[MMC66]

OK, just had a friend stop by for about an hour, her 8 year old daughter had spent the night with my 9 year old. They had a blast as usual. This friend is AA/CC adopted as a toddler from a family member. We were commenting on how her skin color is identical to Addy's (who is also aa/cc. Anyway, then her mother said in a hushed tone "she doesn't know her bfather is black, she just thinks she has darker skin"

I nearly fell off my chair. How does one raise a child that looks so different and have it never come up where she came from???? She just said something like "I guess she might ask about it someday"

A couple of issues here. Are my kids going to scar this child for life if the issue of race comes up. We're all open and comfortable about talking about race in our house. AND on a more global note - what will be the ultimate impact on this beautiful little girl when she starts to come to terms with her ethnicity.

I'm just a little stunned right now.

Martha

[sneezyone]

Does she think the child isn't going to notice if the texture of her hair changes (it can and does) or her facial features develop differently (e.g. a broader nose)?! That's absolutely scandalous. Is this woman ashamed of her child's ethnicity? Why's she afraid to be honest? What kind of message does THAT send to the child. Talk about the ultimate in denial. Not a good precedent IMHO.

Frankly, I wouldn't be concerned in the slightest about how your family discusses issues of race and ethicity. If the poor girl isn't going to have exposure at home, at least she can have those open and honest conversations at your house - whether or not she knows she's half aa.

*staring blankly at the screen, mounth agape, joining you in shock and horror*

[BlessedBe]

I am, completely and utterly, stunned as well. To the point that I hardly know what to say or how to react. I just can't imagine!

My heart really does go out for this precious girl. I hope she can forgive her parents someday for not sharing her ethic background with her from very early on.

So, so sad!

[numbr1dbcksfan]

(EEK while I posted others did..and now I feel stupid.. but am still leaving it...because I want to teach my daughter the right thing... )



I dont know... I have no experience.. but my daughter doesnt really mention these things.. if she is going to a birthday party sometimes she will want to get something.. (ok it happened once) because a doll looked JUST like the person... "because it has brown skin like her"... this person wasnt AA... I think it is hard these days... because I know I want to refer to everyone as American.. and equal... and not even bring ethnicity into it... but other familys approach it differently.. then there are those who are ignorant and rude... and you never know off the bat who you are dealing with... I think all you can do is use the information that you have.. and deal with the issues as they come... I agree with the "darker skin" analogy because In my eyes that is the only difference... but not being of that background i have no clue how to approach it. I know that we celebrate St. Pats big time... but I guess that is different.

I hope this isnt a weird or rude post... I just wonder how it is viewed, too. What SHOULD I be teaching my daughter about this that I am missing?

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Is this woman ashamed of her child's ethnicity?

But.. wouldnt it be that she doesnt want her childs ethnicity to be an issue?? *sigh* I am so lost on this stuff. I know Im not an adoptive parent.. but I want to learn about this stuff too... I cant wrap my head around it.

[mckenna]

#1, i think why martha was so appauled is that this child is actually aa. hiding the fact that her bdad is aa makes it seem like somethig to be ashamed of. the fact is ethnicity is an issue in society. by ignoring it, you are not doing your child any favors.

i am still trying to get my mind around this and why anyone would want to hid this information from a child???

[sneezyone]

Numbr1 - the reason this is so shocking is that ethnicity IS important to establishing your identity. It's also an issue for people of color b/c whether we'd like everyone to see us as just people or not, they don't. Denying the existence of racial, cultural, religious or any other differences can lead children to feel isolated b/c they know there's a difference even if no one will acknowledge it. It's a form of self-denial.

I admire you for wanting to learn more (BTW - I don't think your dd did anything wrong by picking out a brown doll - frankly, I appreciate it when people go out of their way to find one for my dd). It is a complicated issue.

The aa/transracial and international adoptee threads give a lot of perspective on what it means, long-term,to do this to a child.

[MMC66]

She has very thick kinky black hair and a broad nose. There is no mistaking her for AA. Her mom even said that black kids have called her black and she gets very angry and says I'm light brown. Her mom found that amusing.


