[redbonec]

My husband and I are waiting to adopt. I am not (at this time) nervous about the adoption itself, birthparents, a baby, or even the wait. What I find myself occasionally freaking out about is the thought of how much we will really have to adjust after a baby comes home.

We have been married 10 years. Besides a work schedule, I can go out when I want, go the store when I want for as long as I want, stay in bed on the weekend, sit here on the computer, etc. I determine what and when I do things. At home, I really take my time doing things. I know that will have to change. After doing this for 10 years, we are concerned about adjusting so quickly when a baby comes home.

My niece and nephew were here this weekend. After they left, I remembered that with children, there is little down time, no sleeping in on the weekends, and other things that will change forever.

I don't want this to sound like we don't want a child--we do! We also think about the reality of such a big change, especially when it can happen so quickly.

Was or is anyone nervous about this?
How was your transition?

[mcnh63]

You are not alone. DH and I have been married for 2 1/2 years but we are both 42. Neither one of us has ever had children. We are pretty set in our ways and used to being a little selfish. So yes we are concerned about the same things you are. On the other hand we have talked about the fact that we have had lots of time to ourselves and even if we enjoy that down time in the evening or weekends..... we are missing out on a huge amount of joy.
It may have taken us longer than others to get to this point but we are now ready to share our lives and move to another chapter of our lives. I think it is important to know how you feel (such as you do) and not fool yourself. You will be more prepared I think than the person that does not even think about it.
We don't have a child yet so I don't know how it will be but I will say we know how you are feeling

[jillned]

My husband and I trade off weekend days, one sleeps in while the other gets up the DS. DS is an angel though and will play quietly in his bed until 7:30 or 8 am, which is uncommon in my circle of friends, lol

[AdrienneG]

I have gotten used to sleeping in 2 hour segments instead of full on 8 to 9 hours of sleep. I nap when he naps and when we both are up, we do things together. Having a baby changes the way you live, but it doesn't change what you like to do for fun...you just have to be more creative in still being able to do the fun things that you liked to do before kids. My mother offered to babysit while we go to Vegas and we have a cousin and my husband's coworkers wife offered to babysit anytime we need one.

A baby will let you know what he/she needs and that he/she needs it now...you won't have time to think about what has changed because your focus will be on keeping the baby's belly full and butt clean.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Hey Redbone,
Yeah, I think about how our life will change. I wonder how it will affect the relationship dh and I have... we feel so ready to share our love with a baby, and I wonder how it will change things for us in ways we never expected or dreamed of.

I also think about the sleeping... but for me, since I have a very hard time sleeping at all, I look forward to having company during my insomnia! LOL! I gave up waking up dh years ago, but did that for years, too. I'd wake him up every five minutes to let him know I was awake. hehe. I figured if I couldn't sleep he should be up to keep me company! He was so sweet, too. But, eventually, I decided to let him snore while my mind races.

Anyway, hopefully the changes will be not so scary when we're going through them. I haven't thought too much about how my life will change because I'm at a place where I'm not really sure it'll ever happen for us... and I'm afraid of the pain if I imagine our life changing and then it doesn't.

Hopefully, some morning at 3 am I'll come on here to let you know that my baby is up screaming, teething, but up with me, and I'll be checking in on you and yours... hopefully!!!

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Lets see, I have not read a book that actually has chapters and pages that are not hard and chew resistant in over a year. Earrings, I was just thinking about how I can't even remember the last time I wore them. The last movie I saw in the theater was Phantom Menace...Mommies went to the first showing than sat with the babies while Daddies went. (my best friend had her first baby a month after Bug was placed with us) I traded in my car for a mini van, and can almost talk exactly like Elmo when my babies REALLY need a pick me up. The last CD I bought was A child's Gift of Lullabyes, and I don't know if I will ever be able to walk thru my family room again without maneuvering over a million toys!I even asked my DH at one time...I think it was before Christmas..."Do you even remember what our life was like before Bug came?" Try as we might, it was pretty difficult to remember what we USED to do for fun. I mean that in a good way though.

