[AdrienneG]

This is the name of the book that a friend of mine mailed to me. The book is lovely, and supportive of adoption, but I changed some key things in the book to better reflect my intentions and how I think and feel.

The book repeats the phrase "I chose you" and presents different reasons why that is.

However some of the stuff seemed to me to be too focused on the adoptive parents' needs instead of the adopted child's needs.... so I got an ink pen and changed it.

Some things I changed:

"I chose you to help me fullfill my potential"
was changed to "I chose you to help you fullfill your potential"

"I chose you to help me experience all that life has to offer" was changed to "I chose you to experience with me all that life has to offer".

"I chose you to bring happiness to the empty places in my heart" was changed to "I chose you to share your happiness with the empty places in my heart".

"I chose you because I needed you to become whole" was changed to "I chose you because I wanted to teach you of your wholeness".

"I chose you because I wanted to receive the love ou had to give" was changed to "I chose you because I wanted to receive the love you had to give and share with you the love that you needed to receive from me."

Netherless, 95% of the book is very cool...it has simple phrases that repeat that can be read to a baby, a toddler, or an older child.

I'd still recommend it, and if you dont like a phrase, you can change it with an ink pen to something that suits you and your family .

[redhedded]

"I chose you because I needed you to become whole"

Adrienne, You made some awesome changes. The above statement, honesty, creeps me out kinda. I love what you chose to say instead. Great job!

[Kelli]

Adrienne, I think I saw that same book in Target over the Christmas holiday and felt the same way you did about some of the over representation of the parent's "needs." I also noticed (if it's the same book ) that it's full of wonderful family pictures but yet none of them depicted AA adoptive families. Maybe I missed them while skimming?? I did notice families with Asian children. I still think it would be a nice book to add to my collection and I think the overall sentiment and message was very positive.

Kelli

[AdrienneG]

Originally Posted by Kelli

Adrienne, I think I saw that same book in Target over the Christmas holiday and felt the same way you did about some of the over representation of the parent's "needs." I also noticed (if it's the same book ) that it's full of wonderful family pictures but yet none of them depicted AA adoptive families. Maybe I missed them while skimming?? I did notice families with Asian children. I still think it would be a nice book to add to my collection and I think the overall sentiment and message was very positive.

Kelli

I just looked through every single page of this book after a midnight feeding..you know you are right... there is just one AA family depicted...and 6 CC families that adopted at least one AA child depicted.

The book does show a lot of interracial families yet just one AA family and certainly more than one CC family whether the children adopted are CC or AA or Asian or a combination of either.

This reminds me of how the AA families I know who adopted who are open about having adopted their children are either college educated married couples or single mothers. Would be nice to have more than one AA married couple and a few single mothers in the book...but thats what you get when diversity is attempted to be demonstrated...some demographics are going to be left out....

[rtsmom]

Originally Posted by AdrienneG

Would be nice to have more than one AA married couple and a few single mothers in the book...

And don't forget gay/lesbian parents and single fathers.

Janet

[Howdy]

I do like some of your changes, but the overall impression the changes give me is that you are a saint and the child is a bit pathetic and needed to be saved by you.

For example, if I had a friend who told me I helped her achieve her own potential I would feel kind of cool about myself that I am so great I can help others, but if my friend told me they chose to be my friend to help me achieve my potential, I'd feel scared that I must not be able to achieve my potential on my own.

When I read through your changes as if it is a friend saying them to me, I prefer the original versions.

Also, I read that it is important that parents model taking care of their needs, so the child learns to put themself first rather than grow up to be the kind of walk-on-me person who does whatever their friends and spouse want them to do. The impression the child might get from all the changes is that they should have children because children need them, not because they themself want to have children.

I try modeling that for my dd (adopted a few months ago, and she is a very controlling child, but with low self-esteem) and I'm hoping it really will help her learn that each person has to take care of their own needs, because she is parentified and thinks she has to take care of parents.

If you are reading the book to a baby/toddler I don't suppose the wording one way or the other matters, but to an older child it might. My dd asks me lots of times why did I want to adopt and why did I want her, I don't think replying that I wanted her in order to help her would be a good answer. And not true either, I wanted to be a mom.

