[Casey677]

Does anyone else have friends with completely different parenting styles?

Ok, brief background. My dh has a friend and former roommate who he went to college with, worked with in FL, and were both offered jobs in SC at the same time. Both of our families moved here. I get along ok with him, but his wife and I are very different.

Anyway, they have a four month old boy and we have dd who is 2 months. Any time we get together, I feel like they are trying to get us to compete in a contest. Ex: "Ooooh, she's not doing (insert whatever here) yet??? DS started doing that way younger than she is." Or make me feel like I am not doing enough. Ex: "What do you mean you are not planning on taking her to Gymboree classes?"

We had dinner last night and I had gotten pretty excited to see other people besides dd & dh, since we are new to the area, we don't know a lot of people yet. I was really hoping for conversation that did not completely wrap around the babies....even a weather conversation would have been nice. It didn't happen, but I did try!!

I just can't figure out why they always try to make us feel like bad parents. Last night they royally laid into us about dd sleeping in our bed. I did not set out to cosleep, but she only wakes up once in our bed compared to 3 or 4 times in her crib. My sleep is very important to me, lol! They do things that I would never do as a mom. But I can't imagine saying anything to criticize them (ok, so I said it to dh on our way home). Some examples: letting their 4mo old scream at the restaurant to teach him that they won't pick him up while he is crying (they eventually did, but only after all the other diners around us were getting annoyed... they actually turned their backs and refused to look at him while he sat there and cried!), knocking his fingers out of his mouth and loudly saying NO, and last, not feeding a hungry baby because it wasn't his scheduled time to eat.

I just don't know how to deal with this. How do I tell them that their "advice" is not needed? And how do I continue to keep my mouth shut when they do things that I think are wrong... this wouldn't normally be an issue, but it is hard to take constant criticism when the people criticizing live in a glass house. UGH!!! I need new friends here!!!

Casey

[rastachris]

That's a tough spot to be in, and I'm so sorry these "friends" are behaving so badly to you AND their own child. I think you have a few options here:

1) The next time she/he/they say something that is insulting or hurtful, politely bring it to their attention and explain how what they've said makes you feel. If they're defensive and unapologetic, find new friends.

2) Spend less time with these people - it's hard enough being a new mom without someone making it harder. You seem like a very nice, intelligent person and you should be able to make some new friends pretty easily. Spend some time at your neighborhood park, even though your child isn't old enough to play just yet. Or go to the mall and stroll around. Go to different places around town where moms with small kids tend to congregate and strike up conversation, even asking about play groups and such.

I'm sure many of the other wise and experienced folks here will have many other options for you. Again, I'm so sorry that these people are like this, and I'm really sadened that they are doing to their child the things you mentioned. UGH!

[blueyes113]

Casey,

((((HUGS))))! I think I probably would have told her off by now! Probably something along the lines of "Anyone who lets a 4 month old scream to teach them they won't be picked up is obviously clueless about how to raise a child. Why would I even consider taking advice from you?" You have had much more patience with them than I would have, but I understand wanting some adult conversation. I always found that sticking Lindsay in the stroller and going for a walk was a great way to find other adults to talk with, and it was also excercise. If there is a nice park with a playground near you, talk dd for a walk there. We don't have any real parks here, but I always found other mothers out walking their children on our street. In fact, we still do it, but now Lindsay rides her tricycle while I push Christopher in the stroller and try to keep up with her.

As far as Gymboree class, I never took Lindsay and she's perfectly fine! Babies need love and affection more than anything else. I think everything you're doing is just fine. I, too, value my sleep! Personally, I would avoid any more contact with this couple. It sounds as though you are more miserable after you've been with them.

I really feel sorry for their son. That poor little boy is teething and probably going through a growth spurt, and they're just treating him horribly!

[coco46]

Casey,

Doesn't it drive you nuts when people try to use baby development as a competition?

I mean, their kid's 4 months old. It's still a little early to be predicting advance admission to Harvard Law for him right now, Gymboree class or not.

This gal sounds like a former close friend of mine...who would constantly tell everyone in earshot how she modeled until she was 7 months pregnant, never got sick, never had to have an epidural, pushed for 15 minutes...blech. After awhile, I was like "yeah, we KNOW!" Then once I got her off her perfect pregnancies, it was right on to her perfect family: how everyone, even strangers on the street, always commented on how beautiful her kids were, how they looked exactly like her, how they should be models, how smart her oldest daughter was...you know what? WE KNOW!!!!

My advice is to smile politely and offer one of these responses:

"Isn't that interesting?" (especially to comments about how her son did this or that at X months)

or

"We're very happy with how Hanna's doing. And so is her doctor."

or

"Hmmm." I use this one A LOT.