BUT, I know what you mean. There are many times I TOTALLY take advantage of NOT having the boys with me. For example, when I can just run in and out of the grocery store and not have to worry about dragging out the double stroller, or HOPING that they have one of those carts with the little truck in front that holds both of them already sitting in the parking lot! When I think about needing to go get a hair cut...but there is NO way I am dragging them along! I do miss the ease of that.

[ahimsa]

My husband and I were married 7 1/2 years before we adopted a 2 and 3 year old a year ago. We too were freaked out about the change. My husband adjusted really well...me not as well. He came from a family of four so he was more used to the dynamic. I was the only child of a single parent...big difference!

Initially your life will REALLY change. As time goes on, you learn how to bring elements of your "past" life back on. We were determined to keep certain things. We did not sell our beautiful beach condo for a suburban home. The kids love it here and are doing fine. We did not trade our convertible Beetle in for a "family car". Our car seats four...therefore...it fits our family perfectly. We love to ride bikes so we bought a bike trailer to take the kids with us. We love to eat out so we taught them proper restaurant behavior and keep a supply of crayons and small coloring books in our backpacks. We love going to reggae shows so we keep our eyes out for ones that aren't in clubs that we can take the kids to. They love it. We love hiking...they are learning to. Initially we didn't do these things. We were so preoccupied with learning how to be parents that we didn't do enough of our "old stuff". But...over the year, we have found a happy medium between our "pre-kids" and our "post-kids" lives.

One thing I would HIGHLY recommend is a book called "The Post-Adoption Blues : Overcoming the Unforseen Challenges of Adoption" by Karen J. Foli, John R. Thompson. I know...it sounds awful to think about "blues" but it does address many of the issues you are worried about. I would have gotten through the first few months of our placement a lot easier had I read it then.

I wish you luck! I know it is a scary leap to take! But trust me...after a year...and not an easy one, might I add...I wouldn't take my old life back for anything!

[LisaCA]

dh and i lived together in a happy childless state for 20 years before dd showed up. we realized that our life had changed before dd showed up-we'd already nested, so there wouldn't be that much change, lol. but then we were pretty boring. we did vacation in mexico at least once a year, I traveled whenever I wanted for my job, dh too, we were planning a trip to africa before dd showed her cute head. So now we go nowhere without her. I can remember my life before dd, but I was bored with it, ready for a change. I for one was happy to have dd show up-of course i really miss a few things, like looking nice (boy, did I look nice!), nice jewelry (no earrings or rings, or necklaces for that matter.And dd wears my scarves so I never actually have them around my neck), great shoes, oh and shopping for myself,gosh I do miss that! Purses-I have some great purses that look totally sharp but don't have a bottle holder, lol.

but it's all really cool. caught myself singing a baby song today, an earworm of "these little piggies go wee wee wee, all the way home..." so sad, but great too.

one thing I was not prepared for was watching dh turn dumber than dumb. After 18 months the man cannot remember to check her diaper and is indignant when it won't absorb gallons. That adjustment is harder than I thought. I have come to terms with the realization that dh checks his brain in his work desk before coming home, lol. Whether he'll ever become comfortable with making instant oatmeal without asking me "how much oatmeal?", "how much water?" and "how long in the microwave?" is anyone's guess. he is great with her, a good complement to my harda#@ personality. I guess if I changed the diaper and oatmeal thing, then it would probably change the good things too.

don't worry, it wouldn't be normal if you weren't having second and third thoughts .

lisa

[chrisandaaron]

I was really concerned about the sleeping thing too! I have always been one that really needed plenty of sleep and really looked forward to sleeping in. But, things really haven't been to bad. Dh takes turns, so I do get to sleep in (usually at least once or twice a week). But, I also find myself anxious to get up because I feel like I am missing all the fun! We were determined to work PJ into our lives, instead of stopping our lives when he arrived. I'm sure things will change as he gets older and more active, but for now we just load him up and take him with us! Yes, things take a little longer and "No," I can't stay out shopping all day. But, it is much easier than I thought! When he was 6 weeks we left him with my inlaws for the evening while we went shopping. I couldn't even believe I hadn't been away from him for 6 whole weeks and I wasn't insane! This has gotten kind of long. I guess what I am trying to say is: like you I was really nervous about the change, but it has been much easier than I expected!

