[quiescentfury]

I am so excited and nervous. We received a call from our agancy this afternoon telling us about a situation that involves a 2 1/2 year old boy. After discussing with my husband we decided that we want to be consider by this potential birthmother. We should know by the middle of next week if we are chosen and would have the little boy placed with us at the end of the week.

I have so many emotions!! I don't know how I am going to make it through the next few days. This is the first time we are being considered.

The little boy has been with his mother since birth and she has taken excellent care of him. Has anyone else been in the same situation? I am so nervous on how the child will react if he is placed with us?

Thanks for listening.

[MMC66]

I have no advice for you but how exciting!!! If this is a rude question, just ignore but I'm curious why is the bmom choosing to place at this point??

congratulations,
Martha

[AwaitingBeloved]

Hi Maureen!
Congratulations! I will keep my fingers crossed for you. I was looking at your history and see that this has been quite a busy few months for you! Goes to show you that when it's meant to be, it will be. Best Wishes! Keep us posted!

Julie

[aspenhall]

I know EXACTLY what you are going thru! Except, mine is a girl who was almost 4. Bmom was married with other children... All the details can only be answered by the bmom. I would LOVE to help you on issues of grief and attachment as well as initial behavioral stuff. I have actually NEVER met anyone else that adopted with this situation and MAN did I look for 'em too... I have another thread called It's a Girl. Search my name for that thread and that will give you some background stuff to start. There is simply TOO MUCH to re-type! Let me know if you have specific questions, and SAVE EVERY EMAIL/LETTER from bmom.... as well as copies of your replies/responses. Journal each phone call and as you read and re-read them, the bigger picture will become clear. Get all the pics of him that she has. Make a scrapbook just for HIM to look at when he gets lonesome for her, and keep reinforcing that he now has *2* families. That can NEVER be said enough. When he seems to be onery for NO reason, he is actually sad and confused... tell him that it's OK to tell you when he gets those "big feelings" and that you'll help him feel better and that they don't scare you! They aren't always sadness, sometimes it's guilt, dis-loyalty, confusion.... My dd calls it "the great big feeling with no words" Tell him sometimes sadness comes out as grumpy and ask questions about what he remembers about bmom when he gets that way. DD is so terrified of forgetting S, and thats her big thing now. Loss of memory the longer she's been with us. Write his memories down for him, so that when he does forget, you have it saved. Reinforce that you aren't and can never replace her. Explain that you each have different jobs as his moms.

Just some things I thought of real quick..... Let me know how it goes, and feel free to contact me anytime! Ours is a new trail down the adoption path, not many (if any) have gone before us!

[quiescentfury]

Thank you so much fo ryour kind words. Aspen if we are selected I would be so greatful if we can look to you for advice.

The Pbirthmom has been thinking of placing her son for awhile now. I guess she does not have any support from her family or the bio father. She really wants her son to be with a two parent family. She is in college. She is bi-polar, but it is under complete control. She is on medication and has not gone off. All the reports from the agency are that she has cared very well for her son. They have met him and he is healthy, clean, well dressed and well groomed. I really do not have any more info. If we are selected to be interviewed I am sure we will learn more. I will keep you updated.

[chrisandaaron]

That was very quick! Congratulations!

[Free_to_be_me]

Aspenhall-that is some wonderful advice that you gave. You really put alot of great ideas into words. It sounds like you are really working hard to help your daughter work through her experiences without them becoming too overwhelming and scarring.

Maureen-good luck. I hope this works out for you. Do you know if the birthfamily is wanting any ongoing openness?

[aspenhall]

My dd was bright, healthy, well groomed, large vocabulary. When she got here, I found out she was also behaviorally neglected... Never had structure, sleep schedule etc... That was my dd's biggest adjustment... learning what her/our role in a family was... She still started to swing toward RAD behaviors even though it was a direct placement (no foster care). Read up on attachment issues. I was a first time mom and the power struggles and behavior issues were earth shattering to me, I had PADS and that made things worse. Since he is young, you'll be stepping in just as he's naturally learning how relationships work and won't have to undo so much, but he will also be less verbal and less easy to help adjust because of his age too. My dd was mentally at a 6 yr old level and I could use words easily, because she understood so much. I'm totally open and honest about how things have gone, so don't be afraid to ask the odd questions. I had to regress my dd to teach her to trust us to meet her needs. She'd learned not to show vulnerability, so I had to force it in some ways. Different things than you'd expect from bio parenting happen in this kind of situation. There's all the regular stuff as well as a whole other facet due to adoption. All adopted children need to be raised as special needs as they have to deal with a whole set of different issues... similar to children in divorced homes...

BTW if you keep it an open adoption (semi-open at least), then there's one less big thing for him to grieve... he hasn't lost a relationship with her, it's just changed....

[quiescentfury]

The Pbirthmom is requesting an open adoption and we would be totally for that. We are thinking e-mail, letters, photos, and two or three visits a year.


One question I have, if this works out how early should we start visits? I have fears if it is to soon D would be to confused, but then on the other hand I think early would be good because he would know that his mother will be a part of our lives. What does everyone think?

