[6furbabies]

Hi Everyone,

I am a single adoptive mom-to-be and I am having a hard time with deciding what route is best for me. I just wanted to hear some adoption stories. How did you decide how you wanted to adopt (domestic, international, foster to adopt) and can you list some pros & cons of that type of adoption for me?

Thanks!

[Casey677]

This is a really hard post to answer, since the decision is really a personal one for most people. We opted for domestic. My dh had his heart set on having the parenting experience from day 1 of baby's life. Our dd was placed in our arms at 12 hours old.

Pros:
* I love that we know bparent info that I can share with dd.
* I love that we got to spend a lot of time with dd's bmom at the hospital and while we were waiting on ICPC. The pictures from that time are priceless to me.
* I love that we got a letter from her that will one day mean the world to dd - and I am sure that there are more to come.
* I love getting photo packages together to send to her. DD changes so much and I know how important the photos are to her bmom.

Cons:
* The unpredictability of the process.
* The heartbreak from failed tries. We had three- one after spending three days in the hospital with a baby boy.
* Our wait was 13 months total. Granted part of this was our fault since we initially signed on with an agency that we were much less than pleased with. We did not research properly!

[nsanders]

We first chose international and adopted our son from Taiwan. We really liked the program. (but, I don't think they accept singles)

Now, we are doing Fost- Adopt. Obviously, we understood the need here and felt more comfortable in the process, etc,

China is a great option. There are several single Moms in our playgroup with daughters from China. One of the Mom's I know is in Kazakstan (sp?) right now for her 2 nd daughter.

It depends on which variables you are comfortable with.

Adoptee, Bio-Mom, Adoptive Mom, Waiting Mom

[LisaCA]

hi,

we did a domestic agency adoption. I met dd when she was just over 24 hours old (had to fly from CA to IL).

pros:

-dd not only knows her bfamily but we have added everyone to our family tree. dd has grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, greatgrandparents, all from bfamily side. add our relatives and wow, that's a lot of family!

- I also spent the day with dd in the hospital with her bmom and I have fantastic stories and pictures of that day, watching bgrandma with her, baunts, friends, etc. We also spent the week (while waiting for permission to leave the state) visiting with bfamily-had one big family dinner that was great!

-the speed of the process. from homestudy completion to dd's placement was 4.5 weeks.

-it went incredibly smoothly, a very predictable process for us with this adoption.

-we adopted domestically because we wanted to help our community (AA). Feels good.

-no long stays overseas. we stayed in IL for one week total and then left. (we've since visited family)

-cost. for us costeffective compared to overseas programs.

Cons:
-the industry of adoption in general is a con for me, though I understand money also goes for services, etc.


overall it's been an incredibly positive process. dd's birth has brought three families together-a miracle in itself. There was risk in that dd's bmom could have decided to parent, but that was okay with us. Yes it would have been painful, but we came to this process knowing that risk and coming to terms with it. The risk and other issues such as open adoption depend upon you and your comfort level. It's important to know yourself and your spouse (if applicable) before you decide the type of adoption, who you are and what you're comfortable with.

[carriewoman]

Hi,

When we first looked into adoption we went with independent. In our opinion here are some pros and cons

pros...
-there's a chance at a good relationship with the birth parents and extended family because you talk directly to them and/or through your lawyer and thiers
-you'll probably know a little more family background and medical info for the child than with foster/adopt
- you may have the chance to be with the birth mom for part of the pregnancy and delivery (as with some domestic agencies)
-you can personalize the process and relationship with the birth mom a little more than say through the state

cons...
-there are a lot of legalities, and it is sometimes hard to find out if you are going about things the right way
-you may not be able to find matches for longer periods of time
-you kind of have to solicite yourself unless you know the birthmom prior to adoption


agency-(only briefly checked into agencies... don't know the whole scoop)

pros...
-you have your profile presented to many bmoms
-they most of the time handle the legalities
-they have experience
-they have programs to help the bmoms through as well as the child and aparents

cons...
-you usually pay a lot, non refundable, and as with any adoption there are no guarantees
-you may not get the whole picture of the process shown to you

Foster/adopt (this is how we adopted our 3 kiddos)

pros...
-the children need a family
-you go through some training, and there are parenting classes, first aid/cpr, and other classes made available to you
-you have a network of people whome you can ask questions and find out the info you need, plus you have advocates, and the children have advocates
-you don't have to pay huge fees, and you do get some assistance in raising the children to help you get on your feet. Very helpful for people like us who were looking to adopt one and couldn't help but take our 3 children
-you get help with food and medical coverage on the children from the state while foster, and secondary insurance (in some instances) when adoption is final
-if something comes up that you don't really know how to handle, you have help
-this parenting kinda does come with a manual, lol

cons...
-you may not get the whole scoop on what the children have, or have been through
-there are no guarantees that you will get to adopt the child
-you are a guardian while in foster (meaning the state sets the rules including simple things like hair cuts and field trips)
-you may have visitations, dr appointments, check ups, meetings, etc that you don't get to schedule (flexibility is important)
-you have a case worker and a GAL visiting your home quite often (I happened to love our case worker and GAL so it was not an issue at all)
-you can't just medicate your child, or put a band aid on a pretty big cut, or put your child in preschool/daycare, or go out of town, or peirce ears, (the list goes on) without your case workers approval first (sounds kinda hard, and sometimes was, but like I say, we (still) have a good relationship with our worker and GAL and it really wasn't a huge issue.)

