[Bassette]

I'm not sure what the question is but if birthmother doesn't want to be known just talk about her in a nonidentifying manner. Perhaps ask her what she wants her birthchild to be told when he/she asks why they were relinquished. I caution you not to make up a story about her reasons. That could be just as harmful. I can attest to that firsthand. I used to tell my daughter wonderful things about how her bio father felt about her so that she wouldn't be hurt by the truth. In the end, she was hurt by my untruths as she discovered her bio father's *real* feelings and reasons. It's ok to say that you don't know when your child asks a question that you can't answer.

[Southernroots]

How young is this birth mom? Sounds childish to me to call herself the baby's cousin. Personally, I wouldn't go along with the deception. I would worry more about being untruthful to your child than angering the birth mom. I agree talking to her about this is a good idea.

Hmm, you have to respect the birth mom? She is the baby's birth mom, not yours, right? Would be better for your child if you respect her even if it is solely because of her relationship to your child. Don't have to like her necessarily, but, that'd be healthier for your child too if you did. She is still one of the mothers of your/her child whether you like or respect her or not though.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by pinkheart

I wanted to know when we should start talking to our infant about being adopted.

Now.

[Southernroots]

I gotta say - I just love it when an issue comes along that we ALL agree on. Makes me almost giddy! And it gives me hope!

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by Southernroots

Hmm, you have to respect the birth mom? She is the baby's birth mom, not yours, right? Would be better for your child if you respect her even if it is solely because of her relationship to your child. Don't have to like her necessarily, but, that'd be healthier for your child too if you did. She is still one of the mothers of your/her child whether you like or respect her or not though.

I took the OP to mean that she wants to respect the birthmother's wish to not be known as the birthmother and by not displaying a picture and refering to the picutre with the baby as hey this is your birthmom, she was honoring her wishes. I don't think she meant she has to respect her, as in she's forced to and has no choice.

And to Pinkheart, there is no way I'd lie to my child, and she is asking you to lie. It's often said that kids are only as confused as the adults around them. Recently this has been proven to me by my own child's behavior because of the behavior of some birthfamily members and one adoptive family member. I now have to fix what others have muddled up with their own adult contrivances.

I'd ask her what this is all about. She may be hoping to avoid some of her own feelings about the adoption and her role by asking that she not be acknowledged to her child as birthmother. I respect that and would want to be sensitive to those feelings but your child deserves honesty, not make believe.

[WaitingMom22]

I was adopted at two months old and my parents always read to me and talked to be about it when I was an infant so I always knew. You need to do it now so that it will not be tramatic for the child to learn and feel liked to. I distinctly remember having thoughts about adoption when I was 2 or 3 years old knowing clearer than most adults what it meant...my parents did not physically create me but they chose to have a family and they chose to have a daughter (they already adopted my brother 5 years earlier) and that they waited years for me. Good luck and congrats.