[adoptiveparentblog]

I'm writing on the topic of adoption remorse on my Blog. If you get a chance stop by and read the piece that I just posted on it. In my post I said that I didn't think adoptive parents felt as comfortable in expressing remorse or regret about their decision to adopt (when and if such feelings ever do arise) as biological parents who sometimes express regret about becoming parents. I go on to say, however, that biological parents seem to express their feelings through humor and then move on, while adoptive parents don't express such feelings at all. Not because they don't have those feelings, but, maybe because there is a stigma against admitting to them. Anyway, I go on to make a couple of other points in the post. I'd like to know what other people here think. If you're willing to let me quote your responses on the blog, please let me know. I think this is such an important issue that deserves open and honest discussion.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Birthparents admit these things? Through humor?

While I agree that many adoptive parents might not admit such a thing due to the stigma, I don't get what you are saying about birthparents.

[Lorraine123]

jenna,

I think she is talking about biological parents who parent their children. Not sure though.....

[mommamarci]

I have a friend who has a beautiful two year old. She is extremely intelligent and fairly well behaved. (She would be better if they did not spoil her rotten and give her everything she asks for.) Overall, she is a very good child. However, when my friend gets stressed out, she often jokingly says she wishes she had waited a few more years to have kids. I have been on the phone with her several times when she has told her daughter that she is driving her nuts and that her daddy needs to get home because she is tired of her. Let me give you a little background so you can better understand. First of all, my friend knows I have been trying to start a family for years. Secondly, my friend went through three years of fertility issues before becoming pregnant. Because of her, I promised myself a long time ago that when I had a child (whether through adoption of the 'old fashioned way') I would never make these comments because they are hurtful. Not only do they hurt the child, but it hurts people like me who want children more than anything. It hurts to see people with kids not enjoying them.
I do agree that biological parents sometimes make these comments, however, I hope that I would never say something like this because I can't imagine how devestated my child would be if s/he found out. Okay, sorry to ramble and feel free to quote me if you would like.
-Marci

[Lorraine123]

I don't think people make these comments to be hurtful. I think parenting is stressful and they make these comments to alleviate stress. I have two sons who are 18 and 14 years olds. We also have a daughter who is 9. There are many times my husband and I have said to each other and to friends, "what were we thinking!!!! We would be almost done now." Doesn't at all mean we don't want our daughter or we are sorry we have her or we wish she wasn't here or we want to hurt our friends. Its an innocent comment. I think people take things too personally. JMO.

[AwaitingBeloved]

I think venting to other adults is one thing, but I agree with Marci, that letting a child hear such a thing is painful for that child. Kids can't figure out that their parents are stressed. I didn't understand the meaning of the word stress until I was a young adult (fortunately for me, my parents did a decent job of shielding me from it, until my brothers got in some trouble, than I learned quick.)

I do worry about the days I may have where I am overwhelmed, and how I'll deal with them. I hope I can remember in that moment, how sensitively I feel for children now, in this moment, and draw from those feelings.

I know people who have treated their kids this way, and it is just so sad. And often, the kids are troubled, but I wonder if they were troubled before the comments or if the comments knocked them down a few pegs on the self esteem pole.

We all have bad days. We all say things in the heat of the moment that we don't mean, and we can apologize for. Once in awhile is one thing, but these kinds of comments to kids I fear can do some damage. Especially if it's more than once in awhile.

[NaomiNJaysmom]

I am not sure about other adoptive parents but I know myself that I say the same things about our adopted child as I did/do our bio children. For example.... About a month ago the Baby was up all night screaming. I took him to the pedi the next morning and when he came in I said if this baby doesn't have something wrong with him I am putting him out front with a for sale sign! Did I mean it? No. Was it stress relief yes. There have been many times I have said that if this child (who ever it is at the time) keeps this up I am pitching him/her off the back deck! I don't feel any pressure to pretend that it is not just as hard and stressful parenting an adopted child as it is my bio children. I hope that if other adoptive parents feel they are not allowed to vent just know that there are moms out here who let it all out and it doesn't mean we love our babies any less.

[AdrienneG]

Humor is a stress relief that only people who know you can understand.

To a stranger it may open old wounds on their own feelings about adoption..they may not get your intentions and interpret it to mean that you dont appreciate or want your child.

To a small child it may confuse them. Some children internalize things worst than others.

I cant even answer your question because I dont have adoption remorse.

[adoptiveparentblog]

whoops. i'm sorry. i did screw up the terminology there using the word birthparents when what i meant was that i think biological parents raising their kids tend to admit to parenting remorse and adoptive parents less so. i think i may have totally confused the issue i was trying to put on the table. sorry about that. the post on my blog clears it up though. thanks Marci for letting me quote you. i'm going to write some more on the topic and will post your thoughts over on the blog.

[traceyk]

I have no remorse what so ever, but I can tell you that if DH is travelling or working late, Drihan will get to be a little gremlin. But as soon as Daddy walks through the door, she is a perfect princess. It seems to me that she is probably the one saying "I can't wait until Daddy gets home" She will snuggle and love him all up and look at me through the corner of her eye with smug smile. Don't think they don't need time away from us sometimes too. I feel that since she is with me all day (I am a SAHM) she craves the attention of her sisters and Daddy and actually gets tired of being with just me. I would never say anything hurtful though, because I could never feel negative about her, she is my daughter!

[LisaCA]

i have no problem stating that there are times when dd is just pure evil. People have said she's just adorable and they'd love to take her home and I have said "here, take her". she's my child thru and thru, so I don't even think twice about it. Now that she's older and understanding more (19 months) I will just roll my eyes and that get's my message across. I'm just a mom who spends all day with dd-of course there are times when I wish I wasn't there. But that's normal and i'm normal.

[Lexie]

Originally Posted by FH-LisaCA

I'm just a mom who spends all day with dd-of course there are times when I wish I wasn't there. But that's normal and i'm normal.

That just sounds like everyday life--not remorse. My ds wakes up at night...still....( he is only 6 mos) and I am working fulltime and he doesn't want to go back to sleep with dh, only me. All this love is tiring--but its not remorse. The only regret I have about both my bio son and adopted son is that I did not do both sooner. I am starting to feel my 40something years. I can't say I have any remorse. Even when I am dog tired ( a lot these days) my sons are the best thing I have ever done. Now there are days I feel remorse about dh, but that's another story