[BlessedBe]

We were told this would happen - another potential placement has been presented to us (I knew this young lady several months ago and we'd lost contact. She was lead back to me by a friend of a friend of a family member who never knew we already knew each other. I can't help feeling that is some kind of sign). The due dates are within a few weeks of each other.

I do not want to jeopardize the relationship and possible placement that we have with C. However, I do not want to turn away from the newest situation. I want to parent both babies. I know we can provide each of them with the love and attention they deserve. But, I also know the controversy surrounding artificial twinning.

I do not want any of this to take anything from C and the baby.

I am torn and feeling as if I cannot handle this decision. AUGH!!! I'm feeling ultra stressed. Thanks so much for listening!!!

[cathy102]

Talk to C about it and see what she thinks?? I would go with the first match but I am sure it would be hard not to want this other baby if she places. This is a hard one. Let's just hope since you would like to be placed with both babies that if it's meant to be, things will work out for everyone..

[mommieof2cuties]

My babies are about 4 weeks a part one is adopted one is not and this will happen again in a few months, we will adopt one and than about three months later I will have one... I would take both if you can. Remember and this is not to worry you that the first placement could fall through....taking both will be fine... Just get a good double stroller and if they are due so close you can even have them sleep in the same crib to bond... I think this women was lead back to you for some reason and you should work with her also.... I hope this was helpful and do keep us updated!

God Bless,
Summer

[redhedded]

Blessed Be, You have to do what you are capable of and what is in your heart. I think you might want to talk to C about this and see how she feels. I have not been in your shoes and know that this is hard. However, we had a slightly similar experience in that we opted to end our second "match" when the expectant mother insisted on leaving the agency. She wanted us to follow her to a new agency (with a different fee structure). We opted not to and informed her and expected to get back on the "waiting train;" it was a hard choice because we had built a relationship with her. Anyway, that very night we got the call about our dd being born. We chose to go immediately. Within three months of her birth, we were presented with another baby who was already born. We opted out of that.

Within the next two years we were approached two times by expectant mothers (one girl we saw regularly in our community) and both were considering placement. They specifically asked if we were interested in adopting again because they wanted to place their (Caucasian) babies in multi-racial multi-cultural homes like ours (one knew I was a SAHM and knew me in passing). We gave each of them the name of a local agency to inform them of options.

I never saw this as a sign, though you might. I saw it as timing or being in a place at a certain time when my experience could benefit someone else. If you want and can do both then go for it but be upfront about your plan with each of them; one or both potential birthmothers might not be okay with the plan and may opt out. They might be thrilled and think it is great! How you and they feel is key. Our personal choice was that AT was not right for us and not fair to our daughter.

Wishing you peace and luck.

[shoeshopping]

I don't think there is anything wrong with it. My friends (2 girls) were the same age (weeks apart) -- their parents married each other after divorce/death of a spouse and the girls (age 2 at the time) always loved being so close and they shared everything together. They both obviously were very different but remained very close.

I have never heard it called "artificial twinning."

I think you should do what makes you happy if the situation presents itself.

[BlessedBe]

Wow!!! Thank you all so much for your quick responses!!! I really do appreciate it.

I know that if we decided to parent both babies that I will need to tell C. However, I'm afraid to even mention that we're considering this because I don't want to destroy even a piece of the relationship I have built with C over the past 8 weeks.

I'm headed out the door in a sec, but I want to ask some of you some questions later.

Thanks for sharing your experiences and for lending me support!!!!

[jheald]

Forgive me if I missed this, but when are the due dates? I personally would put off saying anything to either one of them until closer to time, but I do believe they have the right to know as they may have an issue with it. I think you should go for it though if your heart says YES.

Janet

[icunurse]

I think since you have already built a relationship with C, you owe it to her to be honest and respect her decision on the matter, whatever it may be. Some bparents place with the intention of their child being the only child, first child, etc or some may simply want their child to be the center of your universe for a while and not have to share time with mommy and daddy right off the bat. That's one reason a lot of people frown upon "artificial twinning" and why many agencies have a waiting period before you can start the adoption process again. Whatever you decide, be honest about it with C and honor your committment to her. Good luck!