[chrisandaaron]

I would suggest short visits at a park or restaraunt type place beginning right away. I don't have any scientific reason for this, it's just my thought. I also recommend reading up on RAD issues. My sister came to us at age 3 and has struggled with some RAD issues all her life (she is 17 now). Even though the child appears well cared for you have to be aware of what might be missing.

Good luck!

[quiescentfury]

Thank everyone for your help. Over the next few days I will be doiong a lot of reading!!

[Sunshine Mom]

At this age as well I would insist on a transition as well. Visits in mom's home to start, then visits out together (ie park, dinner) then you visiting him alone at his house with mom going out (if she is willing), then you taking him out for a couple of hours then bringing him home, then doing the same thing at your house. Mom coming over with him, then mom bringing him and leaving him there, maybe you returning him, then slowly longer visits (ie overnights). The transition can take place over a couple of weeks. Then of course, he should only have you as a caregiver for several months as he attaches to you.

I think visits with mom can be good as long as she is supportive of the transition and the placement. Its alot easier on the child if they realize everyone is on the same page. If she supports your role as parents, and supports him in is grief of losing her then visits can only be a good thing. I also think that visits can reassure him that he is safe with you and still loved by birth mom.

Sunshine

[aspenhall]

I think once he 'moves in" completely with you, you should have 6 months bonding time of JUST you guys... do not leave him with a babysitter at all. Visits can be resumed after 6 months. That gives everyone adequate time to establish a "normal" routine to their lives. Then you can define the new relationship easier, rather than struggling with changing expectatuons in the existing one. He will be used to calling you mom and she will be used to not being called mom. I explained it to my dd as: being called "mom" is for who you live with. and first names for the mom you don't live with... so nobody gets confused.. I also refer to S as her first mom.... And dd does too, she'll say "S, my first mom" and it's very matter of fact. We agreed to an open (to be defined later) relationship, but when hubby went to pick up dd, S requested no contact, and that She'd get a hold of us when she was ready. DD's stepdad actually went behind S's back and called us after less than a month. He was DESPERATE to hear how she was doing. He later told S and agreed to let us send pictures and a letter, and He'd give them to her when he felt she could handle it. A month later, (we waited for dd's b-day) we called for their new address and sent it and found out that she knew and eagerly awaited it's arrival. I still heard nothing back (they'd indicated they'd send a letter too) and sent a email every other month just stating we were here whenever she was ready and STILL never heard a response to those either. It was hard on me because I tend to wanna help "fix" everybody and the person whose pain I was most connected to... wasn't letting me in to help. About 9 months after A came home, we finally finalized (legal dad problems). That VERY weekend, D called us to say the he and S were ready for contact with us, but direct contact with A was still too much. Because A doesn't understand exactly how everything works, she still fears that she will lose us as parents (valid fear since she already "lost" one set). Hearing that they'd called made her feel a little insecure at first, but was happy to know that they were alive and well and S had a new baby (A was relieved that it wasn't a girl, I'm guessing, she felt, to "replace" her). Her biggest source of grief was the NOT knowing if S and D and her brothers were ok. Now she says she wishes she could hear S's voice. I know from the phonecall, that S is handwriting A, a "keepsake" letter that she has worked on for MONTHS. My in laws are FREAKED OUT by the fact that S and D have our phone # and address. And MIL was actually IN the car with us when D called. She asked what I'd do if S showed up on our doorstep.... HONESTLY I'd probably start laughing and crying and hugging her and clear out the guest room. I get all of A's days and nights and attention for the rest of her life.... a weekend visit wouldn't threaten me in the least. Course, I've NEVER been territorial about anything anyway. Sharing is easy for me. S is so worried about MY feelings and I really wish she wasn't. Even after all my emails asking for contact and reassuring her, They still agonized for weeks over if they should call us! IMO, she has too many boundaries. BUT it's also nice to know that she respects our roles in A's life. I believe in confronting a problem before it can fully develop. If I sense insecurity in A about something I tackle it head on right up front before it can get bigger. I prepare her for how to feel in the future when she sees S again, and I suggest scenarios that she can sort out in her own mind until they happen. I ask her what she'll say to her, what she'd write in a letter, what she'd want me to tell her about. I show her examples of other family we love that doesn't live with us...(aunts etc..) To be honest, she really doesn't speak about S and D that often... maybe once a week or so. Or she'll have a rough few days and then nothing for weeks. I treat it all as "matter of fact" and "normal" as possible. If she sees me handle things with kid gloves she picks up on my own insecurities and magnifies them. I also point out and introduce anyone else with 2 families. I never wondered if she'd change her mind. She thought through adoption for MONTHS and even had her in respite care for a week to see how the dynamic of her family changed. She saw such a positive difference for EVERYBODY, that her mind was made up. If A ever wonders how the decision was made or if I "stole" her (defense mechanism) I have all the original correspondance to show her exactly how things transpired.

[aspenhall]

I just wanted to clarify...

2 families is 2 families, no matter HOW they got them. TWO parent/child relationships, 1 they live with, and 1 they do not. Not all children placed for adoption are abused. This was an attept to help children IDENTIFY with an odd sort of relationship in an OPEN adoption. Just the kind of things that children from divorced homes deal with as well! Even with a child that has NEVER been abused (adopted from birth or whatever).... there's still this particular "special need" .