Change the subject immediately. Insert more "Hmms" as needed if she won't redirect. Pretend to be losing hearing in one or both ears. Continue to speak about the weather or what have you despite anything she says.

Her: "Did you know little DS is already showing the brain wave activity of an 18 year old genius? It's because we're feeding him on a schedule!"

You: "Isn't that interesting. You know, my roses are really feeling the summer heat this year."

Her: "I can't believe you feed Hanna on demand. She's going to be spolied to death."

You: "Hmm. And the lawn! My goodness, it's terrible. Brown spots everywhere."

Her: "Did you hear me before about Hanna?"

You: "I'm sorry, what? I'm just so distracted about the darn gardening right now..."

See where I'm going with this? OK, so maybe you can't be quite that extreme...but trust me. This can WORK.

[Casey677]

Rasta & Blue, thank you both for your sympathy/support!!! I did find a wonderful park last weekend. Dh and I are planning on going there again on Saturday.... hopefully that will help!

Coco, you made tears run down my face, I was laughing so hard!!!

Casey

[Nevada Jen]

The people you are talking about sound like you do not even like them in the first place. Its not just their parenting style. I agree with the PP. find some friends of your own. I also agree that parks are a great place to meet mom's who feel a little isolated like you do. Bring a book and sit on a bench under a tree. Even if you are not crazy about the first couple of ladies you meet, do some activities with them and see if you meet their friends. Also you could take an evening college class -- academic or non-academic. Also, maybe it is just my neighborhood but I have met a decent amount of neighborhood aquaitences at Curves (womens gym). I also meet new people at outdoor plays.

I found it hard to make friends when I moved to vegas after law school. My only friends are people I have worked with in the past and past clients. If I did not have work, I do not know how I would have made friends outside of the aformentioned friend with the different parenting style.

I have written and erased a zillion other things that are too long and detailed. But you should remember that you are a different kind of parent because of how you came to parenting Hanna. You are the right parent for Hanna the way you are. You will find friends who have similar parenting styles eventually. Plus the my kid is better than your kid thing diminishes after the first year.

By the way, my two month old commando crawls. Is this the right thread to mention that?

Jen

[LisaCA]

I have to say that I've tried really hard to not do that to other moms, to the point of being a counselor at times . Dd is quite advanced but it has nothing really to do with me-it's been clear from birth that she's got her own plan and we're just along for the ride. but I've had so many moms ask how old she is, then they seem really sad that their kid is same age or older and doesn't do whatever. Then I feel badly, so I mention that dd has her own plan, and that along with her achievements she can be a pain in the butt (not napping well, not sleeping well, colic for 5 months) and that kids do things when they feel they need to, period, so they don't feel badly. I'm sure the heavens will send me baby # 2 that will be about as bright as a rock, but I'll be happy as long as his temperment is calmer than dd's .

many use their kids as the latest acquisition, along with the mercedes, etc. And to be honest, maybe the lack of a genetic tie means I don't feel her achievements say much about me yet (though environment is just as important as genetics).

my sympathies casey. time to find friends that aren't so insecure that they have to claim their kids achievements as their own.

[mxf0068]

casey,

((Hugs))

...guilty here... I am not going to defend what these "friends" are saying to you. However just want to add a thought. Perhaps it is insecurity which is driving them to always compare their child to you/dh/dd.

I speak from experience... My son is 7 months older than my sister's daughter. My sister and her husband struggled for many years to have P and doted on her like she was the perfect daughter. I on the other hand felt inadequate being a single mom..and often felt like my son was second best. Though I never verbalized my competition.. I was always looking at how I did things vs my sister...and it seemed that she aways did it better. It often seemed that my sister wanted to prove that she could do it better than her single sister. Lots of insecurity on both sides of my situation.
Long story short..perhaps she feels that she needs to prove something to you. If you feel you are up to it..listen, comment when necessary, correct her if you disagree with what she says... but know that she probably doesn't realize that she is making you feel so uncomfortable.
Keep up the great work! one day she will open her eyes and learn from you some great parenting skills!

Blessings,

Mary

[redhedded]

Some examples: letting their 4mo old scream at the restaurant to teach him that they won't pick him up while he is crying (they eventually did, but only after all the other diners around us were getting annoyed... they actually turned their backs and refused to look at him while he sat there and cried!), knocking his fingers out of his mouth and loudly saying NO, and last, not feeding a hungry baby because it wasn't his scheduled time to eat.

First, Each parent is different, and I respect that; but, we have some friends who I observed "parenting" in this manner. We choose not to see them ever! It is a really personal choice.

