[Casey677]

You guys are great! I did find a Mothers & More in our area.... they are national, does anyone know anything about them? Their next meeting is the third week of September. I will look into an adoption support group. For some reason, I didn't even think of that. Duh!!

I do think of it as a journey. And I remember how much I loved being a kid. I want Hanna to have that. I want to enjoy every minute of her being her and not force her to grow up to soon. She just amazes me each and every day..... I can't believe she has gone from my 5lb preemie to over 9 lbs in 2 months!!! Wow!!!

As for the other couple. My dh and the husband are good friends and have been for years. I don't get along too well with his wife... never have. It started with her complaining to me (we had just had our first failed adoption) after she had only been married for a month and a half that she wasn't pregnant yet and how it wasn't fair. And of course she already was pregnant then, just didn't know. I think the fact that she is only 22 doesn't help much. He is my dh's age, turning 30 this year....Ah well, if it doesn't get better soon, I will probably start avoiding them more than I already do, lol.

[anifish]

Casey I have 4 kids, all of them ate when they were hungry, slept in our bed untell they were at the age they were comfortable in their own bed, and I never took any of them to GYMBOREE!
This baby is yours only you know what is best for her, you have the ability to fullfill her need, you are her mother.
Do what you want when it comes raising your child, don't give another moments thought to arrogant "freinds" who think they know best. There is truth to the old saying MOTHER KNOWS BEST!
I think I am a darn good mother and wouldn't have changed a thing. You are doing similar things with your daughtor that I did. My kids are wonderfull, VERY confident, loving, respectfull, independent kids. Need I say more. You are doing a great job.
I agree with some of the other posters you might want to spend little, to no time with this FREIND.
I don't want to offend anyone else so I won't comment about this womans parenting techniques,,I will say that I do not agree with any of them. Will at least the ones you mentioned.
You are a great mom, I have read many of your posts and think that baby is the luckiest little girl around to have a mom like you.
Tell this woman to shut it! best wishes andi

[anifish]

Oh and I have something else to add. I had someone in my life that I had to stop contact with. She was just as Cocoa described. Well in my experience people like this do not have the "perfect life" they display. It is really hard to be freinds with someone like this because most freinds discuss the bad and the good. With my freind I stopped mentioning arguements with my husband, problems with my mom, or anything else not positive to share. She had the perfect everthing and bragged so much about her happy perfect life, that I finally saw right through it. She wasn't happy at all, she was the most jealous person I have ever met. Selfish to the core. I realized that the life I had was the one she wanted. Probly because it was real with good and bad. Anyways I feel that people like this are very unhealthy to deal with. My freind finally came out of the closet and face all of the things in her life that were less then perfect. We have renewed our freindship and I actually enjoy her company now. We did have alot to discuss before we could get to a good place. I believe people can change but untell then it is best to find people who are genuine about who they are, sorry didn't mean to go on and on, andi

[meimaemomma]

Casey,
Congratulations on such fabulous healthy growth for beautiful Hanna! You must be so pleased. But they really do grow up too fast. And parents that want to hurry that certainly don't help anything . . .

[redhedded]

Casey, When we moved back here (home), I went to several organized playgroups. One of them was Mothers & More, primarily for women who have temporarily left their careers to stay at home. I certainly think groups are very different based on where you live and well, the alignment of the stars, who joins when you do. My experience was not a pleasant one. Talk about competitive! Only the competition had nothing to do with their kids but everything to do with their prior career. It gave me a migraine!

I do not really love participating in large groups but felt most comfortable in an attachment parenting group. The parenting philosophy of the members was similarly part of a "journey" rather than a race/event/action of being. And noone bashed anyone else for co-sleeping, feeding on demand or doting on their baby's needs every moment of every day. Interestingly, I have found the opposite of some other posters in that some of the most open, loving and supportive moms I have met are first timers rather than those who have "done this before."

Hannah is thriving and happy; that is a testament to your parenting. I look at my babe, who was so tiny, in the NICU, with so many monitors and feeding tube. He is a miracle, and rushing them to do anything seems so silly to me.

[crick]

Casey...didn't you know? When you are 20-24...you know EVERYTHING! Right?

