[LBo]

My husband and I are wanting to adopt a baby. We have a son concieved thru IVF. I have concerns with open adoption, probably just because it is such a new thought to me. My husband was adopted and in those days there was no open adoption. Did anyone have trouble dealing with this decision? I feel very selfish in even having doubts about it?
Thanks for you replies.

LBo

[BrandyHagz]

I moved this to the Adoptive Parents Forum - since your questions are more for Adoptive parents, than Birthparents

[Fran27]

Hello!

Open adoption isn't for everyone, and if you really don't like it there are other possibilities, like international adoption, or semi-open adoptions (you just have to send letters). Just make sure to be clear when you pick an agency about what your wants are, and check for their minimum requirements, all of them don't require you to meet the birthmother.

But if you read on the subject you may change your mind, I did. My agency gave me the book 'the open adoption book' from Bruce M.Rappaport, which explains open adoption really well (although a bit too much on the positive side in my opinion). My best advice is to read on the subject, read about international adoption, make a list of cons and pros for all types and make your decision from that list.

There's no wrong way of adopting a child, you just have to find the right way for your family. Good luck

[tobeafamily]

It's a foreign concept for many, and coming to a decision about which path to parenthood is best for you is a process. There is no one 'best way', just a best way for you.

First, I recommend you discuss your thoughts together on questions like these:

1. How important is it that your child share your ethnic heritage or have a similar racial background?
2. How important is it that your child be a newborn at time of placement?
3. How willing/able are you to travel, with/without notice?
4. How much are you willing/able to spend in fees and expenses?
5. How prepared do you feel parenting a child who may have been exposed to abuse/neglect/institutionalization, known or unknown at time of placement?
6. How comfortable are you sharing your beliefs, values, lifestyle with those whom you don't know well or are strangers?

Open adoption, just like closed adoption, isn't for everyone. It's also not nearly as scary, complicated or confusing as it may seem. A good book on the topic is "The Open Adoption Experience" by Lois Molina. Should be available at your library or bookstore.

Best of luck,

Regina

[Missourimomtobe]

The comments here are very good. Let me add to them by saying that open adoption can mean MANY things. Some people have open adoptions where the bio parents and parents interact daily or weekly or monthly, along with extended families. Others may visit annually. Still others exchange letters and pictures and videos and phone calls (or just letters and pics), but not visits. It all depends upon the bio parents and you - the relationship is one that you will build with them prior to the placement.

A good social worker (have you had a home study done yet?) will help guide you through this decision so that you understand exactly what you are comfortable with before your information is ever shown to a birthparent. Having said that, keeping an open mind is helpful during this process. You may determine that you want limited contact but once you develop a relationship with the bio parents, you may discover a friendship develops.

Open adoptions should always be handled with the best interests of the child involved, period. Some situations mean that the child is better off with no contact with bio parents, others may benefit greatly from it. There is no right or wrong answer.

Peace

[McNally720]

I don't have much to add in way of advice--the previous posts cover it all, I think. But I did want to say that we were on the fence about open adoption--we said we "would consider" it on our application. Well, wouldn't you know that the birthparents said the same thing?!?! So we met, clicked, and for us, open means we email frequently, they have access to a pictures website and we visit a few times a year.

I think it's a very personal decision, and just because you aren't comfortable with it doesn't mean you won't be able to adopt--you just have to find a birthfamily with similiar ideas on how they would like the relationship to work.

[ourdreamcametru]

First of all, welcome to the board, you're gonna love it!
My husband and I both had a problem with open adoption to begin with, mainly because we were uneducated on the subject. We even told our birthmother on our first meeting that we would not be open to visits, only letters and pictures. Once our daughter was born and the adoption was final we decided that once a year we would like to visit with E and her family This decision took us a full year and the day after our daughters first birthday we meet for lunch! It was the most natural and relaxed thing. We would love to see them more often now but E says once a year for now. My advice is ask questions her and read read read! I think once you are there you will see the benefits more than you do now. Good luck!
Kelley