[Curvyred]

I had a coworker make about his third comment about adoption being a way of "getting out of being pregnant."

Uh.

Now, I don't have fertility issues that I know of, but what a weird and potentially mean thing to say! I didn't think at ALL about pregnancy or "lack of" pregnancy when deciding to adopt!

I politely answered something about trading one set of issues (pregnancy) with another (adoption process) and that pregnancy or lack therof certainly wasn't a part of my decision to adopt.

If he says it again . . . and this is a guy I get along with well . . . I may have to "jokingly" ask him if he has some feelings of inferiority as a parent since he wasn't able to give birth to his biological children and was that why he keeps expressing his concern over me "missing out" on pregnancy.

How odd!

[coco46]

Curvy,

I'd be quite offended, especially since he KEEPS bringing it up. What could he be thinking?

Perhaps if he says it again, you could ask, kindly but firmly, "Why do you keep saying that? Have you adopted a child? Because if not, how could you possibly know what it involves emotionally?"

It would be interesting to see what his response is to that.

[sneezyone]

Here are my typical reponses...No, I wasn't pregnant with this child but yes, I have been pregnant and no, I didn't enjoy it. Yes, it might be nice to give birth (and we may still try) but I can't honestly say that I regret not having my own personal "labor story" to share. I have a different kind of "baby story" and I'm perfectly ok with that. No, I don't feel deprived, thank you very much. And for heaven's sake, why or WHY is this anyone else's business?

[Curvyred]

I'd be quite offended, especially since he KEEPS bringing it up. What could he be thinking?

I don't know! He actually caught himself the first time he said it a few weeks ago and stopped himself . . . that was after I said something about being open to adopting twins or siblings and he started up with "What, are you trying to get out of being . . ." and stopped.

He waited until after he confirmed that we plan to try for bio kids later on to really start with the whole "getting out of being pregnant" thing.

I don't know what his motivation is. Wouldn't he feel like an a** if I did have fertility issues?

I'm still a year away from adopting--I've just been talking with coworkers as I've been researching the process and he's one of the coworkers I get along with. I was too tired to deal with him this morning, but I'm not going to let it go for a year!

[Kymom2b]

Curvy,

Sorry you are having to deal with this guy. In general, I think most people just don't "get" adoption. From my own experiences, it seems that most people are more ignorant than anything else. I've also put a few people in the category of being "chronically mean"!!! We have had mixed reactions when telling people that we are going to adopt and unfortunately, more reactions are bad than good. Even though most of the people around us know that we have been TTC for six long years, they still continually say "You all are so young, you should try a little longer before adopting" or " Are you sure you can't get pregnant?" I want to scream at the top of my lungs "HELLO PEOPLE!!! A LITTLE SUPPORT WOULD BE NICE HERE!!!!

Then of course there's the old "At least you won't have to go through child birth!" Now I know that I haven't had a full-term pregnancy, but from what I can tell neither adoption or birth is a walk in the park. So, I guess you can say I don't fully understand the meaning of that comment, but it's frustrating just the same!

I have a co-worker who kept asking me every day if we had gotten "the call". For the first few days I was touched that he was concerned, then I started getting angry. I finally had to explain to him that while I appreciated his concern, being reminded everyday that we hadn't received any news was upsetting. He hasn't said a word since.

Good luck

[sugarbabysmommy]

This reminds me of that familiar line of thinking that adopting is the "easy way out." Easy way out of what? As if pregnancy is a woman's cross to bear in order for her to feel she's entitled have the joy of parenting. As if pregnancy is how woman are expected to pay for motherhood. Sounds to me like he has issues, does his wife stay home with their children, could he be resentful of that and be thinking well at least she earned it by being pregnant? If he's a good friend, tell him he's being a bummer.

[alwaysus]

Just for the record, I found adoption to be MUCH harder than pregnancy. ( 5 bio kids 2 adoption)The emotional issues can about KILL you. I think people are just ignorant about adoption.Unfortunatly in the US, there is no law against being stupid....

[Curvyred]

As if pregnancy is how woman are expected to pay for motherhood. Sounds to me like he has issues, does his wife stay home with their children, could he be resentful of that and be thinking well at least she earned it by being pregnant? If he's a good friend, tell him he's being a bummer

Not a great friend, but a good, friendly coworker. It was said in a joking manner rather than the direct, rude, obnoxious way that would warrant an immediate, equally rude comeback.

I have no issue snapping back at the rude people, it's the "joking around with you" folks that I generally get along with that I find harder to deal with. It's way too early in the game to start getting told that I'm overly sensitive, you know? And half of it doesn't phase me, but would be extremely rude in other circumstances and I don't want to encourage people to make potentially hurtful blanket statements, you know? About ANY issue.

It was a good learning day. I caught myself this afternoon in regards to a different issue. I got an e-mail from a friend saying that she just gave birth to baby #5. I called my mom to tell her and the first comments she had were, 1) haven't they figured out where those come from and 2) well, can they afford it? I'm ashamed to say that her second comment was one of my first thoughts too. Funny how much worse things sound out loud coming from someone else, isn't it? I told mom that was their business as a couple to decide and felt a little ashamed of us both.

