[lashicks]

We just flew home today with our 4-year-old son from Taiwan. I wish I could undo everything. He's a nice, normal kid, I just don't have any maternal feelings for him. My husband thinks I'm dazed from the jet lag. I didn't feel anything when we first saw him in person at the orphanage to take him home. I want my family the way it was, just my two little ones (three and two) and that's it. I don't even feel all that guilty - I just don't feel much of anything.

Anyone have any advice?

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

I adopted a 2 year old 2.5 years ago from Bulgaria. For the first several weeks I felt like I was babysitting my daughter. I remember before I brought her home people telling me "Oh the moment she is in your arms you will love her like nothing else" Boy, I often thought "Is this all I am capable of loving?" Since I was a first time mom, and single, I had no maternal feelings to compare it too.

Over time, those feelings grew. For me, within 6 weeks I loved her a lot. Now, she is my world.

This child is new to you. Even though you have probably been looking at a picture for several months, it is not the same. You should not expect to have the same feelings for this child that you do for your other children the moment you meet him. Some people do, others don't. It is OK. Give yourself time. BUT, please treat him like you do your other children. Hold him, kiss him, rock him, just like you would your other children. This will help you bond as much as him, and that child really needs to feel welcomed right now.

Kay

[mommieof2cuties]

I agree with what Kay said, some of us like myself have those feelings for everything. Others it takes time.

God Bless,
Summer

[lambeausam]

I think you are being too hard on yourself and probably trying to meet unfair expectations that you have set. This little person is new to your life. Even though you have spent a good amount of time thinking and dreaming about him, you haven't yet had the opportunity to really get to know him. In all fairness to you, allow yourself the time to build the relationship.

Good luck!

Sam

[dadfor2]

give it time....you just met him...some people just dont fall in love with someone they first meet.

maybe your expectations were just to high on what this was suppose to look like.

the rose colored glasses are off, and that 'dream' of what this all was suppose to look like, was just a dream.

so i agree with the other posters...give it time. its only been a day....

[Shoshana]

It must be quite disconcerting to find yourself so disconnected from your new son -- especially if you had expected 'love at first sight.'

Feelings are neither bad nor good - they simply serve an informative purpose. What information is contained in the feelings (yes, even numbness and disconnection are feelings) that you are experiencing? After you try to analyze the meaning of this new experience, then you need to put a plan of action into place.

Although feelings themselves are neutral, the behaviors associated with them are not. If you behave in a way that is consistent with your feelings, then most people would put some sort of 'bad' or 'wrong' label on those behaviors. However, we can change our behaviors much much more easily than we can change our feelings. You can make a conscious decision to **ACT** AS IF you love your son. You can provide for all of his needs, feeding, clothing, changing, playing, and most of all, carrying and loving. Act as if you love him and make your behaviors consistent with how you imagine a loving mother would behave with a son.

Over time, your feelings will gradually change to become consistent with your behavior. In other words, changing the behavior will lead to a change in feelings. It is hard to directly change an emotion. Targeting the behavior instead is much more effective.

I completely understand what you are saying, and your experiences are in no way abnormal. Although some people experience immediate 'love at first sight', many argue that this emotion is rather shallow compared to the love that develops gradually over a period of time.

This time is CRITICALLY important - for you, your family, and most importantly, for the little child you brought to this country.

Best wishes, and please keep us posted.

[Nevada Jen]

What you are experiencing is normal from my experience. You have just pushed through one of the most stressful periods of your life. You dealt with months of anticipation, worry, and fear. If the end result were something other than a child (say, completion of defending your thesis) you would expect yourself to feel let down and numb from the experience. One of my friends who adopted from China had a very similar experience. From the whirlwind of all the little things she had to do to prove she was worthy of adopting from China and then everything that had to be done with baby in China, she did not really even think of the baby as her own until she got home from China and then she realized that she did not much like her or having an additional child. She gradually over the course of about 6 months got over it and by the time they finalized it was as if the baby had always been there and she loved her just as much as her bio child.

You have gotten good advice. Fake it with the child until you really feel it. But also, if it continues to bother you after a few weeks get some help working through your feelings from someone experienced with international toddler adoption.

And make sure you update us when it gets better. You could also try posting this on the Guatamala board. It is a very active board and I am sure you will find lots of people who have been through what you are going through.

Jen

[lucyjoy]

Your post bothers me. Not because you want your life back. I do think that's normal. But you said you didn't feel anything when you saw the child in the orphanage. My first question is then why did you bring him home?
Not saying this to be mean. I adopted a child 3 years ago from another family. The mother described her feelings much like you do. She got to Romania, felt like she had to bring this child back(he was close to 6 at the time) and struggled for almost 5 years to parent him. He did/does have behavior issues.

I also know that you don't instantly bond with a four year old. It takes a lot of time and energy and with 2 younger children, I can understand your husband thinking you may be worn out. I would be.