There is a lot of info I could give you on foster adopt if you would like, and some helpful tips on things with independent adoption, I don't know much about international adoption, and only know a bit about agency adoption. But if I can help you with anything let me know!

good luck
:-) Carrie
p.s. all of thew above was just the opinions I got out of the brief times I looked into each..... people's opinions will vary and like previously posted, it is really about your personal preferences and interests.

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

As you can see, there are a lot of good reasons to do every type of adoption. Since international has not been talked about, I will give you some info on that.

I did international for my first adoption (Bulgaria) and am in process for my second (Kazakhstan). The pros are:

If the county is stable, the process is predictable. No waiting to be chosen by a birth family, you go through the steps and at the end, you bring home a child. Usually it takes about 1 year from start of paperwork to bringing the child home.

You can better choose your child – age, sex, health.

You get the experience of another country and culture. I was REALLY scared of this, but now I love it. I hold such a love for Bulgaria and the people I met there.

Some of the cons are:

Sometimes countries close. You need to mentally be prepared to switch countries.

The process often slows, or requirements change. Just when you think your dossier is done – wham a new form arrives!

It is harder to get answers. You are dealing with foreign governments, so you cannot always get answers to your questions.

The 2 trip heartache. Some countries require 2 trips. First to see and commit to a child. The second to pick them up. The wait between is hard. Not all countries have this, though.

I love international adoption. The children are in such need of a home. It is a rollercoaster ride. Often 2 steps forward, 1 step back. But, you do make it over the finish line.

Follow your heart, it will be your best guide.

Kay

[allanacw]

We went the foster to adopt route. The pro's and con's already listed are great ones!

We had looked into international adoption, but the fee's weren't something we wanted to take on. After doing more and more foster relief it cemented our decision to go through our local CAS (Children's Aid Society, we're in Canada).

A couple of con's not mentioned that we weren't prepared for:
-the parenting classes we had to attend were not terribly well done, and yet most people had to wait two years to attend them
-our workers had known our dd much longer than we had, so in some cases they approached situations with preconceived notions
-looking at the info written in black and white about a child's history can be daunting and almost misleading. It's good because it helps prepare you for what's ahead, but at the same time doesn't list the positive aspects.

We also really liked our workers (all 5 of them!). We're now in a semi-open adoption with dd's birthmom and see her bio sister on a regular basis, as well. What I wasn't prepared for with adoption was how wide it would open both our home and our heart.

Allana

[joskimo]

Here's another route to domestic that we took which is using a facilitator. We already had our homestudy when we signed on with the facilitator. We were matched in 7 weeks and dd was born 7 weeks later.

Pros:

* Our facilitator specialized in AA and BiR adoptions which was important to us
* It was a quick process
* The facilitator fee was not due until placement so we didn't have funds tied up unnecisarily - however the facilitator fee was one of the smallest expenses in the whole process
* We got to meet the bmom
* Baby was in our arms when she was less then 24 hours old

Cons:

*Domestic adoption always carries unknowns such as if the bmom decides to parent
* Waiting. With international you are almost always assured that in the end you will end up with your baby, with domestic you wait for match, you wait for birth, you wait for court, always wondering if things are going to fall apart.

Good luck with your decision -

[6furbabies]

Thank you for your responses everyone. This definately helps me to list the pros & cons of each type of adoption. As you all know, going into this is confusing & quite daunting! Thanks again!

[GCS]

I looked into adopting while I was single, even though DH and I were dating and serious, we had been together a long time and he didnt seem to be moving too quickly towards marriage. I was impatient to start a family and always wanted to adopt.
At that time I looked at China to adopt an infant girl. I was doing research and talking to agencies when DH proposed and we agreed to put the adoption on hold for a few years.
We werent sure if infertility was going to be an issue for us. He was 41 and I was 34 and neither of us had children. My brother and his wife went through years of IVF and then years to adopt domestically when that didnt work out so we had something to look at and discuss how we would move forward. We decided, before even trying to concieve, that we would try for one year and if it did not work we would look into international adoption (probably China).
Well, we got pregnant right away but our daughter died in utero during my 7th month and I got very, very sick. After a month in the hospital and months of physical therapy, we decided that we would adopt.
We knew we really wanted a boy and a girl. We thought about going to Russia for a boy and then China for a girl a few years later. In the end we decided to go to Russia for a toddler and an infant, a boy and a girl.

Why international adoption for us? After watching my brother and his wife lose domestic match up after match up and seeing the roller coaster they were on, we decided we couldnt do that. The foster to adopt program wasnt right for us. We didnt have to have a newborn baby. And we really think that the babies born today in the US have so many people who want to raise them, why not go to a place where there is a greater need?

