[sugarbabysmommy]

So I don't even know if I spelled shier right, or if it's spelled shyer-anyhow...


Babe seems to be getting more and more bashful. We are doing Germboree weekly, and progressively babe is becoming less and less interested and is beginning to down right protest going. Babe has a real issue with taking turns and prefers to wait until all kids are out of an area before trying a task or climbing. It's getting unpleasant for both of us which is not good, but babe needs to be with other kids. It's to the point if we are going to grandma's house babe will say,"Cousin's not going to be there, and cousin won't take my truck." Babe wants nothing to do with other kids. If we go to the park, babe will say,"There won't be other kids there." Saying it aloud will hopefully make it reality in babe's world.

These tendencies are not new, but as we spend mre time with other kids they are getting worse. To add to that I think babe is feeling some internal things from the stresses in our house with the loss of my mom. Babe had a total melt down last night when we left babe with grandma and grandpa so we could run an errand. Now babe spends every Friday with grandma, and we have other visits with grandma at our house, her house- but this was a melt down on the level of which I haven't seen in ages.

Any thoughts, any ideas from parents of shy or bashful kids? I want babe to feel confident and comfortable, whether or not babe tends to be shy. That's part of babe's nature, but let's face it, the world doesn't like bashful kids.

[spaypets]

How old is she?

[sugarbabysmommy]

Oops, I guess age would help- two and a half.

[mommy3]

My son was very shy (we always called it "reserved" so he didn't get the "SHY" label when he was younger and he's still fairly careful now at 8. Honestly, I assisted him to get through some situations when he was your child's age and mainly allowed him to set his boundaries within reason. He needed time to get to know people, period and called it "needing his space." When we met people or they came to our home, we'd explain that he was a little (ha, a lot) reserved and liked to have a little space until he got to know them. With that, many times it only took 10 min., and then he'd be right in there enjoying himself. With adults it took longer, with children sometimes it took much less, depending on how pushy they were. Pushy NEVER worked for him.

Just prior to Kindergarten at 5, I MADE him start gymnastics and 1:1 swimming lessons, so he'd transition better. He had been in preschool for a few years, but he knew that setting very well. The pushing I did took some real maneuvering, but it helped him so much at that crossroads in his life.

For now, with your child, my thoughts are that you need to give your child the space to be his/herself. I remember talking with a very outgoing checker at the groc store (who is a college student) who told me once after he'd talked to my ds (and my ds didn't answer) when my ds was about 3, "Oh, don't worry, I was so shy when I was little, and now I'm involved in everything -- it's cool to be able to be yourself."

Just my 2 cents. susan

[crick]

Sugar - do you do any "play date" type things where it's just 1 child over to play for a bit? Or you and babe go to another child's house for some play? It may be the crowd thing or too much noise and stimulation too that bothers him. Maybe start out slow and just have it be a one on one situation for awhile would help?

2 1/2 is still young though for structered play. Sure, some kids really like it, but really it isn't a necessary part of their development at this age either. Just my opinion...of course! Being around people is good I think, but if it stresses him out that much, I wouldn't push it and maybe just do the one on one thing.

With the meltdown...while I do believe kids respond to stress of their parents, I also think sometimes they just have off days where they want mom and dad. Unless you see a pattern developing where he is distressed everytime he goes to Grandma, I would try not to read too much into it.

I'll also say that my 8 year old while not exactly reserved and will play in a group, prefers to be on his own. Just the way he is. Some kids think he's weird but usually after they get to know him a bit better, they like him. I try to encourage ds to participate a bit more in the beginning of things so that other kids get to know him a bit. But I don't push...he's perfectly happy going off on his own searching for bugs or whatever it is he sees. Sometimes group play just doesn't appeal to every kid all the time and that's okay.

Crick

[happygmom]

Dear Mommy3,

Is babe she or he? Not sure so I will use "he".

