[sugarbabysmommy]

I would really like brutal, no holds bard honesty about life with two kids. What changed? If you aren't that great patient mom or dad that Parent magzine says you should be, how do you survive? Physically do you feel you are surviving? Emotionally? Do you need more help than you thought you would? What about your relationship with your mate?

Before my babe came home, I could never have guessed what parenting was like. I remarked to a good friend of mine after babe came home that she had lied to me and not told me how really hard it was, she said, "Oh yes I did, you just didn't listen."

So, you can bet your buns, I'm listening now...

Please, share your stories, anyone and everyone (this is posted here to reach the widest audience).

[Sunshinemom]

I'm not sure how old your child is, but my first two are 22 months apart, so pretty close in age. My oldest is now 7 and his brother is 5, and then the youngest is three so it's been awhile since I had really little ones. But it wasn't bad at all.

DH descibes having a second child using the analogy of a bowl of fish. With the first fish you buy the tank, food, rocks, books, etc. With the second one, you buy it...bring it home and slide it into the tank. We found that we were much more relaxed and it just wasnt' that bad.

It might vary based on your personality type. I'm pretty laid back and mellow, so if the house wasn't always spotless and a full-course meal on the table every night it wasn't a big deal. I remember the first few weeks I considered it a good day if I got dressed and showered by 11AM.

I was often very tired, and since there were two of us and two of them...the teams were pretty even and we somehow survived. Looking back, it was exhausting, but I couldn't imagine my life with just one child. I know it's just my opinion, but I think giving your child a sibling is a precious lifelong gift to that child and you will all have richer lives to share....but alot more chaotic!

[Linny]

You know....the first two came when we were in our 20's.......17 months apart. We lived overseas for part of that, clear across the nation for another part of it.....equaling, very little physical contact with any family! Even then, as now, we never knew what it was like to have grandparents available to watch our kids at the drop of a hat, just to 'go out'. Not very often back then, never now.

Raising the older child adoptions....(as much as we were able to; two have been disruptions).......has been the most grueling and horrific, in all truthfullness (you said you wanted brutal honesty).
And now, with a 10yr old (the last 'older child adoption......easier, but not exceptionally so)....and two toddlers (17months apart)........it's more a frame of mind that I have to ahere to. Gone are the days of having everything dusted, the floors aways swept each day, and a FULL course meal----well....seldom. We eat more fast food and 'quick food' than before.
But.......I simply love raising the toddlers for the most part. Our family is going through a horrific time...and so our energies are zapped in many ways due to the legal processes and horrors that have befallen. Still, when I figure that I have to stick to a simpler way of thinking---this can take a lot of pressure from me. I don't have a husband that's demanding like some couples. He's very much more laid back than me...and if supper isn't on the table...that's okay. He and I are also the types that will delay supper on a summer evening, for harnessing up the horses and going on a late evening wagon ride with the kids.

Don't get me wrong....I have rotten days too....I can stress out...I can yell, scream with the best of them too. But, especially because of the horrid summer we've had-----I've made it a point to not yell anymore......to just 'let things go' that otherwise might have driven me nuts. This is what's gotten me by in the midst of the worst stress I've ever experienced in my life. And....of course, coming to my adoption board friends. This can be a great help to me as well.


Sincerely,

Linny

[ALI143]

I remember with my second baby I thought having two wasn't twice as hard it's three times as hard.I've got 5 in home for right now and I've never known tired like I do now, but I'm getting used to it.

[redhedded]

babysmommy, I think it depends very much on your personality. Linny gave you some great advice. Everyone I know who has opted to have a second child has been utterly overjoyed; but, I know several women who were extremely overwhelmed by two babes, even with help from parents, friends, etc.

My babes are 28 months apart. It has been a breeze for me, since day one. It has never been chaotic really. I have taken both babes out by myself since B was 13 days old. I go everywhere and am very independent. I did all night feedings and still do all midnight medication, because my dh works extremely long hours, usually 6 days a week.

I have a calm personality and do not get frustrated easily or quickly, thanks to ten years of meditation. I am independent and am one that is able to provide lots of emotional strength to my friends; I get it back from dh and my parents. For me, it is easy, because I put a lot of pressure on myself about somethings and no pressure about other things. It is important to me to take my kids out EVERYDAY, to play, to paint, blow bubbles, dance, make music, to take them to storytime and to read with both of them for hours; it is not however important to me to spend much time cleaning. My house is very neat and organized (I hate clutter) and gets a good cleaning once a week. I do not own an iron, and I have no obsession about dusting anything! I do not cook really. We eat healthy, simple foods - lots of whole grain breads, cereal, hummus, take away meals from Whole Foods and beans (I do cook those), egg salad, fresh fruit/vegetables. My wardrobe consists entirely of Levis and tee shirts. All of our clothes are usually wrinkled.

