[spaypets]

I didn't want to hijack another's thread about answering her daughter's questions about adoption with my own question.

My daughter, adopted from India at 18 months, will turn 4 in less than a month. We talk about her adoption regularly. I'd say about once a month or so I tell her the story of her life. Even though her favorite part is the part about meeting us, I try very hard to tell the story from when her bparents discovered their pregnancy. And we talk about the orphanage. And we read "My family is Forever" a book about adoption that mirrors her experience.

She's asked a few questions about being brown when we, her parents, are pink.

But she has asked few questions about her bparents or really anything about her reliquishment or placement. So, I'm wondering, how many people have kids who don't seem that curious and is this a good, worrisome or neutral thing? Am I not telling her story well enough or am I telling it well enough so it answers her questions? Is it that she doesn't yet get where babies come from (she's never really enquired, though I've tried to take opportunities to tell her they grow inside women and that some children live with the parents they're born to and some don't).

Tempermentally, she's an easy going kid who doesn't get worried about stuff in general (unlike her high strung parents). Do you think it's just her personality, or a function of her age?

Can't wait to hear what everyone says.

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

My daughter is 4.5, adopted at 2 from Bulgaria. I probably only mention her story once every few months, although frequency is picking up since we are in process (a VERY LONG process) of adopting a sister.

She has no curiosity about her birth parents. All she wants to hear about is when we met, bringing her home and what she was like as a baby. I do not push the birthmother story. I figure when she asks, then she is ready to hear it.

She also understands babies coming out of tummies, and how some stay with their birthmother, and other children get new mommies. She knows she came out of someone else’s tummy.

The last time we talked about it, and we discussed the birthmom and the orphanage she replied "But mom, that is not fair!!" I asked her what was not fair, and her reply was "But I am supposed to be with you forever and ever!"

Just gotta love her!

Kay

[HappyTwinsMom]

My daughters turned four in May, and they never ask or talk about their adoption. It appears to be a "non-issue" with them at this point in time. We mention their birthmom regularly and talk about the adoption often, but no interest. I figure the day will come when they show some interest, so we'll just keep on keeping on!

[echaos]

Liam is only just 3 so he doesn't really "get" it yet.

But thinking back to when I was a kid, I too was more concerned with my part of the story and not the part about some lady I didn't know... she was just a secondary character in my story.

It wasn't until I was about 9 or 10 that I started to question more about her involvement.

[ajjhmf]

Jwas 4 when he came home. He'd spent his first 4 years in foster care. We've also talked alot about his story and adoption. He can come to us anytime to talk about his past and we bring it up when the occassion is right just to let him know we're okay with him asking questions.

At this point in his life, he's sort of processed all the information he has and doesn't really want more. Every few months he'll talk about his foster family (He never mentions bmom because he really only knows her from pictures.), but he has no interest in calling them. He mentions his brother and his family, but again, nothing more.

I think that when he's ready, he'll ask for more info and we'll give it to him them. He knows he can talk to us at anytime about this, but right now he's just hapy with they way things are and what he knows about them.

At first I thought it was odd that J was like this, then I realized that his adoption is only part of his life, not who he is. He defines himself as our son and H's brother. Adoption is a part of his past right now and he's okay with that.

It may be that your daughter is happy with who she is and with what she knows and will want to know more when she is ready.

Blessings,
Jenny

[momofmykids]

I think it shows that your daughter is very bonded with you and feels good about her home. My kids rarely ask (can't remember the last time), although I bring it up occasionally. We do get calls from one of the bmoms and I always tell them. They usually give me an "okay, mom" look and go about their business.

So, in a nutshell, I think it's a good thing!

[Sunshine Mom]

I think it shows that your daughter is very bonded with you and feels good about her home. My kids rarely ask (can't remember the last time), although I bring it up occasionally.

On the flip side, I think its important to also know that if your child IS talking alot about their birth parents or adoption that that doesnt mean they arent bonded with you or secure, it just means they are thinking about this younger than the average child. The important thing is that the adults are comfortable with the talk, and understand that just because a child isnt talking about an important issue doesnt mean they arent thinking about it.

[redhedded]

Spay, Of course you are doing a great job providing information for your dd. I think their little personalities may sometimes affect the questions that they ask, how and when but also think that developmental age has much to do with it. I have read (many places) that most kids do not really questioning until 5-7; of course, all kids are different.

On the flip side, I think its important to also know that if your child IS talking alot about their birth parents or adoption that that doesnt mean they arent bonded with you or secure, it just means they are thinking about this

Thanks for this Sunshine Mom; my dd has been with us since the day of her birth and is totally bonded to us. She asks lots and lots of questions about adoption. She is also an extremely happy and comfortable child but has an insatiable appetite for information (about everything)! In her case, it began in relation to the human body and it's functions, her obsession.

We let her, because she does, broach the subject; we talk openly and do a lot of what Mom on the other thread mentioned, discussing what birthmom is doing. I mentioned several months back how we had a discussion about the moon; dd asked if I though birthmother had seen it. I said that I did not know but that she could see it just as dd did. We do not ever reference adoption to/with others; however, she has started doing so.

Two days ago when we were leaving Target, an employee said, 'you sure are a cute girl!' She responded with, "thank you. you know, I am adopted, and my brother is adopted. Do you know what that means?" The woman seemed a little stunned; I smiled big and kept going.

[Hopp]

Originally Posted by jfenner

...then I realized that his adoption is only part of his life, not who he is. He defines himself as our son and H's brother. Adoption is a part of his past right now and he's okay with that.

What a great perspective!

[momofmykids]

Originally Posted by Sunshine Mom

On the flip side, I think its important to also know that if your child IS talking alot about their birth parents or adoption that that doesnt mean they arent bonded with you or secure, it just means they are thinking about this younger than the average child.

That was not at ALL what I meant!!! I didn't say it to make anyone feel bad if their child is asking alot of questions. I was trying to give Spay a "pat on the back" for the awesome job she's doing parenting. Gee...

[lisa in venice]

My ds who had the most issues with loss involving his adoption and birth parents (closed adoption) never asked a single question and seemed quite uninterested until a couple months before his 5th birthday. Suddenly he was asking very difficult questions. On the other hand my dd asked questions from jump street and never had the same grief reaction her older brother did. Kids are differnt and some ask questions and some don't, some grieve the loss deeply as part of their coming to terms with the adoption expereince and others don't. I wouldn't worry about it and just let her take the lead. She will let you know what she needs.

lisa

[qs mom]

My son was very close to the age of 3 when I brought him home from Bulgaria - (HI KAY!) He is now 5. He lived in an orphanage for 2 years.

I tell him his birth story quite a bit. Usually as a bedtime story. He often asks for it. But he also likes the coming home part.

I have never spoken the word orphanage to him. I just say that a woman named 'R' had a baby boy that she called "I". But then she couldn't take care of him and brought him to live with "dr. K" until his mama could come get him. And his mama flew far, far away and called him 'Q.I'. And then the homecoming.

He really hasn't asked many questions. When I told him about living with dr k., he said that was where the man hurt him and he kind of left it at that.

He has recently started talking about when he was a little baby - remember, mom? So, I'm sure more questions will be coming.

Although, in the last 2 years, we've never known anyone who's been pregnant. So, the baby growing in the belly, and being born to a woman, doesn't really seem to be a concept that he knows about.

I think her questions are age appropriate. Give her a year and she'll start asking questions.