[wannabeamommy]

Has anyone received or read the Oct. issue of Parents magazine yet? I just got mine today and I sat down to read it tonight and I am just disgusted!!!

The article "Diary of an adoption" is a condensed journal of an adoptive mom in CO. It is about their open adoption and how she feels about it. I am just so angry because it focuses and exaggerates every crappy stereotype of open adoption and of birthparents.

I was appalled as I read that she thought the match that was made was great because the birthmom (they do not refer to her a pbmom) would be moving out of state after the birth. When she didn't the amom focused on that and seemed bugged that she was so close. She (amom) mentions that the birthmom was using pot and that she kind of wanted to back out but the adad kept saying that there was never going to be a perfect scenario and the baby need a good home and why not theirs. The Amom talks about the baby being born with THC in its system and how angry she was at the Bmom. Now, I agree it is too bad the Bmom chose to smoke pot during the pregnancy but to paint her as such a villain is just horrible. There is so little love or compassion expressed by the amom. It made me want to pull my hair and scream.

Here was the part that made me so sick... I am going to quote here from the article... I hope that is ok.

"The Birthfather came to the hospital around 2 A.M., looking like he'd been drinking all night. He cried when he saw the baby and claimed that he hadn't been told the whole truth about the adoption plans. He's already signed the paperwork, but it was a very uncomfortable situation for us. Later McKell (that's the baby) was circumcised but the nurses wouldn't let me in the room because I wasn't "officially" his mother. That really upset me."

OH MY GOSH! The nerve of this woman! She is completely oblivious and snide about the Bparents feelings and emotions and is angry because the nurses weren't treating her as the "official" mother. WELL GUESS WHAT!?!?! You are NOT the "official" mother yet!

This part made me cry...

When it was time for us to take McKell home , there was a major scene. As we were leaving the hospital, the birth mom was screaming and crying after us saying "I'm not ready to let go of him. Do we have to do it right now?" We were terrified.

I am so angry I am shaking. I can just imagine that poor girls terror and pain and these cruel people just walking away. Why not give her some more time!!! what would it hurt to let her take the time she needs. I am just sick.

Anyway the journal goes on and it is all happy that the Bparents rights are terminated and then that the adoption is finalized. I focuses a lot on how they Bmom wants more contact with them than they want. Also how they are not happy that she didn't move out of State like she had planned and that she lived close.

I am really sickened... I think they did nothing but hurt the common perception of open adoption and perpetuate the negative stereotypes that society has of birthparents.

I plan on writing a letter to Parents magazine to let them know how disappointed I am at them for printing this negative and hurtful piece.

[BrandyHagz]

They have a forum, not that it would do any good...but here is the "Tell Us What You Think" link, so you can Tell them what you think

http://www.parents.com/submit_form/tell_us.jsp

I don't subscribe, so I haven't read it...but hopefully others will

[wannabeamommy]

Thank you Brandy... I went to that link and this is what I wrote

I was extremely disappointed with the article "Diary of an adoption. This piece did nothing but perpetuate the negative stereotypes of open adoption and of Birth Parents.

Birth Parents are not all drug addicts who push the limits and boundaries of an adoption. In fact I thought that the article and the journal was very cold and one sided. It showed no concern for the Birth Parents and their feelings. There was a lack of understanding and compassion that I found appalling.

As an adoptive mother an open adoption I was deeply disappointed that you would print such a negative piece that showed such little respect for the Birth Family.

I can tell you a few ways in which I feel very differently from the adoptive Mother in this piece. Before the paper were signed and before we left the hospital there was only one "official" mother, and that was not me. The Birth Mother is not only the "official" Mom, but also the only "Mom" until she signs those papers. After the papers are signed there are two Moms, the Birth Mom and the Adoptive Mom. I can also tell you that if my daughter's Birth Mother had been as upset as the Birth Mother in this article I would have done anything I could to help and comfort her. If she was screaming and crying that she wasn't ready I would have given her more time. I never could have felt good about taking my daughter home under those circumstances. To say that they felt “terrified” is just ridiculous, that was just a cop out to make them feel better about abandoning the baby’s Birth Mother like that.

I hope that in the future you will be more careful of printing such one sided and negative articles.

Sincerely,
Rachel *********

I kept getting an error message on the Parents website, so I am going to try to send it again.

Anyone who has ready it please let them know how you feel. They so rarely focus on adoption and I hate that when they did this time it was so negative.

[coco46]

This isn't the first time a "parenting" magazine has printed a stereotypical depiction of Open Adoption. Sadly, they seem to focus mainly on those things when articles about adoption are presented.

