[tall cool one]

Our adopted daughter is 4 months old and we are starting to get THE question. "When are you going to have another one?"

Honestly, for me, our adoption process was something I think we handled well as a couple. It was an experience that was tough, but it brought us closer together as a couple. We were mostly patient and positive in good times and in bad. Financially, we made some sacrifices but with the help of an inheritance, it has been relatively painless with the exception of the wiping out of a good chunk of our savings. Without the inheritance we would have had to borrow almost all of the expenses.

In adopting our girl, I was totally passionate about it. Now, I really have no feeling of passion or desire for a 2nd child at this point. For a 2nd child we would have to borrow the entire amount of money required which would put us in some financial stress if we go the same route as the first adoption(private adoption through an adoption attorney). Preparing for our retirement also concerns me when making this kind of financial commitment for kid #2.

If we adopted a 2nd child, I know I would love him or her but I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to provide my children with the opportunities(such as help with college costs, $ for trips and activities, general life wants and needs, etc.) that I know I will be able to provide 1 child.

On the other hand, I know how much I love and care about my brothers. Is it fair to deny my daughter a sibling?

I know I brought up a lot of negatives here. I am not opposed kid #2. I am just venting my concerns and fears about it.

What do you think?

[Lexmom]

We are in a similar situation. Our son is a little over two and we've been getting the "question" for the past year and a half. We share the same concerns about expense and ability to provide for a second child without taking away from our first. At this time, we're content with only one child.

To answer your question, you should do what you feel you want and can handle. Do not let anyone else pressure you into something you don't want.

We, too, would love any child if we were to adopt a second, but right now we wouldn't be able to afford a second without it cutting into our retirement and our son's comfort. We've decided to follow the wise philosophy of "living within our means." That means one child for us.

[icunurse]

Whatever you decide, as long as the decision is made by/for you and DH, will be the right one. Geez....people usually give a woman who gave birth a little more time than 4 months before they start asking about the next one! Enjoy your little girl now and your answer will come to you with time.

[tobeafamily]

It's the $64,000 question most of us parents of one ask -whether our children come to us by birth or adoption.

The answer is simple. It's a question, actually, that only you can answer. There is no right or wrong way to answer it.

The question:

Do you in your heart feel the call to parent another child? Do you feel driven by the same forces that brought you to parent your first child again?

If yes, then go for it.

If not, then you're complete.

For us, we're a 'one and done' family. We love our son, we feel complete as a family. Both of us had siblings, and yes, we anguished over that. We're not young, so yes, we have to think about retirement too. At the end of the day though, our hearts are just full.

So don't listen so much to your head this time. Listen to that voice in your heart and you'll be just fine.

JMHO

Regina

[Bassette]

Originally Posted by icunurse

Whatever you decide, as long as the decision is made by/for you and DH, will be the right one.

I agree. Don't feel pressured by outside sources. Adoption, for most, is quite taxing and if it were me I would want to wait a bit and enjoy the little one before adding the distraction of a new adoption process.

I will add that as your newborn daughter grows and develops she will demand more time. Infants and toddlers take alot of time and effort and by the time your baby is a year old you might decide that you are not ready for a sibling until a certain point. For example, past the point of diapers or when she is old enough for preschool. Some people thrive with several little ones. Just look at our very own Summer (momof2cuties). Three in diapies and one more newborn due very soon. Wowers, I don't know how she does it, but she *does it* and seem to do so effectively and with much joy. I, on the other hand, function best as a mother to one babe in dipes at a time.

To each his own. Give it much thought and decide what is best for you and your daughter. Having a sibling can be very rewarding, but it's not unfair to raise a single child.

Oh, I also wanted to mention that as a financial option you can look into the foster to adopt program in your state. There is a forum for every state within adoption.com and the fees can be almost nil. Take care.

