[AdrienneG]

Did anyone see February 4, 2006's Dear Abby? The title of the column was "Birth Mother's Regret Weighs Heavily on Teen"

I cannot remember if its okay to post the link here. I think it should be okay since Ive seen links on this forum before.

In the case the link is removed, it is the Feb 4, 2006 Dear Abby.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ucda/2006020...N5bnN1YmNhdA--

[Tudu]

EXCESSIVE? Give me a break. I am so sick of people and their opinions, I think they should keep their mouths shut when they don't have any experience. If you have first hand knowledge, great share your opinion. If not, SHUT UP YOU LOOK STUPID. Sorry, I got alittle carried away. That comment hit home.

[alwaysus]

Playing devils advocate, maybe for this girl it is excessive. If she is uncomfortable with it, then there is a reason. Adoption is supposed to be about whats best for the child, maybe at this point in her life, the contact is not what is best. Of course, I don't know all of the details, just what I read in the letter. SO what happens if/when the adopted child does not want contact? I know that when birth parents shut off contact, it can hurt the child and there is nothing that can be done. I can only imagine that for a child to want to cease contact with the birth family would be painful as well. But at age 14, this girl knows what she wants.

Paul is 6 and he has zero urge to visit T in prison. He flat out told me " I will not go visit again and thats final." Do I force him because she is his birth mother, or do I allow him to have some control over his feelings. ( We have visited her 3 times in the past year and he doesn't want to go back)
Touchy subject I know.....

[SchmennaLeigh]

The only thing I feel is "excessive" is the "heavy" poetry unless the teenager is stating that other things (the phone calls/letters) are also making her feel upset. Teenagers can be moody at any time, without warning. I don't feel it's appropriate to "unload" the "heavy" poetry, either, and I hope that my own birthdaughter's parents will wait to let her read some of my "heavier" things until she is older and understands that I am able to separate my grief regarding adoption loss from anything regarding her family or her as a human being/my daughter/whatever.

I think that "Abby's" reply should have been a bit longer, advising the parents to have a heartfelt discussion with their daughter about WHY she is moody after these phone calls: is it because she is too overwhelmed? is it because she DOES feel fondly for her birthmother but feels guilt in doing so? is it because of x, y or z? After that, they need to have a discussion with the birthmother about what they have discussed and ask her to adjust a few things.

As with any relationship, emotions ebb and flow. Changes need to be made to find a fit with a particular stage in life. Obviously, some things need to change but to simply label all of the contact as excessive is just ridiculous. It's called "communication within your family." Talk to the daughter, figure out what's going on and set some new boundaries.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well... there is a lot of information missing, I think. What constitutes upsetting? Crying? Is this expressed upsetness or observed upsetness. Crying, feeling emotions it is all healthy. Maybe the poems are sad to her. 14 was the beginning of my dark poetry phase... so maybe it isnt that they are too deep, but that she feels them deeply and is able to react to that emotion. Do tears make her want to not have contact... or do tears worry her parents... So much info that is needed to even start discussing whether it is excessive or not. Or if the issue is even what the parents think the issue is.

That said... if we who have experience cannot even start to give advice without more questions... how is Abby able to just say.. whoa that is excessive... I do appreciate that she said to talk to Sara and see what is going on, though.

[LisaCA]

DEAR NO NAMES: From my perspective, the letters, photographs and the quarterly phone calls are excessive. And for the birth mother to send "heavy" poetry in an effort to offload her guilt and pain at placing her child for adoption is selfish. Because the contact with her birth mother is depressing your daughter instead of being uplifting, it's time to ask Sara what she thinks -- and take your cue from her.

wow, excessive isn't what I'd call it. the only thing I feel comfortable agreeing to is the last sentence. it is time to talk to sara and ask her what she thinks. she is old enough to have some input. This is complicated and deserves more than a few sentences, from the amom and from dear abby.

[meimaemomma]

The fact that she gave such a short response to something so monumental is really problematic. By all means, they should all be taking "Sara's" cues. But that won't mean just asking Sara, who could be overwhelmed by feelings of divided allegiance. Ugh. What a horrible, useless, damaging response.