From marriage until babe one arrived, dh did all cooking and all cleaning. I do laundry (everyday just before midnight) and vacuum.

I, like Linny, have a super laid back Zen husband. He loves that I am home, loving and guiding and taking care of our kids; he doesn't expect in any way, shape or form a "traditional" wife. Well, okay he knew that part when he met me. We have a great time together. Most of our communication has had to take place in the wee hours and early morning, because we have a dd who rarely sleeps. (goes to bed around 10:30-11:00) We make the most of days all off by doing family things locally (like farmers market, local kids theater), taking little trips or just playing together at home. While my parents are here (they live 1/2 year out west), we go out occasionally to a movie or dinner but not often. We have never left our dd or ds with anyone other than my parents. And for those 6 months of their down the street residency, my mother and father will keep one/or both babes for several hours so that I might take care of some business, get hair done, etc. It is tremendous support for me. For us, we spent several years doing everything we wanted to do, always together, fancy/backyard parties, Guinness and playing pool at night, migas at 3:00 am. We traveled a lot and worked a lot. We like things simple, not a lot of "stuff," fun times, good meals and time together. We spent a lot of time just the two of us before any kids; I think it makes the change of having two kids, time constraints and pressure, much easier.

But. . .It is important to mention that both of my babes were extremely calm, happy and easy going, which makes a big difference. They both also slept through the night by 3 months. DD never cried as a baby; she had some tough toddler moments that are virtually gone now (she is three.) B is much more demanding than she was but is happy as long as he is with me (being held or playing together on the floor). And two babes are quite content and have rarely needed constant attention simultaneously. And when they do, we sit on the floor together; my lap (and bum) is big enough for two babes. My dd has never had any jealously issues and always wants to help; she loves her brother. Finally, I do not require a lot of sleep (about 6 hours) every day. My dd is awake 15-16 hours every single day (and has been since for a long time). DS is going through spurts; one day he naps twice and other days not at all. I think all of these things factor into whether the experience is a difficult or not difficult one.

We thought my daughter would be an only child. Now, I cannot imagine our house without little B. It has been extra work (lots more laundry) but such a joy and so much fun. I love my life as a mother to two and would not trade it for the world.

Whatever you decide, will be right for you. You (and dh) know what you can/cannot do or choose to do and know best.

On a sidenote, In addition to my little time to meditate daily, I try to take a hot bath (usually after laundry) and treat myself to a venti iced mocha with whipped cream everyday, full of chocolate, fat and caffeine.

edited to add: for those who have more than two, I do not know how they do it; I would have to let something really go. I suspect it would be the laundry and the bathing (for myself)!

[angelkisses0102]

We adopted from Russia, so our babies were a little older but...

Our daughter was so, so easy...we really just continued on as we were before but with this amazing little girl. So, we decided to go for #2.

Our son is a very 'hard' baby...the kids are only 23 months apart...she was 2.5 yo, he was 8 months old at adoption. It was and continues to be very tough...the work did not double...as Ali said...it at least tripled...but again, our son is tough and I am back to work at very stressful job...at least for 11 more months. (I did stay home for the first 5 to 6 months with both adoptions...but due to issues with our son...we had to move and we needed my income...drat..why did I become successful in my career.)

They are now 2 & 4...aaahhhh! We honestly love it...but it is crazy! Can you say Romper Room?!

My house is mess...I think the laundry breeds...I still don't understand how one small baby made the laundry increase so much??? We moved into our house a year ago August...and I still don't have all the photos in frames and out on display....maybe this weekend...LOL!

Our world revolves around our kids...and that can be tiring. Our son, at 26 months...still isn't sleeping thru the night and has lingering attachment issues...besides being 'germ velco'...poor baby picks up every virus....ugh!!!

But...it is the greatest joy...to see them interact...for them to hug and kiss and laugh and play. I feel the greatest gift we gave our daughter is her brother...they truly love each other beyond words...

It isn't easy...but it is worth it...and if I have my way...we will be outnumbered by 'the kids' in a couple of years...I would love to do this a 3rd time...

