[laine]

Hi can anyone give me an average $ amount to expect for bmom expenses.

[mommamarci]

It depends where you live also. I have a book at home that breaks down by state. I live in Indiana and there is a cap of $3000. If you want to PM me your state, I can try and remember to look this weekend and let you.

[Papa D]

I'm wondering about this too. We just sent our out of state attorney a check for $3500 - he said $1500 was his retainer and the rest for expenses. I knew the birth mom was asking for maternity clothes, but whoah, what else would she need? She lives with her mother and has her own insurance.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Our agency estimates $3-10000

[mommamarci]

Oh my goodness. I am glad I live in Indiana right now. I can't imagine $10,000!

[AwaitingBeloved]

I know, enough to give you heart failure.

[mamaF]

Don't you feel in some ways that is unethical to ask paparents to pay that? They really have us all by the heartstrings, so sometimes I think agencies will soak people for the upper limit of what is bearable. I think this is where adoptees I know feel like they were "purchased".

But, that is why I am adopting through the foster care system. I can't swallow that kind of "down payment"!

[joskimo]

Yowza. We paid I think 3K but a portion of that was held after delivery I think, so she had a nest egg. OUr adoption agency put the bmom up in a home for the last 2 months of her pregnancy, paid utilities, groceries, etc. Bmom was on medicaid, food stamps and I'm not sure what other support.

[mamaF]

$3K is one thing, but 10K-plus? Yikes!

[Lovebug]

We paid 2500. I think that is reasonable. 10K?? No way, IMO.

--Renee

[AwaitingBeloved]

Yeah, 10K is steep.

We were fortunate to match (so far) with a couple that does not want living expenses.

However, since it's in state, the agency slaps on a 10K fee for that, too. If it was out of state, and they declined living expenses, we would be saving this fee. Bummer. And they're planning on moving out of state after the birth. Timing is everything. hmph

Our agency is very expensive. This will end up costing us about 4x the average domestic adoption, we had no idea when we started out and thought they were about the same as other agencies. We've learned the hard way. That's why I'm so adamant about people investigating their agencies on every level. We followed our hearts to this agency because people we knew had successes with them, but the people we knew were in a far better financial situation than us, we're just normal people. This is definitely a sore spot for us.

[LisaCA]

we paid about $500 dollars. We matched just before dd's birth (2 days before). we paid her hospital copay of about $250, plus about $250 for other expenses including medications.

btw, you can tell the agency to match you with someone who doesn't need much in the way of expenses. it's up to you.

[shadowdove]

Speaking as a nmother who lost her firstborn daughter to adoption 42 years ago..I hope my opinion does not offend anyone. I am entirely against any $$$$ changing hands for a human being. I am even more deeply troubled about pregnant mothers asking or accepting money. To include agencies or lawyers supposedly demanding money for pg mom expenses or potential adoptive parents even offering.. Many times the agencies are collecting public $$$ on behalf of the pg mother..for medical care of the pg mom, and while in the hospital. And if a pg mom is working for a wage, with company medical benefits why would she , the agency or the lawyer ask for $$$$?? Are the agencies spurring the pg mom on to ask for $$$ or telling her it is her right to expect $$$ while she is pg and birth of her child? Sorry I just don't like all this money exchanging hands for a tiny human being.. I believe the $$$$ leaves open the door to too much questionable agendas and activities, to include the pg mom... I am 'old school' and it just doesn't sound or feel right to me..

If I can ask anyone here... exactly what are the pg moms asking $$$$$ for? I have heard of some real questionable reasons for demanding $$$$ for her 'expenses' while pregnant and eventual birth.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Hi Shadowdove,
I'm not offended.

I was thinking about this earlier because my SIL, whom I respect dearly and is generally very sensitive and comforting and just an all around great gal made a "joke" earlier today about this. We were visiting at my parents earlier and she said something to her oldest (7 yr old) about how he'd be having a new cousin soon. He was so cute, he looked at my belly and asked when was I having the baby, like, could I hurry it up! hehe. I told him we were adopting a baby. I asked him if he knew what that meant. He was like, DUH! YEAH. And at the same time, my SIL said in the background, so he couldn't hear, but she knew I could, that we are buying a baby. Sadly, that is how it starts to feel when you get into the higher dollar amounts.

I agree, and completely wish the fees were more reasonable. I honestly think most agencies are more reasonable than mine. I recently learned that the avg domestic adoption costs 10-15000. And then there is the tax credit so really it could be 0-5000 after the credit is used, if you are able to take it (we will be able to take it, thankfully).

I do feel that adoption agencies should work on donations, or more on sliding scales. It's not right to charge as high as some of them do.

The fees cover living expenses such as, clothing, food, prenatal visits, housing if needed, medical insurance if needed, things like this.

I agree, that pbparents should not be able to receive any money. Housing is one thing (the housing our agency offers is far from luxurious, just practical), but actual money for clothes, food, etc is too much IMO. However, if the pbparents we're currently matched with needed anything, I'd give them the shirt off my back, I care about them so much.

Our agency does encourage the pbparents to accept living expenses. This pbmom has told me on several occasions and previous pbmoms we'd been matched with told us the same. We were unwilling to work with a pbmom that needed living expenses, we couldn't afford that on top of everything else.

Honestly, until recently, the money just upset me because we were having to pay for this and we felt screwed. Now, it upsets me, because it's money we could have added to a college fund or a trust fund. That's what upsets me about it now.

I think any parent would give their life savings for their child, and that's how I calm myself when I freak out about the money. It is only money. (remind me of this when I'm cursing the agency next week about hidden fees.) ;-)

Anyway, I like the way you think, and I hope eventually reform happens for many different reasons, and for all members of the triad.

[ddhuab]

WOW, your agency sounds totally unethical regarding expenses for the adoptive parents!
I know you have stated that you have now found that they are far more expensive than other agencies/attorneys, but I just don't understand how they can justify an additional 10,000 fee because the expectant parents live in the same state??? Was I misreading that? Because it seems that it would be more expensive vice-versa, with ICPC, long-distance communication, fed-exing documents, etc. Plus, it sounds like the parents are not taking advantage of their living facilities, so why would a same-state situation be more expensive? Or is there something especially difficult about the state in which you live?

As much as I would love to do another adoption from Guatemala (we are in the process for our first one), I am actually thinking the second one is going to be domestic, because of hopefully lowered fees and (most importantly) less paperwork.

At least you agency seems to be able to connect you with expectant parents wanting to place, so that *hopefully* you are having a quick process.... that is good, and if they are a good agency, I guess they will be worth the money.

I am keeping my fingers crossed your current match works out for all involved.

It is getting close, isn't it?

Question - will you use your current agency again for another adoption?

D.