[BethanyB]

I'm pretty mad about something that happened yesterday in the grocery store. I'm hoping I can get some advice on what to do.

Here's what happened...

I was shopping with my two kids (fost adopt children from foster care system) when a woman came up to my cart and said my son's name. She bent down and began talking to him. Saying how cute he is. Asking him to smile and stuff. I didn't know her and was wondering how she knew my son. So I asked her how she knew him. She then went on to tell me she was the sister in law of the head teacher in my son's daycare class. THEN she tells me that she knows I adopted them and that her sister in law told her the WHOLE story. She then whispers to me..."How could someone do that to children??? It is terrible!" And she leans over to my son who is 19 months and says, "But you have a good mommy now!"

I was furious. I didn't even know what to say. I pretty much was in shock, and walked away with her just standing there.

To back up a bit, I have only told four members in my family and four close friends the sensive details of my kids background. I have talked about it somewhat on here because I know others have gone through the same thing and I have people to relate to. BUT strangers don't need to know about the problems my kids bmom has had. When my son was having behavioral problems in school, I confided in my son's head teacher and told her that my son was exposed to drugs in the womb and that I may be seeing a specialist about it and how it could be affecting his behavior. I asked her to keep it confidential.

And NOW some woman approaches my kids at the grocery store and tells me she knows my kids WHOLE story???? I am really upset and angry. I mean, I'm sure she didn't think her sister in law would see me and say anything but still. What happened to my privacy???

And what do I say to this head teacher to get my point across without getting angry and ruining our relationship as my kids teacher. Ahhh! I feel violated. AND I'm also mad that she made that statement about my kids bmom. And right in front of my kids!!! My son is starting to understand things now. Gosh!

Well, I learned my lesson. I won't be bringing up his history again in the future when he is in school. If he has problems in the future I'm keeping his private history just that - private!

Does anyone have any advice as to what to say to the head teacher???

Help!

[alwaysus]

I would be spitting nails! When I worked as a substitute teachere here in NC, I had to sign a paper saying I wouldn't discuss " sensitive personal information regarding students...." Ya might want to find out of she broke some law. Even if she didn't, it was HIGHLY unprofessional and she should be repremanded.

[Lovebug]

ABSOLUTELY! I would be screaming mad and they would not be happy to see me in the AM for sure! You definitely, IMO, need to take this up with not only the head teacher, but her direct supervisor on up. This is not an issue, again IMO, that I would take lightly at all.

{{{Hugs}}} I am sorry you had this experience!!!!! I hope for some quick resolve to the situation.

--Renee

[JLyle]

Originally Posted by BethanyB

What happened to my privacy?

Bethany, I'm not even a Dad yet, but I feel my blood pressure rising just reading about what happened to you and your son. This is a blatant violation of your family's privacy. My wife's a public school teacher, and I'm guessing that it would be lawsuit territory if she were to discuss her students' confidential medical histories and backgrounds. I don't know if your son's daycare teacher is subject to the same kind of regulations, but I would think they'd have to be if it's a state licensed situation.

I know that my being angry about it doesn't answer your question about what to say to the teacher. I have no idea what you should say, but obviously something needs to be said. I hope some more experienced folks will be able to give you actual advice.

[mumofone]

I would definitely have a talk to her, and things would be straightened out mighty fast.

She had no right to discuss such personal details of your son's life....or any details for that matter.

I would be looking for another school.

[Overwhelmed!]

Bethany- Let me start out by saying that what your daycare provider has done is reprehensible! She had absolutely NO right to share your son's private information with anyone, family member or not, especially if you specifically asked her to keep your conversation confidential! Her sister-in-law was way out of line as well!

Your son deserves a right to his own history, to share with whom he chooses. No one has the right to take that choice away from him, and that's what this teacher has done! If she's disclosing private information about your son's history, what's she doing to other families?!

I'm a firm believer that you should go directly to the source to try to resolve your issues, however; with a situation as unprofessional as this one, I would be inclined to immediately arrange a meeting with that teacher and her direct supervisor together to discuss the issue. This teacher needs to be accountable not only to you, but also her boss!

During this meeting, remain calm and professional. Beforehand, write out a list of points you want to make sure to cover, including what you would like the repercussions to be. Review the list one last time before you walk in to the meeting. The important thing here is to remain calm but firm. I would make it very clear to the teacher and her supervisor that this was a gross violation of your family's right to privacy. Share how violated it made you feel. Share that this is your son's history to share with whom he chooses and the teacher has just taken that choice away from him. Don't be afraid to ask her supervisor what actions will be taken to make sure that this never happens again!

I understand your concern about ruining your relationship as your child's kids teacher, but you (and your husband) are your child's only advocate. If you don't take a stand now for your child, these types of things will continue.