[MrsSmith]

We too were faced with this decision, back when we were matched with Emma's bparents. We had just matched with them "officially" and a second expectant mother who had first contacted us shortly after (within a week) we'd had the first contact from Emma's bmom then said she also wanted to place her baby with us. Their duedates were a month apart, though Em wound up being born early which would've made her a week older. We were up front with both women that there was another possibility and asked BOTH how they felt about the "aritificial twins" idea. Neither of them had a problem with it at all, as it turned out. Then we did some real soul searching and thinking and reading and research, and it was agonizing but we ultimately decided it wasn't right for us at that time, so we turned down the second match. Believe me, I know the what ifs that run through your mind! It was soooo tempting, especially when we were ultimately hoping to have two children someday, but in the long run we were glad we didn't do it, especially with Em being in the NICU when she was born. We kept in touch with the second woman, and she did find another afamily for her daughter, and even shared pictures of her bdaughter that first Christmas after the girls were born. We were glad that she found another family and had a good relationship with them.

We were later contacted by another expectant mother who had seen our profile online (they left it up as "hey look these folks matched" sort of advertising for a bit after Em came home) some months before, and when she contacted us, she said she knew we had already adopted, but she really felt that we were the right family for her baby and would we consider adopting her baby, who was a boy due when Emma would be 10 months old. Not quite "artificial twins" there, but still close in age. Again, we agonized about the decision but felt that for us, it wasn't the right time, and we ultimately decided to say no to this baby too.

It is sooooo hard when faced with having to make this choice. I know for us, one kiddo at a time was the best thing, but I also know other people (like our neighbors across the street) who have done quite well with two children so close together in age. There is a lot of information on the subject if you do a Google search under "artificial twinning" if you are interested in studies and whatnot.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide, and I wish you peace in your decision. Hang in there!

Heather

[maddensmom]

I have never been in this situation as a mother, but my adoptive parents had a bio child 6 months after I came to them. We grew up very close. Almost like twins. We were always in the same grades, classes, etc. In my experience, it was and is a wonderful experience. I could not imagine my world without my brother. I consider it a true blessing that I can not remember a time without my dearest friend.

[jandn]

I wouldn't mention this to C until you have found out all the facts and decided for yourself whether or not you want to persue this. You need to sort out your feelings and questions that you may have before you can address her questions and feelings.


I can only speak of my own experience, my two are 4 months apart, I could never make them laugh as much as they make each other laugh They LOVE being sisters.

[BlessedBe]

I cannot thank you all enough for sharing your thoughts and experiences on this issue.

DH and I have talked this through and we feel as though parenting both would be right for our family. I just want whatever is best for both babies.

I'd also like to add that if C did not agree to our plan, then it is a no-go with the new situation. I cannot, will not, and refuse to not go through with our plan with her. I love C and her baby and I'm dedicated to the plan we've made with her.

The due dates are two weeks apart. Emotionally, physically, and financially ready to parent one, even two, infants.

It has helped me so much to get this off my chest here on the forum. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

BlessedBe

Oh, and I forgot to mention - both babies are BOYS!!!...

[mommieof2cuties]

Originally Posted by BlessedBe

I cannot thank you all enough for sharing your thoughts and experiences on this issue.

DH and I have talked this through and we feel as though parenting both would be right for our family. I just want whatever is best for both babies.

I'd also like to add that if C did not agree to our plan, then it is a no-go with the new situation. I cannot, will not, and refuse to not go through with our plan with her. I love C and her baby and I'm dedicated to the plan we've made with her.

The due dates are two weeks apart. Emotionally, physically, and financially ready to parent one, even two, infants.

It has helped me so much to get this off my chest here on the forum. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

BlessedBe

Oh, and I forgot to mention - both babies are BOYS!!!...

Dear BlessedBe

Sounds great to me, and I would do the same if I was in your shoes.... WOW two boys that will be a blast and they will have so much fun together! PM me if you need any ideas on brands of good double items we jsut went through all this in the last few weeks and found this site to be so helpful. Please keep us updated and get everything you need done before they arrive... Again God Bless you and your new family to be

Summer

[cathy102]

Let's us know how things go. I think it's great that you want to adopt both babies. Let us know what both expectant mom's say.. I am being nosey, but when will you talk to C??? I would also comment to C and not the other one if C isn't thrilled about it!!!

Best of luck!!!

[Emster]

As you continue to think this through, look ahead not to how the artificial twinning will effect you and the birthmothers, but how it will effect the children down the road. I know part of the reason some agencies do not allow this or recommend not doing has to do with developmentally keeping families to a natural birth order type setting, issues of competition, roles, etc. Experts talk about how it would not be a normal occurrence to have two birth related children less than nine months apart. However, that being said, I certainly understand that nothing in this whole process of infertility, adoption, etc seems "normal" or expected.

Then Just honestly reflect on WHY you would be taking both children and the true impact it will have on your family. You will make the best decision in the end.