[maxkinzie]

Not a BAD issue but it has been on my mind these past couple weeks. We're in a semi-open currently, eventually to be open (we all agree). Both BMom and our agency are down south. When all this Katrina disaster happened I was horrified to realize that IF the agency 'went away", or closed or something, BMom would have no way to find us when she wanted to. I think it would be a good idea for all of DD's people to know how to find each other.

In other words I'm wanting to push making this Open sooner than later, to (DH), I highly doubt BMom would object.

Am interested in anybody's experiences in going from SemiOpen to Open. I can NOT fathom a reason in our case that we'd regret it, but if someone has a legitimate reason to hold off I'd rather hear it now than later.

Hope this came out clearly, we all agree to open this eventually (DD is 9 mos old), I just don't want to look back and wish I'd have learned more/asked more questions, make sense?

As always, Thank you all, we'd never have gotten here without the support of these boards!
max

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by maxkinzie

Am interested in anybody's experiences in going from SemiOpen to Open. I can NOT fathom a reason in our case that we'd regret it, but if someone has a legitimate reason to hold off I'd rather hear it now than later.

In her book, How to Open an Adoption, Patricia Dorner states that the soonedr you open an adoption the easier it is for the child. They can grow up "always knowing". I would get the book. It is full of good advice and guidence.

[banjo]

I think that you have a good point - imagine that precious information being lost through no fault of both sides and effectively closing an open adoption. Even if things don't move forward as you'd like, If nothing else happens i think you as the parents need to have as much info on the birthfamily as possible to help answer questions as they crop up. Good luck.

[sandymomof2]

I have a few questions....

What level of contact do you have now in your semi-open status? And what level of contact do you expect to have once the adoption is opened? This probably needs to be spelled out, and may make dh more comfortable with opening the adoption early.

We adopted 2 girls (both privately), and the situations with their birthfamilies are a bit different, although they are both (I think) considered open adoptions. We met both sets of bfamilies when our daughters were born, but have not seen either since. DD#1's bfamily was in California, and by law, CA is an open adoption state. The bfamily knows our last name, address, phone number, etc. We know how to get in touch with them as well. We send pictures several times a year, and email more frequently. They (bmom and bgrandma) send Christmas gifts to both girls and bday gifts to their bdaughter/bgranddaughter. We just sent a gift to the bmom for the 1st time.

With our 2nd daughter (born in another state as well, but not CA), we got a post office box in another town so they can send stuff to us if they want to (hasn't happened yet but they said they were going to put a photo album together for dd). They don't know our last name or address (I think!). We know how to get in touch with them and send pictures/updates several times a year as well as more frequent emails. When dd was born, they asked what level of contact we had with our older daughter's bfamily and wanted to do the same regarding gifts, etc so that dd wouldn't be treated differently, but unfortunately this hasn't happened yet. She's still too young (not quite 2) to realize it, but she will soon enough.

In either case, if we had medical questions, etc. we could ask them.

[MMC66]

Hi Max,
Ours is an open adoption with Addy's bmom in that she knows our number and our address. We still haven't visited due to all her crises since Addy's birth but we still plan to.

Ours is far from ideal and I still am glad it is what it is. We have had to set limits and be strong when bmom behaves inappropriately but she truly loves Addy and we love her dearly.

I don't know all the circumstances but the geographical distance means that the chances that she'll drop by unannounced are slim so probably not a worry.

Like I said, even though we don't have the perfect open adoption, I think that sharing information shows that you plan to continue your relationship and that there is trust. She is probably experiencing the same fears you are about losing touch. I'd say go for it. the book "How to open an adoption" is very helpful.

Good Luck,
Martha

[cathy102]

I would do something... In our case with Sean's birthmom. The Agency we used lost their License this year and I had NO WAY to contact H. I sent letters and pictures through the Agency before they closed. H sent letters and pictures to the Agency but I NEVER got any of them... So, in about May of this year, H found me here on the Site.. I was so happy that she did. Now we email, and send letters and pictures directly to each other... I wouldn't trust another Agency to send things to me!!!

Best of luck to you!!!

[LisaCA]

my husband had a harder issue with the openness thing than i did initially, but he's come on board and is thrilled ours is open. I would just suggest to the bfamily that you skip the agency send stuff directly to each other. We did that. Ours was to be open, but during our first call we gave them all our info including email addresses, cell phones and the like, just to let them know they could always reach us. Since then I've given them family info in case of emergency (like my sister's info) just in case there was an earthquake here and they couldn't reach us but could reach my sister.

ours is definitely one of the best case scenarios. the family is stable, middle class values (so we share many of the same experiences and outlook), no drug or other issues involved. If we met tomorrow, we'd instantly like each other, so there's little "work" involved with staying in touch.

sometimes dhs are harder to convince, but if you're a good wife you know how to convince him . For dh, the issue was time to get used to an idea. He's very precise, not one for surprises and instant change. So I present an idea, let it sit, then talk about it again, present a bit more info each time, then back off, then again, etc, til he caves. Sometimes it takes two years, but i always win . The open adoption thing actually took only a few months, but once he talked to them and realized he had a connection, poof, we were giving out our info. Btw, bfamily had reservations initially too, but after a week, poof, we were exchanging all sorts of private stuff . I think it's normal for dh to show some concern, but I've rarely heard about things going the way of a lifetime channel movie .

good luck! I think it's a great idea.

Lisa