I understand that when they're presenting a "journal" or personal essay format, it's going to be subjective. I understand that adoptive parents can be feeling scared, upset, or angry too. But come on. In so many stories HERE, I've seen afamilies come shining through, respectful, loving, and compassionate, in extremely difficult circumstances with bparents. I've seen birthparents making the very best they can of their open adoptions, being supportive and active in the relationship, despite their personal feelings of loss, sadness, or regret. This is the best that "Parents" can do? At the very least, they should present an alternate viewpoint, either from a birthparent or from an adoptive family whose experience was more positive, side-by-side with this story.

No wonder paparents sometimes automatically discount open adoption as an option for them when they're deciding! If this type of story is all they have to work with, I can understand their initial reluctance.

I'm sorry to hear about this one...I'm a subscriber to "Parents", so I will be reading the article carefully and sending off a strongly worded opinion to them as well.

[Overwhelmed!]

I haven't gotten my issue of Parents yet, but when I do I'll read and be sure to send a response to the link provided in this thread! What the heck was this magazine thinking in publishing something like this?!

[icunurse]

Thanks for the link. I posted my disgust with the article on another adoption forum. I hated that the author kept referring to her son's bmom as "the birthmom" (sounds so cold) and seems to be counting the moments until bmom leaves town. Besides the other two areas discussed in the original post (about the tearful reactions from bmom and bdad - nevermind the authors responses!), I also disliked how she described seeing bfamily with her son, seeing them show him affection, and how "I'm trying to be patient, but I can't even stand to watch". I'll be writing the magazine and would gladly offer up our experience for a follow-up article. *sigh* I expected more from a national PARENTING magazine...

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by icunurse

I also disliked how she described seeing bfamily with her son, seeing them show him affection, and how "I'm trying to be patient, but I can't even stand to watch". I'll be writing the magazine and would gladly offer up our experience for a follow-up article. *sigh* I expected more from a national PARENTING magazine...

Ugh...this is just sick. It makes my heart melt to hear all of you wonderful adoptive moms stand up and try and educate about open adoption! Like one other poster said, yes this is a journal type article and so it's going to be subjective and we aren't going to agree with everything the writer says. However, as an editor wouldn't you try and make sure most of it is not offensive.

[wannabeamommy]

I am a little calmer than I was last night but I am still so sad and dissapointed.

icunurse, during my vent/rant I didn't even get to the part that you mentioned...

Originally Posted by icunurse
I also disliked how she described seeing bfamily with her son, seeing them show him affection, and how "I'm trying to be patient, but I can't even stand to watch". I'll be writing the magazine and would gladly offer up our experience for a follow-up article. *sigh* I expected more from a national PARENTING magazine...

I too was so dissaponted by those comments. I am just baffled at how she couldn't stand to people loving her son. When my DD's Birthmom, "A", is holding her and playing with her I don't know who smiles bigger, me or DD. I love sharing the joy that "A" has when she she sees DD.

The lack of love, compassion and just plain human respect is so dissapointing to me.

I am getting all worked up again so I better stop before I start pulling out my hair!

I am very comforted to know that I was not the only one that was upset by this. I hope that Parents get lots of feedback on this article/journal. I hope that they write a more positive open adoption piece in the future with an afamily that truely wants and loves open adoption, not people who is just "putting up with it". I would also love to see an article from a birthparent perspective.

[icunurse]

I just tried to send an email and the link for "letters to the editor" isn't working. I, too, said that I hope they will print an article in the future describing an adoption plan from a birthparents perspective (as it is a parent magazine). I said that their readers could benefit more from seeing the love and thought that goes into making a plan versus the extreme situation they printed in this month's magazine. I will keep trying to send it through....

[lmvsmom]

I was glad to see this post because I just read this article today. I agree with the original poster that this story put a really negative light on open adoption. To be totally honest, after reading it, I sighed and thought, 'Thank goodness I don't have to deal with that while doing an international adoption!' All I could pick up from the adoptive mother was her tremendous fear and insecurity during the whole story. But now that you point it out, she really did seem "cold" and cruel.

I would really prefer to see more positive stories of adoption, domestic and international, open and closed.

I also read an article recently, maybe in "Parenting" magazine written by an adoptive father. He and his wife adopted a little boy from somewhere in Africa, and he discussed the language barrier they encountered. However, it was a good, positive article. That's what I want to see more of!

[tobeafamily]

I haven't read the article yet, for sure I will and I will likely also comment.

Honestly, though, I see more positive, well written stuff about adoption from this magazine than not.

