[Guspiv]

Ok I am not one to ever feel weird about telling people that we adopted Gavin. When I am talking with other parents who I meet in the grocery store and we share stories and we end up on the "how was your pregnacy question, I never have a problem saying "Oh we adopted Gavin." or when I run into people I havent seen in a while I never bite my tongue or feel weird at all. But for some strange reason I have been really avoiding it at my new job! I have been working here almost 3 months and I havent told anyone. I have been totally avoiding it. One of my co workers is pregnant i have been praying that she does not ask me about my pregnancy
When we adopted Gavin I had been working for my job for 5 years then over the summer I worked for a different organization for 4 months. AT the org worked at over the summer I told my boss the 1st day! I don't know why. Maybe I just don't feel as comfortable with these people, I dont know.

I know it is not really anyone's business it just feels weird and dishonest or something. I don't know. Just wanted to vent.

[AdrienneG]

Is it the fact that he's adopted that makes you uncomfortable, or would you have felt this way if he was your biological child...that questions abougt pregnancy, where he came from were too intrusive?

When I was at the hospital where Jonathan was born, I was in the nursery with him, and a nurse (who didnt know about his upcoming adoption) asked me if I was breastfeeding.

And I was caught off guard, so I said "No because I am unable to" (which was true) and later on Jonathan's birth mother came to the nursery to see him, and the same nurse realized after talking to her that the baby was her biological child and a child that I am adopting and apologized profusely.

I think that people forget adoption exists when they ask questions about pregnancy or anything biologically related when it comes to our babies

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I agree, people just ASSUME that you gave birth to you child and then ask VERY intrusive questions. My boys are 2 1/2 months apart, and we are constantly asked if we have twins. Often I just say yes and go about my way. I have often said no and said they are 2 1/2 months apart. Then the questions start...do they have the same mom...oh, I guess that is impossible. Pretty soon they are looking, feeling, and sounding pretty stupid with their assumtions.

Just the same, I have been asked if I breast fed them both at once. I have been asked about morning sickness, was it easy to give birth to twins, etc. I really don't know which is more invasive. When it is a total stranger, I usually just conceed with the twin thing. BUT, I am also very proud of adopting my son...and soon the other!

I guess it is because I might not be able to HAVE children myself, and it really does take a strong person to get thru all the red tape of adoption. I am proud that I did that. Not in the "saint hood" stygmatism that people so often try to tag us with, but proud that I didn't let infertility squelsh my dream of being a mommy!

[McNally720]

Funny, I was just thinking all of the things that people assume about parents and children when they are seen together. Megan has red hair--as does my husband. Honestly, I never thought red hair was a big deal, but 9 out of the 10 comments we get about our cute baby is directed to her hair, who she gets it from, etc. Sometimes I mention adoption, sometimes I don't.

I have a feeling though that Megan will have to figure out for herself how she wants to handle the question as she gets older--the red hair is such a focal point!

Anyway, sometimes I introduce the fact that Meg's adopted by saying something about her birthfamily--most people are astute enough to understand that term.

I try not to let it bug me---I know how I present adoption to others is how Megan will absorb our perceptions of it-but it's weird how often biology and pregnancy come up in everyday conversation!

Back to the original post--when the time is right, you'll find the words to let your new coworkers know how you formed your family! Good Luck!

[joskimo]

I don't feel the need to tell everyone either, I don't think I"m hiding anything, and trust me, when you see us together, you're pretty sure she's adopted But it's personal andn especially ina new job, I started my new job when H was 4 mo. old, but I knew one of my coworkers from a previous life, so told her, and then it was out there. You have to admit, most aspects of parenting have little to do with the fact that your child is adopted, so I think it's fine not to always hang up the flag.

Plus I think for us I don't want adoption to define me, or define my daughter, it's an aspect of our family, but neither adoption nor race define us.

[lmrod55]

I have only changed companies once since dd was born, and at first I didn't say anything about her being adopted. Actually, I remember in the interview my manager had asked something and I was like "oh, we adopted dd at birth" - so he did know. Then, we do get pregnant and all the questions about our "first" pregnancy started coming...so I opened up to those that asked and started telling people she was adopted.

I think it is hard when you start a new job, you don't know those people, so you don't know how they are going to respond. I think that when the right conversation presents itself you will feel comfortable to say Gavin was adopted.

[ChristiBender]

Hi... I just came across this thread and I hope you don't mind an adoptee opinion.

I love how all of you are obviously such caring and honest mothers....

I love how you don't think there is anything wrong with adoption (or race).

I notice when I read your words though.... I hear (and maybe this is just that.. ME hearing and not you saying) a little bit of discomfort.. or shame... or something. I notice there is not a sense of total acceptance... or pride about how your family was formed.

As an adoptee I have dealt with those tiny twinges of underlying "secrets" all my life. The "its family business..." or "its none of their business". Yes, birth/adoption are both private issues.. but they are also NORMAL PARTS OF LIFE!!!! Thankfully all of us were born! LOL

I never was really aware of how much the shame was present in me though until as an adult I had to confront it when I decided to search for my birthparents. I walked into a Barnes and Noble store and asked what section the books on adoption searches would be in. The woman asked if I was searching for a baby. I told her I was the baby... and I was searching for my birthparents. The absolute look of horror on her face made my stomach flip and almost sent me running from the store. Instead I put my tail between my legs like a scolded puppy and crawled off to a corner to search for the books myself.

Why does it have to be a secret... and where is the shame in simply loving a child and wanting a family? I really do want to understand this.... maybe you can help me.

[Leigh131313]

Hi Christi

I can answer your question from MY perspective only...everyone will have their own reasons, but this is mine.

