[skittlesandbeer]

I'm feeling so overwhelmed with choices!

We have decided to adopt a child (or small sibling group) between the ages of newborn - 10 years old, preferably an older infant or toddler.

The problem is, I can't figure out HOW we want to adopt. Should we do domestic or international? If domestic, try to adopt a newborn from the birthmother, or older child from the foster care system? If international, which country?

For those of you who have been there (i.e., you werent narrowly restricted on age or race), how did you finally decide which route to take?

I've already done tons of research on agencies, costs, the process, problems that might arise with each, etc., but of course, no research is better than personal input from those who have been through it.

[lakin11]

When my dh and I started talking about adoption, we were pretty open to the idea in general. After watching Adoption Stories on Discovery Health Channel, I was particularly touched by the store of a family who adopted from Guatemala. We thought that would be where we went b/c we wanted Hispanic children (dh is Hispanic). We did a lot of research and looked into several agencies. While this still may be something we do in the future, we decided not to take this route. Probably the biggest deterrent was the financial aspect of it. We just didn't feel we were ready to add yet another huge debt into our lives. All through this DH was wanting me to consider foster care, but like most people, I had the thoughts/feelings of not being able to let them go. I resisted the idea for quite awhile. However, after much much prayer, I began to seriously consider the idea...again more researching! I found a sib group in Texas that I just feel in love with....which isn't smart, but happens haha. Decided to see if we'd have a chance with them and decided to move up when our starting process. We were originally thinking Jan/Feb to start calling about training. We took our fostering training classes in October. While I still worry about letting the kids go, I came to the understanding that God will provide. I will love the kids while we have them and pray for them like crazy when we don't! I know the system has many many many flaws, but it was something I felt more willing to do. Before we started classes, I was thinking only doing straight adoption. Then considered doing the foster to adopt. Now we are planning on doing straight fostering, with the hopes of maybe one day adopting. I'm still looking for sib groups (my TX one's are gone so hoping they found a great family!) but also preparing to open our heart to the foster kids who may only be here a short time. We had our first homestudy visit on Monday and hope to have our license completed by January! We chose not to do private infant domestic because of the money, and also because there are just so many older kids out there too! We can have biological children (although haven't yet), so we didn't feel any pressure to adopt an infant. While our thoughts and ideas about how we were going to adopt have changed greatly since the beginning, we knew this was something we were meant to be doing. Good luck with your decision making! If you are a person of faith, may I recommend lots of prayer! There will be times of and times of . Plenty of times with many and not enough answers! But know that there are children out there for you.
Shannon

[tobeafamily]

Here's another way to look at it - all adoption is about risks and benefits. Each path has it's own benefits and it's own risks. Some people freely engage risks others can't handle. There is no one best way to adopt, only a best way for you.

For instance, in international, you have:

Risks associated with bureaucracy - 2 governments, likely multiple languages
Risks associated with fees and expenses
Risks associated with travel
Risks associated with unknown or poor prenatal care and nutrition
Risks associated with prenatal exposure to alcohol or substances, known or unknown at time of placement
Risks associated with poor infant/child medical care and/or nutrition
Risks associated with institutionalization
Risks associated with abuse/neglect (known or unknown)
Risks associated with unknown genetic/medical history

In domestic parental placement you have:
Risks associated with expectant parents not going through with their adoption plan
Risks associated with fees and expenses
Risks associated with travel - possibly last minute
Risks associated with unknown or poor prenatal care and nutrition
Risks associated with prenatal exposure to alcohol or substances, known or unknown at time of placement
Risks associated with unknown genetic/medical history

In Waiting Child/US Foster Care you have:

Risks associated with bureaucracy
Risks associated with unknown or poor prenatal care and nutrition
Risks associated with prenatal exposure to alcohol or substances, known or unknown at time of placement
Risks associated with poor infant/child medical care and/or nutrition
Risks associated with abuse/neglect (known or unknown)
Risks associated with unknown genetic/medical history

You must weigh these against the benefits each pathway provides.