Casey, I am sorry; I do not understand why people insist on this competition thing, though it has happened to us a lot, almost always, actually with other parents and our dd. While I tend to be open and upfront about my feelings, I have found myself just choosing to spend less time with people who do this, avoidance. I go and do a lot alone with my kids and with my kids and my mother.

I want to talk about children's diets some but mostly want to talk about music, movies, politics (the news) with other adults. I find my parenting is very very different than many of the people that I spend time with on occasion. I think that is great and appreciate their way and mine. But. . . I do not want to talk about it (unless someone asks for input) and certainly do not want their advice about my kids. If they provide unsolicited advise, I change the subject. If they continued, I would politely tell them, "this may not work for you, but it works great for us. Every kid is different; that is why it is good that we all have different ideas about what works."

Wishing you luck and another fun adult dinner out with great weather conversation.

[Nevada Jen]

I saw a quaote recently that I decided will define how my children are raised. On a sign outside an elementary school. It said "Childhood should be a journey, not a race."

Casey, it sounds like you are frustrated because you are in this for the journey. Many parents are not. In my experience, especially first time young parents who have not had very many losses in life.

The people who come to this board are going to tend to be "Journey" people because of the losses they have experienced. Sounds like you need to find some friends just like this great group of people! How about a local adoption support group? I bet there are a lot of woman there who recently became first time stay at home mommies who are in the same position as you.

Jen
(getting no work done today!)

[lisa in venice]

I think parenting style is not only a very personal thing but can be very defining. I have drifted way from people who had very differnt parenting styles becasue it was frankly too hard to be around them and their children. I am a more AP (attachment parenting) type of person and can see how there would be alot of conflict if I hung out with people who were outspoken schedule/Ezzo/CIO types. I would be hard pressed not to tell them to "pick that baby up!". I think you just might want to write these folks off.

lisa

[meimaemomma]

"Anyway, they have a four month old boy and we have dd who is 2 months. Any time we get together, I feel like they are trying to get us to compete in a contest. Ex: "Ooooh, she's not doing (insert whatever here) yet??? DS started doing that way younger than she is."

I think it might come from some insecurity, but I just can't get over the fact that she is talking about what a younger-than-two-month-old was or was not doing. What on earth do they do?! Sure, I'll admit to being amazed by everything ds did, from following light with his eyes to finding his feet, but I seem to remember that there was no competition involved and that all my sister and I ever talked about when my ds and her dd were that age was poop. Maybe if you steer the conversation that way, she'll get the hint. "I don't know about your son doing x, but you should see how dd poops!" Or you could say, "I'm convinced. He's a genius."

You could tell them next time they get on your case that it is well known that children who sleep in their parents' bed and are picked up when they cry are smarter. Who needs a study? Those who do more attachment parenting can tell you our children are geniuses .

Or you could skip them all together while they get over themselves . . .

Your daughter is darling and such a miracle. Enjoy this time marveling at her.

[allanacw]

We had friends who were the same. Had. When we adopted Shawntay, our daughters were the same age, and she had the audacity on several occasions to outright say things like "Oh, I have to give you Mom lessons!" and tell everyone within hearing I was new so I didn't know what I was doing. I'm still angry about it, and we don't see them anymore.

coco, your post made me laugh so hard. Reminded me of a friend of dh's who thinks his son is brilliant. One day, I got sick of it. He had said "We think he's exceptional". I said "Mmm Hmm." "No, really, we think he's exceptional". "Mmm Hmm". "He's really ahead of all the other kids". My reply "But it would be okay if he weren't exceptional, right? It would be just fine. Because each child has their own special gifts, intellectual or not. He could be really talented artistically, or a great guitar player, or a really good listener." He stopped talking.

Is there a mom and tot group in your area? Or a swim class you could take with your daughter?

[coco46]

Or you could say, "I'm convinced. He's a genius."

Meima, this is absolutely perfect! I'm stealing it for later use!

[dadfor2]

casey,

you are not alone...apparently its affecting everyone, just wait till your child gets older and might be into sports....

parents do have this need to compete with others...

i do agree with mary, i think some parents are just insecure.

i am finding lately that that its usually from parents that have one child.

it seems parents with more kids, dont really do that.

so i think with their first child, their a little insecure on what they are doing anyway, so they need to compare themselves to other parents on their kids to assure them that their child is doing ok.....or at least try to convince themselves that they are doing ok..

i wouldnt say anything to them about their parent styling...they arent abusive, so i would let it go

but maybe its time to move on, find some other friends....

cocoa...your post was so funny......still laughing at it in my head...