[LisaCA]

one thing you mentioned was $ for trips and activities. It sounded familiar: I've heard similar things from other parents at the park etc. Not that this applies to you, but there's a trend here for having one kid and spoiling them rotten (or providing for their needs, depending on your point of view). I'm not going to go off on a rant here but I'd just say that as others have said, only you guys can make that decision. One thing to think about is whether a child really needs all that you think they do. For some, the basic necessities include travel overseas, many vacations, extra classes, music lessons, etc. For others, the basics don't include these. We're thinking this thru ourselves, about what are basic necessities for us and what are luxuries. anyway, just a few thoughts. each answer is very individual.

Lisa

[meimaemomma]

I know - believe me, I know - that adoption takes a very long time. We waited too long to start, I think. But four months is so soon! I couldn't have made any sort of decision while parenting a 4 mo, let alone a major life decision! Pressed at that time, I probably would have said there was no way we could parent another. And most people didn't start pressuring me until ds was two. And even then it seemed early to get the question.

[lisa in venice]

I have to agree with Miemeasmom on that one. I KNEW I wanted more kids but couldn't even contemplate #2 until Nathan was over two. After #3 I coudn't think about # 4 until Sam was over three so I wouldn't worry about your ambivilance at this point. For me having an only child was never really an option. I can see the advntages but they never seemed enough for me. If Nathan had been an only child he probably would have done better in school because we would have spent more time MAKING SURE he did. He would have been in private school for longer and we would not be totally stressed at this point (half way thru his Jr year in highschool) about how in the world we are going to pay for college. There would have been more trips not only because we would have more money but the sheer logisitics of traveling with two, three or in our case four children does not make for a carefree vacation. He would have new instead of used sports equipment at Christmas and a more orderly life with a quieter house where his mom was not juggling activites of several kids in several differnt school with different schedules. Dh and might have nicer cars and more cool "stuff" but there were other things that I valued over those things.

I value sibling relationships. I don't think I would be sane if not for my brother and my cousins (who grew up in the same house so sort of like sibs) and I KNEW I was not sane enough to have an only child. I joke with my kids all of the time about what it would be like if I could concentrate all of my motherly "energy" one just one of them. It frightens them terribly. I worried that my kid needed allies, others who could confirm to him that it was not him but that those grown ups (their parents) are just plain crazy. I like the interplay between kids as they grow up; not just the sweet moments when they are giggling together late at night instead of sleeping but even the fights are valuable. The tug of war to carve out your place in the world, the need to negociate and compromise at almost every turn. I can't spend the kind of time with each child that I could if they were onlies but if they were onlies they would have no one lese to depend on. I think we often discount the value of those relationships. If Nathan was an only he would never have to prod his sister out of bed and get a spoon for his little brother's breakfast, change his littlest sister's diaper and do over his proded sister's math homework BEFORE we get in the car to drive him to school. But he also wouldn't have that sister to go surfing with at the crack of dawn in the winter or just hang out with on summer afternoons on th board walk. He wouldn't have a little "tag-along" brother who idolizes him and a toddler who runs behimd him chanting "wuv you na-na". How does that balance against having to pay off student loans? I don't know and only time will tell but right now it really seeemed like the right thing to do. One last note that should put my opinion in context: I am chronically addicted to chaos so for me one child would never be enough.

lisa

[Lexmom]

Some of the comments on here are playing into my fears of raising an only, but to be fair, we have to raise one child. We were financially tapped to adopt just one. Even with one child, we shop second hand stores, mom-to-mom sales, and given hand-me-downs from friends and family. If you can't afford to raise more than one child, it does not mean that that one child will be spoiled. It means you are blessed with what you have and you do your best. Since our child is an only and we want him to have interactions with others, we make sure to participate in play groups and have our son hang out with his cousins. We have even gone to the extent of speaking to a child behavioralist (fortunately free of charge) concerning this fear. She assured us that as long as we continue to encourage our child to interact with others, these other children play the same role as brother or sister would. So, in conclusion, it is your decision and your life situation that dictates whether or not to raise and only, but just because someone choses or is in a situation where they can only have one child, does not mean that child will play into the terrible stereotype of the "spoiled only."

