[MMC66]

This is a question I have been curious about since we first looked into adoption.

When you have biological children. Of course you hope for healthy children but love and embrace what you are given, ultimately just the same as you would the picture perfect baby.

Adoption is different, at least at the outset. You as parents are able to choose what you are willing to accept in a newborn.

Our agency presented us with lots of categories.

Birthparent medical history
Drug exposure
Cosmetic birth defects
Meically complex

There are also other choices you are presented with like
Race
Child conceived of rape or incest
Unknown birth father

I'm sure there are others. I am curious if there was one particular area that made absolutely no difference to you?? Were there situations you knew you absolutely could not handle??

Is this fair?? Why or Why not??

OR

Has Martha completely lost her mind??????

[Fran27]

It's a tough question, but honestly no matter what people want us to believe I don't think that special needs children are such a large proportion of infants that get adopted.

Personally, I'm ok if the birthmom has some small emotional issues (like depression), I'm ok with the birthmom smoking and with marijuana for the first 3 months, and that's it... Cosmetic birth defects are fine if they are fixable. I would be ok with unknown birth father or rape if we didn't want only a caucasian child (not my decision, but probably better in our family anyway). We might be more open for the second baby if we end up adopting another (finances are tight), but for now I just don't have enough experience IMO to take good care of a special needs child.

[brookeinpa]

When we were completing our paperwork, we looked at it not as what we were 'willing to accept in a newborn', but instead as providing a description of the child that we were best prepared to parent. I don't know if this is simply semantics, but it helped me complete the paperwork.

I have to admit, I was worried indicating that we were open to anything other than 'a perfect child'. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought that if we did, our agency would end up only presenting us with situations that no one else was open to. In the end, our dd had no drug or alcohol exposure and a known bdad. All things that we had indicated were not of the utmost importance to us.

I look forward to seeing how everyone responds to this. It was the hardest part of our adoption paperwork.

Brooke

[MMC66]

I honestly have no idea what the stats are on babies with "special needs" I think there are plenty but many don't go through the agencies. Many go through the foster system - I'm not honestly sure.

We wer open to any race - but had a preference towards AA

We had no problems with unknown bfather, unknown medical history, conceived of rape or incest.

Cosmetic birth defiects OK - correctable or not.

Medical - we didn't get into diagnoses we were willing to accapt but we wanted there to be a reasonable expectation that the child could eventually live independantly and that he/she could particape in our family activities without lots of extra considerations, since our baby made 5.

[redhedded]

I will answer Martha. When we began our journey with an agency the first time, we too were asked to complete such an extensive form. We decided that it was not so different than having biological children (for us), so we were open to virtually all situations on a case by case basis except alcohol exposure. We felt equipped to parent a child with a family history of psychological disorders, and a visually/blind or hearing impaired babe. And after two failed matches we traveled to meet our daughter with NO information. First best decision of our lives.

During our wait, we opted not to be presented to one situation (already born) in which there would be continuous surgeries and many follow up surgeries in the coming months. We were living in Vegas and were not really close to a world class medical facility.

When we adopted the second time, that sweet babe melted my heart the moment I arrived. It did not matter to us what obstacles the doctor said he might face, we just wanted to take him home and were so fortunate to do so after a two week NICU stay.

[shy_bear]

We have two adopted girls, 4 and 7, both were infant placements through private agencies. When we were adopting our fist baby we became very close with another couple. They had spend thousands on fertility treatments with no positive outcome. Their daugther was born 2 months after ours. They thought they had the "healthy white newborn" that so many want in the adoption world. As time went on you could tell there was something with this baby, she just wasn't right. At 8 mths. she was diagnosed with severe CP, she had horrible feeding problems, etc. To this day she can not sit on her own, walk,etc. At the time they were given the option to walk away, but they did not. I remember my husband and saying we would have walked away. Now that I am older and know the joy of parenting there is no way I would have walked away. We are now embarking on our third adoption and we are adopting from foster care. After educating myself and knowing what I can handle I feel I we can providea home to a special child. I will say it takes a very big person to know what their limits are and know what they can handle. It is better to go in with your eyes open then have to return a child b/c it is more than you can handle. Our 2nd baby's birthparents had a lot of issues: jail, drug use, never even made it to high school. I had a man in our training tell us he would have never accepted a situation like that; well too bad for him b/c I have a gorgeous healthy smart little girl.

[MMC66]

This could be a whole other thread but shybear. Your post made me think of something.

A pediatrician friend and I had a conversation early in our adoption "journey". He said the mental healthstudies, obviously had followed children of parents with various disorders, generally raised by those parents.

So ....kids raised by parents with mental illness that go on to develop mental illness - is it nature or nurture. The only real conclusive studies would be studies of adopted children raised away from parents with these disorders. So for paparents leary of adopting a baby from a birthparent with a significant mental health history, this is definitely something to consider.

[NaomiNJaysmom]

There is no such thing as a "perfectly healthy baby" no matter what it is a roll of the dice even when you give birth to them yourself. My biological son wore a leg brace for two years because of a birth defect and both DH and I are healthy and I had a normal healthy pregnancy. During our adoption process we did go over our list. The ONLY thing we said no to was sever retardation. The reason being ..... it would be too much for our older children to handle and we did not feel equipped to financially care for a child with such special needs. Other than that we said we would consider alcohol on a case by case basis and everything else we said yes to. Excellent question I know others are wondering also.