Numbr1 - I understand where you are coming from but disagree. Kids need to know where they came from and what makes them different and special. I can't think of a better way to explain it right now

Martha

[sneezyone]

Originally Posted by MMC66

She has very thick kinky black hair and a broad nose. There is no mistaking her for AA. Her mom even said that black kids have called her black and she gets very angry and says I'm light brown. Her mom found that amusing.

OMG!! This just gets worse and worse. I hate reading stories like this. This poor girl has to learn how to be comfortable with all parts of herself. It's not an insult or something to get upset about to be called aa! Arghh!!!

One of them, amom or adaughter, is going to be in for a world of hurt. I just don't get how people can adopt transracially (or internationally for that matter) if they're not willing to raise the *whole* child?

[numbr1dbcksfan]

What I guess Im stumped on .. is what should I be teaching my daughter about this?? I dont want her to differentiate by race... but instead, attitude... right? I dont want to perpetuate... KWIM?

Is this wrong thinking? Should my daughter see the other child as different? I want her to see the child as equal.. but if that child thinks that he or she isnt equal... then how should my daughter react to that??? Change starts at home.. right?

I think children should know where they come from.. I encourage Aurora to be proud that she is Irish... but.. (and I know since it is all 'white' it gets grouped together) ... I would never want her to think she is different because of it. It just happens to be where her ancestors came from.... I want her to see your child simply as darker skinned because their ancestors came from Africa and not Ireland... not different... equal. I want her to see skin color like hair color. But-- does that offend?

[sneezyone]

Numbr1 -

Different doesn't necessarily mean unequal. When I *eventually* talk to my dd about her background, I'll talk to her about needing to be able to move effortlessly withing and between two very different worlds, both equally important.

The cultural/family traditions of my father's very proud aa family is not the same as the cultural/family traditions of my mother's more assimilated family. I want her to be aware of her differences and uniqueness as well as how others may react to her as a result of those comsmetic and mre in-depth differences. It's an important part of her learning, IMHO.

We can tell our children 'til we're blue in the face that they're no different than anyone else - but the fact is that they are different, and I think it's my job to help my daughter understand how and why she's different and what, if anything, those differences mean.

I want my child to look at others and think, oh, he/she's different - cool. Not oh, he/she's different - must be one of those [fill-in the blank stereotypes]. But I also want her to look in the mirror and be proud of ALL that she sees.

[MMC66]

Sneezyone - you're putting my thoughts into words nicely thank you

If a child looks AA, eventually they will be viewed by other AA's as part of that group and culture. How confusing to have no knowledge or preparation for this. Even with all of the openness and appreciation for Addy's "roots" in our house, I'm still looking for ways to be the best ways to help her know who she is and love ALL of herself. This IS complicated isn't it

Martha

[numbr1dbcksfan]

OK... so I guess I am going the right thing then..right? Just teach my daughter to beat up anyone who is ignorant enought to treat your child rudely...

OK ok. Not to that extreme.. because the child gets it from the parents.. right? Bleh.

But it isnt a big deal if my daughter doesnt acknowledge the difference in heritage.. right?? Just that it is great to celebrate hers and just as great to see others celebrate theirs....?!?!

(I feel like Im not getting it.. but maybe I am ?!!)

[Nevada Jen]

Martha,

THe one thing I have learned throughout the experience of adopting a bi-racial child is that you can never guess who thinks differently and how different they think. I am as shocked as you by your "friend's" admission. My god, how does she turn that around now. It would be one thing if the kid was 4 but she is 9. How can the child not know? There is no doubt that race is important but I think that it is possible that biracial children raised in white families in some parts of the country really do not notice the significance of race until they are out on their own. Even then I think it is less of a self identity issue for girls because the stereotypes are not as bad. Even so, it sure does not sound very healthy. I can't believe her adoption agency let her get away with the charade.

I think you kids should just act normal around her. Maybe YOU shouldn't tell her she is black but if your daughter does, I am sure it will be in a friendly matter of fact way. It can't be any worse than any other way she is going to "find out."

Jen

[MMC66]

How about this. If someone came up to your child and called her irish - in a positive light, she would probalby be proud to aknowledge she was irish. If she had been called irish several times but never told she was, and had denied it, she might start to feel like it was something bad or something to hide since her parents hadn't told her or aknowledged it ever. Does that help??

Martha