Just keep focusing on your daughter and how amazing she is! Nothing else matters...not when it really comes down to it, kwim?

[redhedded]

Casey, Just a sidenote. Crick is right; nothing else matters. But. . . it can get really old. My dd was quite motor delayed. She did not hold her head up, sit up, pull up, did not crawl or walk until very very late. Unlike most 9-10 month old babies she was immobile, other than rolling. You cannot imagine the comments I received from total strangers and acquaintances: aren't you worried, has the doctor checked her, is everything okay with her, are you sure everything is okay, have you tried to make her walk by like holding her up and having her hold your fingers, why doesn't she want to get moving? People were constantly telling me when their child sat up, crawled, walked and then would say, after I had commented that I was not worried, that if it were their child they would get a second opinion. (when she was 18 months old and not walking) Oh my god, while I was good about ignoring them, it was sometimes really annoying, not that they asked but that some would not let it go. My doctor was quite aware of her delay and why; regardless of any concerns, would I discuss them with a perfect stranger.

Then god forbid they saw me feeding her when she was two. She did not feed herself until after two; did not want to or could not. My goal was for her to eat not be independent. If we were in public, strangers stopped me (I am not kidding) and asked how old she was (she always answered them). People would say 'if you would let her' or 'don't feed her; she'll do it herself' or my favorite, 'have you tried to teach her?' I just politely told them she liked for me to feed her and I liked to oblige. It never bothered me, but had I let it, I would have gone insane.

[LisaCA]

we met a mom at the park yesterday who stated that both her kids were walking alone at 5 months . all unsolicited. most start by asking how old dd is, then they launch into a comment that "she walks so well" or something, then they share how brilliant their kid is. it reminds me of garrison keillor who says about lake wobegon "where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average" .

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by Casey677

Last night they royally laid into us about dd sleeping in our bed.

Oh I always love this one, certain persons used to say to me "you're going to suffer if you do't nip this in the bud," and I reply, "if it doesn't go well, and baby doesn't transition well, then yes *I* am going to suffer, and?"

Originally Posted by Casey677

Some examples: letting their 4mo old scream at the restaurant to teach him that they won't pick him up while he is crying (they eventually did, but only after all the other diners around us were getting annoyed... they actually turned their backs and refused to look at him while he sat there and cried!), knocking his fingers out of his mouth and loudly saying NO, and last, not feeding a hungry baby because it wasn't his scheduled time to eat.

OK, the baby 4 months old? Reminds me of my SIL and BIL who would let their baby cry in the bouncy chair while we all sat *in the other room* having dinner because they didn't want their baby to "manipulate" them- this little baby only wanted to join the party and who can blame him. They also let their kid scream during a retaurant meal- it amazes me. If our babe gets antsy one of us goes for a walk with babe, or we get the food to go - that's just the risk you take.

I have a darling friend, my best friend, and she often gives me unwanted advice. Mostly I ignore her. I love her dealry, I know my child is thriving with me, and her child is thriving with her- and they are parented differently. Her husband on the other hand can make me nuts, it's his delivery more than his message. He has one kid who he has never taken care of for 24 hours straight, his wife has to lock herself in the bath to make herself unavailable to answer his questions- but he of course he knows my kid better than me.

My advice, evaluate how much you need their friendship, try to ignore them if you do spend time with them, and try a few local mother's clubs, or parks to find persons who feel like you do. Good luck!

[LisaCA]

In my 44 years, i haven't encountered anything like the advice given about kids. I have noticed people intruding into people's privacy about ttc, how to be pregnant, labor, and then once the kid is here, how to raise them. I'm not sure exactly what makes people feel so entitled to give this advice, other than we were all kids once.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Originally Posted by dadfor2

i am finding lately that that its usually from parents that have one child.

it seems parents with more kids, dont really do that.

OH Dad, you're kidding right? What soccer feilds are you sitting on??? In my experience it makes no difference. Sort of like absolute power corrupts absolutely, absolute parenting currupts friendship.

I am a total blunder when it comes to the social mom thing. I tend to be sarcastic, and that rubs some moms the wrong way, like parenting is too sacred to be made fun of.