Best of luck to you~
Karen

[LisaCA]

thanks for this thread. I've been trying to weigh the pluses and minuses of a second and third kid , so I appreciate the honesty.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Germ Velcro- now that's funny!

I am very thankful for the honesty. My first reaction when I read your post Sunshine Mom was oh come on, I asked for brutal honesty and you sound so happy. Then it dawned on me, I went into this thread expecting only "negative" brutal honesty and wsn't prepared for "happy" honesty, so thank you for snapping me back.

Red, how I wish I was as balanced as you are. I need oodles of sleep, babe didn't sleep through the night routinely until at least 16 months, had "colicy" episodes for a few months. I actually found transitioning from our couples life was rocky. Well, at least we have our wardrobes in common and our eating habits

I am not a cleaner, though much to my little family's dismay I go on cleaning tirades, tossing things out, collecting all the clutter and proclaiming I've had enough. If only I could afford a cleaning service once a week then the clutter couldn't collect (that's my thoery anyway).

Linny, I so appreciate your post. I am sorry for the troubles your post alluded to, but glad to know you can have moments like late night rides- hopefully they are restorative.

Ali123, I've often heard people say that two was three times the work, but my goodness five- I'd have to be commited.

Lisa and Karen, number three on your minds? Oof!

[Howdy]

I'm planning to try for number two this fall, and I'm really worried about whether I can handle two. My daughter (9 yrs old, adoption will be finalized next month) is so hyper and bouncy when she has a friend over, I find it very exhausting. When the second child is a sibling instead of a friend, does the energy level drop a bit? When she's had a friend stay overnight, they NEVER go to sleep, when there are siblings do they fall asleep at normal times? Does it take a while to get to that point, and if so, how long?
My daughter ignores or defies me so much more when she is playing with a friend, is that how siblings are, do they encourage each other to defy the parent? What do you do then?

[Heather Jeane]

Howdy, there is no way to compare the noise level of a friend over vs a sibling. I have a bubbly 8 yr old daughter and a quiet (moody) 6 yr old son. (hopefully a newborn in December too but that's another story *grins*)

Siblings are used to each other and after spending most their lives together, there really is no novelty in each other. About the only time they do get loud is when they argue... which of course, I've never met a family that didn't now and then or even daily when they were very young!

Friend are another story. Friends aren't over all the time and the kids are excited and the noise level is elevated. They want their friends to have fun and like them so they tend to be overly animated.

My friend and I switch off baby sitting a lot. At times when I have had just one of her kids with my two, the noise goes through the roof. When I have all three of hers, it's insane. When I have had just two of her kids during the day while mine were at school, there is the normal play level of sound that I have when my two are alone.

Interestingly, since the five kids are around each other so much, the noise level has begun to taper off as compared to new friends.

[T&T]

Sugarbabysmommy,

I am so glad that you started this thread! It helps to know that I am not the only one that has questions/concerns about expanding their family. We have a wonderful 6 yr old daughter that was a high maintence babe, LOL; colic and sleep issues from day one. As much as we would like to adopt #2, there are moments when the memory of those difficult days and nights make me wonder if we are insane to start all over again. To be honest, I cringe at the thought of going back to 2 am feedings, being chronically sleep deprived, and endless dirty diapers. And yet I find myself longing for a second child.

I would love to say that I am a laid back person, but that is not the case. As much as I would wish for such a transformation, I am definately an "A" type personality through and through. So for me there's this constant war going on between my "A" type brain that thinks I am totally nuts, and my big aching heart that dreams of another little one. These days, I am opting to listen to my heart and my brain will just have to cope!

Tracey

[Michelle 053002]

For us it has it's good days and bad. Fiona was 3 months shy of 3 years old when we brought J home, he was 7 weeks and we had been talking to her about him and she was all excited to be big sister until about a month ago when I guess she realized he is staying (Bmom's tpr is in Decemebr-hopefully). She is now jealous at times and he is getting that way too. Hubby works LONG hours so it's just me most of the times. If we're at home I love it, I just sit down with one on each knee. Church can be a different issue, they both still want to be on my lap but don't really want the other one there, J now pulls hair. I spend 1 1/2 hours braiding her hair fancy last night and he thought he was going to pull it out, I don't think so. Grocery shopping is another fun time.
Fiona still doesn't sleep through the night, so I am up at least 3 times a night, I am mostly used to it and they are learning if i haven't had coffee, dont ask the say question a million times.
I am NOT always a calm, laid back person and hubby is moddy, so it's an interesting house at times. but I wouldn't trad emy kid sfor anything.
Fiona threw a coin in the fountain at the mall today and wished for a baby sister. I told her that wish would have to wait for now.

