[sugarbabysmommy]

A relative of mine, "she who shall not be named" (aka my MIL) has said this or a varriation of it since babe was born. It bugs me, intensely. She means well in general, even if she bugs me to no end, but she can be clueless. Because of how intensely she can bug me my tone isn't always so "gentle" when talking to her, so I didn't want to make an issue of her saying it, hoping it was just a baby thing she says, hoping it would stop when babe became a toddler.

Well, sure enough last week she said, while holding babe after babe had done something funny, "What are we going to do with you, huh? I think we'll keep you." My blood pressure rose instantly, I began to interject, I'd had enough, then suddenly my FIL came in and her attention was gone.

How can she not hear what she's saying? How can she not get the double meaning of her remark? Am I off here, over sensitive? Any adoptees want to chime in?

[heartened]

My mother-in-law and stepfather-in-law say to each other, "I think I'll keep you for another week" when they are particularly pleased with something the other has done. They've said this for as long as I've known them. Before I knew it, my husband and I were saying it to each other too. We have the same kind of great, loving marriage that they do, so we all know it is an expression of love when it is said.

So no, it wouldn't bother "this" adoptee.

However, I can fully see where it might make another adoptee uncomfortable. Maybe it depends on whether or not the child feels secure in their family. Are there any reasons why the child would feel insecure in their position within the family? Probably not - so - it is unlikely something like this is going to be much of an issue, at least in my opinion.

I guess considering my abandonment/attachment/rejection issues, this "should" bother me, but for some reason it doesn't. Maybe because I'm secure in my relationship with my husband and have never been given a reason not to be. I know he loves me and that is just another way of showing it. I suspect the same is true for your daughter. She knows she is loved and wanted by the person saying it.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Thank you Your point is well taken. Babe is definitely adored by my MIL, a little too much for my taste some days. And yes, I can hear the chorus now, children can never have too much love, agreed, but babe doesn't need a co-mommy. OK, side rant, sorry, back to the topic at hand...

[ajjhmf]

My own mom says stuff like that. It used to bug me tons when she would say it to J. But then H was born (our bio) and she says it to her as well. It's just something she says to all her grandchildren.

I think sometimes as adoptive parents we can be almost too sensitive to things people say. I know I'm guilty of it. It's hard to fnd that balance and rust sometimes. Of course, some MILs are just evil and there is no excusing what they say. LOL.

[BrandyHagz]

I say stuff like that to DH and my bio-son - I'm also an adoptee and my smom has said it to me off and on for 17 years and it's never bothered me.

I wouldn't worry about it sbm, not if she is saying it out of love

[echaos]

Another adoptee and adoptive Mom chiming in....

I say it all the time to my son! I also have a lot of friends with bio kids who use this saying a lot too. For us it's a term of endearment.

However, I would NEVER use it with a child who had gone through the foster system, or who had any type of attachment issues, because then the double meaning could be hurtful.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I personally hate it. When Nicholas was born, my paternal grandmother said, twice, jokingly, "So, are ya gonna keep him?" Now, once I could have understood as a slip. The second time I wanted to hang up the phone.

I am over-sensitive about it, which I admit. I still don't like it, personally, in our home. I'm sure it works in others.

[ingodshands]

I think said to a foster child or former foster child it could be damaging, I know from my own experience in foster care it would have a double meaning!

Collette

[echaos]

Jenna,

{{{HUGS}}} It's definetely not something that should be used with a child that a birthmother is parenting. The double meaning is 1000 times worse there!

[redhedded]

sugar, There will always be a myriad of views on such issues. (I am still trying to process the China thread that some people thought the term "china doll" was acceptable or endearing. My dh, who is Thai, not Chinese or a woman, finds it extremely offensive.)

Maybe it is not the phrase so much as it is something annoying she does that you can really put your finger on. No matter what others think, if it really bothers you, I imagine that it will continue to do so. Next time she says it (if she does), you might, sweet as honey, say, 'you know we'd rather not use the term "keeper" in reference to any babe.'

I can see how it would be quite benign said in fun and lightly but also how someone, with a different experience or your babe, at a later time, might think it hurtful.

[Sleeplvr]

DH and I use "I'll keep you around for a little longer" on a regular basis. We never use it for our kids. We just don't want to put it out there that them being with us is optional or a whim. When we first took our DD to the pediatrician for an exam she said DD is a keeper. Our pediatrician is an adoptive parent and foster mom so I know she said it out of love. She has never said it again. It was just her way of saying we have a really healthy baby girl. But then she also say's that we've been giving DD lots of good love which means she's put on a lot of weight.

Red
I'm with you on the China Doll thing. I find it highly offensive. I have never heard an Asian person refer to another as a China Doll.

[Lovebug]

I say it to DH and DS, too...even to my own Mom like if she cooks a good meal or whatever. IMO, it isn't offensive to us as a family, kwim?? But everyone has a different perception and what bothers someone may not bother the other. Can you say to MIL.."ya, know, when you say that, it bothers me...." Will she be receptive to that?? I am fortunate that I can say these things to my IL's or my folks and for the most part they are respectful of my feelings so they curb their language. But again, not everyone is the same.

Jenna - I also think this is not appropriate at all to have been said to you and I am sorry you were hurt.

--Renee

[ourdreamcametru]

I totally understand where you are coming from. My MIL, who I have a less than perfect relationship with, used to tell my oldest son "your bad" all the time. I know she never meant it the way it sounded because she worships him and she would say it when he did something cute but it still just crawled all over me!

[AdrienneG]

I dont have issues with that expression. Ive heard it used for babies after they are born.

I think there are things in the world we should be offended by like children being hurt and killed. A few days ago there was a local report in my news that this adoptive mother made her children sleep in the pantry and abused them.

If the expression is offensive to me, I would speak up about it and say I'd rather you not say that to my child and move on.

I was in the hospital with my baby when an interpreter who was there kept referring to his biological mother as his real mother and I smiled and said "You mean his biological mother" and I kept saying it until she stopped...but I didnt get all upset because I was more concerned about the health of my baby.

[alwaysus]

I tell Elijah that he is "too big to throw back" My husband tells me that he will keep me for another 19 years. I for one think it's cute... BUT! If it makes you feel uncomfortable, then you can't help that. Your feelings are exactly that~ Your feelings. They aren't right or wrong. If you don't like it, then it shouldn't be said~ Period.
Good luck