[srusse24]

Is it normal to worry about connecting with your adopted child? DH and I were discussing this today. I feel it will come naturally for me because I have wanted to be a mother for so long. DH says he believes it comes naturally when you have a biological child, but worries how to connect with an adopted baby. (I know though that some biological mothers have difficulty connecting with their children.)


We will be attending support classes as part of our preparation to adopt. I assume this will be addressed there.

[tobeafamily]

It's perfectly normal to be concerned about this. It's also normal for attachment to take time- it's a process, not a moment.

For us, in the beginning I swear both DH and I kept thinking "OK this was fun now his parents will come get him....oh yeah" Ryan had some digestion issues, meaning our first weeks were a nightmare (thank God for Nutramigen is all I can say about that). Three weeks after he came I told our SW "There's a reason I can't give birth because I'm not cut out for this!" (she laughed BTW).

We were lucky - our ped is an adad also (didn't know that when we selected him). He was very supportive, even insisting that he would not respond to me until I called myself "MOM". We followed Dr. Sears' attachment parenting, 'wore' him in a sling (we all loved that), held him constantly. I knew I was sunk when he got his first shots and had his first real tears. I nearly decked the nurse for making MY baby cry.

So yes, it's normal to be concerned. Read up on attachment parenting, that helps. It's a process though, and not exclusive to children raised by their biological parents.

HTH

Regina

[Kimmisue]

I was concerned about this too, secretly, I wouldn't admit it to anyone. I am a teacher and I knew I could love an adopted baby because I love 25 kids every year. But I didn't know if I would really have that mother bonded connection. But, I will say the moment, and yes for me it was a moment, the moment I laid eyes on him, I was in love. We were in the delivery room and I even got to cut the cord, so I think that might have helped. We got to know the bmom in the months prior to delivery and I think that helped as well. DH and I still say (and ds is almost 4 years old now) that we never imagined we could love someone so much. It is undescribable. I've had friends have biological children and have had trouble bonding. So, I think it depends on the people involved and the situation.


Good luck to you on your journey.
Kim

[NJNative]

I thought about this issue, too, because we were adopting a 10-month-old baby. But it happened very quickly. Over the next few days after the day we took custody, he and I would spend the early morning bottle time together and that's when we bonded. Within days, his face would just light up whenever I came into view...how can you NOT fall in love with that?

[LisaCA]

I think attachment and bonding can be a bit more difficult with an older child. With a newborn it was rather quick for me. I had a day alone with dd while we waited for her bmom to sign the papers. During that less than 24 hours I did tell myself I was babysitting and that was it. The minute i got the call then I let myself bond with her. To be honest I suspect i probably already had, but the mind tells the heart things to get by .

that little innocent baby depends on you and that's what makes them easier to bond with, imho. the toddler, that fully formed beast that terrorizes our house, much harder to bond with instantly, lol. Just this morning dd managed to set my washer to sanitize, the extra hot cycle, so my delicates that were washed overnite were boiled for 10 minutes before i noticed it . Then she ran to my phone book and made it pretty by coloring in it with a pink pen and a pencil. All that in about 20 minutes. I can totally see how it would be harder to bond with this little person .

btw, I think it took longer for dh to bond, probably a couple of days. mostly because he just felt like he didn't know what he was doing, and that gets in the way of bonding. One of the best things I think we did was to let him carry dd in a sling all the time, plus the first night he met her, I'd been with her for 72 hrs alone, so when he flew in I gave him a 5 minute briefing and went to bed. he had to sink or swim, and was quite proud that he managed just fine-only had to wake me up once, lol.

I think the biggest determination is the parental mindset-do you feel entitled to parent and be this child's mom/dad? you can't bond if you don't. Allow your dh some time with the child too. Leave them for a couple of hours, make him wear the baby bjorn while out (he'll realize that babies are a major chick magnet and like my dh will be thrilled to wear dd, lol). he'll quickly bond if he hasn't already . He just needs to feel entitled.

good luck and enjoy your classes-my dh found them very informative since he didn't do all the reading I had.

Lisa

[ourdreamcametru]

I can say from experience that you will love an adopted child. We have two biological boys and the moment our daughter was placed in our arms was no different than when the boys were. There is still that unbelivable feeling of being given such a wonderful amazing gift no matter how your child finds its way to you. I think it is normal to wonder when you are expecting a baby rather it through adoption or giving birth if you will love and be able to support this child. I remember wondering if I could love our second son as much as I did our first but once he was born I never thought about it again.
Relax and enjoy!