For us international adoption was the best.
Why Russia? When we saw the numbers of children there who are living in orphanages we just felt that this was were we needed to go. We love that our children are from the same orphanage and share their heritage. We do want to adopt again and are looking to go back to Russia, but China has been calling my name for so long, we may end up there.

Christina

[Lorraine123]

We choose to adopt a waiting child from foster care. We did this because we felt that we could handle a special needs child and there is such a need for parents of these children.

Pros -
No worry of the birthparent getting reunified with the child.

Low cost.

Financial assistance from subsidy.

Cons -
No assurance of what the needs of the child will be.

Case workers don't always reveal the extent of the needs of the child.

[Howdy]

I'm single and I chose the foster-to-adopt route.

My motives were mostly financial (tho now that I know more about adoption benefits at work and tax credits, maybe I could have afforded adopting from China - China was the only place I'd heard about back then), but also partly because I wanted the option to return the child if the child had serious problems. My aunt and uncle adopted internationally (30+ years ago) and even though the child was only 2 yrs old when they got him from an orphanage, he had serious issues (RAD) and I just didn't want to risk having a life like they had.

One big benefit of doing fost-adopt is that I can leave all the effort of matching me with a kid to the county. The waiting isn't fun, but if I had to make an effort to find a kid and get rejected, that would be even less fun than passively waiting. Other than the botheration of doing the homestudy, the county takes care of all the paperwork and legal hassle (except I had to sign the petition to adopt), they go to the court days, they just do it all. It is very nice. Except when they surprised me with moving the child I thought I was going to get to adopt, but that comes with the territory, and after grieving the loss of the current kid, I would start getting all happy with anticipation of what the next kid would be like. In fact, I think once I get two keepers and have a few settled years, I would like to do some straight foster care off and on. It is a lot of fun to get a new kid (after carefully screening to be sure they don't have serious issues).

I adopted an older child (originally 7 yrs old when placed, now 9 yrs old). That turns out to have some pros and cons. It is nice that she can take care of her own personal grooming (brushing teeth etc), and it is great that she was already in school so I knew before deciding on the placement that she was smart, socially adept, well-behaved at school, etc. But the negative side is that she knows her parents' phone numbers, knows how to google their addresses, and might contact them at an age that is earlier than she should.

[redhedded]

6furbabies, I agree with Casey; this is a very personal choice. Just a few things to consider.

Are you comfortable/able to travel overseas several times or for one lengthy period? (Do you have someone to go with you)

Is cost a factor? (Remember that domestic adoption if using a full service agency is often similar to an international adoption while independent adoption is not.)

Are you prepared that many times expectant mothers who make an adoption plan and "match" with prospective parent(s) opt to parent? In many states, there is a revocation period, which permits a change of plan at any time during that period. (ie. 10 days to 30 days)

Foster to adopt programs vary greatly from state to state; some require that you foster first and do not permit you to specify foster to adopt only. Some seem to have quick placements while others take a very long time. Some states may require that you stay home/take time off post placement. Is that feasible?

We chose domestic adoption because we wanted to adopt here at home and wanted to parent from birth; we used an agency both times. We seriously considered international adoption after our first failed match; we experienced two. The benefit of experiencing every moment since their births far outweighed any risks for us. We have two children adopted at birth, born out of state; we arrived shortly after they entered the world.

Adoptions are not open, due to birthmother choice. We have total peace about that and know that if/when those feelings change, we are here and open to continued contact. Best of luck; sometimes getting started is so hard and overwhelming.

[6furbabies]

Thanks everyone. Redhedded, you hit the nail right on the head. I feel like if I could only decide what route to go, I could really get going on it (although I'm aware there's NO quick adoption process!). The "getting started" stage has been going on for quite some time now! I will settle on one route to go & then totally change my mind altogether. Wouldn't it be great to just put your name on a general list & be notified if anything promising comes up, whether it be fostering, domestic, or international adoption? LOL! Thanks again for the responses, everyone.

[rastachris]

We are in the process of our third adoption. When this next adoption happens (we're waiting to be matched), we will have completed all three major types of adoption: international, domestic agency and domestic independent (private) adoption. Our international experience was BY FAR the most painful, expensive and LONG process thus far. Our domestic agency experience took nine days from phone call to coming home, and so far our independent adoption experience has been wonderful. We've been waiting since late August and we're hopeful we'll be matched within the next six months (most of our facilitator's clients, which include good friends of ours, were matched within three months).

What drove us to do an international adoption was the myths we bought into regarding domestic adoption. What brought us to an agency adoption the second time around was the horrible experience of our international adoption and the excellent reputation of the agency we used. What has led us to use a local facilitator (we're in Southern California) is that she's local, she's highly respected and experienced, we'll get to have a more open adoption and the cost is comparatively low.

Our international adoption took 11 months and over $35000. Our domestic agency adoption cost about $20000, not including travel twice, and our estimated costs for our private adoption is $15 - 18K.

I hope this helps, and good luck to you!