I have a special place in my heart for the "shy" child. My oldest, a son - now 25, was the typical "shy" child. It was a real struggle to get him to interact, not cry around strangers, stay with babysitters .... you know it all! As he got older, I realized that, for him, his "shyness" was just his way of saying "I am a very private person, please do not violate my space". My big moment of revelation was when he was in the sixth grade. He had to write an essay on peer pressure and bullying. He wrote a nice factual essay on statistics, on school policies, etc. His teacher asked him to do a rewrite and discuss his feelings about the topic. He showed me his teacher's comments with big tears in his eyes and said, "but, Mom, my feelings are none of her business."

Crick's comments are right on. I would like to add that you are doing the right thing by not letting anyone label him as "shy". He is reserved and has a strong sense of his own space - very wise and mature for a 2 1/2 year old, IMHO! My advice is to gentlely encourage him in social situations. Be supportive but don't push. If he pulls back, let him and don't let anyone criticize him for his reaction. People can be very ignorant sometimes! He may prefer more mature, more cognitive actvities. Quiet library story hour, art, one-on-one games, etc.

As he grows older, help him to understand and develop his special qualities. Look for opportunites to encourage and reward him for interacting. When my son was about 12, he hated to use the telephone. He had saved his money to buy a "Game-Boy" but I told that he could not buy it unless he found the cheapest price. He faced his fear and called all of the stores in our area and figured out how to deal with indifferent, impatient people to reach his goal. I was so proud!!

With your non-judgmental support, your son will learn to interact with others in a way that is comfortable for him. You will develop a deep, strong bond with him as you help him to appreciate the world on his terms. You will become his sounding board and his cheerleader for life!! (Lucky us!)

How is my "baby" doing? He is still very private about his feelings but has a wide circle of friends, a beautiful fiance, a very successful career, and adores my husband and me because we encouraged but never pushed.

You are so lucky to have a very special, sensitive child!!

Happy G'Ma

[redhedded]

Sugar, You have gotten such thoughtful and right on advice from moms who have been there. I will tell you that while my babe is very sociable and approaches people to visit (mostly adults), she much prefers to be with just us and spend time alone. There were many periods when she would look away if others looked at her or talked to her; she always prefers quiet one to one activities than a crowd of loud mates at the playground. She will avoid that experience every time.

Go with your gut and support her in being who she is. Take her out and have fun; if she wants to play and open up, she will. If she doesn't, she knows that is perfectly great too.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Thank you ladies, truly. None of my friends IRL have reserved kids so I have no perspective and feel like we're living in a bubble. It is so helpful to hear all your stories, and your reminders that babe does know what babe needs.

When it comes to adults babe is pretty good at making decisions about interaction, but when we're in Germboree babe's internal struggle is most acute. Sometimes its hard to watch babe want so badly to join in but be unable to.

Everyday I try to give babe words, one day I said something about personal space and that it's ok not to feel like sharing that space. Gotta' love it, babe picked up on those words and the concept like wildfire! We went to Germboree that day and when another child rushed babe, I heard babe saying to me, "That little girl's in my space. And again, later that day when our cat come wondering by for a pet, between us, babe said, "Kitty is in my space."

Again, thanks. I've calmed down and am going to take more time to revel in babe's uniqueness, and worry less about all the other voices. I do have a confession, I dread preschool. I know, don't borrow trouble...

[spaypets]

Sugar, I'm cracking up about GERMboree -- exactly what DH would call it.

Have you thought about doing swimming lessons with babe? -- I think at that age it's still in the pool with Mama--so she's near other children but held by you. It will get her used to their presence but still in your safety.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Spay, we did swim class for a short time last year and I'd love to do more lessons. I'm not big on freezing my butt off and niether is babe. Unfortunately there are no indoor pools in our area so our pools have seasons of operation that typically end in September and October. If I wanted to take adult swim aerobics or be on the swim team, no problem. It's too bad that the public pool has the shortest season of all only lasting about four months. It's also too bad that our community has litterally CHASED away the Y. Thank you for the reminder, another to plan for.

[spaypets]

Gosh, even we have a Y within half an hour (two actually) and I live in the boonies. That stinks!

[Bassette]

I'm not sure I have any advice but wanted to share that we have been going through a similar situation with Kiran, who is now 27 months. He was such a friendly infant but somewhere between 12-18 months he became very bashful toward adults. He migrates to children and has no problems socializing with them but is so shy around adults that if they persist in trying to talk directly to him he will scream. It has gotten worse as he has gotten older.