Kelley

[srusse24]

Thanks ladies! I am not so worried about me bonging with the baby, but rather DH. I just don't think it comes as naturally for most men.

[sugarbabysmommy]

I have to disagree with a portion of your post Lisa. You said, "I think the biggest determination is the parental mindset-do you feel entitled to parent and be this child's mom/dad? you can't bond if you don't. " I felt very attached to my child, but not fully entitled to be my child's mother- and that feeling lingered for a year. I had a lot of guilt associated with my child's placement and it interferred with my sense of entitlement, however I adore my babe and am very attached, as babe is to me.

I relate to Regina's post a great deal and even said the same words to my counselor, that I'm not cut out for this. My counselor assured me a day would come that I would know in my bones I was this child's mom, and she was right.

We waited weeks for relinquishments, not a day or two, but nearly two months all the while my child's birthmother was sharing her grief with me. There was no way to spend those two months feeling like only the care giver or baby sitter, with those little eyes looking up at me, that warm little squirmy body, the little grunts and snorts with a bottle and my heart was sunk. We were attached. One day the emotion of it all became too much for me, I told my husband to call the agency and say I was done! If she wasn't going to sign she needed to come pick up the baby right then, my heart was breaking, we are attaching and there as no turning it off. He rushed home from work, calmed me down, and never made that call.

My darling hubby was smitten and attached from the get go. He was clueless about baby stuff, had never spent time with kids, had me critizing him at every turn, but he is the best dad ever. He turned to jello from the moment he held babe.

The big thing with a guy is, let him have the time. We women tend to monopolize babies and guys have a hard time getting any time alone. WE can end up sabatoging their efforts. And, some guys are all too happy to let us monopolize the baby. So commit to yourself that you will LEAVE the house, not just go into another room- because trust me you will be out of the room at the first peep from the baby- go outside, to the store, whatever, just go. He needs time alone to get to know the baby, to learn what baby needs and baby needs to learn about him, to rely in him too.

I also feared about attachment, and I can say that soon after my child was born I learned not to take our attachment for granted. I did parent differently than I might have if babe were born to me.

[AdrienneG]

Let me share this with you... my baby bonded with me and I with him as if we were connected by an umbliical cord for 9 months. He smiles at me in the morning and coos and tries to talk back. I don't feel any differently because he is soon to be adopted by me. I feel like a mother.

[blessedbybug]

It's very normal to be concerned about this. All I can say is that it will happen sooner or later, but don't be too hard on yourself. I wanted to be a Mom since I can remember and yet, I really struggled in the beginning, until the revocation period was over, to bond. I felt like a really involved babysitter. The first time I really realized how bonded we were was when she got her 2 month needle and I cried right along with her. I have to say that, although she was in pain, it felt good to know I had those feelings for her. It's been amazing every since how close we are.

DH OTOH, who was equivocal even a little fearful in the beginning at becoming a Dad after all this time, was bonded to her from the minute he saw her come into the world. They are amazing together as well.

It will happen...

[billysmommy]

My husband had the same fears, though his fears were based on the fact that he already had a biological child and was afraid the love would be "different". After we adopted our son - who incidentally he IMMEDIATELY fell head over heels in love with - we talked at length about it. One of the things that he pointed out was that he felt somewhat detached/uninvolved in the adoption process. It was me who dealt with the attorney (and SW and paperwork...), me who mostly spoke to first mom, and me who was present at our son's birth. I thought it was interesting .......and with our second adoption I kind of stepped back and let him do the work.

[NJNative]

has both our adopted son and two biological children who are grown now. If anything, he's TOO attached to our son, The Prince. I once said to him when my son was small, "You spoil that boy!" His response? "So?" What can you do?

Nothing has ever been too good for the kid. Tennis lessons? Private school? Karate? Drive him here, take him there. Teach him to fix stuff. The most he can stand to do if the kid misbehaves is to take him out for a talk. He never even raises his voice. The other two kids want to know whose dad THAT guy is...LOL.

[mom2justynsarah]

I am a proud mommy to my two beautiful children. I have a 7 year old son, and a 13 month old daughter.

One of them is adopted. But don't ask me who. I can't remember. There is absolutely no diference in the bond/connection/attachment/love I feel for either of them.

Being that I have experienced both sides of the coin, I can honestly say it's all about the bond created by love & care.

So in answer to your question, YES you WILL feel that connection. Soon enough you will see a special relationship form between you and YOUR baby.