[redhedded]

We have been politely (okay sometimes, and other times with a smart arse tone when babe was very young ) asking this rhetorical question for three years when people cross the boundaries with us, but this week has been the worst!

We have been an interracial couple for ten years (Asian/Caucasian) and a transracial adoptive family since our dd was born three years ago. We, as well as anyone, know/knew that our "appearance" when all together would be obvious. We have always responded positively in a way that affirms our children and makes them self confident; we do not ever share personal information that is theirs. Our daughter, who just turned three, is acutely aware of the meaning of ALL adult conversation and is able to answer lots of questions about adoption herself, especially her own. We are not overly sensitive and are accustomed to others' "awareness" of us.

However, we also live in a large but small feeling diverse university town. Interracial couples, transracial adoptions are extremely common, and rarely do we get comments outside of how charming, precious and smart our kids are. We go to the same local bookstore, the same live music events, the same grocery stores and coffee shops, and many people know us.

We are open to sharing about the adoption process with others when interested for themselves but do not appreciate those people who assume that they can ask anything because they approach with social niceties. My irritation is never about others' awareness of us; it is about a modern mentality and approach of information sharing and intrusion. People think they are entitled to know because they ask. Though we were extremely open and communicative, I was raised in a home that discouraged asking strangers personal questions; it was/is considered poor manners. People will ask anything without shame and many do not recognize the line of intrusion because they would share anything about their own lives. In three days alone, this week, I was asked while out with my two babes?

Are they biological siblings?
Are they foster children?
What country are they from?
Are you working with Katrina evacuees? Huh? (edited to add: I was taking my daughter into the ballet academy.)

Each time I said Why do you ask? placing the responsiblity on the "intruder." They did not make inquiries after building a relationship with us (obviously they would not have asked THOSE questions), they did not ask after a brief introduction or discussion, they did not even know our names.

Several of these questions are particularly offensive to me! Why is there constantly an assumption (by a few) that people not of European ancestry are from somewhere else; I often want to explain to them that Asians, Africans and South Americans have been here longer than their families? People constantly ask my dh and brother in law this question; they both reply from Texas (though they know what the inquisitor wants to know). Further, I have several friends who have adopted from Asia; no one HAS EVER assumed that their children are foster children.

Sorry, I don't get so annoyed very often but the combination of questions made me want to scream. Thanks for letting me vent; I feel much better now!

[happygmom]

You are way nicer than I am! When people ask me intrusive questions about my family, I tell them it is none of their business.

Happy G'Ma

[leaabc123]

The most annoying thing so far was when I was at the hospital for an appointment and had the girls in a double stroller and this guy looked at them and looked at me and assumed I was their babysitter. He said "oh you must be doing daycare". I just said no and left it at that.

Then he screams as we were exiting the elevator "Oh adoption huh?".

I have no problems answering questions if asked respectfully and if it doesn't violate confidentiality. But this guy was just annoying.

[Linny]

Maybe it's because I'm a lot older than some of the posters here.....but I guess we've become accustomed to a lot of these types of questions.
My two youngest girls are only 18 months apart. My two oldest kids are only 17 months apart (they're now grown and in their mid-twenties). We were asked all the time, "Are they twins"....."Are they biological sibs?"...'What country are they from?"

While I agree.....sometimes people were rude; more than not, they were asking questions...and that was it. I was seldom offended.........but I also had 'pre-thought-out' answers too:

Seems I felt like I could always tell whether people were just being rude; or just trying to understand our family.
Was it truly any of their business? No, I guess not.....but it just doesn't bother me as much. I guess we always felt that some of the questioning was a way to educate folks about how great adoption is.....and that blood has nothing to do with family.
Probably the comments that DID make us uptight...were when folks ASSUMED that the kids were 'foster'....or, worse yet, that any of the CC kids were our 'blood kids'....while the comments about the other kids were, 'oh, so nice you've adopted'........THIS comment, probably more than the others.....irritated me so, that I finally decided when asked, 'to go ahead and mention, "Oh, all of our kids were adopted.'

But.....that's just me.....


Sincerely,

Linny

[MMC66]

Maybe I just haven't been at this long enough but I kinda like the questions. Sometimes they're a little direct but I look at it as an opportunity to show off my wonderful beautiful family.

I guess it does bug me a little when they say Addy is lucky to have us cuz I look at it completely the opposite, WE'RE the lucky ones. But I don't mind setting them straight. I figure maybe they'll learn something.

Martha

[momofmykids]

Red,
I hear ya! All our children are CC, but we have so many that we get lots of nosey questions. We get the "foster child" question, and then people say, "are they REAL brothers and sisters". I usually say, "they are now", or "they look real to me". I REALLY hate, "why do you have SO many?", I say, "why not?".

Gee whiz, get a life and stay out of my business!

NOSEY NOSEY NOSEY!

[jheald]

Thankfully we haven't had to deal with really irritating questions from strangers so far. The only thing that has bothered me at times is being asked if my daughter is also adopted. I know it is a fair assumption, but I wish people wouldn't ask in front of the kids. Know what I mean?

