[ReadyToAdopt]

Hi everyone!

When would you say that is it too early to be matched with an expectant family? I've heard families matching around 20 weeks and later, but I want to hear what you have to say. Is there a rule of thumb?

Thank you so very much for your time.

[Free_to_be_me]

I don't know any rules of thumb, but as a birthparent I hadn't even talked about adoption at 20 weeks. I made the decision to place at about 12 weeks, but didn't talk to a single person until 6 weeks before my due date. My counselor, the birthfather and I worked really fast and interviewed potential adoptive parents 3 weeks before my due date. The baby was born 2 weeks late, so the parents I chose had 5 weeks to prepare.

[traceyk]

Although our Bmom was a "drop in" (decided at time of birth) I do know our agency won't make a match until bmom is at least 7 mo. along and has gone through counseling when they come to them beforehand.

[Lovebug]

Our agency wouldn't talk to a potential bmom until she was 6 months along. They start showing profiles to her when she is 7 months along.

--Renee

[MajaHedman]

I don't know about a rule of thumb either, but we didn't choose adoptive parents until after our son had been born.

[FauxClaud]

There is a perfect world in my head ( and also Australia) where there is no true "match" between the prospective adoptive parents and the pregnant mom. In this way, the mother can trully make a decision to place or not to place after the reality of birth based on her own feelings without having to take the couples feelings to heart. It also saves the apaps from the pain of a failed placement.
I know people, including the natural moms, have said that they would not like it that way as then they could not have time to build up a relationship before hand, but the way I see it, it could be a good thing not a bad thing.
Alas, as I said..it's only the rule of thumb in my perfect world...and Australia.

[chrisandaaron]

In our first situation we matched at about 22 weeks. It was nice because we had lots of time to build a relationship with the babies family. However, it made us feel like we had wasted a lot of time when the match failed after birth(and we knew we had missed out on other situations). We have since had one match for a baby that had already been born, but it failed after one week (before we bought the baby home). And we have been presented with several situations that would have led to much shorter match times. Overall, the shorter matches were easier to handle when things feel through. However, getting to know the family was nice too.

Good luck,
Chris

[LisaCA]

I don't know if our facilitator or agency has a rule of thumb, but my gut tells me that the earliest I'd want a match is probably around 7.5 months or so. this is purely for my own psyche . the longer the match, the more invested I would be, no matter what I tell myself about the match. Plus, I think pregnant women start to really feel the pregnancy then, and people around them are aware of the pregnancy. it gives her time to think things thru without having to look at us and feel as if she owes us anything by her decision. The longer we bond the more she may feel the weight of the connection, and I'm not comfortable with that either. Just my musings .

btw, we matched with dd's bmom just a couple of days before her birth and it's worked out beautifully. Her family is our family now.

[cathy102]

I don't think either place we used would start to show profiles until they were about 6 to 7 months. If we had an expectant mom that wanted to be matched REAL early, I don't know what I would of done???
We were matched with Lexi's birthmom 6 weeks before she was due and 2 months before Sean's birthmom was due...

[tobeafamily]

The earlier the adoption plan is made, the bigger the risk that the plan will not carry through. This is especially true if this is the expectant mom's first pregnancy.

This is primarily because the pregnancy isn't 'real' in it's early stages. Yes, there may be morning sickness and an absence of a cycle. However, it's not a 'real' baby, not moving, kicking, hiccuping, etc. Once that child in utero begins to feel 'alive', though, feelings change.

This is why many agencies like to see 'later' plans and connections rather than eariler, because psychologically it's a different situation.

That is not to say that all plans made early in a pregnancy fail - Ryan's bfamily and we connected when his bmom was only 8 weeks pregnant. Ryan was her first child and first pregnancy. She was very clear though on her plans and their families were supportive. Our agency told us this was more the 'exception' rather than the rule.

Lastly, remember that whether the plans are made at 4 weeks pregnancy or 41 weeks, the decision to place must always be re-made once the child is born.

HTH

Regina

[blessedbybug]

Our agency will not consider matching until 6 weeks before the expecting mom's EDD. We really appreciate that. I think anything longer than that is too long for both sides.

With DD, we were matched for less than 48 hours. In our eyes, it was perfect, however, it did cause a lot of stress to Bug's first mom as she wanted to have an adoption plan in place and wasn't able to find the right match at the start. She was truly relieved when she found us...

[lisa in venice]

I think in genreal it is "safer" to match later but our thrid adoption involved a match that was made early in the pg. We met at about 9 weeks and matched about a month later. For "A" having a family was a huge wieght off of her shoulders. You could see how stressed she was until the final decision had been made but that like so much else in adoption is so personal. For her having it all decided made it easier she alwsy knew she had a choice and she also knew that her relationship with us was separate from the adoption plan. We were always very clear that she was a very special person who we wanted in our lives no matter what happened. For someone else I could see how they could make the wrong decision based on feeling obligated. I have a hard time with hard and fast rules because it is all so personal.

lisa

[Kimmisue]

We had an early match. "M" was about 20 weeks when we matched. We liked it because we did get to know her so well, but would have been devastated had it not worked out. I do know that our agency does not have a certain time when they will match, it depends on the potential bmom. They go on a case by case basis. They are pretty good at judging how sure they women are and will let them match if they feel certain they will go through with it. They do warn us that this is no guarantee and even after knowing "M" for several months the agency reminded us the day we left for the hospital to be prepared that it was still possible we would come home with the car seat in the trunk and no baby.


Kim

[ReadyToAdopt]

Thanks everyone for your input. We've been in contact with an expectant mom who is due the end of March. We were thinking that if things continue to go the way that they are, we'd talk about matching in January. We've talked about the wait and she thinks that the waiting gives her an excellent opportunity to take advantage of the counseling available to her.

Any additional guidance is certainly appreciated!!

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by ReadyToAdopt

Thanks everyone for your input. We've been in contact with an expectant mom who is due the end of March. We were thinking that if things continue to go the way that they are, we'd talk about matching in January.

Does she realize what it means if you all don't commit right now, that even while you continue to talk you both are able to agree to match with someone else? I understand not wanting to match early, but I know it would be hard for me to have ongoing communication without becoming so emotionally involved that the potential of other matches might be hard to cope with. I'd be afraid to let her down if in December another match came along and I wanted to agree to it, but had been talking with this exp mother all along. I fear I'd feel that way even if we were both in total agreement that this was a possibility and it was ok. That's just me though, and I do know families who have had agreements like this.

We were matched for approx. 4.5 months. If we ever adopt again I'm not sure I could do it a second time. It was very emotional and now I have my babe's emotions to consider. Babe doesn't handle change well and can become very attached, so protecting babe's emotions is paramount.