[ajjhmf]

I think you have time to think about it before making a decision. 4mos is pretty young so you have time to consider this once your daughter is older.

No one asks a women who just gave birth 4 months ago when she's having another one, so I really think the same courtesy should be shown to adoptive families as well.

Take a deep breath, relax and enjoy your daughter. And when people ask if your doing it again, tell them to mind their own business.

Blessings,
Jenny

[LisaCA]

just a clarification: by no means do I think that having one kid means you will spoil them rotten. it's just that in my neighborhood and the ones around us, there are many people who are spoiling their kids rotten. I'd just like people to do a reality check about what a child really needs. I admire those who know their financial limitations-they've done that math, thought about what a child needs and have acted accordingly. I just wish more folks, even if they're filthy rich, really think about what a child needs vs what you want to give your child. I think with adoption we tend to already do that, given the whole emphasis on finances, but others don't. I found that when I really thought about what my daughter needed and what I wanted for her, that a reality check was in order (a smack upside the head so to speak ). In talking to some other moms and dads, we've all reevaluated what we thought we needed to provide our child. It was not to imply that a single child is guaranteed to be spoiled. Here in Los angeles, the single child is very popular due to private school costs etc.

[tall cool one]

Thanks everyone for your input up to this point. We're not ruling out another child at this point. We are definitely savoring every moment with our daughter. We are currently 36 and 37 years of age. We are planning to wait until next summer to start talking about where we want to go in regards to adoption. Our daughter has been a true blessing for us. I hope she feels the same way some day about us. Right now she just coos and giggles a lot. But, I think she's pretty happy.

I'm not that concerned about spoiling our daughter because I think we have a good understanding of what kind of person we want our daughter to be and I think we have a decent idea on how to do that. I'll let you know in 20 years or so how it turns out.

What I am concerned about is stretching ourselves too far financially if we attempt to adopt kid #2 to the point where we HAVE to work too long(We both teach and we know too many people that teach too long. It's not fair to the students) or to the point where we are so in debt that we never recover.

Don't let this post be the end of the thread if you have something to say. I value the opinions of all that have posted thus far and will look forward to reading your responses.

[LisaCA]

one of the things that we worried about, esp. given our age, was that we wanted a secure future for ourselves so that we would not be a financial burden on our child(ren), so I know that is a very real concern. our feeling was that our children would appreciate this as they grew older. It's so hard to predict the future .

congrats on your daughter!

Lisa

[redhedded]

tallcoolone, We have two children now, though we really expected our daughter to be an only child. We felt complete as a family and did not feel an obligation to provide her with a sibling. While I adore my sister and she adores me, I think siblings can be overrated. I know many people who avoid theirs and some who hate theirs. Your family is the circle that surrounds you with love, support and encouragment; sometimes those people are related. Sometimes they are not.

We were given the opportunity to adopt again. My daughter loves her brother, who is 11 months old. No one can make him laugh like she can, and he thinks she hung the moon. Watching the bond that they have built and share is amazing and such a joy. I was not sure that I could love another child as much as I loved her, which has been a fear of every person I know who became a parent for the second time. Not surprisingly, your heart opens and you love the second just as you did the first.

For us, two will be our limit, because there are certain things for our future and theirs that we feel is our obligation, being secure until our deaths and providing both of them with a college education and security.

Good luck whatever you decide.

[karie]

We have one precious daughter, 18 months old and she is the Sunshine of our lives! We are happy being a family of 3 and I don't let anyone try to make me feel other wise about adopting a 2nd! We all know the money with adoption , the wait, the whole process is so totally worth it, but everyone has to do what is best for their families! For us, our daughter has completed our family. And besides, we are both 44 and 45, and we want to save for retirement, and provide our daughter with every good opportunity for her, and NOT to spoil her, but to love her and provide!
Karie