[sprunger1]

hello! I am new to the forums, looking for others to support our new endeavor into adoption. My husband and I have two wonderful children, 9 and 13. (Hubby is stepdad)
We have just begun our certification process through XXXX and everything is so new that I change my mind every single day! I feel the pull in my heart to foster/adopt older children, but at the same time, I feel scared to death that I will fail in some way.
Most of what I'm finding here seems to be baby adoptions (how awesome!) But I would love to hear about older child adoptions as well, to know that I CAN do this and that my family will be ok.
Thanks!
Paula

[Linny]

Sadly, there is no guarantee. We have adopted infants and older children; and the older children have been nightmares for us. (Literally).
But.......there are many posters here who will tell you that their older child adoptions have gone very well; that they are quite happy in their choices to have adopted older children.

We adopted our first child (an infant) over 25yrs ago....and our youngest baby is only 2yrs old. We've done this seven times; and I say this, because the bottom line---regardless of infant or older child adoptions, is to personally know what your limitations are...and make sure that you ASK a lot of questions.
Also, don't let your heart be the only guide. While there is no guarantee....there is logic and sensibility in knowing 'what you really want, and what might make you feel guilty....but not necessarily the best match', KWIM?

I can see photos of children on the website every day, that desparately need a family. If I allowed my heart to rule every situation, they'd ALL be ours......but experience has taught us (ever so strongly) that just because a person might feel ' they can deliver enough love and permanency'......love is not enough. Permanency is not enough. There has to be a connection of some sort.

You might know of people who adopt only children who are severely disabled. Many of these children can only give and receive love, and barely little else. But, for this family, they are the perfect match. This family knows their own limitations, and goes from there.

Too often, I read and hear about couples who have 'stars in their eyes' because their local PRIDE type classes have given them the impression that 'love is all the children need'. Nothing could be further from the truth. While these things are essential; they are not all-inclusive. Adopting an older child (even an older toddler) is often a big challenge. Many of the problems these kids face won't go away anytime soon---and this is why the parents HAVE to know what they are going into...and have the nerve and determination to 'stick to it'.

Reading supplimentary books, joining a support group for foster/adopt parents, being WELL versed in attachment disorders, and being prepared for anything and everything, are measures that will serve you well in adopting an older child. If you were to simply take PRIDE classes and sit back to wait--- you would find that these alone will not take you the distance that's needed for these kids.

Many here will tell you that the rewards are incredible when an older child finally 'gets it'. Some will say that the problems their children faced dimminished greatly within a short time. I know many of these stories must be true; even though this was not the case for us.

One of my main 'warnings' if you will, to any couple considering adopting an older child, is that they FEEL an older child is alright for them, being older. There are some couples that opt for older child adoption, when in their hearts, they would really prefer the infant. If the infant is what you really want.....don't adopt an older child. Be sure of your limitations and don't let anyone guilt you into a placement if it just doesn't feel completely right for your family.

I wish you luck in your journey and success in your placement.

Most Sincerely,

Linny

[momofmykids]

Check out this thread...
Adopting 8 year old - questions????

[sprunger1]

Thank you for your responses. Our adoption worker right now seems to like giving us the "worst case" scenario, which scares me so terribly! Although I understand that ALL kids deserve a home, I am trying to find where I stand at this time. As the posts have said, I must know what I feel I can handle. My husband and I both love older kids and feel that we can work through a lot of difficulties... although we don't know what all we could be looking at, and our worker acts like we WON'T know until we have actually committed to a placement.
We are reading constantly and learning every single day. I think the one thing I have learned very quickly is that I should NOT be so overly ambitious (we were going to look at a sib set of 3!) and get in over my head. I have a lot of love to give, and can pretty well accept people where they're at, I would hate to give someone too much credit and then expect too much of their abilities.
Thanks again, and i hope to hear MORE!

[Howdy]

I think you can find a good match through the foster system if you can determine what you are willing to accept and can muster the hard-heartedness to turn down children who aren't a good match.

I read as many books as I could find (I'd make lists of good sounding books on Amazon, then take my lists to the library and they would bet a lot of them on loan from other libraries), and I made a list of questions that were of symptoms of disorders that I would not be able to deal with, and I asked the foster mom's of the children my questions.

My first placement was a sweetheart, 7 yr old girl, very spiritual sort of girl, would sing to the horses until she cried and stuff. She would also make up totally crazy stories sometimes. She was a very calm, kind, tolerant kid - she laughed about a pre-foster care experience of waking up tied and gagged in a closet (a 'joke' her family played on her). She also worried about whether she was going to have a baby. So, she had her easy aspects and her issues. But overall she was (and is) a terrific kid. Unfortunately (for me), her dad got an early release from prison and so I didn't get to adopt her. But we still keep in touch, her family seems very good (not the parent she lived with before being taken into foster care).

My second girl (also 7 yrs old when first came, now she's 9 yrs old) has a totally different personality. She's pretty and a social butterfly. She's defiant. She's bossy. She hears voices. She regularly threatens suicide as preferable to any bad guys ever getting hold of her (again). She has a lot of fear, clinginess, low self-esteem issues, etc etc.

