[AMom2Two]

I was wondering how common this is? Am I alone? Is this rare? Has anyone else experienced this?

My mother shows no interest in my children. She could care less about them. I've withdrawn from her because of this. I won't allow her feelings to trickle down to my children. Before I adopted the first time, she said she could accept them, as long as they were the same race as we are. To me race didn't matter but I wanted them to be accepted so I stayed within our race. Now I find out this didn't matter at all. My children were adopted at birth too, but that didn't matter. I feel like my children got cheated when it comes to grandparents. I also feel like I can't share this with my children's bfamilies. We talk often. This is sure to make them feel terrible. What can I do when they ask me about my family seeing the kids? I don't like to be dishonest but I also don't want the bparents to feel they made a mistake in placing with our family. This news will surely make them sad and break their hearts.

Are there any other aparents out here who has lost their parent or parents support because of adoption? How did you handle it? Did you tell the bparents if you are in contact with them?

[momofmykids]

I'm sorry for the way your mother is treating your children. I can't imagine treating my children or grandchildren any differently just because they are adopted.

I'm in a similar situation. My mom is a really good grandma to my kids as long as she's not mad at me. I had the audacity to cross her about three weeks ago (actually I stood up to her for one of the few times in my life) and now she's not having anything to do with my kids. So, I kinda know how you feel. It's not fun, but it's life. I refuse to let her toy with my children like this, so when she eventually does call, the answer will be "no" if she wants to take them to the movies or whatever. It's not fair for her to take her anger towards me out on them (she generally gets them two weekends a month and we haven't seen her in about three weeks).

Oh well.

[qs mom]

I'm so sorry to hear such a thing.

I am fortunate in that my folks adore my son. He's just one of us, as my dad puts it.

But, I worked with a young woman who was adopted. He grandmother on her father's side of the family really couldn't be bothered with her. She treated her terribly - her entire life. SHE WASN't HER SON'S CHILD! That was this terrible old lady's reasoning.

You are doing the right thing in not exposing your children to a poisonous relationship.

The only thing I can say, is maybe they don't realize how poorly they've been acting. If they do, then, you need to keep doing what you do.

[LisaCA]

all our families have less desirable members and we make do. I think you're doing the right thing.

I wouldn't worry about discussing this with your kid's bparents, i'd just make sure that I waited a tad to be sure mom won't come around. if she isn't, then I'd break it to them. Make sure you stress that you're sorry you have to cut mom out of your life but you don't want them to affect the children. I'd be quite proud of you and I'd feel like I did the right thing placing the kids with you-I'd want a mom who would fight to the death and protect my child. sounds like you're doing just that.

is it possible to have bgrandparents step into the picture if they aren't already?

Lisa

[surfmama]

We are in this position, too. My parents are dead, but dh's parents are alive. They "tolerate" our kids at family get togethers that usually occur 1 or 2 times a year (we live 3 hours from them). But, no birthday cards or presents or any other percs like the other grandchildren get. My SIL let it slip that these kids were "not really their grandchildren because they aren't blood" and that made my blood boil!

My dh doesn't want to make trouble, so we generally downplay the grandparent role with our children. However, one of our adopted kids, now 1, has 3 bgrandparents who are very interested in contact with her and we will foster that. As far as telling them anything, we say we don't see dh's parents often and let it go at that.

[Missourimomtobe]

Ok, I'm going to add a slightly different view here. First - good for you for placing your children first and now allowing grandma's issues to impact them directly.

Second, I don't feel you have to explain anything to anyone. If you are asked specifically about the grandparents - by anyone! -, you can of course answer truthfully that "we haven't seen her that much lately" and leave it at that by changing the subject. You already said it would hurt the bio family to hear how she's treating them; why spread the pain around by going into detail? The more you share what's happening with other people, the more risk you run that your children will ultimately find out the real reasons behind why they don't see grandma - comments slip and kids have very big ears! I personally would not want my kids to hear about this from someone else.

Third, is there other family that your children visit or know? If so, they certainly can develop or maintain relationships with them to keep up family ties if that's really what you want. (Family is vastly overrated in some cases - lol!)

I understand your frustration - my in laws told us that they were glad we had gotten a white baby because they really couldn't have accepted a black one. My reaction (and my dh's)? "I hope you change your mind - because the next one might be black and we would hate not to share our lives with you." It's not easy to take a stand but you need to be in control of this situation and not let your mother's actions dictate ANYTHING in your life. If she has a problem with the kids, then it's her loss of your entire family IMO. This is not being mean; this is simply protecting your kids from her negativity. They'll get enough of that in life; they don't need it from a family member.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this but you're doing the right thing in keeping your kids away from her poison. Life is too short to waste on people who do not support you or your kids - period!

[jstunme]

Oh my gosh! I AM a grandma .... and I feel like I love this baby MORE BECAUSE of what my daughter went through to have him here!! I absolutely could not love him more!! He is my baby boy grandbaby

I also agree with the poster above - I would not see any need to share this with the bmom - there cannot be any reason to further the pain and worry her.

Mary

[ajjhmf]

I so wish this wasn't as common as it is. I've often felt that this subject is swept under the rug far too often when people adopt. I remember thinking, "Oh, that won't happen to me." But sure enough it did.

I am very lucky to be blessed with 2 kids. One through adoption, one through birth. My in-laws don't accept my son. I wish they did, for my kids sake as well as theirs, because they are truely missing out on 2 great little people. Because of this attitude, we don't have a relationship with them.

