[Emster]

Okay friends, I don't post much (I read daily and occasionally offer info when I feel it might be useful). However, the past few weeks I'm in a funk and need to whine, cry and carry on a little bit. I'm in a very "its all about ME" frame of mind.

Well, its been right at a year since we had our home study visit, and time just keeps passing with very little encouragement that it will end any time soon. We are going through an agency to adopt a domestic newborn. It's true, that they indicate the AVERAGE wait time is about one year, so its not so out of the ordinary, but I also know that that average is made up of those families with immediate placements and those who wait seemingly forever. In the past year we've been approached by the agency on more than one occasion for the placement of sibling groups and older children, but never even had knowledge of the prospect of a match. Every month when I call them to check in, they are very cheery and indicate that our profile goes out often, we are quite a bit more open to different situations than many other couples, and that they have not received any negative feedback about anything in our profile. They don't re-do anything or discuss big changes in the profile until a year has passed unless they see something that is glaringly a problem.

So...this begs the question...what's wrong with us??

Our pics don't lead people to believe we're axe murderers (I think we're both kind of cute!), we live a nice little life in a nice town with a nice home and a nice income. We hang out with nice people and have nice jobs. We both have college degrees (mine is a masters) and we have experience working with, coaching, and loving children. We have extended families that we are close with. We even have a nice cat. We've been married 12 years and together for 15. We play nice with others, don't run with scissors and say please and thank you at the appropriate times. Generally we don't talk with our mouths full.

I honestly believed that this wouldn't be that hard...that we wouldn't wait this long. Not because anyone fed us a line of bull, but just because that's what I felt in my heart. I feel instead now like the world is passing us by. I know I can't be the only one out there waiting. Let me know if you're miserable, too, and perhaps we can wallow in self-pity together. I want to be able to keep it together to appear somewhat upbeat when we meet with the agency to do our updates.

Thanks for listening...

[AwaitingBeloved]

Originally Posted by Emster

We play nice with others, don't run with scissors and say please and thank you at the appropriate times. Generally we don't talk with our mouths full.

You made me laugh! You forgot that you have a GREAT sense of humor, too!

Well, I think it's the day. I woke up feeling bleak. I'm doing better now. And hope I can offer you some comfort.

I know how you're feeling, as far as asking what's wrong with us? Why aren't we good enough? What did we do that was so bad that we aren't being allowed to love a child? Why is God picking on us?

Funny, now that I have it all written out, I bet it's how lots of expectant parents feel, too, during decision making processes. Makes me feel a little bad about having these concerns, but I can't stop having them.

I know how hard it is to wait and worry and wonder if it's ever going to happen.

I've been reassured that it will. (I'll believe it when I see it! ) Someone said to me once, to one of my posts, that the only sure way to become a mom, is to keep waiting for our baby to find us. I know that much is true! I am starting to believe that when the time is right, it will happen. It so sucks waiting and wondering if it will happen at all.

I also have noticed how so often, people come on here at the end of their rope. I'm talking foster parents who've had to make the difficult decision to no longer foster a troubled child, or adoptive parents with failed matches, even failed placements... that have come on and posted in complete dispair.. And, the very next post I see by them is the exact opposite. A sudden match or placement.

Maybe that'll be your luck.. maybe you'll have to wait longer.. but keep waiting. Don't give up on yourself or your baby. We have to believe that our kids will find us.

[dutchgirl2]

Hi Em!
Your post was sad but cracked me up at the same time, with the description of you and DH.
There's nothing wrong with you, as far as I can tell. In fact, you seem like a lovely family. Does your agency give you specifics on who is looking at your profile? We are always told if a pbmom looks at our profile and if she chooses someone else, what the deciding factor was. For example, the last time the pbmom wanted a religious couple, so we didn't fit the bill. You know, that kind of thing. Or she wanted a childless couple, so that ruled us out.
I'm guessing you have not put a lot of specifics on what you're open to. Our agency said you can expect a longer wait if you specify only being open to healthy caucasian male infants for example. But in your post you say that you are open to more different situations than most, so you would think that would make you even easier to place with.
So honestly, I don't know why this would take so long. It's definately something I'd discuss with your agency caseworker.
Sorry I couldn't be of more help, but I do truly believe that your baby is still out there and will find you when the time is right.

Simone

[Kimmisue]

Girl, I could've written that post! We too are among the "there must be something wrong with you group". We have been waiting a year (technically 2 years, but we switched agencies because the first one was a nightmare). We just last week had our one year "update" meeting. We did open up to a few things that we hadn't before considered, which makes us a bit more "marketable", doesn't that sound pitiful? I have done everything I can think of to do to try to pass the time. Just last night I went through the baby name book and made a list of every single boys name and every single girls name that I even "kind of" liked. I've bought every green and yellow infant sleeper on the southside of Indianapolis, the nursery is painted and almost completely decorated..... so now what????? Every time, and I do mean EVERY time the phone rings I run to my caller ID praying it says "Blocked Call" because that's what it says when the agency calls. The phone has rung 3 times today, and no such luck. I am totally, and completely 100% obsessed! Is that sick or what? So yes, Em, I'm miserable right there with you. Not sure if that makes either one of us feel better, but at least we're not alone.