I frankly don't get "mom pick up lines" and the only one I can think of is, "so, how old is he?" My feeble attempt to start a conversation, I tried at Gymboree the other day, and was going to follow it with, "I love your son's enthusiasm." That's positive, nonjudgemental, and friendly, right? Shot down after my first question, and now I'm beginning to think this other mom thought I was using it as an openner so I could launch into the well my kid is this old and can do blah blah blah.

I need a new line, or a few- any help?

And I have to second, or third, using hmmmm often, it works, same for MIL's.

[Lexie]

Just spent our holiday with some dear friends, one of whom is quite different in parenting style from us. We don't spank--they spank (on rare occassion they point out), we don't do junk food--they do, we don't nosh we have regular meals--they nosh throughout the day. Its hard because even though I am not trying to criticize, when I ask my friend not to offer my DS potato chips, she implies criticism. Our DS has a bedtime at 8:30 ( story time at 8). We really don't vary that often. So when he has to go to bed and our friends child does not---well you can imagine all h*** breaks loose and my little angel is not very angelic anymore!!!!

We also spent some times with another set of friends that are on the same page as we are. It was so simple. The kids bathed together, reading time was together and bedtime was a breeze. Afternoon snack time was fruit and yogurt :-)
It was so effortless. So as much as we love the first set of friends, we will have to manage the parenting thing whenever we are together with our kids and that means we will probably spend more time with the other family.

[SadieAnn]

Casey,

I've come to the conclusion with some people you just can't get ahead, or even equal. It can be exhausting and it's certainly no fun to be around.

Our ds is 4 mos and doing great, rolling over, great motor skills, strong on his legs, etc etc. But it's got to be something right?! My dh (and his entire LARGE family) are all petite and PROUD of it! Myself and most of my family are not. So turns out we have a healthy fleshy baby that (per his recent ped appt is 70% per weight charts. Our ped is thrilled with his progress). He's beautiful, healthy and thriving. Yet despite all his great achievements, I get concerned comments about his weight from my dh's family. GRRRRRR I can't win.

They make me feel that perhaps my family background makes me oblivious to watching his weight. (He's 4 months old!!!) I've quickly found that comments like "chubby" don't feel good when you know they are being delivered in a negative way. During a recent family event it was getting late and ds was tired and fussy. One family member said, "well I know he can't be hungry, he's plenty robust"!

On the way home I told my dh about it. My dh is small, about 5'7", and can eat his weight in food and not gain anything. I told him, "I always thought you and your siblings were small due to great genes. But now I'm thinking you're all just stunted because perhaps you were starved as children! Maybe if you'd been fed properly as a baby you'd be 6' tall?!" We had a great laugh about it! I just try to balance it with support from other areas. Trying to change some people's thinking may not be worth the effort and irritation! And when possible we don't spend time with them. (Their loss!) Good Luck!

[redhedded]

OK, the baby 4 months old? Reminds me of my SIL and BIL who would let their baby cry in the bouncy chair while we all sat *in the other room* having dinner because they didn't want their baby to "manipulate" them- this little baby only wanted to join the party and who can blame him. They also let their kid scream during a retaurant meal- it amazes me.

I am shocked everytime I see people do this/say this, that their baby is manipulating/or will later. Who the h cares; isn't that what I am here for!

Sugar, I tend to do sarcasm a lot, and it often does not go over well. I have said, "I love your babe's enthusiasm" before. Keep using it! Some will embrace you and love that; those that shoot you down were saving you the energy and effort from having to stay and visit. When I meet just people and they begin constant negative communication, which I have realized happens a lot, I just start backing away. I used to try to spin the conversation positive; I find it makes me too tired now.

Sadie, You're funny! I am sorry that dh's family is making such comments to you. I agree, it is their loss. And. . . why do petite people think everyone else wants to be? I once dated a guy (briefly, I might add) who said to me at a pub with other friends, you sure are a biiiggg girl, aren't you! I probably gulped my big calorie Guinness and walked out.

[Casey677]

Oh my! I can't believe all these stories! I truly thought it was just me, lol! I guess everyone gets this unsolicited advice. I can't imagine what makes people do that. Do they not remember how annoying when it was when they were on the receiving end??? Or do they think they are entitled since they received their share? And if that is the case, does that mean that we will do that at some point down the road??? I so hope not, lol!

Casey