[sohoca]

To start, I sympathize with the shock and angry expressed by other posters. I do not mean to minimize the breach of trust. However...

* I've worked in positions where confidentially is critical. It is hard to keep a large part of your life completely secret. As Emster suggested my choice was to pick someone who I trusted completely, my husband, and share only those things that directly affected me - no identifying information. And, by identifying information, I mean - no names, initials, genders, ages, family situations, schools, neighbourhoods, etc. (You would be surprised how little information is needed to identify someone, if you have already met them. It's a small world.) I might say something like, "It really depresses me to see children not receiving the care they deserve." and leave it at that.

* Still, it is easy to "slip up" when talking in a professional setting. I once accidentally implied to another professional working with a child that I didn't have a good relationship with the child's mother. Now, that may seem very minor and happened years ago, but I still feel guilty about it.

* I now volunteer in a school setting. The teachers and other educational professionals know me personally and trust me to respect the privacy of the children and families with whom I come in contact. At first, I felt a little uncomfortable with some of the information that was shared. (Not gossip, just matter of fact things that impacted the children's behaviour and learning.) However, just recently a piece of information shared with me helped me to identify a problem that I could bring to the attention of the teacher.

So, yes, this is a very serious matter. It should be brought to the attention of the teacher. It should also be discussed with her supervisor, even if only in a way which does not identify her but does allow the supervisor to provide guidance to the whole staff.

Teachers are human being. They make mistakes. They should be expected to take responsibility for those mistakes. Still, I would hope for forgiveness if I were to find myself in that position.

[BethanyB]

Okay, I spoke with the teacher yesterday. As a teacher myself, I felt that I needed to confront the teacher first and tell her how I feel before I were to take further steps such as going to the director.

I walked in and asked to talk with her. I told her that I met her sister in law in the grocery store. She smiled and say oh yes. I told her I was kind of put off by a stranger coming up and talking to my son. I asked her how her SIL would know who my son was. She looked confused as to why I would ask and told me that she probably knew him from the daycare because SIL frequently picks up head teachers daughter who also attends the same day care. She told me that she probably head someone say my son's name and that is how she knew him. (She still didn't understand where I was going with this.)

I then told her exactly what happened. She said she didn't know what her SIL meant by the comment, "I know the whole story." I told her what I thought it meant. I told her that when I told her of my son's bmom's drug usage, it was to help her to understand my son and what could be happening due to this. I explained that I did not want anyone to know about it. That most of my family and friends don't know about it. She didn't actually say she didn't tell her that fact. She said she didn't know what her SIL meant by what she said.

I told how important our privacy is and that my son should get to decide who knows such sensitve details about his life. I wonder how she would feel if she confided in me that her mother was a drug user and I told people who then came up to her in a store and talked to her about it.

I also told her that the comment, "You have a good mommy now" was very hurtful. Thank God he isn't old enough to understand. I explained that I don't want him thinking that his bmom is a bad person. She felt really bad about that and she apologized. She told me she would talk her SIL and find out why she said what she did.

When I went to pick the kids up that day there was a note in my diaper bag. It was from her. She went on to again tell me how sorry she was for upsetting me. She said she talked to her SIL and that she felt terrible too. She said it would never happen again and went on to say how much she loves my children and takes pride in caring for them.

I am still hurt over it and wonder who else she told. I know she didn't mean to have that happen and she didn't mean to hurt me. I really think it's a case of ignorance. But I do want to make sure it doesn't happen again with another teacher. Should I go to the director and just ask about their privacy policy without saying anything about head teacher?

I don't know. What do you guys think? Did I do a good enough job?

[BestLight]

I think you handled this wonderfully!

I think the teacher will now act with more awareness and sensitivity, as will SIL.

Might you enlist the teacher to approach the director and the rest of the staff about the importance of privacy? Just a wild thought...

Bravo to you!

[sohoca]

I think talking with the director is still a good idea. Explain that it came to your attention that some private information about your child had been shared with someone who had no right to know it. While you have handled the situation with the person responsible, you would appreciate if this issue be discussed in the next staff meeting to remind other teachers of their responsibility to protect the privacy of the children and their families.

[JLyle]

Originally Posted by BethanyB

She said she didn't know what her SIL meant by what she said... She told me she would talk her SIL and find out why she said what she did.

When I went to pick the kids up that day there was a note in my diaper bag. It was from her. She went on to again tell me how sorry she was for upsetting me. She said she talked to her SIL and that she felt terrible too. She said it would never happen again and went on to say how much she loves my children and takes pride in caring for them.

First of all, yes, I think you did a fantastic job. It is a nervewracking thing to confront someone who's wronged you, even when you know that you are in the right.

I am concerned that despite telling you that she would find out why her SIL said what she said, it sounds like she never really came clean about it. I'm guessing that the teacher knows exactly what she told her SIL, and knows exactly what the SIL was referring to.

But she did apologize, and promised that it would never happen again. I think you got the message across to her loud and clear that your child's background is not a topic for future chit-chat sessions with her friends.

[sadiegirl]

Originally Posted by sohoca

I think talking with the director is still a good idea. Explain that it came to your attention that some private information about your child had been shared with someone who had no right to know it. While you have handled the situation with the person responsible, you would appreciate if this issue be discussed in the next staff meeting to remind other teachers of their responsibility to protect the privacy of the children and their families.

I think this idea/wording is fabulous and would say exactly this to the director.

