[shoeshopping]

Hopingformore, I am sorry if you feel attacked on this thread but this is serious stuff. As a parent, IMO, you have to live your life to a higher standard because you have the HUGE responsibility of having and raising children.

I am confused how some crimes are "not that big of a deal" on the potential aparent side, yet on other threads, I read post after post complaining about bmother's drug use, crime convictions, etc., and it should not be a double standard.

Um. As for the post trying to justify smoking/buying/possessing pot while the children are away...I am sorry, but I think that is horrible. I figure if I would be an absolute WRECK if I found out my children did that type of behavior, then it is best I not do that behavior whether they are around or not. PERIOD.

I cannot condone my daughter's drug use when I am not around and I SURELY cannot condone my drug use when the kids are away. I am shocked that others feel some crimes should be poo-pooed while others are seen as very serious. I cannot believe any illegal drug would be acceptable to parents when it is apparent that pot or excessive alcohol use leads to other negative behaviors and harsher drug use/experimentation.

The best rule of thumb for me is: If I would be DEVASTATED by my children following in my footsteps, then I should not be doing it.

[hopingformore]

Didn't say it wasn't serious stuff...said it wasn't what I intended in asking the questions. I was asking for advice on how or if I might adopt another child, not a debate on whether I should be allowed to.

I don't recall trying to justify smoking pot? Can you point that out in my original post or subsequent post? Thanks. I also don't recall saying that some crimes are "not a big deal" while attacking birth parents in other threads. Can you show me where I did that, please? Thanks.

As I was saying, this post is officially hijacked. Interesting debate, but far far afield from where it started.

[shoeshopping]

Quote: My husband has a criminal record for a non-violent felony. Very stupid mistake that he is paying for. He is on probation now and will be for another 2 years. We had adopted several years before this all happened and very much want to adopt another child. I am sincere in my desire and in my request for help - I'm not a crack pot.


I am sorry. It is hard to give any advice when no one knows what the felony is. And it is a difficult topic being people feel strongly about what you posted.

Good luck!

[sneezyone]

Originally Posted by shoeshopping

Hopingformore, I am sorry if you feel attacked on this thread but this is serious stuff. As a parent, IMO, you have to live your life to a higher standard because you have the HUGE responsibility of having and raising children.

I am confused how some crimes are "not that big of a deal" on the potential aparent side, yet on other threads, I read post after post complaining about bmother's drug use, crime convictions, etc., and it should not be a double standard.

Um. As for the post trying to justify smoking/buying/possessing pot while the children are away...I am sorry, but I think that is horrible. I figure if I would be an absolute WRECK if I found out my children did that type of behavior, then it is best I not do that behavior whether they are around or not. PERIOD.

I cannot condone my daughter's drug use when I am not around and I SURELY cannot condone my drug use when the kids are away. I am shocked that others feel some crimes should be poo-pooed while others are seen as very serious. I cannot believe any illegal drug would be acceptable to parents when it is apparent that pot or excessive alcohol use leads to other negative behaviors and harsher drug use/experimentation.

The best rule of thumb for me is: If I would be DEVASTATED by my children following in my footsteps, then I should not be doing it.

This is not a really great comparison. A better one would be that potential bparents are not turned away at the door for drug use or any other bad behavior, instead they are presented to families willing to overlook the potential impact of those behaviors. Likewise, Hoping would merely like the option of being presented to people willing to overlook/discuss/deal with her circumstances. So long as her circumstances are disclosed to the SW/pbparents/agency and the crime/punishment poses no threat to the health of the child, why is this anyone's business?

[w8ting2badad]

Hopingformore,
I am sorry if I started the hijacking with the pot talk. Just wanted to let you know that some birthmoms, thankfuly, understand we are all not perfect. I am sure it will be more difficult with your husbands history, but if its what you really want, I wish you luck.

[shoeshopping]

Quote: This is not a really great comparison. A better one would be that potential bparents are not turned away at the door for drug use or any other bad behavior, instead they are presented to families willing to overlook the potential impact of those behaviors. Likewise, Hoping would merely like the option of being presented to people willing to overlook/discuss/deal with her circumstances. So long as her circumstances are disclosed to the SW/pbparents/agency and the crime/punishment poses no threat to the health of the child, why is this anyone's business?

Sure, pbparents are not "turned away at the door" because of the demand for babies and aparents are willing to overlook the risk. And maybe pbparents should look at the record of potential adoptive couples so they can either a] realize they are human, too and make mistakes; or b] realize their choice for placing may not be placing their child in a better environment than their own.

Interesting.

I gather from experience and posts that it is assumed that pbparents assume if the paparents are with an agency, then all the background checks are in order and the aparents presented are not criminals. No one can really say if the crime/punishment poses no threat to the health of the child as it depends on the crime. Even non-violent crimes can be harmful to the health of the child.