For instance, here's this from Ages & Stages:

http://www.parents.com/articles/ages...225.jsp?page=1

"My worst nightmare was that I'd get a baby and then someone would take her away," Jeanene Cockrell says. This possibility continues to haunt prospective adoptive parents, despite the fact that less than one percent of finalized adoptions are challenged legally, according to the North American Council on Adoptable Children, in Saint Paul. (Experts acknowledge, however, that in up to 30 percent of cases, birth mothers legally change their mind before relinquishment is final.)

That said, the role birth parents play in adoption has unquestionably increased. Often, they screen applicants and choose a couple to be their child's parents. Some states now offer more assistance to birth parents in the form of mandatory preadoption counseling and minimum waiting periods before relinquishment. These safeguards can be scary for adoptive parents, but they actually reduce the risk of a contested adoption. Indeed, experts say, the best way to minimize future legal challenges is to make sure that the rights of the birth mother have been surrendered legally and voluntarily.

Despite the increasing prevalence of open adoptions -- in seven of ten adoptions, all parties have met one another -- most adoptive parents are afraid of ongoing contact with birth parents. They needn't be. "It's fear of the unknown," says Ron Weltzheimer, of Edmond, Oklahoma, an adoptive father of three: fear that the birth mother will change her mind if she remains in contact, fear that the child won't attach to them if the birth parents are involved, and fear that a third party will intrude in the family's life.

Weltzheimer, who sends letters and photos to his children's birth mothers, originally wanted closed adoptions. He changed his mind after he watched his first child's birth mother hand over the baby. "It was very emotional," he recalls. "She wants the best for the child and likes getting this information."

Prospective parents also worry about health and behavioral problems because it's often difficult to know whether a child received proper prenatal care or was exposed to drugs and alcohol before birth. Although experts say such problems are rare, they suggest using a reputable agency and gathering as much medical information about the child as possible. In 1994, Christine Wynne, 50, of Oakland, California, was sent a 5-minute video and a brief medical chart on 20-month-old Roman; she brought both to a pediatrician for review. She learned that the Russian-born toddler was underweight, developmentally delayed, and had juvenile cataracts but otherwise appeared healthy.

I've also read stories from birth mothers on their experience in this magazine. Honestly, it's one of the reasons why I subscribe to Parents.

Argh. Well, I'm sharpening my pencil.

Regina

[icunurse]

Regina -
I have also found Parents to usually be decent in their reporting in relation to adoption (and I mentioned that in my letter to them - just disappointed in this article). However, when you check their website, the site is actually much better....it has mroe articles and even a story from a bmom. If only they'd share to the larger population....

Parents.com feature []
By Jennifer Davidson
A birth mother describes the heartbreak of parting with the child she had grown to love

[tobeafamily]

That makes sense, ICU.

Believe me, when I read it, take the whole thing in, I expect my pen will be a-flaming. I like to read the original source though so I can wrap my mind around it.



Regina

[Hope4myson]

You have some nerve yourself to think that every adoption should be done to fit your cookie cutter mold. Some adoptions go wonderfully and some do not. This is HER experience. Not yours. I don't care if you think it perpetuated stereotypes. If this is what she had to deal with then who are you to say she can't openly tell her story.

[Hope4myson]

Originally Posted by wannabeamommy

I was extremely disappointed with the article "Diary of an adoption. This piece did nothing but perpetuate the negative stereotypes of open adoption and of Birth Parents.

Birth Parents are not all drug addicts who push the limits and boundaries of an adoption. In fact I thought that the article and the journal was very cold and one sided. It showed no concern for the Birth Parents and their feelings. There was a lack of understanding and compassion that I found appalling.

As an adoptive mother an open adoption I was deeply disappointed that you would print such a negative piece that showed such little respect for the Birth Family.

.

BUT SOME ARE... as an adoptive mom also I find it appalling that you can dismiss the experiences of others who do have to deal with difficult relationships in adoption. Are all of us on the other side of the coin supposed to sit back and keep our mouths shut just to please you? Can you get off your politically correct high horse for just a moment to see that others may not be as fortunate as you? I am glad that my agency made us do interviews with everyone. Birthmoms, adopitive moms, fostermoms, people who are reunited, people with open and closed adoptions. As a class they told us their stories. Some where wonderful and some where horrible. We went into this knowing that there were several posible outcomes to our attempt to make a family through adoption. I am glad that we were informed. I would have never thought it would have turned out as horrible as it did. But at least I can say that I was warned. I can't imagine the shock this all would have been if I had not heard the bad with the good. I think it is wrong to make adoption out to be this wonderfull happy fairtale that will turn out happy for everyone, because sometimes it does not.