[Mary Lu]

If you adopted a child/children years ago, who you raised in a loving family to adulthood, how were you affected by the news that your child and his or her birth family found each other on this website or through another channel?

What advice would you give to other adoptees and birth families to help prevent this from being a hurtful experience for the adoptive family?

Or, for that matter, if you're an adopted adult or birth family member who faced this challenge, what would you do over again or NOT do again? How did the support or non-support of the adoptive family impact your reunion?

Thanks for your input.

[JPDakota]

Well, I'm a little sideways on your question, but you might find the input at least a little helpful. I am an adoptee and an adoptive parent. My parents were always completely supportive of me connecting with my birthparents. I had never had any desire to, so I just haven't. My adoptive brother did, though, with my parents' assistance. It was a disaster! Years later we're still trying to help him pick up the pieces. Mother would no doubt face me searching with much trepidation now because of what happened to my brother. As parents, you never want your children to suffer. I think part of the reluctance some parents have about their children connecting with the birthparents is that they can't stand to see their children hurt.
My baby is only 4 months old right now. We have a closed adoption. (We believe that a closed adoption is much better for the children, although that comment should get me some negative feedback.) Anyway, we have a letter her bmother wrote to her along with a picture of the bmother and DD's older half sister. We fully intend to share that with her when she's old enough to understand. The letter is beautiful and explains the relinquishment, and DD will no doubt be asking about people who "look like her". That's natural.
So, I wouldn't search myself, but I am not necessarily opposed to DD looking when she gets older.
Not sure that makes a lot of sense, but there you have it.

[lisa in venice]

My kids are still minors so many search doors are closd to them. I have offered to hire a PI whent hey tured 12 but so far neiter of them has taken me up on it. My older ds kinda does some very half hearted i nternet searches but I don't think he is really ready to deal with it. I would encouraage them to search and will help them in anyway I can.

lisa

[wenrl]

MaryLu,

I am an adoptive mom. In my opinion, it is very natural for adopted children to wonder about their birth families. My advice to the adoptive parents is to attempt to see it from the adoptees point of view. No matter how great and loving a-parents are, I would guess it is hard not to wonder about so many things. For example, where do my looks and mannerisms come from, why was I put up for adoption, do I have birth siblings, does my birth family think about me, are there genetic health issues that I may need to consider throughout my life? I could go on. Looking for b-parents or even developing a relationship with them does not mean the adoptee likes them better or does not feel fulfilled with the a-parents. It's not personal and it's not a popularity contest. I would advize a-parents to be supportive and not try to place blame or guilt-trips on anyone. Just be there with the facts and support your child to the best of your ability. Read 20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adopted Parents Knew.

I am not adopted, so I don't really know, but I would think it would be important not to take things personally if the birth family declines contact or is not all you imagined. They also should not feel guilty for wondering, searching or finding. Hopefully, they can find someone who supports and understands their search. Hopefully that someone is the parent who raised and loves them unconditionally.

We recently found my daughter's bio family. We were very careful with the information we shared and they have been very respectful of our wishes so far and grateful for the contact. So far, there is nothing that we would change. Our daughter is only slightly aware of the contact and has chosen not to be involved at this time, even though she requested it innitially. So we're taking it slow and just having all the information available for her when she is ready -- if she is ready. We want her to know that she is loved and accepted from all corners of the adoption triad.

My personal belief is that attempting to erase the bio-family history from your child is like attempting to erase a part of the child. You may be the best thing to ever happen to your child and he or she is a perfect fit for your family. Nobody would guess that he/she was not born to you. But no matter how well you all fit together, the biological link is missing. If your child craves that connection there is nothing wrong with that. If a-parents can be open and let their children lead the way in what information they want to have, when they want to have it, it will only build trust between a-parent and child and help the adoptee feel better about themselves and their lives. Adoption should not be treated as something to be ashamed about. It's just a part of some families lives.

Just my thoughts...

[jeanette reno]

I am an adult adoptee and have very recently found my bparents. I don't think I could have done it w/o my amom. Her support has meant everything to me. She was so supportive she was kind of upset that it took me so long to find the courage to look for my bparents. She is even going to go with me when I meet them for the first time. Her support has made my search bearable and kept me sane.

[FauxClaud]

I found my son on my own and iniated contact. For me and it seems for him, it has been very welcome and exciting.
His parents, though, are not yet aware of the contact. It's not something that I feel really great about, but it is his choice at this time and I can't go behind his back and do it myself. I have offered to be the one to tell them and take the responsibilty, but he seems to fear the fallout.
I worry because I know that they will probably be hurt by the secret contact. I worry that they will also be angry at me for doing so. And probably with some do cause since they told me that he had not expressed real interest and they didn't want to upset him. Fortunatly for me, they were incorrect on this and he was not adversly effected. Even his girlfirend at the time wrote me and thanked me for making him so happy by finding him.
I still feel bad though and wish they were involved..not for my sake, but for theirs and also for his.
I know if it was my son ( err..wait it is my son..so if I was in their shoes..rather) I would want to be involved in all aspects of my child's life. SO as a mom to another mom...I know they will be upset.

Without putting pressure on my son, I do frequently bring it up and try to encourage being open.

If I had to do it over again....I don't know what I would have done differntly. I am glad I found him when I did, but all of the above. I don't think I would have the ability to wait more than I did or not look. I wish, when I had asked for an update and pictures they would have told him then that I was in contact. I think that if that had happened then he and I a) would have had contact sooner b)it would all be open and honest c) they would not be hurt or feel betrayed d) they could have been involved and not removed for it all e) less pressure of secrets would be on my son.
Maybe I should have pushed more directly to them and told them that they should tell him, but I didn't see that as going over very big either. I am sure that they did what was right for them and what they thought was right for him..it just didn't work out that way.
I can only hope now that we all emerge from this slight cloud and can all exist together. I can only hope that they can see that our son is ready and very happy to know his other family. He is an amazing boy and they clearly kept thier end of the promises..he has grown up to be himself...so clearly can I see my bloodline in him and his personalty and traits. It is incredible.
I wish they could share it with us both.

[carolynppk]

I am an adult adoptee who has recently reunited with my birthmother. My amom was always supportive, but I know that it was a little hard for her. I am the child she took as her very own. There are some insecurities there, but she has always stood by me and supported me.


I was always honest with my mother, even when I thought it may be a little hard at times, I have been honest. I would rather let her know what was actually going on than have her guess and her imagination run away with her. I also didn't want her to feel like I was doing anything behind her back.

The one thing I think I might have done differently is not go into such detail with her. I'm not saying hide anything, but she doesn't have to know every feeling and emotion.

Both of my mom's have been wonderful and they have met one another. It has gone well and my bmom is so respectful and understanding of any fears, even though they are irrational, that my bmom may have.

I think the best thing is time. My amom has seen that Diane hasn't replaced her, we have become an extended family and she will always be my mom.

Good luck to you!

Sincerely,
Carolyn