We've tried speaking to them about it, but they refuse to believe they are doing anything wrong. I'm not really sure how hurting a 6yo can not be considered wrong, but at this point, we're past trying. It's hard, as this will probably be our first Christmas without seeing them, but J's too aware of what's going on and this treatment hurts him. And I won't have that.

Luckily, my parents don't have this problem and so my kids will grow up with grandparents. And they more than make up for it since they live down the street. (Literally, 3 houses away. )

I know this is especially hard on my DH. He never thought his parents would treat his son like this. But he feels he needs to protect our kids from this and is doing so. It's rough, but we manage.

I don't know what to tell you about the birthparents, as our adoption is closed. But, I've always found honesty to be the best policy. Perhaps they will be angry, but most likely they will be angry at your mother. How sad for her that she's willing to divide her family over this.

Blessings,
Jenny

[cxk04d]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. DH and I were talking to his parents about our adoption and his dad said that we should only adopt within our race. We were so upset about this. We will accept any child that God brings into our family through adoption. I just don't understand some peoples ignorance about the color of skin.

[Hopp]

I was adopted...my grandmother never accepted me. Even up to the day she died, she didnt treat me the same as my cousins. EVERYONE else in the family did, but not her. I struggled up until I was about 13 to please her, and nothing worked. Finaly at some point when I was 13 or 14 I had a big fight with her. At first, I was angry. Then later, much later, that anger turned into a type of peace that just calmed me. I finally accepted that we wouldn't be close, I couldn't please her, and I would never be accepted as a grandchild. That I will tell you is a hard lesson.

I want to say to you that my mom did an amazing job in protecting me...always. I think it made me love her even more because she never intentionally put me in a bad situation with my grandmother, and if something (even small) happened with her mom, we didn't see them again for a long while. That protection my mom showed me was a gift that every child should experience. Because of it, I didn't feel any less loved, even dealing wth my grandmother.

I agree with the other posters, you don't owe anyone an explanation. You are right on target in thinking that you do owe your child the protection from that situation. Also, at some point your little one is going to figure this out. Try to shield them from it for as long as possible, and then be prepared for the POTENTIAL for a string of emotions. Your Mom is making this choice, and all choices have a consequence. The consequence here may need to be that she isn't around. That has to be the biggest blow to you, but it's one you may need to make to protect your child. You are the mommy now, and let your instinct be your guide...your child comes first now.

I wish you the very, very best.

-Dianna

[sadiegirl]

Amom,

I *sorta* know what you are going thru; DH's parents very rarely see DS and live literally 15 min away. My parents live 90 min away and see him MORE than them. I don't think it's an "adoption thing" b/c both DH and his brother are adopted.

It's starting to show tho, as DS, just this past Sun, just LOOKED at g-pa and started bawling!!! It's very obvious he doesn't know them well. And they have the gall to get upset about it!

We don't understand b/c g-pa retired in Jan and they have "all the time in the world", I stay home, so they could drop by anytime. And they've NEVER said "we're done raising our kids and not doing grandkids" type thing. DS is the 8th g-kid but the FIRST child for my DH. We are just baffled.

So we are doing what PP's have mentioned; my family thinks DS walks on water so we spend more time with them. Every kid needs to feel super duper loved, which is what he gets from my family. It's quite sad but their loss!

That's my advice, FWIW.

[spaypets]

((Amom)) So sorry you're dealing with this. I have no advice -- if anything my dd is the favorite grandchild with my parents and she's the only and much beloved with my inlaws.

I do have a question. Does your mother have other grandchildren whom she is interested in? It could just be that she's not interested in small children or any children. Have you spoken to her about this? Perhaps there's another issue besides adoption at play here. Just a thought. Hang in there.

[AMom2Two]

[quote=spaypetsI do have a question. Does your mother have other grandchildren whom she is interested in? It could just be that she's not interested in small children or any children. Have you spoken to her about this? Perhaps there's another issue besides adoption at play here. Just a thought. Hang in there.[/QUOTE]

Yes, she has grandchildren with both my sister and brother. She stays in close contact with them. I live 10 minutes away and she never ever comes by. I always accused her of not feeling the same about my children but she would deny, deny, deny it, saying all children are innocent and deserve to be loved. Yet her actions are very clear.

Just the other day, my brother confessed to me that our mother told him that she doesn't feel anything for my children. She said the last time she changed my baby's diaper, when he was only 3 months old, that it made her sick to her stomach. That was the last time she attempted to see them. All my attempts to spend time with her after that, were awful. The final straw was when she made a scene at my daughters 4 year old party. She wouldn't stay for it.

I thought I was alone with this issue. I'm glad that I am not.

[spaypets]

How terribly sad that your mother's love is so limited that she can't grow to love your children. I'm so sorry. Clearly, you need to find another maternal figure in your life.

[AMom2Two]

Thank you Spraypets.

It truly does help to know I am not alone with this issue. I was surprised at how many people have responded. To know that others have dealt with this, makes it easier somehow.

I won't allow this attitude around the children. I am blessed to have them and if my mother can not see it, then that will have to be her problem.

It hurts, but not as much as it did when I first posted this. I think a red flag should go up to any possible adoptive parents when your parents say, "just adopt within your race". To me, that shows they have some type of problem, deeper then race. JMHO

THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!!