[Kelli]

I normally love talking to people about adoption when the subject arises (and sometimes when it doesn't ), but last night I did something I can't recall ever doing, which is lie by omission. My dd and I were invited to the home of her little school friend. There were about six other school friends along with their mothers. While the kids were playing the women were chatting in the living room. Only one of the women present knew I was an adoptive parent and I really didn't know the others that well. The subject turned to pregnancy because the only woman (the hostess) with more than one child (she has two kids 18 months apart) was teasingly trying to convince us all to have more children. During the course of all this one of the ladies asked me whether I had gained much weight with my dd. I smiled and responded "No, not really" and the question moved to the next person. Even though my answer was technically correct and I didn't really feel like sharing this information with a group of casual acquaintances, I felt a little dishonest afterwards because I didn't correct or clarify her question. I just wasn't comfortable sharing this news with the parents of all her little school friends in a group social setting. I have socialized with some of the parents at birthday parties, etc., and my dd has known some of the other children for a couple of years but to the best of my knowledge none of them know yet. I have yet to even share the information with her teacher and have opted to do so as the need arises. The one woman knew we were an adoptive family because her dd went to the same home daycare as my dd when they were babies.

Anyway, chances are this woman is going to say (or has already said) something to at least one of the other women present which I'm not concerned about at all, but I don't want to give off a vibe that I'm trying to hide how we became a family. More importantly I don't want my dd to ever believe that I'm trying to hide it, especially if these questions are asked in her presence. When she gets older I guess I will talk to her about how to respond and what will make her comfortable.

I can't recall ever lying in a one on one situation (except with maybe a total stranger) but anybody else ever lie by omission in a one on one or group setting? Is it ever okay to do this? Bmoms, when asked how many children you have do you always include the one that you are not parenting?

It gets kind of sticky sometimes walking the line between pride and privacy .

Kelli

[BrandyHagz]

Bmoms, when asked how many children you have do you always include the one that you are not parenting?

That depends on who is doing the asking.

If I don't really know them all that well, then no...I don't and the reason why I don't is because I'm not going to be taking the time to explain to them the circumstances surrounding the placement - nor am I going to be taking the time to educate them, because lets face it, folks aren't real educated about adoption unless they have been touched by adoption first hand.

So, if I'm not going to be spending a lot of time building a relationship or I won't be spending a lot of time with the person - I have one child.

If I know them, somewhat, or I like them and I could totally see cultivating a friendship with them, then ya, I'll say I have two - and go into the whole story because I'm interested in investing the time into building the relationship.

Last night, DH's company had their Holiday Party, we were all sitting around and chit chatting and I found myself very comfortable with the wives (all of whom I've known for three years +) and so I spilled the beans - so, they didn't get the story right away - it took me three years to share with them - and I don't feel bad about that at all, because these aren't people I will be spending a lot of time with, but that might be changing...we'll see.

Kelli, in the end, I think its a judgment call - you have to do what is comfortable. It's not anyone's business but your families - so those you do share it with should feel privileged to be so close to you!

[BoxerLady6]

From the area of society I fall in you keep you child PERIOD...adoption does NOT happen very often and when it does you will be shunned. I will say that when I placed my daughter it was quite the gossip at my job at the time. Afterwards not many would talk to me.......... After that I decided it was not worth the heartache to tell anyone about my bdaughter and I just won't and probably never will. I know I made the right decsion for her and me and I don't need a lecture on how I "gave my baby away". I can count the number of people I know who know on one hand.
I thinks a very personal choice who tell and who you don't. You should be able to tell as many or as few people as you would like.
I think the bmoms point of view is little different because we don't have a child right there. So no one can ask me about my pregancy...ya know what I mean?
But in the social stitution you were in I totally do not blame you for not saying anything.

[icunurse]

I really don't think that you did anything wrong. Especially when I meet new people (and as time goes by), I just don't feel the urge at every opportunity to mention DS is adopted, even if it is just to clarify a situation. In fact, I find myself actually making more of an effort to not mention it. Right now, everyone who needs to know, knows. I have met a couple of people who want to adopt and, with them, I share our adoption journey. But when someone looks at DS and says,"he must look like his father" (which he doesn't), I tend to just say "not really" and leave it at that. Surprisingly, no one has gone further with their questions. Not lying, but not really telling the whole story. And with strangers or very casual acquaintances, I'm okay with that

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Kelli

Bmoms, when asked how many children you have do you always include the one that you are not parenting?

Yes. But I don't get into the nitty gritty with every one. I have three kids... I answer questions honestly. I don't really get into details. It is amazing how much you can answer without spilling your whole life story. Here's an outline of the talk I give to birthmoms in talking about their children.

1) How do we decide whom to tell what to?
A) The Need to know rule. Questions to ask yourself.
1) Who is asking?
2) Why are they asking?
3) How are they asking?
4) What do you think their reaction might be? And...
5) Are you willing to "get into it" if need be?
B) The Need to know rule. What if they don't ask?
1) Who in your life really needs to know?
2) Why do they need to know?
3) The risks of disclosure.
4) Dealing with fall out.
2 ) Privacy Vs Secrecy
A) What is the difference?
B) Denying our children. The long-term and short-term effects.
1) General Rule: When talking about your child always speak as if they are right by your side listening.

The thing of it is our kids are not always going to want to talk about their adoption, nor should they feel a need to disclose that to everyone. As parents we can teach healthy boundaries to our children by modeling this. When you told that woman you did not gain weight with your dd you were not lying (unless you really did gain some weight while waiting.) She didn't need to know why. Now if you think somewhere down the line you might be good friends, you might explain it to her in greater detail.

