[numbr1dbcksfan]

On a more serious note - do you think there are conselors out there who truly understnad racial identy issues of adopted kids??

I dont know... Im not sure there are many counselors who understand any issues about adoption.... lol. I really think you have to look hard...

[MMC66]

Sugarbabysmommy - that's a good way to describe it.

79nic - This was a family adoption. This little girl lived with her afamily for a long time before adoption was brought into the picture. As it became clear that bmom wouldn't be able to raise her - the adoption came about. The bfather has been out of the picture since the beginning. The whole thing is sad. I'm not too close to this mom so we'll see if it comes up again. The whole thing makes me sad :-( She also attends a very white tiny little private school thus perpetuating the "fantasy".

Martha

[Kelli]

Martha, I’m just reading this thread for the first time and I think it’s extremely unfortunate for this girl that her parents are showing her (through non-admission and secrecy) that there is a part of herself that she should be ashamed of, and a part that’s quite acceptable. Talk about molding a confused spirit!? I don’t mean to speak ill of your friend (or single her out) but, the secrecy, and the fact that she is not teaching her daughter to be proud of herself, which includes her total self, reminds me of (not saying it definitely is because I don't KNOW these people) a race doesn’t matter (unless full AA. Not admitted of course), but when it comes down to it, actions show how much it really does matter adoption.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt for a second, could there be other reasons why she is not sharing information about the child’s bfather? I’ve read some posts that have questioned how to tell children difficult information in regards to their bfamilies or conception, but I think ultimately children deserve to know their full stories at age appropriate times. Maybe a general (we have something in common) type discussion about adoption may open the door to your being able to share your concerns and just as importantly, if not more so, to be able to hear hers.

Best wishes,

Kelli

[Jensboys]

I find it so sad and disturbing that they are only living with half of their daughter, her causcasion half, while pretending her African American half doesn't matter, let alone exist.

To me this is, from a family and mother perspective, the saddest part. I love CELEBRATING our boys' aa heritage with them. The unique history, achievements, beauty, music, art, literature etc etc etc. Bringing aa culture into our previously white family.

OF COURSE, there are hard parts to raising a a minority child, and of course, there are horrid parts of aa history (from yesterday and today) that are NOT easy to tell. But I cannot imagine the subconscious racism and prejudice that would prevent you from not only agknowledging but CELEBRATING a significant part of your child.

Its not even as simple as hair color -- racial identity in North American today is a BIG DEAL. A VERY big deal. We dont live in a Utopia where race doesnt matter ... race DOES matter. And that little girl needs the skills to cope with it!!! My word, she is maybe 3 years away from "dating", how on EARTH are they going to cope with that???

Jen

[MMC66]

Kelli - Nice to hear from you :-) Addy's bfather is AA and has a sordid past. I plan to tell Addy that he made some bad choices but I think witholding that he was AA has nothing to do with the other KWIM?? I want to be very careful too because I never want Addy to associate the AA part of herself with something negative or secretive. We may never have contact with her birthfather as all I have is a name and bmom refuses to give any more info. Maybe I'm overly optimistic but I do think this is possible even in a situation like ours. Her bmom has quite a history herself and time will tell if an open adoption will even be possible. I think Addy will see how much we love both of her birthparents for bringing her into this world and despite their situations, they want nothing but the best for her. This does get a bit murky doesn't it

Martha

[spaypets]

I just have a hard time picturing how conversations go in these families. I mean what do they talk about?

We'll be talking about some past event and dd will ask "I there?" And we say things like, "no, that was when you were still in India" or "no, that was before you were born."

In particular, I do not understand how these children haven't asked about the differences. My DD at 3 knows she's brown and that we're not and has asked about it. I'm guessing they have asked and their questions were met with uncomfortable silence instead of matter of fact answers.

[Kelli]

Originally Posted by MMC66

Kelli - Nice to hear from you :-) Addy's bfather is AA and has a sordid past. I plan to tell Addy that he made some bad choices but I think witholding that he was AA has nothing to do with the other KWIM??

Oh yes, good point Martha! I absolutely KWYM because we're walking in very similiar shoes where that's concerned.

Kelli

[carolynppk]

Okay, I must admitt, I am not educated here, but wouldn't sickle cell anemia be something that can be passed on generations later, or whatever? I know that the disease that affects Jewish people (sorry can't think of the name of it off the top of my head) can be passed down. Should she know from a health stand point? I don't get people anymore. My next door neighbor's granddaughter is of mixed heritage. She finally, at age five will acknowledge she is black. I don't see or understand the big deal. This is something these children should celebrate and be proud of. It is because of people like this that there are many people against adoption of children from other races. I am not one of them, but I have had many friends express opinions or I should say ignorances on this subject. What a very sad situation. It's as bad as the parents who never tell their child they are adopted and everyone else knows.