[Volfe]

Oh I tore that article out until I could gather my calmer emotions to write that stupid columnist. I felt that 'Abby' was totally irresponsible in writing her uninformed opinion that such contact was excessive. Many people will read that first sentence and stop there. I can picture many copies of that response being cut out to be shown to someone more open than they...
I think the remorse should be curbed a bit, do not make the daughter feel guilt for something she had no control over - she deserves only happiness right now, she is too young to handle the heaviness IMO. When she is older and can understand - not absorb, not burden hersself with guilt - well, then she could be approached, shown the poetry. But Abby should have perhaps explained that adoption - for all its happinesses - is also a system of Loss and Pain - equal measures perhaps. To some degrees adoptees feel sad over the losses involved, theirs, their first families, the what ifs, and the adoptive parents should be told that this is a part of the path that must be walked with their daughter with their wisdom, love and guidance... and also with the birth mother on the path too.

Abby's answer stunk.

Maia

[SchmennaLeigh]

Maia,

Send that in.

[LisaCA]

what bothers me is that she offers a decision affecting three people thru the lens of just one person. what really could work is that everyone involved get some therapy, bring in a 4th person, a therapist that can really talk to the daughter without both moms, could read the poetry that bmom sends, and if she's willing and able talk to bmom, talk to amom and see what she's feeling -as an amom I know there are emotions there that need to be explored. sara, the daughter, does need to be able to have some input here. teens are a mess mostly (the emotions part) and this is a situation full of emotion. if there ever was a need for an intelligent party to talk to them all and provide guidance, this is it.

[blessedbybug]

I have to say the columnist gave a pretty simplistic answer to a very complex situation and that is regrettable. It is important that Sara be able to process to understand her adoption without being plied with some of the sadness over a decision that was made for her. Her birthmother has every right to express her sadness, but her mother also has the responsibility herself to make sure her DD can handle what she has been given. Contact may very well upset this young girl, although the amount described was IMO by no means excessive, as she processes everything. It is upto all the adults in her life to help her understand what her adoption means, give her the space to be upset if she needs to, to celebrate it when she wants to, and overall, just be herself. 14 is a tough age for anyone, but with the added questions about identity brought about by an adoption placement, it could be tougher.

I have several letters that were written by my DD's birthmother within the first months of Bug's life and although eventually I would like Bug to have them all as they are an important part of who she is, I won't do it until she is able to cope with it and even more imporantly, understand what is being said. "Dark" poetry isn't always the best avenue to understanding even if it might be one person's way of dealing with their emotions.

That said, I think Abby needs to keep quiet about something this complex, offer couseling for the family instead of a pat answer. Each adoption relationship is different. Each child is different in their ability to cope.

[manni28]

With all do respect, I don't see anything wrong with dear Ann’s response. She stated that if the communication is upsetting to Sara then, as a parent you should ask Sara what she wants-to limit contact or stop for a while. At fourteen, she is able to state what she wants. Also, for the bmom to send poetry that is depressing would make ME as a parent wonder WHY she is sending this??? The child is fourteen!

[NicNic]

Excessive?! What the? Oh yeah, how old is Dear Abby? She is probably from the era of closed adoptions. She is a big public figure that just doesn't get it.

As far as the heavy poetry...I don't feel that it is ever appropriate to unload your guilt onto a child. I am sure that there is a need to unload it, but go to therapy. No good is going to come from it. I'm not saying that the girl shouldn't know that the situation made her bmom sad...but the girl does not need to carry that burden of guilt with her. She is a child and should be treated as a child.

By the way, I thought Dear Abby died a few years ago. Hmmm...

[manni28]

NicNic:

My feelings are the same;the bmom should not be unloading this kind of guilt/feelings on her bchild.

[Linny]

I have to agree with Manni. It is true, that perhaps the adoptive mom is having some issues with all of this, now that her daughter is older. But, there is no more evidence that this is happening, than evidence it is not.
Taken at face value.....taken that this daughter is truly getting upset after the phone calls, after the poetry, etc....perhaps the birthmother is unloading far too much on this kid.
Just as there are dysfunctional adoptive parents....so there are dysfunctional birthparents. I'd like to think that the parents are smart enough to talk to their daughter about all of it. (And there's no reason to suspect they will not.)
But, at face value again.......I do believe it's wrong for the birthmother to unload on the child. It would be just like an adoptive parent trying to unload about being infertile, and lamenting that they couldn't give birth, KWIM?

Regardless, it should be the call of the child at this age. She should be the focus...and no one else. Let's just hope the adults act like adults...and without further info, that's about as much as any of us could go with.....

Sincerely,

Linny