[meimaemomma]

He's either "not using his filter" (as my ds, 4, says) and it's unintentional or he's trying to ask in a lighthearted way something that is too deeply personal and offensive to ask in more explicit terms: "Why adopt if you can be pregnant (or can't you be)?" I have one bio and we're waiting for dc#2 via adoption. People do ask, "Do you mind if I ask why?" If I care at all about them, I'm in the position to answer (and it's complex, as all life decisions, so if they really want to know they're in for it!). If I care but don't have the energy: "Love makes you do crazy things." Because we love this hypothetical child intensely. Intensely enough to go through this. If I don't care, or if it's in a public setting, "Yes" is a perfectly fine answer. We do not need to discuss our biology or our intentions with other people, but we will face in one way or another the common conception that you don't do this if you don't "have to" (whatever that means. Aargh).
My answer to this "to get out of pregnancy thing" would probably be as follows: "What I'd really like to get out of is the mountain of paperwork and the emotional strain of adoption but (like pregnancy and delivery) can't have the child without the pain," and a shrug.
If you've just shared the news (or it has just spread), I doubt he'll continue talking about it for a year. At first, people will ask you or say odd things every minute and a half, but if it's a long wait before you're actually in the thick of it, the idea will settle in.

[mamacrina]

"What I'd really like to get out of is the mountain of paperwork and the emotional strain of adoption but (like pregnancy and delivery) can't have the child without the pain,"

Excellent answer!

[ahimsa]

Oh...I've heard similar comments...so I feel for you! I had a semi-good-friend whom I was talking to about pottytraining when our kids moved in. I commented on the fact that our daughter was fully pottytrained and our son was about to begin the process.

His response was "No diapers...that's not really parenting!" He was kidding...but it didn't matter. Right...diapers is what defines a parent. We actually had several months of diapers and still do at night. It wasn't a biggy. In fact I preferred changing diapers to changing soiled clothes and sheets constantly. And now...as I'm dealing with hair pulling and attachment disorder...boy do I wish "diapering" were my worst parenting task!

Oh the things people say...

[LisaCA]

I think we all think and say catty things about each other. Heck, I giggled when I read the comment about the "don't they know where those come from?" The key difference is that you didn't say that to her face. For me that's key. Folks can think or say whatever they want, just don't think it's funny to say to me. This is where tact comes into play .

I have to say that I'm sure the lack of pregnancy is one of the things that I find attractive about adoption. Certainly not the only thing, or the main thing, nor does it compensate for the invasion of privacy or the mounds of paperwork that never end. I personally find pregancy akin to the movie Alien, a living thing consuming your insides -of course, that's an unpopular view of pregnancy (and good thing too, since the species would die out rapidly).

He must really be wishing to talk about something, since it's burning a hole in his pocket. maybe a discussion about your reproductive organs and how they actually function (something graphic to discourage him from the discussion again) will be useful. Or maybe a discussion of how, if you were infertile, this would be hard to hear repeatedly... or maybe just a whack on the head next time he says something. Or maybe just say "look, most people can have a child, but only a few are able to adopt!" that should leave him wondering...

Lisa

[sugarbabysmommy]

It's all in the delivery I guess, telling someone they are being a bummer- I did not say bum which is an insult. I understood that he made his comments in the light joking manner you described, that's why I suggested the come back that I did. I have told friends that certain comments, even jokes can be a bummer. That's why I asked if he was a good friend, since I would never say this to a casual person but to a person who knew me well and understood my tone.

I agree, it's the well intentioned folks or the folks who are joking around that I also find hard to deal with. Sometimes there is no avoiding it, seeming to be oversensitive, because no matter how hard you try to moderate your voice or make light of things said, your feelings of "enough already" come through. This is where simply walking away can come in handy.

[srusse24]

I get a lot of "why's?". Um, why not, and by the way... it's none of your business. I cannot get over how forward people are with their questions. I want to ask "Did your mother ever teach you any manners?" I don't mind answering to close friends and close family, but for heaven's sake, we have aunts, uncles, and acuaintances making comments.


And unfortunatley, we do not feel supported by many people. Our parents, siblings, and close friends are supportive, but much of our family is not. We are young and only tried to get pregnant for about a year. We didn't use adoption as a "last resort", we chose it. This is very difficult for people to understand.

[spaypets]

It's funny with all the people who know about my DD's adoption only 3 have asked me why we adopted, all aquaintances (a co-worker, my hairdresser, and a woman I knew vaguely in HS who is friends with the mother of one of DD's friends). It was the HS acquaintance who was the only one that I thought was out of line (she asked a bunch of inappropriate questions, while telling me and DH waay too much about her kids' conception and her reproductive issues).

I suppose everyone else just assumes we're infertile (technically we are, but it's a little less straightforward than that). When we announced we were adopting via letter to all our friends and family, we included a list of frequently asked questions, and basically said "There are lots of ways to create a family and adoption is the way we choose to create ours."