[Hollygirl]

I haven't posted in a while so you all probably don't remember me. For a short period of time, DH and I thought we would be adopting a baby in June. The baby's mom decided that she would keep the baby back in early January. After the heartbreak, I decided to pursue our own infertility issues a little further. (I was so excited about the poss. adoption that I put my own fertility on the back burner) Well to make a long story short, both of my tubes are clubbed and I have endometrios. Basically, the doctor told me that we would never concieve on our own. His suggestion......IVF. Oh, I never realized that it could be so expensive. Now for the hard decision. Do we save, save, save and try IVF later this year. Or do we start to pursue adoption again. Any advise is greatley appreciated.

[mommamarci]

Hollygirl,

This is a very personal decision that you and your dh need to make. Every situation is different. I chose to forgo all fertility treatments. I am a very natural person and do not believe in the drugs that are often needed in fertility treatments. I also worried that if I was not getting pregnant, there was an underlying reason that could harm the baby if a doctor got me pregnant. I know several people who have done fertility treatments and had complications or premature deliveries. I did not want to worry that I would adversely affect the health of my unborn child. (There are also lots of people who do fertility treatments and have healthy pregnancies.) This was a hard decision for my family to accept. They did not understand why we would jump right to adoption. We are just getting started, working on the home study right now, so I cannot say how the outcome will be, but we are very optimistic that we will be parents one day. It might take a while, but we are prepared for that.
I think you are going to get different answers from everyone you ask, but ultimately you need to decide. Sorry I could not be more help and I will be thinking of you as you struggle to make this decision.
-Marci

[Kimmisue]

We pretty much got to that same point. We chose to go with adoption because we knew eventually we WOULD be parents, with IVF, there is no guarantee that it will work. We knew we couldn't afford to try both, so we stopped tx and went for adoption. But, I will also say that I was totally 100% fine with never being pregnant. My mother is deceased and I don't think emotionally I could do it without her. Plus, I just never really had the desire to go through a pregnancy. I'm a wimp. I just knew I wanted to be a mom and didn't really care how that happened. I think you are the only one that can make this decision. You just have to decide how important it is to you to have that bio connection. To me it didn't matter, but not everyone feels that way. Good luck to you!!


Kim

[ddhuab]

My dh and I decided right off (when it looked like we would need to try IUI, and then the next step would be IVF) that we would go straight with adoption for our first child.

Why?

Because just doing the Clomid and shots, I was already feeling horrible, always asking myself, "Will I ever be a mother?" I was also very concerned about all the hormones wreaking havoc with my emotions. And the $$$ - it can really add up if you need to do 2 or more cycles. And you never know if it will work. I just wanted to increase the chances of being a family. Also, I had no problem with the idea of adoption.

Now we are in the adoption process. It wasn't as "quick and sure" as I had invisioned. And it is more expensive than I had imagined. (but still comparable to a few cycles of IVF).

We may try IVF for our second child in a few years, if I feel like the emotional side effects won't adversely effect my parenting.

Good luck in your decision,
D.

[MollyinSD]

Well this is really a personal choice since you know the ups and downs of adoption.

I went through IVF and when it failed I decided to put my money where I knew I would one day have a child - through adoption.

I guess a little history awould help. We did allt he infertility stuff you could and in May of 2003 we did the IVF fresh cycle. I eneded up with a chemical pregnancy. All thsoe shots and such and money to me down the drain, we decided to do adoption.

In July we went to an adoption meeting and then in September turned in our letter.

On December 28th we were called that we had been selected and she was in labor. The situation was sketchy but we borught Andrew home 2 days later. 5 days after that his mom changed hewr mind and came to get him since here in CA she has 30 days. It was devestating, but I had always thought things didn't seem right and that she made the decision to quickly.

15 days after losing A, we were called again with what our facilitator thought was a similar situation. We disagreed and decided to go for it. She was due 5 days later. That day came and went and we thought she changed her mind - she wanted no contact so we had no way of knowing. About a week later I got a call on my cell while teaching that she was in labor and wanted us there at the hospital to greet the new baby!

We drove like crazy and were there waiting for our forever son. It was incredible.

Later we went back to IVF for a frozen cycle so that I would know that I gave all our embies chance and I think because of miracle number 1, we got a miracle number 2! I truly thought it would not work and was doing it so that I would know I tried to give our life a chance and was planning on going back on the adoption list in February. We also only did that because it was a quarter of the cost of our previous adoption.

Personally, I would go with adoption if money is tight and you think that is the road you want to pursue, but really it is a long road and you have to decide with your DH which road is best for the 2 of you.

[meimaemomma]

Holly,
I don't have advice, but just wanted to say how sorry I am for your losses - both of a potential child through adoption and the potential of pregnancies without IVF.

Our situation was different - it isn't infertility but a medical issue (and complication from my pregnancy with our first) that led us to adoption. We knew we would have another high risk pregnancy, with the possibility of loss and a guarantee of prematurity.

We have not had an easy time of adoption (and have switched from domestic transracial to adopting from Ethiopia afer a difficult fall). While some say "you can always adopt" that isn't, as you know, how it works, and it certainly isn't how it feels. Yet we do not regret our decision to bring our little one home from ethiopia.

I'm sorry for your pain, and I wish you the very best as you make this decision.

[brookeinpa]

Holly,

This is such a hard decision to make. Each person reaches the end of the infertility journey at their own time. For us, it took 4 IUIs with injectables, multiple surgeries, 4 fresh IVF cycles with my beat up uterus and 1 IVF with a surrogate that ended in a miscarriage before we were ready to move on. When we moved to adoption, we did so without hesitation. We had no doubts or nagging 'what ifs' in our minds. That was the most important thing to us.

