[redhedded]

Not to sidetrack, but because I "see" you K, just wondering if you are doing okay?

[kllee4]

Red,
I PM'd ya!

[StorkWatcher]

Bethany,
You've gotten some very good advice above. Overwhelmed had great points. I would just add that while I understand you probably want to wait to cool down, I think it's important to address this as soon as possible with the teacher and her supervisor. I also think teacher should ask her sister-in-law to never mention this to anyone again.

Hopefully, you can prevent the teacher from making comments about your children again, and perhaps it will motivate the supervisor to either implement or reinforce privacy policies at the school.

[Fe2002]

Ugh... I would be irked beyond reason. But since you are taking some time to calm down before talking with the teacher take this into consideration.... Do you think there was malice in what she was doing? I'm not a teacher, so I don't know about the confidentiality contracts that they sign. But I'm wondering if perhaps she was just "unloading" with a family member about your child's situation.

I heard that most therapists, HAVE therapists... that listening to everyone's problems is a heavy burden to bear alone. Maybe teachers are the same way...

Is she a good teacher? Is this worth damaging her career? I would definitely talk to her about what happenend, but depending on the answers to the above questions I would be hesitant to involve her superiors.

Granted, all this is predicated on whether I would have actually waited to calm down...

[mckenna]

i did not read all the replies, but i would be so angry. first of all daycare/school does need to know some of the info about our kids especially when it may be affecting them in school/daycare. my daughter's daycare needs to know a lot about her situation cuz we call her something different than her legal name and she was getting picked up for visits so i could not keep everything from them, but i totally trust them to be confidential about it.

what would really bother me is that she knew what your son looked like. with my 2nd foster daughter, i had to put her into a temp daycare until the one i wanted had a spot. on the 3rd or 4th day the cook comes up to me when i am picking her up and says she and her boy friend just think a is so cute and would be interested in adopting her what???? she had only been there a few days, she was a foster child, i barely knew anything about her (had actually picked up the wrong child to take home the day before because she was not in the same thing i had brought her in) i immediatly went to the director and let her know that i was uncomfortable that the cook knew a lot of confidential info about this child and that she had been bringing a strange man that i am sure had not had a back ground check, into the daycare to oogle my fdaughter. the director was very apologetic and said she would take care of things. i was so happy 3 weeks later when the other daycare had a spot cuz i always felt uncomfortable after that.

[redribbonrose]

I would go DIRECTLY to an attorney and remove my child NOW from that pre-school. No talking with a surpervisor, just call an attorney TODAY!

I am so sorry for you and your children.

[AdrienneG]

I am speechless...I would be beyond livid.

[Emster]

Someone above commented on professionals who "vent" to others about what goes on in their day. I agree as a social worker that venting can be necessary and helpful, BUT (1)pick well who you vent to, (2)re-think your pick (3) vent about the pressure YOU are feeling, not any specifics of who, what when or why (nicknames?!?!).

What she did was not cool, not professional, and not acceptable. How you handle this will possibly determine whether other families go through the same thing or not. The poor teacher probably has no idea her family member got all blabby and inappropriate and she NEEDS to know.

[Hopp]

Just another thought...even if the teacher doesn't have a "contract" the director should be notified so that she can talk with the entire staff about PROFESSIONALISM! Sorry, that's just been bugging me! LOL!

I do agree that the teacher does need to know. The chances are that she had no idea her SNL did what she did. Life is all about learning, and I really do think you need to share that "knowledge" with the teacher as well as calmly explaining her the effects it had on you. Perhaps the teacher has no idea of how that would impact you.

[evildishrag]

Swift and severe consequences are what need to face that teacher. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

This is your kid. Don't get all wishy-washy with thinking "we really like the care he receives....we'd hate to rock the boat...it's so hard to find reliable childcare..". You have done nothing wrong and complaining is certainly not wrong.

[BestLight]

I think it's important that while protecting our kids, we do not promote the idea that they are victims of their story or anything/anyone else.

People are going to say the wrong things out of good intentions, ignorance, or even meanness. In every case, keep the problem with the perpetrator, and don't own it yourself.

If no harm was meant, educating the teacher is an option: "You are aware of A's story. Wouldn't it be horrible if he continued to be victimized and defined by it? Do you realize that when you break a confidence like you did mine, you can make it harder for A to be free of his past? You wouldn't want to be in the same category as his birthmother, would you?"

If harm was meant (hopefully unlikely), then I would tell administration about their problem teacher so that other children are not exposed to her meanness.

Just MHO. I would be very disturbed, too. I wish you wisdom as you decide how to handle this.

[BethanyB]

Hello everyone. I just got done reading all of the replies so far. And I'm so glad that everyone is just as disgusted as I am. At first I was questioning if I was overreacting when it first happened, but now I can see that I was not.

