[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I am SO mad! Last night I was at the fabric store when a woman passed me (pushing my double stroller with my 2 beautiful sons in it) and said "oh my, you sure have your hands full." Well, I have heard that one before, so I just said "sometimes" with an air in my voice as if to say...maybe so, but the joys certainly out weigh the stresses.

Well, she should have just left it there...instead she said "You know, that was always my worst fear...TWINS." The first thing that ran thru my head was "well lady try dealing with the fear that you will NEVER be pregnant! Then further deal with the emotional issues that come with dealing with infertility." Instead I just said "Well, my husband and I have adopted these boys, so we CHOSE to have them at the same time. Not only that, but we are currently buying a bigger house so that we can adopt more." You should have seen her eyes. You also should have heard her try to back peddal.

Even if they WERE twins, I still find it to be rude. Just because I push a double stroller does not give everyone fair game to share their rude comments and questions. We have gotten this ever since Bear joined out family. I think I am just getting sick of it!

[numbr1dbcksfan]

That was rude? Sounds more like "whoa... I couldnt do that! Props to you!"

[taramayrn]

That's kind of what I was thinking. I think she was giving you props even if it came out not so great.

[Lorraine123]

Whats rude about saying that you have your hands full? If I saw you, I would probably say the same. In fact, I have said that to others with two little ones with them. And they have usually just smiled and said "yes, I do". I meant it as a compliment. I don't see that as rude.

[paigeturner]

You know, I learn a lot from these boards from all members of the triad who've had experiences with all types of adoptions. I'm a naturally gregarious and friendly person. I'm terrified of talking to people with children in the airport or grocery store, etc. because I'm so afraid that they'll take offense to a simple inquiry. I simply ignore them. I think its sad. I love kids.

I'm with Christine, the comments you've described seem to be a great compliment to you.

Anyway, sorry you were offended. Perhaps this woman will learn to just ignore families with children like I do.

[LisaCA]

part of communication is thinking about what you say and how it will be received/interpreted by the other person. i think this woman dropped the ball. she left her comments vague enough (and intrusive enough) for them to be interpreted in any fashion. whether she meant it as a positive or not, it wasn't received as such and she shares a big chunk of the blame. to clarify, she should have added something like "hats off to you, I couldn't do it" or something. otherwise it just sits there.

personally I like blowing people out of the water when they say stuff like this, esp if I'm having a less than stellar day.

people need to think before they form a sentence. The world would be a better place because of it. Just because it pops into your head doesn't mean it should pop out of your mouth.

[myccg2004]

We all have issues close to our hearts that are not considered issues at all by other people. Infertility and adoption are 2 huge ones. Everyone has their own interpretation of things said. I, personally, would not have taken what that woman said as being rude. She was probably thinking, WOW, how do you do it, I know I couldn't".

We have friends that have 8 year old triplet girls. My husband and I were going through some rough issues with fertility when they were born but I can remember saying to my friend, " Oh my God, better you than me !!"
Somewhat jokingly, of course!!!

[NDN]

Originally Posted by FH-Lorraine123

Whats rude about saying that you have your hands full?

I think she was actually referring to the statement

"You know, that was always my worst fear...TWINS."

As if twins were some horrible pestilence to be avoided at all costs.

In the end, though, I think that some people that make comments like that are intending to give you credit for doing what they feel they could not. However, I do understand that this sort of remarks becomes tiresome. Perhaps your response will help her to understand that not all people see children as an inconvenience so that she will choose her comments more carefully.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I got that it was the twins statement... I just think the twins statement is the same as having your handsful.. and that she could never do it. I would think twins are a nightmare, too. And absolutley am in awe that people can and do willingly ask for them....

I guess... if I knew what else it could mean then I might get the anger... What do you think it meant? How did it come across???

[crick]

Bug&Bear...was it the tone with the statement? Because that definitely makes a difference.

As a mom of 4 kids ages 9,8,6&5, I get them all!

