[mom2justynsarah]

Is there anybody on this board who is also a motherless daughter? I mean motherless in terms of a mother who has passed on.

How has your life changes since she passed on? How does her absence affect the way you are as a mother? How do you handle stress without reaching towards your mom? What do you miss the most? If you could spend just one more day with her, what would you do?

My mom died from breast cancer a little over three years ago. She & I were EXTREMELY close. I feel very lucky to have had a mother such as her. She was one of the nicest, most loving, non judgemental and wonderful person I have ever (or maybe ever will) know.

My life has changed drastically since she's been gone. The most significant change has been the adoption of my daughter.

It was in my mother's passing that gave me the most pround grief. Since adopting my daughter, she has given me the most profound joy. I always tell people how my beautiful daughter saved my life. She took my sorrow away and gave me reason to live.

Her absence has made me a stronger person. I have been shown that I CAN accomplish or overcome many obstacles (even when faced with devastation).

I also realize that life is what you make of it. When you are gone, nothing matters except the legacy you left. I try to enjoy each day and not succumb to depression.

Thankfully my sister & I have each other to cling to. She has been my greatest supporter (as I am for her).

What do I miss the most? I miss her presence. I miss her voice, her laughter, her hugs and kisses. I miss our conversations.

It's been so tough being without a mother. You realize that there is nobody in this world who will love you as much as your mother.

If I could spend just one more day, I would just put my arms around her and my head on her chest. I wouldn't let her go. I would kiss her and tell her how much I love her. I would gaze deeply into her eyes as to never forget her soul. Lastly, I would put my nose to her neck and sniff in "her" mom smell.

Ok, I hope this didn't sound too depressing for anyone. I just wanted to share what my experience of being a motherless daughter has been like. If you can relate, please share your story.

This post is not meant for those who don't have mothers because of horrible relationships. It is also not intended to talk about the loss of the birthmom. It is solely about losing your mother through death.

Julie

[Kimmisue]

I lost my mother 8 years ago next week. I can't believe it's been that long and then sometimes it seems like it's been longer than that since I saw her last. She was killed instantly in an automobile accident by a person apparently on some kind of suicide mission. He was successful but took my mom with him.

I was EXTREMELY close to my mom. She was literally my best friend. Our houses backed up to each other and I had repeatedly said if anything ever happens to my mom, they'll have to lock me up because I'll lose it. Well, I didn't lose it but at times thought I might. It MOST definitely has made me a much stronger person. It also somehow made me look at problems and struggles in a more positive light. I had to continuously look for something positive in all the bad that happened. I miss her immensely all the time. Yes, time helps but wow, does it still hurt.

I'm not really sure how her absence has affected me as a mother. We adopted our son 4 years after she passed. I think it has made it a bit harder because I'm forced to either try to figure things out myself or I lean heavily on my MIL, Stepmom, and best friend. I thank God daily that I have these women in my life.

I also am grateful in a sense that I was never able to get pregnant, because I honestly don't think I could go through that without her. People who have never been as close with their mothers as I was don't understand that. But when you talk daily with someone and share everything in your life with them, it's hard to imagine handling something like this without her. I know that my MIL, stepmom and best friend would do everything in their power to be there for me, but nothing could ever fill the void.

I keep hoping that we will adopt a little girl so that I can have that mother daughter bond again, but that part is up to God.

So, I don't think I answered all of your questions, but wanted to share with you that you are not alone. Love your daughter and make a strong bond!

Thanks for posting this,
Kim

[Asha]

Have you read Missing Mom by Joyce Carol Oates? It's a good book.

[FauxClaud]

I lost my mother 11 years ago to Cancer. My father faded away from his own choice of divorce and abandonment many years before, so losing my mother basically made me and orphan along with my then 14 year old brother.

While losing her does pale greatly in relation to losing my son to adoption, it does have the very similar effect that all grief has. I don;t find that it ever trully has left me, and at different times in my life, I completely still ache to be able to share with her.
The birth of my only daughter and final son, the finding of Max, trials and tribulations of life...all things that make me so want to reach out and touch her again. In my heart, I know she is with me and still watching and cheering, but it's not the same as being able to call her on the phone.

And I completely agree, there is no one who sometimes can love you and give that needed comfort like a mother can.

Have you read "Motherless Daughters" and "Letters form Motherless Daughters" assuming from the title...I highly recommend them both for anyone struggling to deal with Motherloss. They were lifesavers to me....knowing that the feelings were universal, knowing and learning that grief has an ugly way of showing up again and biting on on the butt when you least expect it. That the happiest of occassions can bring upon an new wave of grief for not being able to share.

I wrote the second post down on her death anniversay this year "Mother of Loss meets Loss of Mother" That's my mom. It says it all, but also says almost nothing.
http://musingsofthelame.blogspot.com...e_archive.html

Just today after my own daughter did something evil..so very much like I remember doing from my own childhood, I , in front of my whole family, threw my head up to address her above...outloud, "Ok stop laughing!!! You have your revenge!!"
She mocks me at times..I know it!! lol Maybe it's all in my head, but what the hey, she still lives in my heart.

