[angeluv]

We initially planned to tell our son of his adoption as he approached mid to late 4 yrs old. We've mentioned it in general terms but not in reference to him. For us timing is everything now. Our plan has been de-railed by the shock of a serious illness. This illness' uncertainty has made us question whether now is the time to broach the subject. The greatest fear is the possibility of death of the parent whose ill. So what is better....our son has taken the illness as well as can be expected or is capable of understanding. Adding the adoption issue into the mix at this time scares us along with everything else going on in our lives. Any suggestions on timing........is it better to our son now as opposed to waiting to see the outcome of the illness which may be days, months, or maybe years. Anyone have any experience in this? I'm sure there may be information out there but right now I don't have the time to research. Pls help us and pray for our situation as well! Thanks Angeluv

[Linny]

I'm a firm believer that adoption should be discussed right from the start. And, being that he's already 4yrs old....I wouldn't wait. The only thing that makes me wonder, is I'm wondering how you view 'adoption'?
If you embrace it as something wonderful...something that is (IMO)....God Given......if you make him realize that it's not second best to giving birth...then I think he'll be fine.
The serious illness within your family is something that may come with more seriousness....be delayed, or get better? But, his adoption is what will always 'be'. It's about who he is...how he came into your family. IMO, making it a secret one minute longer will not help him at all. It may, though, make him feel that it's something to be kept a secret, something that IS 'less than'.

I wouldn't make it a production...I wouldn't act like it's a 'sad story', or something that shouldn't be talked about within his life...because it isn't. It should be celebrated and embraced.

I'd be 'matter of fact' about it. Tell him his story. Make sure to ask him if he has any questions.....yet, don't go into more detail than he wants at this time. But,....IMO, it's vital he knows now.

Sincerely,

Linny

[Bassette]

I'm really sorry that your family is experiencing a serious illness. }}}HUG{{{

Don't make adoption an issue. Read him a storybook about adoption, tell him his story, answer his questions and don't make a big deal of it. From what I have read and learned from others it is best for children to grow up knowing they were adopted rather than delivering a big boom at some point. If he senses that it is an issue with you then he may learn for it to be an issue for him. He is still of an amazingly resilient age. He will do fine!

[MNelson]

Angeluv, I'm so sorry for your family illness. I agree with the other posters in not waiting, yet not making it an issue you address. You didn't mention how old your son is now, but if he is comprehending the illness and risk of loss somewhat, maybe you can start by talking about the cycle of life -- birth and death. Over several conversations, you could then focus on birth and then talk about the different ways families are formed (I'm sure since you're already made plans, you're already aware there are plenty of resources on ways to talk about this). I can't imagine how hard this is for you to be dealing with your family tragedy, and working to share with your son his story. Kudos to you for not just pushing it all aside in your time of crisis.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I would discuss it immediately. The shock of the adoption is going to be hard enough before any other difficulties with the illness and if something awful was to happen, to layer them both would be a lot for a young one to handle.

I agree with Linny that it should be talked about... yesterday. And take Bassette's advice of not making it a huge "issue." Don't sit down and say, "We have some horrible news to share with you." It's not horrible. It's not necessarily huge if you don't make it out to be. Read the story. Tell him about his adoption. And ENCOURAGE QUESTIONS. Kids always have questions and the more he is encouraged to ask about the adoption the more common place it will become to him.

[AwaitingBeloved]

Hi Angeluv,
I am so sorry for what you're dealing with right now. The uncertainties alone are enough to deal with.

I think telling him now is the best thing. It will get this added pressure off of your shoulders and you won't have to worry anymore about the right time. I think your situation is a very good example to other adoptive parents for why we shouldn't wait.

I agree with Bassette's approach, too, to read a story and tell him about his story, encouraging his questions. He's only 4, he's not going to really understand it yet, but it's a great time to introduce him to this idea, even with the terrifying uncertainties your family is facing. And it will allow your spouse an opportunity to participate in this process as well... regardless of what tomorrow brings.

I will pray for you and your family and again, I'm so sorry for this illness that is affecting you all right now.

Best wishes

[alwaysus]

I agree wholly with the other posters. Paul and Elijah have heard the words" We are so glad we adopted you" from the time they were newborn. Don't wait any longer. My kids are very positive about adoption because we are very positive about adoption. You child will take his cues from you.
Good luck and I'm sorry about the health issues....

[definitelyjulia]

Honestly I think you may want to really think about his readiness to be able to handle both life changing things at the same time might be too much. Only you know your son and how he might cope with the information.

I agree with everybody about telling children as early as possible but this situation is different since he doesn't know AND you have a major crisis happening.

I wouldn't want him to associate the illness of a parent with being adopted and kids seem to lump all experiences that occur at the same time together at that age.

If you decide you just have to tell him right now it might be best to talk with a counselor that works with adoption issues and see how best to go about it.

This is all just my two cents and I wish you and your son well in whatever you decide to do. So sorry about the illness in your family.

Warmly,
Julia

[bromanchik]

I'm definately going to step out of the majority here. While you should have started this dialog much earlier, now may not be the time to start it. A crisis of this magnitude is most likely enough for your little guy to handle. Adding to that at this time, may be too much for him to adjust to and process. I, personally, would look into getting some parent guidance from a good therapist. Oftentimes the fears kids have come out in their play. You may be better able to understand how your son is adjusting to this illness, and how to help him through it, with some good guidance.

[sugarbabysmommy]

There are some very good books about helping children cope with parental illness, or illness of any significant family member. Even if your child is young, very young, they still process a lot. My mom died this last year and I am amazed at how my babe, who was then two, internalized her death and my grief.

"How to Help Children Through a Parent's Illness" by K. McCue is very good and covers many age groups and developmental stages.

Take care, and I'm sorry for what's happening for all of you.