[MMC66]

Hi guys,
I just thought I'd share something someone told me early on in my adoption "journey"

She told me never to use the word "adopted" to describe your child. Adoption is something you DO, not who you are. You should say things like "we adopted Addy" or "Addy came to our family through adoption" but never say "she is adopted".

It sounded a little strange/silly at first but the more I thought about it, the more it made good sense. I think unless someone said something, I would have referred to Addy as "adopted".

This woman (mom to two children through adoption> Explained it to me very well. I hope I made sense, not sure if I did as good a job. It was just some valuable advice that I thought I'd pass on.

Martha

[BrandyHagz]

Martha,

That attitude is something I subscribe to in my personal (non-forum) life as well. I WAS adopted, I am not adopted…not only does adoption describe something you do, it also is a single event, not something that is ongoing. I was adopted ONE time, not over and over every day of my life. It is something that happened in the past that does make me an adoptee or a person who was adopted but it doesn’t make me “adopted” in the descriptive sense.

There was a discussion about this a while back, maybe a few years ago, where many of the members of the forums who were adopted weighed in with their opinions. Like you, they agreed that the word “adopted” is correctly used to describe a single event in a persons life, not a person.

[mamacrina]

Very interesting! Thanks for posting it, Martha. Your explanation makes sense to me.

And Brandy, I appreciate your thoughts, too.

[spaypets]

I agree, Martha. I usually say "We adopted DD," though sometimes in my haste in writing I'll drop the subject "DD, adopted from India, ...."

[ajjhmf]

I whole heartedly agree. J's adoption was the even that brought him home. Just as H's birth was. J is simply my son, my parent's grandson and my brother's nephew. Adoption is an event in his life, not the whole thing.

I just wish everyone wuld see it this way.

Martha, thanks for bringing up this important point.

Blessings,
Jenny

[ALI143]

My MIL still uses the old adoption language even though I've given her sheets on positive adoption language so my dh made me promise that if she introduces our new little one as the "adopted" one then he/I have to put my hand on other son's shoulder and say, "And this is Gabe, the vaginal birth." I hope it doesn't come to that.

[blessedbybug]

Well said... we also are careful in how we say this. I have corrected a few people who intro Bug as our "adopted daughter" to just say, "she is our daughter".

One lady asked me why that was so important to me. I said just what you did... adoption is the avenue by which Bug joined our family. It doesn't define her. It would be like someone saying about a child they birthed... "this is my vaginally-delivered daughter". When I said it that way, it made more sense to her (after she got done being embarrassed).

[mikiment]

Thanks for sharing this important point. It's so true that our children came to us THROUGH adoption as an event, not that it's the overwhelming, ultimately defining label of who they are. While we are personally very proud of how our children joined our family through international adoption, it shouldn't be the quintessential definer or the first thing people find out about them. I laughed out loud at the idea of introducing each child in terms of his/her arrival method into the family, i.e., "here's our adopted child, Eenie; our little vaginal delivery, Meeney, and here's our little C-section, Miney..."

Good point and a good reminder about language. Thanks for sharing.

[Hopp]

What a great way to put it! I posted something along this line on another thread, and the subject is dear to my heart. I don't like it AT ALL when people refer to me as D & C's "adopted daughter" I am just me. When my husband & I go through the process to bring our child home, it will be through adoption. I never want my child refered to in this way. It is a reminder that isn't necessary. I agree with you all...adoption is the event bring our children into our lives. Not the definition of the child or of our family! GREAT POST!!!

[6boysrus]

Its a ONE TIME event.. not a life long label

GRRR I cant stand labels...

~Yvonne

[Lovebug]

I have a very dear great aunt who told me something very similar when we were waiting for DS. Her DD was adopted many many years ago and she made so much sense when she said it to me. It made such a huge impact on me, too, in a way. She said that the word "adoption" is used far too often...like the "adopt a highway" program, etc. So it has always been important to us to use that kind of language and educate our family that way, too. If it comes up among strangers we say, "Yes, DS was adopted....now he is just our son". And it usually works like a charm.

Thanks, Martha, for bringing this up!

--Renee

[cakegirl]

Good thoughts. I've always been interested in the way some perjorative language becomes mainstream, and people don't even realise that what they're saying has a negative context.

[Nevada Jen]

Great point Martha. Ali, I think you are using the term wrong. You will need to reply "And this is Gabe, our vaginal son."

Jen

[ALI143]

OH NO! You're right Jen. I'm gonna have to say, "My vaginal son." OMGosh, I hope it doesn't come to that, but a dare is a dare.

[tmjbstark]

Too funny. Vaginal son. LOL. How about instilling proper language previous to bringing home the kids? We have been passing around a book (What Friends and Family Must Know About Adoption) but things like this really don't sink in - even though I highlighted and added written comments in a lot of the book. Any suggestions on how "break in" our family before our kids come home? We are adopting older children so they will be well aware of what people say so I want to make sure everyone is on the same page in what is said.