[shadowdove]

I am a 'Motherless Daughter' in the physical world but not in the World of Love and Memories..

My mother would lose her battle with breast cancer on Dec. 30, 1998.. She was my one and only mother. I had 52 years of my life with her..but to this day I miss her. Sometimes I have nightmares (as old as I am) and have woken myself up with me yelling..'Ma! Ma!' There is not a day since her passing that I have not missed my mom.. My mother was also mildly szchophrenic for most of her adult life and I wouldn't have traded her for the world for another mother. I did not have an easy childhood, my mom and I would have many heated moments, some very sad ones and some hilarious ones.. I miss my mother's most beautiful singing voice and her great sense of humor. I miss being able to pick up the phone and talking to her.. I miss my mother's voice, I miss the occasional hug. But so long as I am alive, my mom is alive in my heart and memories.. And modern technology has been a blessing.. I have home movies and can see and hear her talk.. I can also share these movies with her great-grandchildren.. No one should ever be forgotten..

Sometimes I feel like an 'orphan'.. as she never really told me who my natural father was, she took that to the grave with her.. But I am not angry with her for that anymore.. I have learned much about her and myself since she passed away.. Seems we tend to learn more about life through death..

Mom is with me everyday.. She is me, I am her... She is embodied in all of her children, grandchildren and ggchildren.. Mom is still loved and missed..

Shadowdove

[Brat]

Glad I poked in here today. Have so many other things to do and landed here....

I lost my mother when I was 20, to breast cancer. She appears at the oddest times. I did not meet my daughter's birthmom until the day after she gave birth. I was sitting beside this young woman in her hospital bed, drinking her in, studying her profile. And I saw my mom. The same nose, the same coloring, the same quietness. Beside us, our daughter wiggled in her bassinet. But I was enthralled at that moment with this young woman who I'd just met and who embodied my mother.

First mother's day. What a trip that was. I sat in church with my three-month-old daughter in my lap, and I pulled her close and then I was bawling...

...for the joy of feeling her soft, warm body against mine. My child, finally, healing my broken heart, filling some of the emptiness of motherloss.

...for her birthmom, who I'd spoken to the day before, and while she'd put up a brave front she was clearly struggling. What she wouldn't do, I thought, to embrace the tiny body that was snuggling in my arms.

...for...my mom, who wasn't there, but was, and yet I couldn't touch her. What would she think of me? What advice would she give me? I'd try to imagine what she'd say in different circumstances, based on how I was raised. But she wasn't there. And so I cried.

How do feel so empty and full all at once?

My daughter is 2 now. Everything about her brings back memories of my mom. And it's good. Because it has been too painful to embrace those memories until now. I cry less. I hear her voice coming out of my mouth when my daughter is up to no good. And I laugh. When I strap my daughter in her seat, she yells, "chopping?!" and I'm taken back to the days of sitting in the back of a station wagon, drawing with my crayons, on the way to the mall. We shop, and oh but did my mom and I ever shop until we dropped, hardly buying anything but just being out in the crowds sipping cold drinks and stopping where we pleased. Now, my daughter and I are starting to have "conversations" and I see in her eyes what my mom must have seen in mine. Here's this person who will be here for me, her eyes say. And she reaches up her hand.

What scares me is that I worry that I won't be there. From what I read about motherless daughters, that's normal. Knowing other women feel this way makes it easier for me to pull myself together when I burdened down with worries of what may become of her if she loses me.

Well, I don't know what else to say except that I get it, and that you are not alone.

[Brat]

Oh...almost forgot. I don't know where you live, but there are motherless daughter chapters all over the U.S. They have regular support groups and then special remembrances around Mother's Day.

I will PM you an excerpt from a book that Hope Edelman, founder of the group, is writing. It's called Motherless Mothers, I believe, and the last time I looked on Amazon, there was some kind of placeholder but it hadn't been published yet.

[mom2justynsarah]

I keep hoping that we will adopt a little girl so that I can have that mother daughter bond again, but that part is up to God.

I am definetly very lucky and oh so grateful that my little girl came into my life. Don't get me wrong, I love boys too. My son is incredible. There is a special bond between a son and mother that is very special. But to have that mother/daughter bond is mind blowing.

So, I don't think I answered all of your questions, but wanted to share with you that you are not alone. Love your daughter and make a strong bond!

I thank you and all others who have either posted a reply or emailed me privately. It is a wonderful feeling to know you are not alone.

God bless,
Julie
Thanks for posting this,
Kim[/quote]

[court5505]

Julie,

Your story sounds as if I wrote it! I am also a motherless daughter. My mother passed away suddenly almost 5 years ago and my grief absolutely consumed my life. I pretty much lost interest in everything I had ever been passionate about. All of that changed when my daughter was born. She has brought so much joy to my life that I never knew I was capable of experiencing.

