[pinkheart]

I need some advice on how to handle this one??? Here is a little history, we adopted a family member's baby and the birthmom is 18 and in college now and is doing well but on the weekends she comes home and stays with my parents and we are planning a trip so my parents can see their new grandchild. We feel that we want our baby to see the birthmom if she wants to but we feel it would be hard for us to all stay under the same roof for 2 weekends in a row since this will also be our first visit with the birthmom since the baby was born. My mom thinks that just let things happen and my husband and i feel we should get a hotel for the 2 weekends to give her space and us as well and we will stay with my parents during the week while she is in college. We talk to her on the phone 2-3 times a month but she doesn't ask about the baby , but she told my mom she wants to see us and the baby. The birthmom has no other place to go on weekends besides my parents or the college and I want her to be able to go to my parents if she wants and I could not tell her not to because we are going home. My parents let her stay with then and I sometimes feel upset because since the adoption I feel like my parents home is her home and it is but I fell left out.My mom treats her more like a daughter than me some times and that hurts . I feel we all are not ready for a family sleepover. I want to know if I am right on getting a hotel for those days and we plan on during the day to see birthmom as much as she wants. We love the birthmom very much and we are also trying to deal with our feeling about seeing her for the first time with our baby. Please if anyone could give me some advice it would be great.

[cathy102]

I think you just need to follow your heart on this one. Since you haven't seen her since the baby was born, maybe it would be good to stay in a Hotel until you get to know her better. Who knows, maybe by the second weekend, you will be staying in your parents home. I think it's wonderful that your parents let her stay at their home. Sorry you feel like your mom is treating her more like a daughter than you. I would talk to your mom about that. Hope the 2 weekends go well for everyone...

[happygmom]

After our children were born, we eventually realized that everyone was happier with visits if we stayed in a hotel. Our parents did not have to lose sleep with crying babies, we stopped stressing out if the babies were fussy, we all had more space, and as our parents got older and had less energy for visits, they did not feel that they had host us 24/7. Overall, the visits were much more relaxed.

Good luck!

Happy G'Ma

[SchmennaLeigh]

For our first visit, we stayed in a hotel. Every visit after that has been all under one roof.

I would suggest asking the Birthmother what would make her feel most comfortable. You can get all the advice you want but if she's expecting you to do one thing or another and you don't approach her concerning something that is so vitally important to her healing... what good will it do? Simply state that you're looking out for her emotional well-being and ask which she would feel most comfortable with at this time.

[blessedbybug]

My feeling is you need to do what makes you comfortable, however, I do believe that communication is key here. You do not want your child's first mom to feel like you are avoiding her, yet you don't want to overwhelm her. I would talk with her, whether it is directly or through your parents.

It may be complicated by how you feel about how your parents are treating her vs. you. I would be very careful NOT to drag those feelings into the relationship with your child's birthmom, as it in most ways is a completely different issue. Your relnship with your Mom, your child's relnship with Gma, and your child's first mother's relnship with you and your child are all different and should be dealt with differently. For a first visit with your child's first mom, I would be very careful to focus on her feelings first, what would make her most comfortable and deal with the rest of it later. If I were her, and seeing your child for the first time, I think I would defintely want some space to deal with the emotions of it, to not be awakened in the middle of the night by cries, etc. But that may not be how she feels... talk to her.

I do hope your weekend goes smoothly. What a blessing to have this time with your child's first mother!!!

[LisaCA]

I'd stay in a hotel, for a couple of reasons, the main one being your parents. Dh's parents really wanted us to come visit and visited us when dd was small. we said okay, we'll stay with you-big mistake. grandpa was not ready for a baby, period, didn't understand what kids do, that they make noise, etc. Life would have been easier at a hotel.

2nd, you'll have space from bmom and your parents, which you may want from time to time.

Just make it seem as if your child is a loud one and you're doing this sacrifice for the betterment of all, then enjoy the cool hotel you've picked out. view it as a chance for pampering yourself when your child's asleep.

your parent's may see bmom as someone who needs some attention at this moment, and they've probably forgotten that you need attention too. A gentle reminder would probably be useful. I know my parents would have focused on bmom if I brought her home ten years ago: dad cooking everthing for her and mom just focusing on her. They do that same thing to my husband-ick. anyway, i hope it all works out for you all. have fun,

Lisa

[icunurse]

Personally, I'd stay in a hotel, at least for this visit. Not only to give everyone some quiet during the night and give you/DH some breathing room, but just to give bmom some time/space, too. The first visit(s) might be harder than she can even imagine right now, so while she may not think it will be a problem, she may also not know exactly how she will feel. And I think to have to deal with 2 whole weekends of it would be really hard. You could always try and book a hotel with a very liberal cancellation policy (several let you cancel mere hours before arrival and don't charge a cancellation fee). That way, it's there if you need it, but you can cancel if things go well. I would also make a point of mentioning your trip dates to bmom, as she may choose to not come home that weekend (if she thinks it is too much too soon) or at least give her some time to prepare. Good luck.