[dpen6]

I firmly believe that if you don't want to share info in that kind of setting it is fine to do what you did. There is no need to tell personal details about yourself if you don't want to...its nobodys business. We live in such a society now, where everyone is expected to "share" and its become that if you don't you are feeling like we are doing something wrong!

I think you said the right thing and should not feel uncomfortable about it.

[pharm]

When I was growing up as an adoptee we always seemed to get the same comments...."You look just like your father!!!" or "Wow, she has your eyes!". My parents and I would just smile and say Thank you....LOL.....

I think you did the right thing ..and i ditto everyones comments. It is your family and you know when it feels right to tell people. That time might be never or it might be now. But that time is totally up to you not dictated by the circumstance or the position others put you in.

God Bless

[kelleymac]

I think you did the right thing. For whatever reason, questions around pregnancy (how was your labor, how much weight did you gain, what did Jonah weigh at birth, who was your OB) were the questions that threw me the most. They were always asked at a mother's gathering.

Most often, I answered as you did...the question at face-value, and I don't think those answers are dishonest.

Kelley

[Guspiv]

I don't think this was so bad. I don't think you should feel forced to talk about adoption all the time. There are situations where you dont feel like telling the world. Doesnt mean that you are ashamed or anything. For instance, I just started a new job about a month ago and I haven't told anyone yet. But for my last job (I started that job when Gav was 5 months old and had to quit a month ago because the commute was too far) and I told my boss like the first day, so I think it just depends on how you feel about it at the time.

However, (an this is in no way a criticism) have you thought about how you are going to deal with your daughters adoption at school? I only ask because this was a gathering with classmates and their mothers. Do her teachers know that you adopted her? Do you feel that it is important for teachers and school mates to know so that they can be enlightened on the subject? This is something that I have been thinking about. My son is not a year old yet, but I have been reading about how adoptive parents educate schools about adoption and suggestions on how to educate classmates and teachers to use positive adoption language (especially in transracial adoption). Likke I said my son is barely a year old so I haven't had to deal with this yet, but since your daughter is school aged maybe it is something you should prepare for. Just my opinion. It may be a good thread to put out there, find out how other parents deal with school and parents of classmates.

[michellemartin]

Bmoms, when asked how many children you have do you always include the one that you are not parenting?

I always say two, and about 99% of the time I say it something like, "I have one at home and one living with her parents in ******". If they question it, then I give details, if not, then I dont, unless it's someone I'd like to have more info about me.

I think what you did is completely okay. I'm sure the other amom there knows that talking about adoption at every single encounter is a pain in the butt and if she's mentioned it to anyone (your omission) I doubt she'd call it a "lie" or make it seem as if you were lying.

[Kelli]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I think I felt dishonest mostly because there was one other person present who knew what I had left out. Michelle, she's not an amom (at least I don't think she is ) but you're right, I definitely think I would have not felt as "sneaky" if she were.

Guspiv, you have asked some of the same questions that I did and you'll more than likely have to make some decisions by the time your son enters school or soon thereafter. There was actually a thread not too long ago about "school" and a link that lead to a part of the forum that I wasn't even aware existed. There is lots of good information including a piece about whether to tell the teachers which included "yes" and "no" perspectives. After much thought, reading, and discussion with friends and family members that were adopted, we ultimately decided on a flexible wait and see/need to know approach when it comes to school.

School and Adoptive Families

Kelli

[Guspiv]

Thanks so much for the thread. I know it is early but it is something I started thinking about since Thanksgiving. I will take a look at the thread because I am interested in hearing different opinions.

[AdrienneG]

When reading this I thought about how I probably would say "No. His birth mom gained weight only in her belly, and she and I joked that he moved aroudn so much he was going to be a swimmer"


You are entitled to respond however you feel comfortable responding. Not every person that speaks to you has to know everything about you. This is coming from a person who is a private person and who doesn't discuss personal things with just anybody. I don't bond with people by telling all my business, so if I do, its because they and I are close friends.

U didnt lie by omission. U just used discretion in what you said

[Karma]

I was in similar situation but with strangers recently and was asked if I had indigestion since my dd has head for of hair. I looked at DH and said actually we both did. We have decided that we will only share adoption story with close relatives and friends (well can't keep from not so close relatives but that's another issue) because it is not our story to share but our dd's. I don't want her to think she is "our adopted daughter". I want her to think she is "our daughter" she doesn't have to be defined as "adopted" Yes she will know her story, will know her birthfamily as well as adoptive family but doesn't have to be discussed with everyone.


Karma

[mommy3]

Great conversation -- We've been through this with our ds's adoption and I usually decided what I shared depending upon the context. Don't fret -- most people just want an answer! I'd have turned blue and gained 300 lbs. if it would have allowed me to carry a second child to term, but our 2nd and 3rd child were meant to come to us through adoption, we now understand. When I hear, "wow, you are in such good shape for having a newborn!", I thank them and say something like, "you have no idea what it took for this baby to be born and we are so lucky" --- just not answering their question. Usually, though, if the person is a woman who recently gave birth, I'll add, "but thanks -- our baby was born to us through adoption so I had no chance to gain weight, just gain more love."

I really believe our sins of ommision are kindly meant and if someone learns that our response left something out, no prob -- they must be interested in adoption information! It seems we are so used to being completely upfront as women that we forget we really don't have to tell allll the truth to everyone -- I try to remember that my children's adoption info is THEIR info and only share it when it's needed, as proud of their adopition stories that they and we are! susan