The reason I dont always announce my sons adoption, is simply because I do not feel like answering a ton of questions...and believe me, there are ALWAYS questions.

I remember when he was brand new, I was sending some forms to the adoption agency and the postal lady asked me "He isnt adopted, is he?" and I said, with a HUGE smile on my face, Yes he is. To which her reply was, "but he's so cute!"

Somedays you just dont feel like dealing with questions and comments from complete strangers.

And I agree with the previous poster that stated, you just dont always need to be waving the flag. I would be EQUALLY uncomfortable talking about giving birth/breastfeeding/trying to conceive etc.

Hope that helps answer your question a little.

Leigh

[joskimo]

Originally Posted by ChristiBender

I notice when I read your words though.... I hear (and maybe this is just that.. ME hearing and not you saying) a little bit of discomfort.. or shame... or something. I notice there is not a sense of total acceptance... or pride about how your family was formed.

Speaking only for my own family, I'm pretty proud of our adoption, what my post was trying to relfect is that sometimes you don't feel like you want to open the door to your life to everyone you meet. I answer a lot of questions about adoption in general and our adoption in particular. AS well my husband is adopted and I was adopted by my dad at 3, so adoption permeates our lives, but I don't think it's neccisary to tell everyone all the time. Surely you've felt the same way, once you tell someone you're adopted then you have to field a lot of questions, sometimes you're in the mood for it, sometimes not right? formyself, that's what I was trying to convey, but if there's any doubt to my acceptance or my pride, well I'll shout it from the rooftops because adoption created my family!

[lmrod55]

I just don't feel that EVERY person I come into contact with needs to know that dd was adopted. My dh and I have no shame in how our family was created nor have any discomfort in discussing adoption.

I'm a person who likes to keep work and personal life separate...so in general most people that I work with don't get to know that much about me, and thus wouldn't know that much about dd (including that she was adopted).

-ld

[irish11970]

Thankfully I have not been asked about my pregnancy by anyone yet. Although a pregnant woman once said to me that I looked great for just giving birth 3 months ago. She wanted to know my secret for losing the baby weight. In that situation I did tell her Delaney was adopted. What I get more often from strangers are the typical "oh she is so cute and we have Mommy's eyes, hair, cheeks, etc"
When a woman at Target said " Oh we have Mommy's eyes don't we?" I simply said " Yes we do!"
She does. And I left it at that. To strangers, I really don't feel the need to tell them my private life.
Jenn

[jillned]

Our son is AA and we are CC so hopefully most people will catch on. When he was a tiny baby he had the appearance of possibly being biracial. ANyway, I remember one time he and I were at the local toy store and he was maybe 3 or 4 months old. I was at the check out and began having a conversation with the 2 teenage employees. The were cooing over him talking about how cute he was and so forth. The was the first time without being asked, that I said that we had adopted him. These girls thought it was so "cool" and stated that they might want to adopt someday. Now fast forward to about a month ago, we're in line at the post office, DS has definitley gained some personality as he has gotten older. There's a lady behind us maybe in her mid fifties or so. SHe's talking to him, he's talking to her(in his own 1 year old way) and she says, what pretty eyes, where'd you get those eyes? I just continued smiling and didn't even respond. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you know when you feel comfortable talking and when you don't. I also try to keep in mind that this is my sons history and maybe when he gets older he won't want to always talk about it.

[qs mom]

I understand you completely. When my son and I became a family, I was so overwhelmed with emotions - love for my son, excitement at being a family, etc. I told just about EVERYONE who would listen that my son was adopted and all the info that went with it - how long it cost, travel, paperwork, yada, yada.

But now, 2 years later, I never mention it. Unless someone brings up something where I would discuss it.

At my new job, they were talking about pregnancy, wait gain, labor, delivery. I told them that I gained 60 lbs, took 4 days to deliver and my son was 24 lbs. They just kept going on with their stories. Suddenly, one of them stopped, looked at me and said '24 lbs?" That is how they found out my son was adopted!

So maybe you're just feeling totally comfortable with your adoption, and it's just part of your life. No need to announce it anymore.

I'm in a place with our family now that, it's just us, that's how we became a family and I don't really think about it anymore. It isn't the 'focal' point anymore.

[Bassette]

Perhaps you are afraid that when they discover your son is adopted they may make some of those stupid, hurtful remarks about adoption? I think I am actually more comfortable offering that Kiran is adopted with strangers, although in my case it is obvious. HaHaHa. With a stranger I am not so disappointed if they say something stupid because I will probably never see the peep again. However, with a co-worker it may be difficult to be friendly with them if they said something hurtful.

I don't think you are being dishonest at all in not telling them. It's a new job and Gavin's adoption is a private matter. There will be opportunities and seques when you are ready to share!

[niandca]

We've had our dd for all of her life. She has always looked enough like me that no one ever asks. I have found rhat once the kiddoes get passed a certain age, nobody asks about pregnacy, breastfeeding, teething or potty issues any more.

Dd's school staff knows all about everything if they choose to look in her records simply because she went to public preschool and with the adoption/name change not final, all permission for everything had to come from the State.

As a rule, we hardly think about it. We never tell anyone anymore--anyone that needs to know, already does. I admit that it is easier because nobody asks. DD does not want to talk about it at all yet. (we try) It's her story, let her tell it if & when she wants to; I sure wouldn't like anyone blabbing out my personal info to the world. JMO

The only time we ever got any kind of comment was when my tall dark Italian dh had dd with him alone & ran into a co worker, who asked him how the heck he got a blonde daughter. DH replied that she looks like her mother....she does (wink).

Oddly, when they are with me, it is my bson that people would assume is adopted...he looks nothing like me!