But she is the greatest girl. She is kind, generous, smart, loving, funny, enthusiastic. She copes very well with all her nightmarish memories, so well that her previous therapist didn't think she could justify seeing her anymore, and the school psychologist (who has adopted children of her own) thought my daughter was doing just fine. One problem is that she doesn't confide in her therapists, I'm having trouble finding one that she likes and trusts.

Both the girls have been considered 'difficult' by the caseworkers (the first had to leave two foster homes, the second had to leave her previous foster home after 3 weeks), but they were/are not so much difficult as time consuming. I understand now why people who adopt older children because they want to be a parent are more successful than people who adopt because they think it is a good thing -- because children who have had bad things happen to them and who have had to get a new family are VERY needy and need a huge unending supply of nuturing.

I turned down several kids the county called me with last year, but the year before I very nearly dropped my "standards" because I was feeling desperate to find a kid. So last year I was careful to request a short term foster kid to keep me from accepting the wrong fost-adopt kids. He was a real nice boy (7 yrs old).

I agree with your social worker that you will not know the issues until after placement, some not for months or years.

I don't think you should be too scared, just enough to be cautious. One of my coworkers was adopted from foster care when he was 5 yrs old, and he is a nice normal guy. Also the dad of one of my daughters friends was bounced around foster care and group homes for years and he is a nice guy too.

[mommyjamie]

We have adopted a sibling group of three children ages 5,3,2. We also have fostered children from birth to 18. Some of the children have been beyond our abilities to help and others things have worked out really well. Our forever children have been such a blessing and are beautiful, well adjusted children despite such rough beginnings. Our oldest adopted daughter was misdiagnosed with a variety of mental health issues. She has some mild issues but nothing like we were originally anticipating. Especially since you have parenting experience, I think older children might be a good match for you. Are you planning on doing a straight adoption or foster to adopt?

[mamaF]

My dh and I are in the process of our home study now. We are hoping to adopt a child that is under 6. We will of course be asking lots of questions. Luckily, our SW is really approachable, so I feel pretty comfortable asking.

[love4]

I like linny's response. We had two children placed with us at the ages of 11 and 12. There are many, many challenges and LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH! PERMANCY IS NOT ENOUGH!

Definitely know your limitations.
There HAS to be a connection of some sort.

These children ARE very needy.

I love my girls but it has been a very challenging journey. My youngest is doing very well and has made many changes but trying to work through pain and abuse is not an overnight thing. She is drawn to a wrong crowd even though she is a good girl and wants to do good.

I had to throw out all my parenting skills and learn a new way. I have 4 daughters. My two older girls were infants when they were placed with us. What I did with them didn't work with these two.

LOTS and LOTS of patience, accepting them where they are at and changing patterns that they learned is very challenging.

Thankfully my girls FIT in our family. We knew our limitations and what we could handle. I am very blessed to have my girls. My youngest has been a very special blessing to me even through all the challenges.

[sprunger1]

So thankful to hear all of your input! We are preparing to move in the next month, and this week has been one of cleaning out old boxes and garage selling.. During this week, my husband and I noticed that all the kids in the neighborhood were playing in front of OUR house! Some of these kids we have never met.. word just got out that we had some fun place to play, I guess. We were surprised that these kids, aged 8-14, felt so comfortable with two parent who were hanging out keeping a watchful eye. It was reassuring for our family that kids at least LIKE us! lol They were commenting to our bio kids that we were "tight". funny, to be flattered by that.
Regarding our status on adoption, we will become fost/adopt parents, although our worker makes it sound pretty permanent, because of the great need. I have been considering starting out by just fostering, but I really like the idea of being able to match, which fostering doesn't allow for. I suppose, since we are going "high risk", it's possible that our first placements may NOT be forever.. all things I should make sure to discuss with my worker as time gets closer. We have not even begun classes yet. Hopefully once they begin, my fears will go away a bit.
I have been reading some books, but they haven't given me the information I seek on older child adoption, so I will check the list my husband made up for me and continue searching!
My biggest fear, although we HAVE a lot of patience, we dont' have expectations of kids coming in and falling in love with us, and we have the ability to accept them where they are and help them become all they can be, is that the time requirement will cause resentment on the part of my bio kids. We are such a tight family right now...worked HARD for it, as I had problems with my own daughter when she was a little one...Am I expecting too much that we can go through this together and grow even closer in the process?? They are not expecting perfect children, and they are tolerant of others themselves, so I have faith in them to eventually bond with new siblings... But there's always that little seed of doubt that I just can't shake.
I'm so thankful that I have found a place to go where I can just vent this stuff and feel that somebody out there might understand! You certainly don't get a feeling of empathy from social workers!
Hoping for the best

[love4]

