[Mommy2amiracle]

Our attorney's office just called and said that the prospective birthmom phoned them this morning asking us to co-sign an apartment Our state has a cap on expenses which is far too small to cover an apartment!! We do not have the means to pay extra either. She is currently living with her parents. The attorney is going to suggest paying a stipend to them and then finding childcare for her other children so she can then find a job as of now, she hasn't because of no childcare arrangements.

We are meeting her on Sunday and am unsure what to do or say if she brings up money This is such a different experience from our son's adoption where we just were called that there was a baby waiting and the birthparents wanted the adoption closed. I feel so badly for her, but know that I can't fix all the issues that she has in her life as much as I would like to. I'm just so scared that we will say or do something that will make her angry that we are not providing more support.

Thanks for any suggestions!! I've never met a prospective birthmom before and am extremely nervous!!

[BlessedBe]

I know how you are feeling with not wanting to seem supportive of the pbmom. You have done the right thing though as far as having your attorney help you with these issues.

One of the reasons we chose an agency adoption over an independent was the help that they can provide pbmoms (even though we're paying the agency of course). Our agency has a sliding scale and we knew that the pbmom would receive any and all financial support needed that was within the legal limits set forth by our state but with a cap on our end to keep things from getting crazy expensive.

Our agency has been wonderful with advising about what is and isn't allowable expenses for her and we have done the best we can with getting donations, etc. from the community, friends, and our church.

I am sure this issue will work itself out. I wish there was something I could say that could ease your mind and without knowing your state's laws, it's hard to give specific advice. I'm sure others on the board can be more helpful, I just wanted you to know that I sympathize with how you're feeling at the moment.

Take care and please keep us posted.

BlessedBe

[MissyB9479]

When you meet don't be afraid to talk about the money stuff. It is important that you guys are on the same page. It might be easiest to start by asking her what she views birthmother expenses as and if they are in line with your views. I really see them as helping to pay for the additional expenses of the pregnancy including time off from work and doctors appointment and that type of thing. I don't see paying for a new apartment since she would still need a place to live even if she wasn't pregnant (and she will still need to pay for it after the pregnancy is over). You might view it differently. The important thing is that you both share a similar view of what should and shouldn't be covered.

If she is not working and has children then she probably qualifies for some government programs. I think it would be most helpful to get her signed up for those so that she isn't relying on you for all the money. That way she still has the support after the adoption and they will probably offer her things that you can't (like work training programs and mentoring programs). If she continues to focus on the money then it would send up a red flag since it should be about finding the right parents for a child and not just money issues.

[cathy102]

Didn't the Attorney give you her imformation on what her expenses would before your matched? When we were adopting the first time, they said not to talk about money. We were paying for expenses but money was not brought up on our first visit. Once I got to know her, that is when money was brought up by me. I was making sure she was getting her expenses paid through the Agency..

I bet she is just as nervous as you are. That is what my daughter's birthmom told us. Just be yourself. It should work out just fine.. Will you have anyone there or will it just be you and the expectant mom? We flew our daughter's birthmom's SW to where we were going to visit the expectant mom. It made the meeting so much easier...

Good luck with the meeting and let us know how it goes..

[Mommy2amiracle]

Thanks, Everyone!

Yes, the attorney explained everything to her the first time they visited her and she agreed to be matched. The case manager at the attorney's office told me to just tell her that the state only allows so much in expenses and that we are willing to support her to that degree, but that is not enough for an apartment. The manager said that is what she told *C* and she said OK and then their conversation ended.

Missy, your post is pretty much what the case manager outlined to me as expenses. She also said that if *C* decided to back out over this then it would be the best for all concerned. I'm sure things will work out how they are supposed to, but I'm such a softy and it is hard for me to keep an emotional distance from someone who is asking for help, KWIM?

I'll let you know how Sunday goes!!!

[missyB77]

I hope your meeting goes well. I am waiting to hear and I think you have gotten go advice. It sounds like your attorney is very good and I would listen to this person.

blessings

[chrisandaaron]

First of all - Good luck with your meeting! Let us know how it goes. Secondly, I completely agree with the case manager. In the end, her decision should not be based on how much financial support you did or didn't give. Since she has already discussed this with the attorney's office, I would refer her back to them if it comes up at the meeting. We were in a very similar situation with our first match (of 5 months). Toward the end, money issues kept coming up more and more often. I finally told the pbfamily that any support would have to come through the agency. I explained that the laws were very strict on this issue. Then I told them that the last thing that we wanted was to do something wrong and take the baby home only to find out later that we could not finalize the adoption due to providing more support than allowed. And since they had chosen us to be the pafamily, we were sure that the last thing they wanted was for us to be unable to adopt their baby after that is what they had planned. Although, I agree that this would be an unlikely situation, it did put it into prespective for the pbfamily.

Hope that helps!

Good luck,
Chris