That way the teacher knows you won't let this "slide by" (seems like she does know what you're talking about but didn't want to fess up) but yet you won't be naming names. (Altho I guess the director could look up who your child's teacher is).

I am also a (former) teacher, and SO NOT a "confrontational" person but I do think you need to go over her head with this. Maybe tell her that you're going to her boss about it, but not with specifics.

That way, if she "takes it out" on your child, you'll have recourse.

[mumofone]

I would definitely speak to the Director as well. I am sure he/she would want to know when one of the staff members is not following proper policy....at least I would.

I think you handled it beautifully with the teacher, and I, too, think she knew exactly what the SIL meant.

Take care.

[Overwhelmed!]

It is the responsibility of the Director to ensure that the privacy of the daycare/school's students is not violated. How can the Director ensure this if (s)he is not made aware when a violation occurs? I'm sure the Head Teacher is not going to volunteer the facts of this situation to her superior...sounds like she was already trying to evade some of the responsibility when you talked to her.

I think you still need to have a conversation with the Director, not just the Head Teacher.

It needs to be documented in your son's file that this breach of privacy/confidence took place and that you were unhappy about and expect it never to happen again.

It's doubtful that the Head Teacher will take anything out on your son, but if she were to attempt to do so, it's in your best interest to have a DOCUMENTED case to present if you have to escalate things further.

My personal opinion, I'd still take this to the Director.

[manni28]

I think you did the right thing but, I would NOT go speak to the director. you’ve already spoke to the teacher why speak to the director? Also, as a teacher, I really don't think she meant any harm with the "you have a good mommy now" comment- she was saying that as a complement. I've seen so many children whose parents have put drugs/alcohol and poor lifestyle choices above their children that it's disgusting! So, I truly believe she was givining you a complement. Let it go, you got your message across, and take it one day at a time.

[DCMomLady]

I think I would still want to replace this teacher with one who is better qualified to help my child develop important values like respect, honesty, trust and privacy. JMHO.

[crick]

I guess what bothers me now after your discussion with her is that she didn't take responsibility for her wrongful actions. She should have said "I am so sorry that I disclosed private information and had no right to do so." Her SIL would have no way of knowing such private details had the teacher not said anything.

In my mind, she apologized FOR her SIL for approaching you and your son. But no where in there do I see her apologizing or taking ownership of HER OWN lack of responsibility.

I'd still discuss with the director, because all this means (in my opinion...) is that she won't necessarily stop discussing private matters, she'll just be more careful whom she discusses with or be more clear that it shouldn't get back to you/son. I feel she needs a very clear picture of what confidentiality means and that there are repercussions for that, especially in her profession.

[Hopp]

I second Crick's response! Talk with the director.

[Jackobanzi]

I like the idea of going to the director in a neutral way, but I also like the idea of forcing the teacher to take a bit more responsibility.

As a side note, my master's thesis was on teacher stories, and the fact of the matter is that teachers talk about their kids. It helps them cope and process and in general makes them better teachers. That is NOT to say that it is OK to include identifying information in those stories. I would bet dollars to doughnuts that the teacher shared the story and didn't think the SIL would ever say anything. That's not OK.

Anyway...I say you make the teacher be the one who goes to the director and recommends a discussion about privacy issues at the next staff meeting.

How you would follow up whether or not that happened is up to you and depends on your situation. Maybe your daycare sends out a newsletter that tells you what professional development topics come up, or maybe you can start popping in with the director to ask, as a concerned parent, what ongoing training they are getting.

It sounds like you did a great job with the teacher in the initial meeting. Whatever you choose to do, I fall on the side of making it a learning experience for the teacher and not coming down too-too hard on her. You say your kid loves her and you've had great experiences with her up until now. We all say stupid stuff we come to regret. It's unfortunate that her stupid stuff came in such a large caliber.

Good luck!

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by crick

I guess what bothers me now after your discussion with her is that she didn't take responsibility for her wrongful actions. She should have said "I am so sorry that I disclosed private information and had no right to do so." Her SIL would have no way of knowing such private details had the teacher not said anything.

In my mind, she apologized FOR her SIL for approaching you and your son. But no where in there do I see her apologizing or taking ownership of HER OWN lack of responsibility.

I agree. The head teacher's repsonse bot me to thinking, the SIL didn't actually call out any details, she eluded to knowing the whole story:

"She then went on to tell me she was the sister in law of the head teacher in my son's daycare class. THEN she tells me that she knows I adopted them and that her sister in law told her the WHOLE story. She then whispers to me..."How could someone do that to children??? It is terrible!" And she leans over to my son who is 19 months and says, "But you have a good mommy now!" "

If this is what the entire exchange consisted of, the SIL didn't actually say very much. She was clearly told your son's nick name, no doubt. She also knows that your son is in the process of being adopted, but everything else could be an assumption on her part since she didn't actually say any other details or state any other information... maybe she was told he'd had a hard start in life, and maybe she was told nothing, maybe she is the type who thrives on thinking she has the inside scoop when she really doesn't.

Again, I agree, the head teacher should have apologized for her actions- and her SIL's actions, but she may have been being honest when she said she didn't know what her SIL could be refering to, her SIL may not know anything of substance. I've heard the very same remarks made about my baby's adoption by person's who know babe was cared for extremely well by babe's birth mother... how could people do that, and now you have a good mommy... both disappointing adoption stereotype responses, and even more so with foster stereotypes.

[AdrienneG]

what is scary is that a total stranger came up to you and your child and knew too much about your child. In this day and age of people's children getting kidnapped, the woman really put your child in danger.