I think that the fact that I am a motherless daughter has made me a better mother. I don't take anything for granted. My friends think I'm crazy because at times I think about the fact that someday my daughter will be a motherless daughter and I want her to have as many wonderful memories to embrace as I do of my own mother. Little things like making her stocking for Christmas will hopefully really mean something to her someday. If I had a stocking that my mother made me for my first Christmas, I would probably sleep with it! I find myself cherishing every little thing I have that is associated with my mother. One of my favorite things is a coffee cup that I found in her house that still has her lipstick on it. I know that it probably sounds crazy, but I will never wash it...EVER!!

So here is my question to all of you motherless daughters: As a parent, do you take into consideration that someday your child will be a motherless child and do anything special? I hope that I don't sound like I obsess about it, because I don't, but it is definitely in the back of my mind.

[sugarbabysmommy]

My heart was broken last Spring when my mom died. Some days I see the other side of this grief, other days I am burried in it, choking on it... I wish I was better able to answer your questions. I don't feel stronger, yet, I don't like that each day my child's smile saves me, it's too great a burden for another person, thank heavens babe is too young to know.

Too smell my mom's perfume warm on her again just after she showered would be magical and so very painful. Sorry I don't have more perspective to be uplifting.

[Overwhelmed!]

Julie- What a beautiful thread, not at all depressing because of the way you've presented your personal feelings. I still have my mother, but we don't have the close relationship that you had with your mother and, unfortunately, we never will. We've made progress over the years though, and for that I'm thankful. I can only hope to be the type of mother that your mother was to you.

Thank you for sharing!

[mom2GRLC]

My mother died when i was 16 from skin cancer that was removed but had spread to her lymph system all over her body.

What I cherish the most are those last few months where we knew she was going to pass away. I was able to write my feelings out in my journal to help me with the loss I knew was coming. My fondest memory was when I layed in bed with my Mom just starring into her eyes and studying every detail of her face.

When ever i miss her the most I think back to that time, or think back to the comoft I felt laying my head on her chest and snuggling with her.

I missed her not only on those imporant days like graduation, the day I was married, the adoption days for my children. But especially those very difficult days that just sneek up on you from nowhere, where your whole body just aches for and wants to feel her embrace to make it all better. What I miss the most is the everyday stuff, the relationship I will never have with her(as an adult....as a mother myself, the questions I'd like to ask her about my childhood...etc).

I think not having her does make me a stronger mother. I know how precious life is and how quickly those you love can be taken from you. I cherish every little thing and try and keep a journal of my thoughts and feelings and things i want my kids to know, so if someday something should happen to me, they can have more than just memories of me, they can have my words, and pictures and home video to remember just how much I truly cherished them and so they can find answers and inspiration through my words.

I also enjoy those quiet times with my children as I gaze into their eyes and we study each others faces. Where all you see is just pure love and smiles. Priceless memories that can never be replaced!!!!

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by sugarbabysmommy

My heart was broken last Spring when my mom died. Some days I see the other side of this grief, other days I am burried in it, choking on it... I wish I was better able to answer your questions. I don't feel stronger, yet, I don't like that each day my child's smile saves me, it's too great a burden for another person, thank heavens babe is too young to know.

Too smell my mom's perfume warm on her again just after she showered would be magical and so very painful. Sorry I don't have more perspective to be uplifting.

sugarbaby,

I am so sorry for your loss (HUGS) I have definetly been there. You are NOT alone. Looking back, I can't remember the first year at all. My sister & I were literally consumed & wracked with grief. I feel your pain.

Weeks after my mom passed, my father freaked and gave away a ton of her clothes. He also threw out a bunch of her journals. Thankfully, he didn't give away everything. My sister & I were able to salvage many things.

I have all of her perfume bottles in my closet. When I am feeling her loss, I take out her favorite ones and sniff them. It helps a bit. I also have some of her favorite shirts. I sniff them too. There is a tiny bit of her "smell" left on them.

Then as I start losing myself in her memory, one of my children usually bring me out of that funk. They start calling for me. They need mommy. I am pulled back to reality.

As I am writing now, my little girl is pulling & patting at my arm. She needs and wants my attention. So I will sign off and give her a great big hug!

I would like to continue this thread as a support system. Feel free to continue to journal, write down thoughts, feelings, poems etc.

We are all here for each other.

God bless,

Julie

It is time for me

[court5505]

My mom only wore one kind of perfume her entire life and I still have what was left in the last bottle that she had. I don't smell it very often because it is bittersweet. While it brings back so many good memories, it also makes me sick to my stomach because I miss her so much. The first time I smelled it after she died, I just broke down into tears on the floor.

[Kimmisue]

It's been 8 years and the smell of White Diamonds ALWAYS brings tears to my eyes. Everyone in my family pretty much knows they can't wear it.


Kim