Although I wish I had all the money that we wasted on infertility treatments back, I don't think I would change anything about my journey to 'motherhood'. All of the infertility treatments strengthened my desire to become a mother and showed me just how strong a person I am.

Brooke

[DominicsGirl]

Hollygirl, I also wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you need to go through this. Infertility is very difficult and it will never leave you.

My DH and I went through three IVF's, all resulted in pregnancies that ended in miscarriages. I actually had no desire to do the IVF's in the first place, but my DH really wanted to try. If we had not had the insurance coverage for all three, I wouldn't have done them, I would have gone straight to adoption.

I wish you the best of luck in your decision. I'm also going to PM you another forum that may provide you some support.

[Kristi62870]

Hi Kristin!

That's a tough decision! Actually, I went through all of the IVF's and 3 miscarriages and emergency surgeries with no success and am still not sorry that I went through it all. Sure, I guess I'm sorry I don't have the money that I lost (about $30,000!), but I had to make 100% sure I did everything I could do to try to have a biological child. After all of the failed attempts at that, I was certain that adoption was where God was leading us and we began our journey.

I, too, have tubal problems and only have one tube left. I lost one to an ectopic pregnancy after an IUI and I'm one of the RARE people that had an ectopic pregnancy in that remaining "good" tube after IVF.

It's such a personal decision and I will pray that you come to a decision that you can be happy with!

Good luck sweetie!

Kristi

[tobeafamily]

I think you've got to balance the risk that IVF may fail vs. the risk that you've already faced - that an expectant parent makes a plan with you that fails & they parent.

The benefit of course to the former is that you give birth, meaning there is no post-birth parent v. place risk. Also, genetically, ethnically, socially this child is 100% yours.

Some choose IVF. They want to be pregnant badly enough that they're willing to go through the emotional, physical, social and financial processes. Some decide that its' not that important to give birth and invest all their emotional, physical, social and financial resources that route.

The only thing I can say for certain is that those who are determined to be parents always will. In both IVF and adoption it's about having the patience, fortitude, focus and determination to be a parent.

HTH, best of luck.

Regina

[lisa in venice]

How about BOTH!! Now wait a minute I amnot suggesting you hock everything but have you considered a clinic with a money back guarantee? There are clinics thathave you pay for 2 or3 cycles in advance and if you don't end up with a baby they give you all of your money back. Gottago. I will post more later.

lisa

[proudmommyof 2]

When you were pursuing the adoption, you said that you put your fertility on the back burner. Would you be okay with the possibility that you may never be pregnant and experience child birth? If you are, you may be ready to pursue adoption again.

You have to examine how important it is to you that the child be biologically yours, that you believe that you did what you could to conceive. Every situation is different.

I was 23 when we started TTC. We started doing fertility work-ups after about a year. They would find something small, and correct it (mild endo, correctable for me, hypthyroidism, on meds, dh had varicocele surgery) that each time they would say, "That's why you're not pregnant", and then nothing would happen.

We started the adoption process about 1 1/2 to 2 years into our marriage and fertility troubles. For us, though, this was always part of the plan. We planned to adopt after having bio children, but always planned it. That is why we started into adoption relatively quickly.

We didn't try the IVFs. WE did a couple of IUIs. We had a failed domestic adoption, and it was the hardest thing that ever happened to us. Which then led us to Russian adoption.

After Dennis came home, I tried a couple of IUIs again. MOre to save money, but as one last change. AFter 2, I asked myself why we were spending this money, when there was a child waiting for us somewhere. That led us to Tommy.

For a time, I really wanted to be pregnant and to have all of the experiences that came with it. Now, I just want more children.

Would I be thrilled to find that I was pregnant? Of course. Would I be crushed to find out that I never will be? Not really.

Good luck making your decision!

[AdrienneG]

Its up to you cuz this is your choice but you have a higher probability of sucess with adoption than with IVF.

(And Im not denying the people who have conceived with IVF.)

[megaphonemo]

Everyone makes great points about how hard this decision is for you and how it is ultimately your choice.... But as you can see from my signature - I really wish we had passed on all the fertility stuff, and gone right to adoption.


We have no "what ifs" and I wish you the same. Once you make your decision, don't second guess yourself - that is wasted energy......

Peace.....

Mega

[LisaCA]

I think the decision comes down to a few things, including 1. just how much the genetic tie means to you, 2. whether you really want to experience a pregnancy and how important that is to you, 3. how long you're willing to wait for a child.

for some, the genetic tie is quite important. not me, but I understand it means a lot to some. Experiencing a pregnancy is also quite important to some. if that's the case, you might want to check out a few other things before adoption. If you're young, then you might be willing to wait a couple of years to save the money for IVF. That way you can say you did everything possible. And with one IVF try, you can see whether you respond well to the drugs (producing a number of good quality eggs) and then check out the blastocysts that develop. It may be that the odds for ivf working for you aren't that great either, or it may mean that you are producing excellent quality eggs that fertilize well and so you have a few embryos around, including some to freeze. that means you may want to try another round using the frozen embryos (much cheaper than the first round of ivf). If age is an issue, waiting a couple of years to save money for ivf just means your egg quality is dropping, plus you may just not be willing to wait any longer for a child without feeling you want to do something.

it's clearly a decision that only you and your dh can make. Have you read Adopting After Infertility by Patricia Irwin Johnston? it may help you think thru a few things, help you decide if that's where you're at.

I wish you luck,

Lisa