[LisaCA]

michelle,

I just had to laugh. my mom was nothing without her coffee. she would be sooo cranky, that we'd run to turn the water on boil, prepare the cup for her and stuff it in her hand. Then she'd realize what a #itch she'd been and laugh. I'm no morning person either, and turns out neither is dd-things are going to be fun, fun, fun.

btw, your daughter has the best smile.

lisa

[ajjhmf]

Going from one to two was an adjustment, but my kids are 5 years apart, so one big thing was making J more independent before H came. I think back to my life with one and there have been tons of changes, but very worth it.

I'm more tired now, but I sleep better when I get to. Coffee was a Godsend before I got pregnant with number 3. Now the kids just know to give mom her space in the morning until I wake up.

I plan things more. Taking 2 out to the store takes a little more thought than just the one. The age different calls for H to go to many a soccer field and martial arts practice. I just sort of come with baby-in-tow. A never ending supply of finger foods and a sippy cup of water are always with me. It's fun. H is seeing more of the world than J did at that age.

Laundry is exponential. With just DH and I, it was managable. With J, we stayed afloat. Now we're sinking in onesies. I think number 3 will bury us alive.

Childcare is harder with more than one. We're very picky about who watches our kids, and finding someone to watch them both and still give us time to get out is a challenge. But we manage. We also have a lot more 'at home' dates after the kids are in bed.

All in all, having more than child has been great. I love seeing J protect and play with his sister. And I love watching H try and do everything her big brother does. Even run on the soccer field during a game and play lightsabers with him. And seeing them find each other after school at pick up and hug each other brings me to tears every time. Just the other day, I caught J teaching H to dance. Moments like that make it so worth it.

I remember as a child when my little brother would get on my nerves and I would wish I was an only child. But I also remember that he was my best friend on rainy days and vacations. He was my comrade-in-arms in our 'war' against our parents. We built legos and played cars. I know I'm giving that to my kids. Despite the sleep deprivation, the laundry struggles and limited time alone with my dh, it's worth every moment.

I hope that gives you an idea of the joys and the struggles. The joys definitely win.

Blessings,
Jenny

[rastachris]

My two are 14 months 28 days apart. Aidan will be three on Halloween and Makena is almost 20 months old. In the beginning it was probably the easiest time. I actually perferred to be out-and-about with them rather than at home. I carried Makena in the sling almost all the time and Aidan was in the stroller. We also had a double stroller. I wasn't getting as much sleep in the night, but both kids were taking naps (plural!) and I could get things done. As they've gotten older things have gotten a bit more hectic, especially since DD has been mobile. It's tough with my son at this age now because he's in that nasty two's and three's stage now - not listening and ALWAYS pushing buttons and limits. I have days when I HAVE to take them to their rooms and put them in their beds for some "rest" time so that I can get a break. They still nap at the same time everyday and that is very nice quiet or busy time for me. I wouldn't change a thing about having two or two so close in age. Is it hard? Yes. Is it sometimes a month before I can run the vacuum? Yes. Do I lose my cool? Yes. Do I get a shower every day? No. Do I ever get to calmly finish an entire meal? No. Is the laundry EVER going to get DONE? Um, no. The timer, the crock pot, an awesome husband and ME time (I scrapbook) have been my saving graces. And guess what? We're waiting to be matched for our third. If he/she is born before Halloween, we'll have three under three.

We are all different and handle stressful situations differently - having kids is stressful. And the parenting pendulum swings VERY widely. I've learned to choose my battles carefully and to be resourceful and imaginative in how I handle behavioral and disciplinary issues. I have also learned to give myself a big break and congratulate myself on doing the best I can, and not what a friend or in-law or some magazine thinks I should or shouldn't be doing.

When Makena came home and I was faced with being home ALONE with two kids 15 months old and younger, I was VERY AFRAID. What had we done? But it was quite easier than I expected it to be - that doesn't mean it's easy, just easier than I expected. Everyone else was so freaked out by my kids being so close in age that I bought into the hysteria. You should hear what folks are saying about us having three!!!

I have had plenty of horrible days when I was in tears by the time DH got home, and a few times when sleep deprivation and PMS got together and reduced me to a quaking, sobbing blob for a few days. But I get over it, dust myself off, and head back for more.

Good luck and don't fret. You're not alone and I know we're all just doing the best we can.