Shybear.... we had the same kind of situation! A lot of people said the same thing about DS and I tell you what if I just handed PAparents a pic of him and they has no history they would be lining up to get him. Its funny to me that a lot of the issues people have in domestic adoptions they dont even care about with international. A lot of international adoptions have very little or no history on the bparents at all. One of the sadest things for me was to know that my DS's bparents had very few profiles to chose from because of history and I have a prefectly healthy and happy baby boy! Their loss!

[Faulkner99]

The questionnaire and forms we had to fill out for L.A. County were really comprehensive. They literally asked if you'd be willing to accept a child who wore glasses, or a child who has asthma. I was shocked. We were open to most anything. We even put that we were open to FAS, although in hindsight if we had been presented with an FAS child, I'm not sure we would have been equipped to handle it.

I remember the social worker asking us again and again, "ARE YOU SURE? ARE YOU SURE?" because we put that either gender was acceptable, and any race. She kept saying, "If you put 'any race' you are essentially saying 'African American,' are you ok with that?"

[LisaCA]

we thought about what our lives were like then (both of us working) and decided that we could adopt those with some physical disabilities, but we ruled out those with known mental disabilities. we also let our facilitator know that we wanted to decide on a case by case basis. So we were presented with a child that had possible cerebral palsy but declined. that was a hard one. I was more of a go than dh, but we were concerned about the fact that our house wasn't handicapped friendly (even if we modified it somewhat) and that we had cats. our cats literally get underfoot and you step on them. one hasn't learned even after i've stepped on his abdomen several times and gone to the emerg. hospital with him several times . I've tripped over them and fallen, and I'm supposedly "healthy". it didn't bode well for a child learning to walk with challenges.

we did say no major alcohol exposure, but again case by case. drugs we were open to case by case.

genetic issues (history in family) didn't bother us much. I've seen my genetic heritage and, well, let's just say it's full of amazing things, lol.

I have to say this was the hardest thing to think about because you haven't bonded with the child yet. and now our lives have changed, changing the equation.

and we didn't have much of a problem with the rape, incest issue, just some concerns about how to address it with the child.

[Kelli]

Martha, your "mind" is still as sharp as ever. It's a good question. We checked that we wanted to be matched with AA parents and ONLY after birth and TPR. It was important to us to have at least some birthparent medical history and we were open to some drug exposure, but not alcohol. As working parents we didn't think we would be equipped to handle certain medical conditions on the onset, so we were sort of on the fence with this one and were open on a case by case basis. The manner in which the child was conceived was not important nor were cosmetic birth defects.

Is it fair? I think it matters to whom the question is asked? For example, I think it could be perceived as “unfair” to the expectant parents and the child when PAP’s turn down an infant placement after birth because the child was not what they had hoped for. It could be perceived as being unfair to the infant who waits for a forever home because of racial or medical reasons. I’ve never been one to really lump adoption and pregnancy in the same category by saying “you can’t do it with pregnancy, therefore you shouldn’t be able to do so with adoption.” Even though the wonderful outcome for aparents may be the same, there is no mistaking the different limits and freedoms that come with both processes. Personally, I believe that the adoption process is most fair to the most important one (the child) when they end up with parents that desire THEM, and are able and equipped to love and care for them unconditionally in the manner in which they so deserve. IMO, making sure THAT happens is truly fair all around.



Kelli

[MMC66]

Kelli - WELL SAID!!!!!!!!! :

[Nevada Jen]

We were not open to any disabilities or bad health history of birthparents. This is because we already have a severely disabled daughter and, as Red said, you do not want to be raising a medically fragile child in Vegas. Let alone 2. And the entire reason we were adopting is because we wanted to raise a healthy child. We were very upfront with our agency at the start about this and asked if they really wanted to take us as clients considering this.

I do feel guilty that we were so limited but you know what you can handle and we already handle more with less resources than most people.

Of course we have now found out that disabled DD who just laid there for a year and did nothing was easier to care for than 8 month old DS who is obsessed with toilets, stairs and cat food.

Jen

[traceyk]

We were a CC family and put in for only AA/biracial, no drugs or alcohol but would accept smoking, premature at 34 weeks or later, accept twins or more, unknown b-father, rape, father in jail, no known birth defects. We said no to birth defects because our bio 16 YO has agenesis of the corpus callosum and tourettes and we deal with that already.

Now, our daughter was 1 mo. premature and we just found out she has a congenital heart defect. Would I change a thing knowing that, no way! Keep in mind just because a pbmom puts information down doesn't mean it is correct. Our b-mom said no drug use during preg, yet she said she didn't know she was preg and the reason she had to place was because the state was going to take the baby anyways because she was using crack and had just had her other two children taken away. The doctors feel she used it at least in the first trimester, but nothing showed positive at birth. I think I may have gone a stray on this post, but I am basically saying even though you state what you will accept, you really might find yourself accepting something else. Does that make sense?

[lisa in venice]

Since our first two were foster/adopt we had to think long and hard about what we could deal with and after going over the very long list of disabilities we noticed a pattern in what we yes yes no and maybe to. Where the line was for us was whether or not that child could live a complete and independent life and for the most part that is true of nearly all physical disabilities. We said "maybe" to cognitive disabilities again based on the odds that a child could lead afull and independent life. For instance the odds of a drug impacted child having strugges and challenges but in the end being ok are much better than those of a child with FAS or even FAE. The place where we differed was on a child that might be terminal. Back in the late '80's when we first started adopting,children born withHIV were terminal and that was something I was willing to consider but not dh.

lisa