Sometimes I stay at preschool with him to help the teachers who have their hands full with a room full of 2 year olds. Of 12, only 1 seems well adjusted socially with adults *and* children. Some are fine with adults while playing or doing activities at what I imagine is a safe distance (to them) from the other children. I"m not sure if you can gather anything from that observation,.....perhaps it indicates that your babe is going through a normal phase? I admit,...I don't know. *hehe*

[sugarbabysmommy]

Oooo, screaming, now that would be hard. We get remarks if babe doesn't say anything let alone do the typical greetings with adults. One even said,"What's wrong with your kid?" after babe wouldn't say hello. Nice. I can't imagine the sorts of remarks screaming would bring on. I'm impressed your little guy is in preschool and that you're able to walk out the door at all.

There are a couple of other little ones who seem at babe's speed in Germboree and I am close to offering my phone number for playdates, bonus is they have nice moms too. I do think the one on one playdate with a similar child will help. Babe's cousin is one and a half and a bit of a charger and grabber, so their one on one's aren't going so well right now. Doesn't help that my SIL insists on loudly saying,"Incoming," anytime her kid runs toward mine- that just amps up the anxiety. I've told her to stop more than once, she's now pissed at me.

I don't know either

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by sugarbabysmommy

We get remarks if babe doesn't say anything let alone do the typical greetings with adults. One even said,"What's wrong with your kid?" after babe wouldn't say hello. Nice.

I can so relate - I used to get comments like that about my son! I forced myself to smile and say something like "My son is a thinker. He prefers to evaluate situations before he acts. I'm so proud of that!" Stay positive in those unpleasant encounters. Your babe will pick up on your attitude. Our culture is not always kind to thoughtful, reflective types. I had some friends who questioned my son's intelligence because he didn't blab away incessantly about nothing. {Warning - unashamed parental bragging ahead} In fact, his IQ is wwaayyy high. Quiet don't mean stupid folks!!!

Preschool went fine for my son. He had a lot of separation anxiety from the time that he was an infant. I was a nervous wreak on the first day of school but had I briefed his teachers, and they were absolutely wonderful about making him feel comfortable. Whew!!

I am just amazed that your babe is vocalizing a sense of personal space. What a smartie you have and what wise parent you are to arm your child with the tools to express feelings about limits.

Hang in there and stay positive. You have a special child.

Happy G'Ma

[BabsCanada]

Well I won't be much help here except maybe to reassure -
My dd recently turned 9, and while we have always referred to her as 'reserved', her first report card this year included the word 'shy' - which she is, I guess, but it's not my favourite description of her!
I remember an earlier report card pointing out that she was so 'quiet' and I was kind of offended because to me, the opposite of quiet would be the kid who is bouncing off the walls, and is that what the teacher wants? (I think not!!)
Anyway, dd absolutely never speaks to adult strangers. In a waiting room, if an adult attempts to talk to her, she looks at me first then ducks her head and doesn't speak. She will talk to other kids, even if she doesn't know them, but it takes a while. She has made lots of friends. She's not exactly a loner; but she isn't an extrovert either.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate dd's nature. I am certain I wouldn't have the patience for a child who demands attention or constant interaction. She is absolutely the perfect child for our family, and if we get an occasional 'shy' comment, well so be it.
I have a term for some of dd's friends and acquaintances, and that is 'high maintenance'. Sorry! but if I had my druthers, and I usually do! those are the kids that I least encourage her to invite over or along with us.
I think, at 2-1/2, being 'reserved' is simply just your child's nature, and I don't see it as a negative. She will develop her own interests and want to be involved in activities that she likes. Too bad swimming lessons aren't easily accessible for you, that was one that our girl loved. But especially at that age, anything else we tried, gym nites, etc., were just horrible and we didn't push it. She was always overwhelmed by the more aggressive kids.
Now at 9, like I said, she is sociable enough without being 'high maintenance'. She has friends, and for the most part, they are easy-going like her.
I wouldn't worry!
Babs