Well, that's my opinion. Take it for what it's worth, my mama bear instinct was aroused by this one!

I'm sorry you had to experience this.

[BethanyB]

Well I'm glad that others can see why I am so outraged! And you know what else I thought of...How does this strager in the store know what my son looks like? She came over to us and called him by the cute nickname that we all call him. He goes to a public daycare. I have never seen the teachers have visitors. Is the teacher taking pictures and showing people? I specifically said no pictures due to the rules reguarding pictures of foster children through the state. Creepy!

I am a teacher myself and would never divulge private info to people like that! I'm sure I would be in major trouble if I did. Maybe even a lawsuit.

I'm just so frustrated!

[redhedded]

Oh Bethany, I am so sorry. I would be livid and agree with Overwhelmed about the approach. It is unacceptable, but I cannot imagine that even if told that information that SIL is dumb enough to share that she knows.

And for the record, you do not have to explain to us why you have shared a bit here and there. We all get it. Most of us sometimes share slightly more here than in real life with friends and social circle, because this is a group of people who have totally been there.

[Mommy24]

Bethany, just throwing something out to think about, Since you really didnt know this person is it possible she is related in any way to the bmom?? Maybe not really teachers SIL.....I know it is kinda far fetched but WOW I am so shocked that a teacher would be that irresponsible and put her career on the line like that. I am sorry she has violated your childs privacy.


Good luck, Michelle

[Sleeplvr]

I would talk with her and her supervisor. Maybe she didn't get the proper training on privacy of information. Right... But give them the opportunity to explain themselves. Don't worry about getting on bad terms with the teacher because she should not have opened her big mouth. One thing that I have noticed is that daycare teachers don't seem to be held to the same standard as K-12 teachers.

You know I'm in the same boat and worry about private information being shared with the wrong people. It always unnerves me when people know my child and I have never set eyes on them before. This has happened quite a few times. I’m still trying to figure out how people who don’t have kids in the infant room know my children’s names.

I am getting to the point that I'm going to flip when the next person comes up and talks to or about my child. It's almost like they are fair game for conversation because they are adopted or came from the foster care system.

I have really gotten paranoid about these types of situations because they can jeopardize retaining custody of the kids. It is drilled into our heads to maintain privacy but how can we control others. The wrong person can get the information and create problems for safety of the children. It doesn’t take long to connect the dots back to a bfamily member.

[Lexie]

I think you have gotten some good advice. I just wanted to say that I cannot believe that a teacher would act so unprofessionally. Its shocking.

[Hopp]

I'm with the other posters on this one. I'm just ill reading this. I think I would go to the director of that preschool as well as the teacher. I would be livid!

[leaabc123]

I agree, this needs to be discussed with the teacher and her supervisor. If this person wasn't the SIL, then there houldn't be a problem.

[Guspiv]

I think you have EVERY RIGHT to be ANGRY! I think you should have a talk with the teacher and the teacher's boss, because I believe there must be some sort of rule against that type of thing. If your son is having behavior problems, you should be able to tell his teacher so that she can help him, and understand him a little better. YOu should be confident that the info is confindental, I could probably understand if she told another teacher who comes in contact with your son on a regular basis, but her family member!! I am angry with you and I would be interested in hearing how the teacher responds. She was dead wrong.

[kllee4]

Bethany,

As a teacher myself, I am horrified. Now with a teaching contract, I remember signing something in regards to confidentiality so there would be severe consequences with a teacher in a public or private school system. You should find out what the daycare's policy is on confidentitality and ensure that the director knows of this situation. They may try to act as though it was no big deal or come up with some excuse. She will probably apologize, but a slap on the wrist is not OK and certainly not enough.

They need to make sure this never happens again. Maybe she doesn't realize what her actions could cause. You should explain that to them, but I gather they already know. Suggest that all of their employees be trained on this and that it be placed in their employee handbook. Some childcare centers may not have a policy set in stone (writing) and this can be your opportunity to make sure that this happens.

It does seem strange that this lady knew him so well. Does she visit the school a lot when parents aren't there? Is she a volunteer? How would the teacher like it if some stranger walked up to her and could tell her details about her private life? She would certainly feel just as violated as you did. I would mention that point as well. That had to be very creepy. If this woman spends time at the school and she is not a volunteer, I would bring that up as well. And how many other children's rights have been violated by this teacher, by their staff, by their school?

If they don't seem to understand the seriousness of this, I would mention that they could be reported for this. Your local Child Care Administration (they may be under the Dept. Of Education or Social Services) would be responsible for investigating this. You more than likely won't have to go that far and may just have to trust that they will rectify the situation and make sure it doesn't happen again. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

I would be tempted to find out details of his teacher's life and just blurt them all out at the meeting!