Carolyn

[MMC66]

Sickle cell is part of newborn screening so that's taken care of. The other disease you referred to is Tay Sachs I just think kids should know where they came from and like Jen said - they should be proud and celebrate who they are. As for medical info - you gather as much as you can but I think there will always be holes in the medical history for many adopted people and their families.

Martha

[mckenna]

we had a speaker at one of our adoption support groups last year who was a transracial adoptee. she was adopted 30+ years ago into a white family. the family was told she was "italian" can you believe it. to look at her she was obviously bi-racial. anyway, she had such a hard time growing up because the other kids would call her black and then think she was lying when she said she wasn't. she had a hard time dating cuz the white kids thought she was black and did not want to date her and the black kids thought she was lying about being black. as an adult when she got her non-identifying info, on it there was a black majic marker crossing out "black" under neith ethnicities, it said italian/caucasion/black and black was actually blacked out!

the point of her talking to us was telling us that while she loved her family, she felt betrayed by them. she felt that even though they were lied to by the adoption agency, as she grew, it was obvious that one of her parents were black, yet no one took the time to find this out and help her celebrate that part of her. i can only imagine how this girl will feel when she finds out they knew one of her parents were black and chose to hide that fact as if it were something to be ashamed of

[lambeausam]

Today is the first day that I read this thread. There has been great conversation about the different aspects. I guess what bothers me most is that the mother is willing to divulge her daughter's birth history to another adult, but not to the child to whom the history belongs.

Sam

[quiescentfury]

I don't understand how a nine year old doesn't know she part african american. Maybe the little girl does know, or does have questions, but is afraid to talk to her parents about it because they are so secretive. I can't imagine.

My son is AA/CC and is 6. At a very young age he was aware of the differnces in color. He use to tell me that I was yellow and his dad was black and he was brown. He was proud of this.

We did explain that there are many different shades of people in the world, and that no one is better than anyone else.

I can't imagine hiding an obvious fact from my child. I don't even know what to say. And then add to the fact that she thinks that afather is bio father. This poor girl is going to have a lot of questions as she gets older.

[MMC66]

Interesting point lambeausmom. I think she was maybe comfortable telling me because of our own adoption story. After I read your post I thought, maybe she told me because she WANTS to talk about it to someone who is comfortable with the topic and might have some insight. OR maybe I'm off base. I'm trying to give her some credit - but it's really hard.

Martha

[ajjhmf]

This is really shocking, but unfortunately it's not the first time I've seen/heard of something like this.

Two years ago we did a therapy group with our son's brother. The parents were in one room and the kids were divided into teens and pre-teens. The idea was that each group could talk about adoption and their feelings and their stories in an open and honest way. We, parents, were being taught to look at adoption as a lifelong journey, not a one time event.

Well, one adoptive mom and dad were talking about the horrible time they were having with their 15 year old daughter. In fact, we were all having problems with our kids. The key thing they were trying to get across to us parents was honesty. Since all of our kids were adopted from foster care, they have very difficult stories to tell. It would be easy to just gloss over and 'forget' parts.

Well, it turns out that this couple had never told their daughter she was bi-racial. They were white and didn't know how to handle the whole race thing. They didn't do it out of malicousness or shame of her color, but fear of messing it up and causing their daughter more pain. The very same day in the teen group, the girl was talking about how she KNEW her parents were keeping something about her adoption from her. She thought she was biracial but her parents hadn't told her. She thought they were ashamed of her color and it was causing her deep shame as well. The good thing is that the counselors of the two groups got the girl and her parents together and the truth came out. From what I understand, it took some time, but they are all doing better now. not great, but better. Broken trust is a hard thing to repair, especially with something as big as that.

I guess what I'm saying is your friend's daughter probably already knows there is something different about her. I just hope your friend figures out what she needs to do before any more harm comes to this poor little girl.

Blessings,
Jenny

[LisaCA]

there are therapists out there who understand issues of ethnic/racial identity(particularly explored by those therapists of color), and I'm sure there are those who specialize in issues with adoption. If what I've seen is any sampling, there's a ton of demand .

my guess is that this child is confronted quite often about being black and denies it, saying she's not black, much like the stories told here. quite scary. she will come to terms with her identity and she will also come to terms with her family relationships (which may take longer in therapy). So sad.

If you aren't willing to become a family of color, if you aren't willing to embrace a child's entire heritage as your own, if you aren't willing to do all in your power to make sure this child feels welcome and comfortable in your house, school, town, etc, than transracial adoption may not be for you.

and martha, if you feel like talking to this woman, then go ahead, but don't feel responsible for every situation like this you come across-you'll go insane . You gotta pick your battles and save your energy-you'll be doing this for a while I suspect .