If this is going to work out, you have to decide that you are this child's mother and your other children are his siblings. You have to work on forming a loving connection with this little boy. He needs you to do that if he's going to be in your family. He's lost. Everything familiar to him is gone. He's in a new place, with a new language, with strangers he doesn't know. He's likely terrified. If he's not showing signs of fear, I'd be concerned about the use of the word "normal" to describe him.

I hope your family finds the right answers to your situation and that things improve for you quickly. Being the parent to 3 little children is a challenge without the complications of language barriers and getting to know a 4 year old. Many parents have felt like you do.

[Dad79]

You already had 2 children of your own, if you weren't excited about this, why adopt.

We don't have any children. I'm not real emotional usually, but every time I look at pictures of these kids and think that I may get the chance to be a father to one of them, I feel like I'm going to cry or something.

I see that a lot of people adopting already have kids, so their motives aren't like ours-wanting to have a kid and not able for whatever reason. So I wonder sometimes, if you have your own, why bother, unless you're really into it? My cousin had a son and his wife couldn't have anymore kids and they wanted 2, a boy and a girl, so they adopted a girl from Ukraine and we're going though this VERY HARD, INTENSE, TIME/MONEY CONSUMING process to adopt a child from Russia, I can't imagine doing ALL OF THIS without wanting it that badly?

[Jensboys]

I had a biological 2 year old when we brought home our two sons. My first feelings upon meeting my boys were not the "glowing light of love" that some others talk about -- it was TERROR. What on earth had I DONE???

However one wise social worker had told me that (like Shoshana said) you FAKE it until you feel it. I was prepared that my feelings for these two little strangers (then) were going to be different than my "feelings" for my existing son. I also knew though, without a shadow of a doubt, that my DEDICATION to my new sons and my committment to them was the same. BECAUSE of that, I was willing to fight past those feelings (or lack thereof) and work at it. Sometimes it was REALLY hard. Acting without feelings. I loved the IDEA of my sons, but the reality of two little traumatized, sad and angry little boys was sometimes very hard.

Slowly, slowly the feelings came. 9 months later I knew I would die and kill for them ... three years later I didnt ever have to internally check to make sure I was treating them all the same. It just WAS - we were family, they were my sons.

Saying all that, I have just finished working with a family that adopted a son d that have just disrupted after two years. The combination of the attachment issues in the child, and the mother's lack of ability to get past her feelings became too much for the entire family. I would STRONGLY encourage you, if these feelings continue - to address them right away. Get help, reach out, talk to a counsellor, an attachment therapist.

But also -- ACT like you love him. ACT like he is the center of your world and a treasured addition to your family .. even if you dont feel that way. Trust me - the feelings WILL follow your actions.

Jen

[danhanan]

Please don't be hard on yourself. You all need time to make a big adjustment. I'll bet that in time, (and certainly not tomorrow or next week) things will change. You need time to get to know and understand each other, and to become comfortable with each other before you can start feeling attached.

[icunurse]

I just wanted to echo what everyone else has said - you've been through a lot and now everything is a bit new on the system. I would think that having an older child from a different country is just as exhausting as having a newborn, with trying to create a new balance within the family, trying to bond, trying to get settled. I don't think you're feeling anything wrong or even abnormal, just maybe overwhelmed by it all. Please try not to be too hard on yourself and just take the time ti get settled and love that child. Don't be afraid to talk or ask for help. Additionally, there is a book out there "The Post-Adoption Blues", which can help you to realize that the feelings you are having are felt by a lot of people who adopt (and go on to have wonderful relationships with their child). Take care.

[lashicks]

Thanks everyone. I absolutely have been giving our new son a ton of affection and love, and he's such a good little guy, he's already growing on me. His little sister (by six months) adores him, and he keeps hugging his 2-year-old brother, so it's pretty hard not to fall for him. I am super whacked out as far as sleeping schedules, so that could be some of it. Also, my husband did none of the paperwork, so he had a different kind of stress, I think. When I gave birth to my daughter, I remember my husband trying to hand her to me and being incredibly excited, but after 18 hours of labor (the dog stayed up with me that night), I was so tired and over it, I didn't even feel like holding my daughter. Obviously, that changed pretty quickly, as I'm sure this will. After all, I am the one whose heart fluttered when I first saw his picture!

Thank you again, for the support. Just wanted to feel like I'm not the only one out there...

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

Glad to hear things look better today! Congratulations on your new addition and the crazyness it brings!

Kay

[mattecook]

It is so good to hear that you are aggressively working on learning to love this little guy!!! It will come and he will soon be the light of your world. You are not alone as I know that many many people have walked in your shoes and look back to see it only as a bump in the road not a mountain.



dad79-- why adopt if you already have bio children?? I don't have bio children BUT my plan was always to adopt bio children or not!! There are many people in the world who are so humbled by the experience of adoption and bringing in a new member of to the family that it doesn't matter whether they come to you by birth or by heart. The original poster didn't say she didn't want this little guy badly or that the adoption wasn't wanted desperatly she simple was concerned of her lack of motherly feelings in the short term.

Ami