Janet

[Hopp]

My 3 neices are 1/2 cc 1/2 AA, and yup....they ARE blood relation to my husband. I expect the stupid things people say to me about them (I'm cc-blond), just because I have been dealing with it now for over 10 years. What I HATE is that people assume my sister-n-law is not their mom! Not only is she their bio mom, her girls look so much like her its funny. I can't begin to tell you how many people think they were adopted, or that she is the "foster mom" I keep thinking...so what if she was? What does that change, what difference does it make? Recently, a co-worker saw a pix of the kids. He said (kinda' sadly) "OOOh, you had to adopt." My sister-n-law was pissed and said, "No these are my bio kids, but so what if I did adopt, why would htat make you sad sounding?" Then he was shocked. She said he was quiet a few min, trying so hard to mentally connect the dots. She said, "Yes, I am married to an AA, why does that shock you?" He just asked her why she never told him when they have now worked together for nearly 2 years. My sister-N-Law was floored. She said to the man, "it isn't a description that should need to come up in conversation...my husband is just my husband." Anyway, she & I were talking about this conversation recently and we equate the same principle to adoption. Why does it have to be explained? Why do people insist on making those ignorant comments???

I think this post is truly about the unnatural "shock" some people have at mixed relationships. By mixed relationships, I simply mean mixed race, culture, or even outside of what our society sees as "natural." I hate it, and wish we could all be more open minded, and not look first at the color of our skin, or where we come from, or maybe even where we DIDN'T come from. AND...why oh why do people just HAVE to say what they think? I feel that if someone is ignorant enough to think it, then they just shouldn't say it. Bottom line...lack of class/education/openness is rampid in our world! Sorry for the soap box!

-Dianna

[surfmama]

Hey, I bet you all have had this happen...you are pushing the stoller/cart, whatever, and all the other person can see is you have a baby, they can't see the baby yet. They smile, look at you, then crane their necks to look at precious.

AHHHH, then the shocked look sets in and they don't know how to respond! Or, you get the glib, oh so cute, and they hustle on.

Wish I had a dollar for every time this has happened, LOL.

Sometimes, when people are not rude and ask if I foster, I say no, I am an adoptive mom.

[momofmykids]

Oh another good one...my cousin's son is exactly the same age as my 2 yr. old dd (she's 10 minutes older). It is quite obvious that he is bi-racial. Well, we keep him alot, and we get lots of double takes when people see the two together! I can just hear them thinking, "hmmm...how did she do THAT!?!"

[hopefully4]

I guess I'm okay with some questions but I'm like a PP, I don't want them asked in front of my kids. My son is only eight months old, but I would hate for him to feel uncomfortable. I have a bio CC three year old, bio CC 20 month old, an 8 month old adopted from Ethiopia, and I'm six months pregnant. I also look super young, although the "I don't think teenagers should have babies" comments from strangers have stopped. I get asked if I do daycare a lot and I always say, "Nope, I'm just lucky enough to have three kids." I also get the "Where is he from?" pointing at my son a lot. Depending on my mood and the person's tone when asking, I'll say, "He's from Ethiopia." or "We live just a little northeast of Denver." Sometimes, I'm tempted to say, "Well, when a sperm meets an egg.." and leave it at that, but my father always said that no one likes a smart aleck. I just don't like the feeling that someone feels like no questions are off-limits.

So, I guess my point, if I ever had one, is that I sympathize with other people and if someone has a great solution, fill me in.

Katie

[mckenna]

i bet i can top it all. i was at the mall with my two kids. they are bi-racial and 1/2 sibs they look a lot like each other and like me (it is weird but true), so i don't get adoption questions often cuzi think strangers think they are biological. anyway i was at the mall waiting in line at the food court (last time i will go to subway ). this woman in front of me, sees my kids and comments on how cute they are. i say thanks and think that is it. but nooooooooo, she then says, and i quote "you like the black meat, huh?" i sit there floored that anyone would say that to a perfect stranger much less in front of a 4 year old. i was so stunned i did not know what to say, so i just didn't say anything and luckily it was my turn to order

what is wrong with people?????

[spaypets]

Oh my word, McKenna! I thought I'd read it all, but that takes the cake.

Red, the Katrina line cracked me up! How awful that we still live in places so segregated that AA children have to be evacuees! (and I know where you live--seems to me it's a lot more diverse than that!).

It's not so much that people ask the questions, it's that they ask them before they've had a conversation with you.

Most of our newest friends have actually never asked about DD's adoption. It generally comes up in conversation after a while when we talk about going to India, or mention that she was 18 months when she came home or something like that which lets people figure things out.

Occaisionally people ask where she's from, but even that question is less frequent now that she's clearly paying attention.

I'm curious--did anyone answer you when you asked them why they wanted to know?

[meimaemomma]

I am a big fan of "Why do you ask?" and will use it daily after our second arrives (I'm sure), but after reading these things, I might be tempted to use "I'm surprised you would ask something like that" (or say such a thing, as the case may be). And then, to my kids "see? i told you there were lots of crazy people." Ugh.

[danhanan]

LOL..... Katie ... I love the "when the sperm meets the egg". If I were in that position I think I'd use that one. We don't run into too many questions because we are all CC. We get other crap though because our town isn't too big and we all grew up here, including dd's 1st mom and her family. K, dd's bmom, is 8th in a family of 10 kids. They are a family well known for their issues. Then you start adding in the next generation, most of them continuing the patterns of the previous generations and it's not pretty. So alot of people in town are well aware of the adoption and will say (sometimes right in front of dd) how lucky she is that we got her out of that mess. Hello??? She can hear you!!!! And we use "no, we are the lucky ones!!!!". AND we get, "does she see her real mom?" to which I respond "why, can't YOU see me?' or if I'm feeling even slightly polite I will ask, "do mean her 1st mom?
I realize that most people just don't understand the intimacy of what they're asking, I just hope that if they find themselves being curious about someone else's personal life they will think twice about whether or not it's any of their business.