For us, parenting from birth was more important and outweighed the risk of our son's birth parents changing their minds (though that is seriously terrifying). For others, it's not so important. Plus, we really wanted ongoing contact, which is much less common in international and US Waiting Child programs.

Another hard-to-handle aspect of domestic parental placement is the unpredictability. You can literally become parents in an hour, a day, a month, a year. The next phone call could change your life. For some that is far too stressful, they prefer the predictibility of other paths.

HTH, best of luck.

Regina

[blessedbybug]

The honest truth...for us, it was finances. We don't have alot of money so we had to use it wisely. We eventually chose domestic infant adoption because we could have the possibility of doing upto three adoptions for what it would cost us to do one adoption from another country. But our situation is unique in many regards in that our province has restricted fees. We knew the cost and it wouldn't/didn't change. Not only that, but we realized that, as multi-cultural as our province is, we would have a chance of adopting cross-ethnically just by staying home. Since ethnicity doesn't matter to us, it was a choice that fit into our family plan and resources well.

We did look into Russia and Ukraine but were concerned with the high potential of FASD and other health issues from there. We decided if we were to take that on, we might as well consider the possibility of our own foster care system, knowing that we most likely would have more health information locally than if we were to go international.

We were also interested in the China program but it was just too costly. We considered Haiti but at the time, adoptions there were halted due to unrest in the country.

We are in Canada so fees are different here. There is a set free with no loss of money if a match fails. That was an assurance for us. And once we looked into a more open arrangement with our child's first family, we knew that is what we wanted. We wanted our child to have the possibility, and would do our part to make it happen, in knowing his or her first family.

We started out trying to work with Children's Services but they took a very long time to get to our homestudy so we went to a private agency. We did complete our homestudy with Children's Services on THE day we got the call about DD from our private agency... she was home with us a week later.

Some questions you might ask yourself...

1) Do you want an infant? If you do, you would most likely have to do domestic infant programs or maybe, foster to adopt through Children's Services. We wanted an infant for at least one of our children so this worked out well. There are a few international programs where kiddos are younger but you can't count on it as you are depending on several entities to help you complete your adoption.

2) What is your stance on adopting transethnically? If the ethnicity of your child does not matter, then your options are wide open. If it does, then it is more limited.

3) What resources are available to you? If $$ is not an issue, then again, your options are wide open. Domestic adoption can be as expensive as international if you enter into a long-term support relationship. (It is illegal in our province to do this...) But you can also find agencies with set fees so you can know what your investment will be. Domestic adoption can be done through a facilitator as well, which is an additional fee.

We have had a wonderful relationship with Children's Services, (no cost on our part...they even pay travel to training courses and seminars) once they finally got going on things. We are currently waiting with them in the adoption program and foster-to-adopt programs. Something to consider there...

4) Are you interested in siblings? Your best bet is to consider your foster care system. They are always looking for people interested in adopting a sibling group. We are willing to take 1-3 kids as long as it fits into our family plan. Again, the more open you are, the more options you have.

5) Is an open relationship important to you? Most international adoption have no or little connection to the first family. We crave contact with Bug's first family...in fact, we want more than they are able to give right now. We met Bug's first mom and siblings prior to Bug's birth and were present when Bug was born. We treasure those moments and the rare ones since then when we have had contact. We hope our next adoption will be the same or better.

We are also open to contact if we adopt through foster care, as long as it is safe and healthy for all of us.

I am sure others will add lots more from their experience... best of luck! I remember being where you are... it is overwhelming to make the decision but I guarantee, you will know it when you finally find the path to your child...

[Guspiv]

I guess after you weight the pros and cons that you find from your research (and the previous responses) The decision has to be very personal. What type of child can you be the best parent to, can your family deal with racial differences, at the stage in your life where you can parent an older child, who may have emotional problems etc. Adoption is a roller coaster ride and it causes you to do a lot of inward reflection and the reflection starts now. Our deciding factor for adopting domestically through and agency rather than the foster care system is we wanted to parent a newborn infant. We have talked a lot about giving an older child a home, but we have to be honest with ourselves and realize that we are not ready for that step yet.