I can tell by the tone though who is being rude or those who are just taking an interest and making conversation. My kids are funny and very sociable so we often get comments. The "handful" comment...you bet. But it isn't that common these days I think to see many groups of 4 kids so close in age. Usually my response to that one is "Oh yes! A handful of love!" Or if they are not behaving well and that's why I get the comment, I might say with a smile "Ain't motherhood just grand sometimes?"

Sometimes I get rude ones...but mostly not. People are just naturally curious and I'll take the cute comments or the "your children behave so well!" anyday! Yes, sometimes the attention comes at a time I might not be in the mood for or etc., but as long as they are not being rude, I'm inclined to be positive.

Think the rudest comment I ever got was "Don't people believe in birth control anymore?" Now that one I did have a mean comeback for...and she was sorry for it. Had a great day after that one... (yes, I do like to be snarky at times when it is warranted!!!)

And I think too, because I have gotten the above very rude and awful comment, I find most everything else to be of an inquiring state rather than an attempt to chastise me or my kids.

[brandydawn]

I think she was trying to say that having twins (or two children of the same age) is a lot of work and she herself never could have done it.

I think the words she chose to use and possibly her tone (not sure I wasn't there) were poor.

Don't let yourself get too worked up over it..I find that most of the "rude" comments I hear are because the words didn't come out how they meant it or they are just uneducated about certain things.

Just the other day at my daughter's Gymboree class I looked at a mother of the cutest little twins and asked "How old are they?"....they were already walking but were so tiny....and she said "One" and I responded with "Wow, they are so small"......insert foot into mouth...I didn't even think how that sounded and probably offended this poor woman when I didn't mean to.

Regards,
Brandy

[momraine]

It sounds to me like the problem wasn't the "you have your hands full" comment, but the one about twins being the ladys worst fear. I have a daughter who has two prosthetic legs and is missing some fingers. Her prosthetic legs are hot pink and sometimes she uses a wheelchair, I get my share of stupid comments, but I usually choose to assume that they didn't mean anything rude by it. I have friends with similar children and we love to laugh about the dumbest comments together, so now when I hear one, I just smile thinking about telling my friends the latest. I figure laughing about it is way better than getting upset, and now so does my daughter. Sometimes now when someone says something dumb, she will give them a sweet answer and then turn to me and make a face. She has a great attitude about herself.

[MommyBear]

I really think it has a lot to do with the filters WE choose to hear other people's words through. That same comment to someone else might have been completely innocent, or (as I think I would take it) would make someone proud that YES, in fact as an adoptive parent I actually chose this and I sure am good at it!!

My grandmother used to say to me all the time "Thank God you weren't twins!" I was her first grandchild and she loved me more than life itself - her comment was meant to be funny and I thought it was funny and still tell people about it to this day. I never stop to think that I might be telling it to someone who has twins, or lost twins or whatever. We all need to be free to share our stories and our thoughts. If we choose to let others stories and thoughts hurt us that deeply, than sometimes we need to look inward for the reasons why.

[jillned]

I was in Sears yesterday with my kids and the lady at the checkout was talking to my son (who is 1 and sitting ) and then she saw me peek in on the baby that she couldn't see from where she was as I had her covered. She then asked if they were twins and I was like no she's a weeks old(and in an infant carrier!! ) So she comes around and peeks at her and says Wow a week old and you're out already you must be feeling great. I should just pretend like am superwoman, but I explained that we adopted these children. She could have left it at that but then said that there is a special place for people that adopt. I can't stand that comment and have heard it more than once. It's not like when we get to heaven there's a private island just for adpotive parents. I know I've gone off an a tangent here, but why don't people think before they speak?

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

It was ALL in the tone. That and the way she practically ran from the area I was shopping in. I can understand people when they have the "wow, great job, I couldn't do that" comments. This is the first time anyone ever made comment as though my kids might be more of a burden that a blessing. I have had many many comments over the last 8 months, but her tone completely stung. I know I have been oversensitive at times, but I did not mention that she also said "I am just thinking about what you are going to be in for when they hit those terrible 2s you might not have wanted 2 at the same time" To which I replied "Well, God does not give you more than he knows you can handle." So maybe it was because I felt I had to defend my decision to have my babies??