[redhedded]

Howdy, I agree with much of what you said and think that you make some good points but also disagree with placing the responsibility (for lack of a better word) on anyone else, small person or adult, to make you (not you personally) whole or complete.

[LouiseT]

Maybe a better way to say it is that you needed to be a mother to become whole. In any event, I get the idea and I think it is great.

[Fran27]

Honestly, I don't think I'm fond of the 'I chose you' idea as a whole. First because it's not true. We don't choose a particular child. I wouldn't like to give my children the idea that I chose them because it's not the truth. I think there are other ways of showing how much you love your child without saying things that are not accurate (I mean 'you' as everyone here).

About the original version versus the changes, I think there needs to be a middle ground. The problem of the original version is that it's too much about 'I', I agree, but I think the idea is to tell your children how happy you are to have them, so I don't think it's really shocking (although I dislike the first one). In the modified version, I think it's too much about the child, and I don't think it's the aim of the book. Plus, with the 'I chose you', it gives the impression that the child was chosen because he/she needed help, which I don't like.

And I agree that one of the reasons I want children is to become whole, so I didn't find it creepy personally.

[AdrienneG]

Originally Posted by rtsmom

And don't forget gay/lesbian parents and single fathers.

Janet

Yes that would be nice, and I know people who adopted who are gay/lesbian and who are single dads.

[AdrienneG]

Originally Posted by Howdy

I do like some of your changes, but the overall impression the changes give me is that you are a saint and the child is a bit pathetic and needed to be saved by you.

For example, if I had a friend who told me I helped her achieve her own potential I would feel kind of cool about myself that I am so great I can help others, but if my friend told me they chose to be my friend to help me achieve my potential, I'd feel scared that I must not be able to achieve my potential on my own.

When I read through your changes as if it is a friend saying them to me, I prefer the original versions.

Also, I read that it is important that parents model taking care of their needs, so the child learns to put themself first rather than grow up to be the kind of walk-on-me person who does whatever their friends and spouse want them to do. The impression the child might get from all the changes is that they should have children because children need them, not because they themself want to have children.

I try modeling that for my dd (adopted a few months ago, and she is a very controlling child, but with low self-esteem) and I'm hoping it really will help her learn that each person has to take care of their own needs, because she is parentified and thinks she has to take care of parents.

If you are reading the book to a baby/toddler I don't suppose the wording one way or the other matters, but to an older child it might. My dd asks me lots of times why did I want to adopt and why did I want her, I don't think replying that I wanted her in order to help her would be a good answer. And not true either, I wanted to be a mom.

I can understand your viewpoint Howdy.

In my own personal experience with my adopting this child, I really did chose to adopt this child after I was asked to by the birth mother.

By being asked if I would adopt this child and my chosing to do so, I made a choice.

Maybe a better phrase for what I think of "I chose you because" is "I adopted you because..."


I do not at all see myself as a saint or the child as pathetic....this is not whats in my own personal filters.

I see him as a wonderful human being that I am delighted to have chosen to raise after being asked to.

I thought the gist of the book is that the child is very much wanted...and that the adoptive parent(s) is adopting that child because...as listed by the book.

I think that making a choice to adopt IS because you want to parent...and the book does say that...

It says "I chose you because I have always dreamt of being a parent...because you needed the love that I had to give".

Anyway thanks for sharing your P.O.V.

[Southernroots]

I like your changes. They show that you want to put your child first - a very admirable goal. I think if one parents in order to "fix" themselves, they may be setting themselves up to fail.

And I agree that one of the reasons I want children is to become whole, so I didn't find it creepy personally.

Hmm, I've have to think on that one. I guess is does sound sorta creepy to me. I suppose it could have many interpretations. I think before becoming a parent one should be fairly whole already. A child shouldn't be expected to "fix" you. Maybe it just means completing and adding to your life?

Must agree with you, if a child really wasn't "chosen", but matched sight unseen, that book wouldn't be very accurate, huh? The whole truth is really important.

[mommieof2cuties]

I love your changes as it shows how much you love your child and how you were able to change the book to have it meet your needs...

God Bless,
Summer