I am sure you are going to get a lot of responses to your post. Everyone here is really great and you will get a lot of helpful insight. But we will all agree and tell you that adoption is an extreme emotional journey, but worth every step. Good luck with what ever decision you make.

[spaypets]

I think for us, the overriding reason for going international was the promise of a more defined timeline. With domestic adoption, we wouldn't have any idea how long it would take to be matched and if the pbparents would ultimately decide to place or parent. Plus, the idea of having to sell ourselves not only to the adoption professionals but to potential birth parents, was, for us, uncomfortable.

We chose India because it was one of several countries that an agency in our state worked with, it has an escort option and a short stay required if we did travel (this was in the fall of 2001, whent international travel had become very scary). It came down to choosing between Guatemala and India and Dh was a lot more interested in Indian culture than Guatemalan (which turned out to be good because shortly after that the whole Haugue mess hit Guatamala and things slowed to a crawl).

I'm astounded how well everything worked out, considering how little research we did and how little we understood at the time.

[Kelli]

Originally Posted by skittlesandbeer

For those of you who have been there (i.e., you werent narrowly restricted on age or race), how did you finally decide which route to take?

I can certainly understand the myriad of choices that most families face when they are seeking to adopt and how difficult it must be. In our case, the decision making process was pretty narrow because as an AA family we knew we were in hot demand to adopt an AA child and really couldn't consciously fathom going any other way. We never considered other options and the only real decision was whether we would go the foster or infant adoption route. After careful consideration we both decided that poopy diapers, midnight feedings, and sleepless nights are the stuff dreams are made of. So we threw our hats in the ring and our infant daughter was placed with us one month after submitting our application, and four days after completing our homestudy.

I think Regina's outline was wonderful and should give you some food for thought in determining the potential risks you are willing to face. This might seem overly simplistic to some but when you've imagined your family, what is it that you see? That's probably where I would start. Keep us posted on what you decide.

Best wishes,

Kelli

[Ktates]

It is so overwhelming! We partly made our decision based on "trying" to control the timing. With DH self employed and myself working for the benefits we needed to be in a process that was "somewhat" predictable (as much as any can). Plus age of child also entered into things and what my husband was up for was more limited to what I was.

Even if you aren't sure go to a bunch of info meetings for different agencies -- it is good to hear others experiences and sometimes the staff or other paps bring up or ask things you hadn't even considered.

You will figure it out - just give yourself some time!

[gregorysparents]

skittlesandbeer - Thank you for asking this question. I have also wondered how people decided which route to take.

I appreciate the responses that you have been given. You have been given some WONDERFUL information. I have also been able to learn a lot from reading this thread.

Good luck with your decision. Please keep us informed.

Christina

[Nevada Jen]

Like many, we had a long road to our decision. Originally we were planning on adopting from Vietnam because I have four adopted siblings from there (who would be in our childs generation). Vietnam closed to Americans while we were getting our act together. Over the next 3 years we changed our minds from Vietnam, to foster adopt to Guatemala to having biological children.

Finally we came to the realization that, to us, the most important things to us in order were healthy child, newborn, predictability and cost. We realized that race did not matter one bit. We came to the realization that we were perfect candidates for domestic transracial adoption. WE live in a diverse neighborhood, come from diverse families, we were open to any race and are already accoustomed to being a "visible" family because our daughter is disabled. It sounded like the wait would not be longer than international when you factored everything in.

It turned out that we were presented with a baby born situation before our homestudy was complete. We rushed to complete our homestudy in record time and PJ was placed in my arms at 4 days old. We have a closed adoption by bmom's choice.

IN all the process took about 3 months from application to placement. That said, the entire process of working through our options took about 3 years!

Good luck,

Jen