[Dee1234]

Hi Em,
First of all, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Domestic adoption is a very long and unpredictable process. A wait of 1-2 years is common and some couples even wait longer (especially if you are trying to adopt a healthy Caucasian newborn.)

Our agency told us their average wait was around 1 1/2- 2 years when we first began the adoption process. Things have slowed down even more since then. We have been waiting 2 years and were recently matched with a potential birth mom. I know how difficult the wait can be. We have been living through it ourselves for quite some time and have had our share of ups and downs like you. So, I certainly understand how you feel. The important thing is to keep the faith and never give up. Although the wait can be long and frustrating, you will successfully adopt one day.

In the meantime, I highly recommend networking as much as possible. We have had some very wonderful contacts that way and it also helps you feel like you are doing something while waiting for your child.

Hang in there. I hope you find your match soon!

Take care,

[T&T]

Hey Em and Kimmise, can I climb into your boat of dispair and wallow with you? We have been waiting for two full years. I simply can't believe that that much time has ticked by and yet we are still sitting on the starting line so to speak. Both Dh and I feel as though our backs are to the wall, we both are beginning to question if we missed our window of opportunity (we have both hit the 40 year old mark) . In the next week or two we must make the gut wrenching decision whether to abandon this dream or make one more hail-mary pass and get things up an running with a new faciltitator that we have had on hold for months. We so don't know what to do!!!

Anyway, let me get back on track. We too knew that we would have to wait, but I never imagined having no possibilities two years later. Grant it we have made things more difficult because we have specified that we would like to have a little girl. Still, that shouldn't make it impossible should it? Our agency and new faciltiator consider us to be very open in all other areas, so that should count for something right?

I can't tell you how many times we have had people tell us how wonderful our family is and how if they were placing a baby for adoption, that they would place with us. Gee, that's great, but we really need to hear that from someone who is looking for an adoptive family. Where are all the potential birthmoms???

So yes we too feel like the world is passing us by and we are rather miserable right now, so you are definately not alone.

Tracey

[wenrl]

Do you floss daily? Eat lots of garlic and onions, but hate gum and breath mints? Wear deodorant? I didn't notice any mention of dental hygene or breath and body odor, so I'm going to assume you have bad teeth and smell like a sweaty horse. You might want to look into that.

Seriously though, waiting is the worst! I too am obsessed. We are waiting for an older "special needs" girl and were told it would be fast this time. We waited two years for our first daughter. I thought fast was two or three months, maybe less. I thought our family would be complete by the holidays. Well, it's not. I don't know what fast is, but this process is anything but fast.

I check my email constantly and no matter how long we waited before or how long we've been waiting now without one single call ever (we did all the calling to get matched the first time), I still think every call is THE call and get bummed that it's just AT&T again or the wrong number or even a friend or family member. How dare they give me a brief milisecond of hope only to have it come tumbling down! If your not calling about our second child, don't call us, we'll call you! The worst is when someone from the City or State calls because then I really think is is Social Services, but alas, it's usually my daughter's school.

[pwheatle]

I have been waiting three and a half years now for a severely disabled newborn. I am in Canada where we basically can only adopt from our own province. I have periods of time where I am totally consumed...these past weeks are one of those times. I have adopted before and the months January thru March are generally good good placement times for me as I have had one from each month so I am a little jumpy for the phone myself. Here too the call display will read private name and number when it is social services calling so these days they make me really excited. It is not so exciting for the sales person on the other end!
Oh well....the wait goes on.
Tricia

[Kimmisue]

Tracey,


I hope you won't give up. I'm afraid if we gave up I'd do that constant wondering thing. Are you still with that same agency? Can you stay with them and work with a 2nd, maybe someone who doesn't make you pay all fees up front. That's we we did. We pretty much paid for the 2nd adoption, but then found another agency that would let us sign on for a low fee with no placement fee until placement. I know, kinda stupid to pay another agency when we'd pretty much already paid one agency, but I had to do SOMETHING.

Prayers to you with your decision! Good luck!