Good luck!

[Linny]

It's a little freakish at first, I agree. We so wanted to have a baby; but during the first week, I started crying one night and said to dh, "Do you REALIZE what we have just DONE?!!!....We'll worry about her the REST OF OUR LIVES!!!!!!"

I don't think there is any magic formula in gettting through the 'shock' of having a new baby; but the want of having it overcomes the lack of sleep, the worry about immunizations, the dirty diapers, etc.

I had to remember that the action of living meant that 'everything was subject to change'. And, so it goes even today. You just learn to 'go with the flow' and relish the moments you have.
In your case, the moments and memories you WILL have. Reading specific books will help, I'm sure...but the bottom line to me is that parenting is mainly putting someone else before yourself. During 'babyhood' is the paramount time for this in many ways....but there is a wonderful payoff called 'family'.

Sincerely,

Linny

[LisaCA]

I should add that I was kinda scared too. we had a great life pre-kid, so what were we doing? then she arrived and yes, i cried when the nanny showed up 6 weeks later and it meant I could finally get a nap, lol, but really it's great. I knew I was smitten when during that first six weeks when dd had colic, milk allergy and severe constipation I realized that yes, i really want another one! can't explain it, it just is what it is. it does change things, but if things were good before, then they just get better .

[happygmom]

My husband and I were married 10 years before we had (bio) children. I couldn't believe the number of people who asked if we weren't a "tad to bit set in our ways"?

There were some rough spots but we adjusted quickly and found that our love for each other grew even stronger as parents (so much respect for each other as we got through the yucky times).

You might give some thought to and discuss your answer in case you are asked the question by a potential birth parent.

Good luck,

Happy G'Ma

[fivepets]

We just added an 11 year old girl to the mix, after 15 years of marriage and being childless. Talk about an adjustment! We're still exhausted from trying to function at her energy level for the first few months. Things are going very well now, and we actually taught her how to take time for herself, something she would never have thought about doing before.
It's good for you to have concerns about what you guys need, as well as what the baby needs. It will all work out, it will just be a BIG change.

[Guspiv]

As you can see you are not alone it is a BIG adjustment. Your life totally changes, I love my son and I know the change was worth it but GOD do I miss sleeping in! Out of everything the main thing I miss is sleeping late on the weekends. There were times when I spent the whole weekend in the same pair of pajamas and ate when I wanted to, slept, watched tv, read (oh gone are the days of finishing a novel in 2 days, only thing you will be reading is Goodnight Moon and Jamberry), ate and slept. I know that is funky and lazy but I miss it sooooo much.

So get ready it all changes. I'm sorry did I make it worse???? It really is a joy, I mean really who wants to spend the whole weekend eating sleeping, reading and watching movies anyway

But on a more serious note, I think maybe every parent goes through the same thing the whole "am I really ready to change my life" even when you try for years I think the closer you get to it actually happening a little anxiety kicks in that makes you wonder if you really want to change your life so drastically. It's worth it though I promise.

[Sleeplvr]

Sleeping in.... My user name is an abbreviated form of sleep lover. I miss sleep. My husband used to think something was wrong with me because I took naps after work and still went to bed early.

Becoming a parent was a big adjustment for me. It was a readjustment for DH. DH was married before and had done the baby thing before.

We had a pretty cool life. We dined out several nights a week, worked as late as we wanted to and took weekend jaunts on a whim. I miss being out and being able to go out on a minutes notice. But I love being a mom more. I was tired of doing the same thing over and over. I had even gotten tired of eating out. I have renewed a love of cooking and trying new dishes.

When I went back to work this month, it was the first time after the Christmas break I returned tired. Usually I'm well rested and ready to start the new year at work. Not so... But it was so cool seeing the kids open and play with their presents.

The best thing about having kids is reliving your childhood in a fashion. I think DH and I have enjoyed the toys more than they have. I am excited about getting on a swingset again. Playground here we come!!!! DH and I plan on buying every toy that we wanted but didn't get when we were kids.

DH is 42 and I'm 41. Having kids has been the best thing we have ever done.