Well, I had planned on having the talk with the teacher today. I had only planned on waiting one day to get my head straight before talking to her. BUT my baby girl bumped her head this morning before we left the house for the day (and since I'm a nervous mom) I stayed home to watch her closely. I was all shaken up over it. But the doctor didn't seem concerned, and she's been happy all day so I think she's fine. But I didn't go to school to talk to the teacher. Which is good I think because I got to read all of the replies which is helping me to think about how to handle this in the best way.

I'm just so upset because this head teacher is the one my son loves most. She has always been helpful as far as working with me on his behavior issues and then getting my daughter into the facility when she came along so the kids could be together. I buy her gifts for holidays and she just had a baby and is back from maternity leave. I almost went out and bought a baby gift right before this happened.

I don't think anything was done to be nasty. Everyone at the daycare loves my kids. My little boy especially. I have to admit he is adorable and cracks everyone up with the stuff he does. Even the older kids in the daycare scream his name when he comes in.

And I don't think this woman is a family member of my kids bmom. She was white and my children are black. And this lady actually works at the grocery store! (I'm not going there again!) So if she was a family member, she must know that I would bring it up to the head teacher at some point.

The lady was telling me how much this head teacher loves the kids. (Because they are cute!) She was saying how everyone just loves them at the daycare. Then she whispered about how someone could do something like that.

What I am confused about is, what does she mean by that? Does she mean expose them to drugs or does she mean abondoning her children? Either way it sucks and is none of her business. But if she means abondoning them, then maybe she was not filled in about the drug useage. Which means the worker did not reveal that information. BUT she should not even be telling strangers that my kids are being adopted from DYFS. Or even that they are adopted! Not that it is a secret but we don't want to be the poster family for adoption where strangers come up to us while we are food shopping and ask us questions.

And telling my son that he has a good mommy NOW is terrible! And I am going to tell the head teacher that. Yes, his bmom has done things that are not nice. She has hurt her kids with neglect and drug usage, but I believe she still loves them. And she is my kids birth mother. Nomatter what she has done, my kids are going to hear the good things about her. Luckily I have pictures of her and a bio on her and her life. I will never put her down to my children and to think that a stranger tried to do it in the grocery store angers me to no end.

I have close friends and family member who don't know the details of my kids background and for someone to tell a stranger about my kids just kills me. I had no choice in the matter.

As a teacher, I do tell friends and family about my students. But not their private background. I talk about funny things that happened in class or I tell sad stories of things I have seen as well, but I never tell names or show pictures, or tell classified information. That is serious!

And as a teacher I do prefer parents to come to me directly with a problem rather than going right to the principal. So I'd like to do that here. But to prevent this from happening again with another worker at the school, I am also going to talk to the director about informing the staff about privacy issues. If she asks why I'm bringing it up I will tell her. And if the teacher gives me any sort of attitude, I will complain about it.

But I am going to get my point across to this teacher. I do feel violated and I do feel angry and upset about it.

I think it's important that while protecting our kids, we do not promote the idea that they are victims of their story or anything/anyone else.

Best Light,

I agree, which is why I don't want daycare workers saying things like, "Oh those POOR children. How sad that their bmom was so neglectful. Who could do something like that?"

My kids have loss in their life but they have been with me since birth. Both of them! They are certainly not poor. They have all the love they can ever imagine. They have the best clothes and toys. They have a mom who loves them and would do anything for them. The past is in the past. Ast they grow they will hear about their bmom in the best light possible and when they are old enough to ask about her and what happened, I will tell them the truth in the best light possible. They are the two happiest babies I've ever seen and they are certainly not poor.

And as far as the daycare needing to know some things about the kids being adopted...they know they are foster children who are being adopted because they get paid through the state. Everyone thought my son was my bio son (my kids are very light skinned) until the word was passed around I guess. I can handle the staff knowing about it, but it should stay with the staff! And for a stranger to know what my kids look like is wrong. And they will know that!

So what do you think guys? Does my plan sound good? I will fill everyone in tomorrow after I have the TALK. Oh, my baby is calling!

[Overwhelmed!]

Bethany- I think, bottom line, is that the situation needs to be addressed and assurances need to be given that it will NEVER happen again! Ultimately, it's up to you to decide how to handle it, whether that means speaking with just the teacher, the teacher and the director together, or removing your child altogether from that daycare. Only you know what's best for your child in this situation.

I wish you luck and I would appreciate hearing the outcome.

[Faulkner99]

I'm completely dumbfounded. That is beyond insensitive. We had a very frank and honest discussion with our son's teacher here at the daycare (onsite where I work), but they have been extremely good about not abusing the private information we gave them. We felt it was important for his primary teacher and the teaching assistants to know, but didn't share with other parents or anyone.

I wouldn't even confront this teacher if I were you. I'd go directly to the center's director. In fact, I wouldn't do this face to face or in person. I would do it in writing. Better to preserve your comments in writing.

[mamacrina]

Wow. You've been given lots of great advice. I just want to add my support. And anger, frankly.

Maybe you could ask the teacher what confidential means to her?