Kim

[LisaCA]

my sympathies, ladies. the wait bites, whether it's one month or one year. this is like applying to college. once you've filled out the forms, sent in your paperwork and done everything you can, you just have to sit and wait. Of course as in college applications, there are many other bright perfect people who want to go to your school too, which just bites. Of course you might have taken that extra calculus class, but then your college might be looking for more students from iowa, since they have too many from your state. It's just out of your hands, which is the worst part.

the wait time gave me a chance to imagine what it must be like to be a child eligible for adoption and attending those adoption fairs. can't imagine how it crushes their little egos. it's hard to look bright eyed and bushy tailed at everyone passing by.

some of this depends on bparents and what they're looking for, but some depends on the amount of traffic in your agency. Does your agency advertise? the one we were with didn't, they just waited for walk-ins. That meant that one season might have three walkins, while the next might have ten, all random.

of course none of this matters when you just feel crappy about things. Frankly I think you're entitled. Take the time to wallow in that pity party. Assuming you don't have any of the hygiene issues that wenrl mentions (and even if you do), your children will find you. you mentioned that your agency will review your file and discuss things with you after a year-this is good, it will give you some feeling of control and a chance to redo things. I remember after being in college a couple of years, I read my college application essay. . I couldn't believe they'd accepted me. If you reexamine your profile/paperwork, you may find a few things you want to change, even if it's just mixing up the placement of the photos or whatnot.

I wish you all luck. this is the start of a new year and may this year bring you all you desire.

Lisa

[T&T]

Originally Posted by Kimmisue

Tracey,


I hope you won't give up. I'm afraid if we gave up I'd do that constant wondering thing. Are you still with that same agency? Can you stay with them and work with a 2nd, maybe someone who doesn't make you pay all fees up front. That's we we did. We pretty much paid for the 2nd adoption, but then found another agency that would let us sign on for a low fee with no placement fee until placement. I know, kinda stupid to pay another agency when we'd pretty much already paid one agency, but I had to do SOMETHING.

Prayers to you with your decision! Good luck!

Kim

Kim, one of the things that I constantly turn over in my head is whether I will be able to find peace if we decide to stop, or will I be haunted by "if only". On the flip side I am so 2 @$*! emotionally tired and I would love to think about something else for a change. I hate feeling like I am living my life on pause, waiting for something to come through so I can nail down a direction in life.

As for our agency, yeah sad to say, we are still with the same agency. Looking back I can see that it was a HUGE mistake putting so much faith in them. If only we had seen the light earlier, we have wasted so much time with them. Right we now are staying with them simply because we would need them if we get things moving with the facilitator that is on the west coast (we are on the east coast). Technically this would enable us to work with two agencies at once, but at this point, if a placement came through our original agency both Dh and I would keel over from severe shock. As for the money, if we give the go ahead to the new faciliatator we would have to shell out a substantial sum of money. On one hand I want to take the chance, on the other I wonder if we would be simply throwing the money away on a lost cause. Sorry, I am not real positive about all of this right now. I am definately in the whine, cry mode.

Thanks for the words of support. I wish you well on your quest too.
Tracey

[mmdd2b]

Hello Ladies,
I too am in your position. This week has been hard as well as I try to figure out what will happen this year. Is it our year or not? It is hard when family state, next year will different at Xmas, Easter, Valentine's party, etc.

I am trying to hang in there as we try our efforts with the county foster-adopt system, while waiting for our miracle to start our family the right way.

Kristy

[jillned]

From what I can tell, we all need to get rid of our caller ID. These posts made me feel better on a day that started out rotten. I will post my saga of the day under "we're matched" from jillned.

[redribbonrose]

I honestly believed that this wouldn't be that hard...that we wouldn't wait this long. Not because anyone fed us a line of bull, but just because that's what I felt in my heart. I feel instead now like the world is passing us by. I know I can't be the only one out there waiting. Let me know if you're miserable, too, and perhaps we can wallow in self-pity together. I want to be able to keep it together to appear somewhat upbeat when we meet with the agency to do our updates.

DITTO! Can I join this cruise ship of the lonely mothers to be? We are at 11 months right now and I really thought this would be easier and the wait shorter. I also was fed a line of BS so that added to my delusional thinking that this would be a "doable" wait.

[megaphonemo]

Because hearing that stinks just as much as the wait. After lurking here for our wait - I was getting frustrated with all the "we only waited a week" posts that I drove myself insane reading. I recommend getting yourself out there a little more if you can - look online - there are some agencies that will work with your profile for very little up front $$. Also, I agree with whoever said reread your profile of what you are interested in - and think about expanding your horizons a little. Give it serious thought (not implying that you did not before ) - but you might find that you are willing to accept something you were not before. (and I am not saying to compromise principals or make it say something you are not really comfortable with.....)

We were about to expand our horizons a little - we were planning on talking to family about race a little more that upcoming weekend at a party - when we got our call for the emergency placement of our daughter. Matter of fact, I was looking at other agencies online when we got the call. Hope to finalize shortly. Missed the party altogether.

I also found that calling the agency a lot kept us in the forefront of their brains. We were considered more before we were matched, and the considerations always seemed to follow phone calls to complain. Glad to hear you are calling them monthly.

keep the faith - (I know - that is as bad as be patient. Sorry 'bout that!!)

Mega