When I adopted my two younger girls, my other two were older (late teens). It put a strain on our family. As much as I was prepared and understood, you are surprised by your emotions. My youngest daugter didn't trust that we were going to be permanent. She thought we would leave just like the others. She tested us greatly. It put a strain on all of us. She had to be restrained. She pulled a knife on us, hit us, threatened us. When she realized we weren't going anywhere and we still loved her (it took a lot to deal with all this) she began to relax. It took years. She still has many issues to get through. She tends to be drawn to the wrong crowd and yet she is the sweetest girl ever. My other daughter still hasn't quite bonded with us. She tends to stay in the past and dwells on all her losses. That is very emotional too. She has been here 9 years. She longs for the past. When you try sooooo hard and get nothing back it's draining. It hurts. People need to be aware of all the possibilities as much as possible. A neighbor works with these kids daily and she still wasn't prepared with all that she has to deal with in the girls she adopted.
Would I want to adopt again? Yes. Do I have any regrets? NOne whatsoever. I love these girls. I am able to go to the place of their suffering and cry with them. I can love them unconditionally. No expectations. I love them for who they are and what they can become. I don't care if they will never be a scientist or doctor. I just want to be a soft place to fall. I want to show them that they are worthy of love. That I love them. I understand where they have been and why they think and choose the things they do.
My daughter and I keep a mother/daughter letter journal which has helped her and I greatly. We write each other letters about our feelings and our love and commitment to each other. She waits for my responses and I wait for hers.

[Momoffive1966]

Love-thanks, I REALLY needed to read your post today....Our AD will be 10 on Sunday and has been with us 18 months (along with her brother 6 1/2) I realized today that although she loves us, she has not bonded or accepted her new life....so hard to swallow that fact as an adoptive mother. Not a surprising thing but tough to accept. Our AS has taken 10 steps backward and reverted to behavior present in his early days with us.....feels like we time warped today back to 2004 when they came......I'm feeling frustrated today.

[love4]

I am also frustrated because my youngest whom is the sweetest kid and everyone likes her is making very bad friend choices and putting us all in danger. She sees nothing wrong with hanging out with a convicted rapist. After all, "we are to forgive" she says! True but we don't have to hang out with them. We too have those times when she reverts into old behavior and that is usually when we disagree with a choice she has made. She has bonded with us unlike her older sister but she still has struggles with past behaviors. She has made soooo much progress and I hate to see her in a youth home because she hangs out with troubled youth. Although I can see why she chooses these friends.

Her older sister grieves me cause no matter how much I love or do it is just not enough. The pains of the past overwhelm her.

These are issues we need to be aware of. These kids come with so much baggage.

[sprunger1]

You mentioned that your daughter is attracted to the wrong crowd, which I've heard before. You said that you can see why...Could you elaborate?? I'm working now to try and find out about issues I can and can't deal with , as well as working through my expectations. I know an older child has been through things that hurt, just having a hard time understanding why, when you read that children "get over" things faster than we adults do, these kids would continue to put themselves at risk.. Is it because of low self esteem? Because of something that actually happens in their brains from being neglected when young?? Any clues??
My hopes are to create a FAMILY for someone.. Is it possible that even through talking with these kids when we finally DO meet a match, asking vital questions, asking if they WANT to be adopted, knowing their history, talking with foster family,all of that, that they still would not embrace a family?
Have any of you watched "Adoption Stories" on Discovery channel?? Those stories seemingly have Happy Endings, and I suppose that that is what I hope for.. Willing to work with children and have patience and not EXPECT for them to totally love my family and appreciate it...but that is the HOPE.
I'm so scared!

[frida_94601]

Hi Paula. I am currently interested in adopting through foster-adopt. I have a bio child 11yrs old. I am looking to adopt a child 3yrs to 9yrs old. Sometime s I feel a little discouraged thier are so many sad posts!!! But i keep moving forward beacsue this is something I feel in my heart, the willingness to love and appreciate all that a child has to offer is what keeps me smiling and hoping. I wish the best, may you enjoy the all the great things that parenting brings.....
Lillian

[love4]

Abuse affects your self esteem. Living in foster care and being taken from her family was very devastating. She lived with troubled kids most of her life. Other kids made fun of them. No one wanted to be around them. They formed a bond. Abuse makes you feel worthless. Unworthy of love. My daughter told me she wasn't worthy of love. She said love isn't for her. She felt unwanted because she went from one home to another. She hangs out with kids who also feel unworthy. She acted out her pain with bad behavior and choosing the wrong friends. Kids like herself. They understand each other.
When she felt unloved she would act out. When she had feelings of not being wanted or maybe we would leave her too she would get very angry and pick fights with us. We had to restrain her many times. Many times for 3 exhausting hours. She would tell us she hated us and spit at us. It was very hard. When she finally broke she would fall in our arms and cry. She would apologize. It was very heart wrenching. I wanted to cry myself. There is so much about her story. I can't write it all but I have such a deep love for her. We clicked from the start. It will break my heart if she ends up in a youth home just for picking the wrong crowd even though she herself doesn't want to do wrong. She is basically a good, loving kid.