[Lorraine123]

I think said to a foster child or former foster child it could be damaging,

I disagree. We often tell our daughter she is a "keeper". She came from foster care and joined our family at age 6. We reinforce that she isn't going anywhere. Sometimes we will say "what are we going to do with you??? Love you and keep you forever." I don't think its offensive. I think its lets her know that she is here forever. If she gets in trouble for something sometimes we say, "so what should we do about that?" She answers "love me and keep me forever because I'm a keeper!"

[blessedbybug]

It wouldn't bother me because DH and I have a running joke about "keeping each other around". It started when we were apart for almost 3 months of our engagement and had to get used to each other again... long story...

OTOH, I can see why it would bug you. The implication is that "if you're good you can stay". There are phrases similar to this that bug me too, esp when they come from MIL's mouth!!! I guess my only advice would be to think ahead and speak gently... do it out of the situation, and let her know you don't think she has ill-intent. Cup of tea??? That is how MIL and I solve problems (and we have tea often, lol!)

[joskimo]

I agree that these statements can be okay, but I think at the point where you have to question the recipients feelins for it, then you answer your own question. If you think it might be perceived poorly, then to head your feelings.

Now one of our favorites was to ask my older daughter (when she was little) who's my favorite daughter? who's your favorite mommy? Well she's bio, no other mom's in the picture, but I've definitely left this tradition behind so as to not ever pose that to the baby!

[LisaCA]

I agree with Joskimo, trust your gut. if it feels weird to you, then trust your gut.

communication is a two way street and if there's any chance that it can hurt your child's feelings, then why risk it? kids are all different .

we don't read Horton hatches an Egg to dd-why? because it may be received in the wrong way. she may be fine with it, but I don't want to risk it.

if you think about it, there were probably things that your parents said and meant in a loving way that rubbed you the wrong way. here's a chance to stop one thing that may be interpreted incorrectly, by this child or by others. jmho/

[sugarbabysmommy]

Good golly, thanks everyone. After reading everyone's thoughts I am try to reflect more deeply on why it bothers me. One reason may simply be I think she'd love to keep babe, all to herself! Plus, I am not sure I've ever heard her say it to her biological grandchild. Granted though, I'm not around the two of them as much when they are together, so it's possible she does say it and I don't hear it.

This is not the end of the world, to be true. On the spectrum of behavior this is on the annoying but not horrible end. I just wanted to toss it out there to an "adoption community" for some perspective.

Another aspect of it for me is the hold over from comments made when babe was born, or during the first year. Over and over people remarked, "Oh my, I had no idea babe would be so beautiful," or, "Boy did you ever get lucky." While people want to say something positive, the subtext of these comments was always, "why didn't she keep such a pretty baby?"

I really want to thank you guys. I think if I do say anything, it will be to ask that she use it equally among the grandkids, and that she refrain from using it when she meets babe's birth mother's new baby. An ironic side note, a while back babe's birth mother bought a t-shirt for babe while on a trip with a fish on it that said, you guessed it, "You're a keeper."

[sugarbabysmommy]

Jenna, shame on your grandmother. That was an unfortunately thing to say once, but down right mean to say a second time.

[chrisandaaron]

Originally Posted by sugarbabysmommy

... An ironic side note, a while back babe's birth mother bought a t-shirt for babe while on a trip with a fish on it that said, you guessed it, "You're a keeper."

My dad bought my ds that same shirt for Christmas. I think it is a popular phrase right now because I saw several of those shirts this year. I even saw them in adult sizes. So, maybe you should just buy you MIL one of those shirts and see if she likes wearing that phrase around on her chest! LOL

[sugarbabysmommy]

OOh, very funny idea! There are some days I'm sure she wonders about me, if had my choice would I keep her... Well, yeah, even though she's a pill, I'd keep her. Goodness, she could be Lisa's MIL

[blessedbybug]

sugarbaby's mama... I think you're on to something here... for me too, I know that I was very sensitive to comments people made the first year or so, even observations like "oh, she looks like you" (she actually does btw...) because to me it felt like they were trying "right" what I perceived that they thought (see how complicated it got, lol?) was a second rate experience. Meaning, I thought they were saying, "well, since you were forced, based on your inability to bear a child, to do adoption, at least she looks sorta like you..."

Gosh, when I look back I realize how very sensitive I was to the fact that I didn't want anyone to perceive my experience as "less" than theirs because someone else was blessed to give birth to her. It was my experience of bringing her into our family and I didn't want others to see it differently. But they do... some understand now, some don't, but I sure have learned that with time, it was me who was "hearing" a judgement that wasn't really there. In fact, they were trying to find a way to relate and open up a conversation about our unique experience...they were trying to find common ground.

Oh I don't know if this post matters or makes sense but I know that I have analyzed every thing everyone said and caused some rifts where people were just trying to make a bridge. OTOH (and there always is one!) I like another poster do not want to open doors of misunderstanding where my child is concerned. In other words, erring on the side of caution is also good.

Too complicated... probably...that's life right now I guess...

[NJNative]

"Gosh, when I look back I realize how very sensitive I was to the fact that I didn't want anyone to perceive my experience as "less" than theirs because someone else was blessed to give birth to her."


That's such an alien concept to me. In fact, my experience was that my adopting was somehow MORE exciting (maybe that's because I have 43 cousins who have over 100 kids -- so new bio babies ain't nothin' new...LOL). It seemed that everyone was so excited for us...we had three showers after our son came home, got gifts every day for weeks. I used to make jokes that it was like Prince William had arrived or the circus moved into my house or something...

The level of excitement might have also been because of the suddenness of things...we had only just begun the process of adoption when we heard about our son and we completed the entire adoption from the first news of him to the custody hearing in just 40 days. It was a whirlwind!

And he will never be second best to my mom -- he's always been her favorite grandchild (though she swears up and down she hasn't got a favorite!)

Robin

[blessedbybug]

Robin, that's exactly my point. This was THE best thing that ever happened to me, Bug finding us, the absolute best. I wouldn't have had it any other way, honestly. But in my mind, it felt like (and again this was my perception) that others were saying "ah, at least she looks like you" as if it wasn't THE best. I didn't want them to be anything less than excited for us, but some people and how they reacted made it feel like we got the consolation prize. I hated that because I KNEW that was not true AT ALL, and I hated the fact that they made me feel that way. But they did and it took time and distance to see how wrong that was. She's not second best, she is amazingly a miracle to me, more than I could have ever imagined her to be.

I don't know if this makes sense...it was how people made me feel until I was able to express the joy I felt over our whole experience of bringing Bug into our family. I wanted them to feel that joy unabashedly and some of them just couldn't...

43 cousins???? Goodness gracious... I have 19 nieces and nephews and I thought that was alot to keep track of! You are right... in the end, as I reflect, in most ways we were made to feel special, lots of gifts and visitors... it's amazing how a few people's comments (and my perceptions of those comments) could change some of that...sigh... oh well, you live and learn, huh?