As for pbparents being honest about drug use, etc., perhaps paparents should follow suit and let the pbparents know prior to being matched that they sometimes smoke doobies from time to time and see how it works out!

good luck!

[w8ting2badad]

shoeshopping,
My understanding is that bparents have full access to homestudy, if they choose to look at it or not is thier choice. Your last paragraph is exactly how our match went, although I no longer smoke ganja. We have a wonderfull daughter and so far a great relationship with bparents and thier families!

[79nic]

I was never offered the opportunity to look at homestudies..... just the aparent profiles and Dear Expectant Parent letters..... and of course I was able to interview the p-aparents, but it never once occurred to me to ask if they had ever committed any felonies.

[crick]

Reminder from The Moderator....

Let's get the thread back on track and stop with the personal jabs please.

Thanks,
Crick

[hopingformore]

I think the actual charges are irrelevant to the original discussion. It might give more fodder for personal attacks and judgments, but it isn't informative to the questions I asked.

[Poolside]

I'm glad this will get back on track. I don't say this to keep the conversation going, but I have been thinking about it the whole thread.. Felony sounds horrific, but there are many dumb things that fall into this charge. ie: My nephew took his girlfriends license so she wouldn't go partying without him (ahh youth). She pressed charges and since it's a federal ID and he was charged with a felony I certainly don't think the title goes with the crime, but he's still on probation (and he broke up with the girl). That's just an example. There are a milllion more. Hopingformore, stay the course and your growing family will happen in time. Good luck to you.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

This is not a really great comparison. A better one would be that potential bparents are not turned away at the door for drug use or any other bad behavior, instead they are presented to families willing to overlook the potential impact of those behaviors.

The difference is that bio parents are not asking for the opportunity to raise someone else's child. And for the record we DO NOT see a homestudy it is just for the agency to issue approval.

So long as her circumstances are disclosed to the SW/pbparents/agency and the crime/punishment poses no threat to the health of the child, why is this anyone's business?

It is our business as we are the ones placing our children or who have placed our children for BETTER... Criminal is not better. The agency should, in this case, not care what either adult thinks and only think about what is best for the child. And then remove the option. Bio parents can choose who parents their child.. but they are not entitled to pick from everyone on the planet they are entitled to choose from people who are approved to adopt with the agency that they are using.

I just really dont think that parents should have to ask an agency whether they approve felons or not... it seems like it should go without saying... Bleh.

There is a big difference between raising your child and then having him or her removed later for this type of behavior-that is your child.. and being someone who indulges in this behavior and asking that someone else's child be placed with you anyway-you dont yet have a child. Once a child is adopted...then a child can be removed from adoptive parents in the same way as bio-parents... so then the playing field is equal.

Is it best to remove a child from their family?

and

Is it best to place a child with this family?

Are two differnt questions and the key word in both is Best. Best not being perfect but instead up to par with other waiting families.

I really have to think this point IS or at least SHOULD BE black and white. IT doesnt matter what the charges are. Felony should be a deal breaker no matter what it is. No matter how long in the past it was. I would go on the assumption that the person only got CAUGHT once... if the possibility exists that it could happen again...then that is too high of a risk FOR THE CHILD.

The perfect example was given.... buying and doing drugs?? that is NOT ok. NO, no, NO! If I thought Kristin's parents were doing that.. I would freak! If I knew my friends were doing that I would freak... AND report them!

I get the feeling that it is felt here that as long as you arent caught it isnt a big deal. I was raised with that attitude by drug dealing parents. Guess where my sister is sitting?

Thank goodness for me and my teenage rebellion. How can you expect any respect at all if you do the very things you raise your children not to do??

To the OP: This thread morphed into this discussion due to the Original Topic. While I have referenced the sentence posted and the time frame and the theft... it was only because that was the example given. I have no personal feelings toward you or your husband. My opinion holds true if your husband was replaced with anyone else on the planet or the crime was replaced with any other felony on the planet.

I apologize if you thought it was personal.

I again have total sympathy for the situation he put you and your family in.

[MamaTo6]

Waiting for one,,,My apologies for hijacking your thread. It was not my intention. My point, although long winded was that, I think people make mistakes. I dont think we should have to be punished forever for making one mistake, when it appears you live an otherwise law abiding life. Your dh crime was not violent nor towards a child. You may have to wait til ur dh is off probation, and maybe awhile after that too, to prove that this was a one time thing and out of the ordinary for him.

As for those of you who think I was glorifying/condoning or accepting of drug use, I DO NOT!!! In no way do I think that drugs are acceptable for anybody. All I was trying to say is that bc I once smoked pot almost 16 years ago, should I be punished now for it? Yes I broke the law. Am I proud of it? Ofcourse not. Would I ever do it again? NOWAY!!

Again im sorry for helping to steer this thread away from the op.

Warm wishes...MamaTo6