[sneezyone]

Originally Posted by Nevada Jen

There is no doubt that race is important but I think that it is possible that biracial children raised in white families in some parts of the country really do not notice the significance of race until they are out on their own. Even then I think it is less of a self identity issue for girls because the stereotypes are not as bad.
Jen

So true...even among all aa families. I had no idea there was a problem with the diversity of my family until I moved away. Only when I brought a college friend to visit and she said, "Does anybody in your family marry black" that I felt a little wierd about it. My own family didn't do a real good job of helping me understand race relations outside of my pacific-northwest bubble and for many years I had a hard time adjusting. I just hate to see kids heading down that same path b/c eventually, they hit a wall (different for each person).

[numbr1dbcksfan]

YES! Totally. Ok. She does get that way about being told her hair is Orange and not Red...

After reading I think I get that is isnt about the color but not being told about her background... right? I can see how that would be hurtful if someone came up to her and referred to her as "black girl" (or something) and to not know what the heck they are talking about.

So the mom told her her dad was darker skinned but not AA..... so what, uh -- I mean how does that work? Now I am getting the shock. Yes.. so why does she think she is darker? She must think something... right? Or maybe she thinks that any parents can produce any 'color' skin.. and you just never know.. Hmmm... my daughter asked about genetic stuff in Kindergarten then went back and compared answers with her friends and then came home and clarified the differences...

Do you think they lied to her?

[MMC66]

Then as the conversation wore on, my friend says. "I think she thinks X (her husband) is her father." Now this gets really confusing because this is an open adoption and she knows her bmom so how does she think her afather is also her bio father???? I think they feel like it doesn't need to be discussed. I think in this case what this little girl doesn't know WILL hurt her. I'm still trying to digest all of this.

Martha

[numbr1dbcksfan]

WOW. Just WoW. Im on your page.

I wonder.. would it be appropriate to say as a friend/adoptive parent that you have concerns about that? I guess it is one thing to not tell her.. but it is another to perpetuate a lie...

[spaypets]

I've been reading this with my mouth agape. Why on earth wouldn't they clear this stuff up? Why leave her in the dark about what's as plain as the nose on her face?

The other day I said something to my daughter about "When I was a little girl, just like you." My daughter said "You brown like me?" Apparently she thought she'd get pink when she grew up !

Obviously, I cleared that misconception up right away! And, I made a mental note to seek out more brown people for her to see and meet.

Martha, are you good enough friends with this woman to say something to her about it?

[MMC66]

I think that could get ugly. So I'll just do the dysfunctional thing and B**** about it to my cyber friends

Seriously though, maybe if we got into the same discussion again and "the moment was righta" I might try to delicately express my concerns. But I'm not sure that occasion will ever come so I'll just keep that family in my prayers - I guess that makes me wimpy

Martha

[MMC66]

spaypets - your daughter's comment reminded me of something that happened with my then 4 year old...

I was pregnant with my twins and once in a while she would go with me to my OB appointments. We lived in SC at the time and I went to a high risk OB. In the waiting room they had a little photo album of all the recent twins they had delivered. Well, they were all AA. My daughter and I used to look at the album when we were there and talk about all the beautiful twins. Well when I gave birth to my two white babies, she was SO disappointed. "I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING BROWN BABIES!!!!!!!" She is 13 now and loves her pasty twin sisters and she did eventually get a "brown baby"

Just thought I'd share.

Martha

[LisaCA]

Originally Posted by Nevada jen

There is no doubt that race is important but I think that it is possible that biracial children raised in white families in some parts of the country really do not notice the significance of race until they are out on their own. Even then I think it is less of a self identity issue for girls because the stereotypes are not as bad.

I'd have to say that while this is possible, it's not probable. There's always going to be someone who "lets the cat out of the bag". that slight awkward feeling will crop up on occasion.

and I think it is a self identity issue for girls because people will point out just how they look, "exotic" or whatever, just enough to make them feel different. While difference is fine, we all know that kids go thru periods of hating difference.

anyway, they will go thru an identity crisis, whether it's at age five or twenty-five. My experience says it's easier if you go thru it earlier.

[MMC66]

Good Point Lisa

Just the hair alone is HUGE issue for AA girls. My daughters sit around and do each other's hair, how out of place would a little AA girl feel in a group of white girls with their totally different hair?? I also observed my 11 year old daughter and two of her white friends discussing noses. While some biracial kids get a dainty narrow nose, many have the wider bridge that comes with being AA. They need to have already aknowledged these differences and appreciate their own unique beauty or when surrounded by a white family or white peers, they will hate their "AA-ness" and wish they were white. That would be heartbreaking.

Martha

[MMC66]

I shared my concerns about my friend with my mo this morning - SHE DIDN"T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THIS!!!!!!!! OMG - My own flesh and blood. What do I do??????

Martha

P.S. Maybe I shouldn't be suprised - I learned the "facts of life" from my best friend at age 10

[cathy102]

Originally Posted by MMC66

Then as the conversation wore on, my friend says. "I think she thinks X (her husband) is her father." Now this gets really confusing because this is an open adoption and she knows her bmom so how does she think her afather is also her bio father???? I think they feel like it doesn't need to be discussed. I think in this case what this little girl doesn't know WILL hurt her. I'm still trying to digest all of this.

Martha

Wow!!! That adoptive mom is crazy for not telling her daughter she is AA... What in the world is the mom thinking??? How is the girl going to feel when she finally knows the truth???

[LisaCA]

just as long as mom and dad are saving for 4 years of college and about 10 years of therapy...I saw kids like this taking my classes in college, searching for an ethnic/racial identity. Most of them were truly suffering. They confided in me about many things because I come from a mixed background (but identify as AA) and I discussed my plans to adopt (first day of class I mentioned it, just so they knew about adoption and foster care, and considered it when they were older-a captive audience). Their pain was palpable and counseling with me couldn't make it go away.

[MMC66]

Lisa - are you referring to MY need for therapy or my DD. Perhaps we can get a group discount fod help me - I need to pick my battles with my mother as any difference in opinion, she perceives as a personal attachk on her own mothering skills. Maybe I'll take the easy way out and buy her a book.

I think I've discussed this with you before but many of the CCs that adopt transracially think the way to give their kids racial identity is by throwning a Christmas party with a black santa (feel free to substitute a Guatamalan santa, chinese santa, etc) Sorry, doesn't cut it for me.

On a more serious note - do you think there are conselors out there who truly understnad racial identy issues of adopted kids?? That would be cool.

Martha

[79nic]

Ummmmmmmmm, ok. I have a question:

If you indicate a willingness to adopt transracially, don't the social workers probe you about how you'll deal with the issues that will arise, during the homestudy?

How was this woman ALLOWED to adopt a biracial child?

(Shaking my head...)


My family is Dutch, and we all have the pale skin to prove it. My mom's sister (my aunt) in particular looks like she could have just stepped off the boat from the Netherlands: blue eyes, very blonde hair, big feet..... Her husband looks exactly the same. They have two bio children--and both of THEM have the same alabaster skin, blonde hair, and blue eyes.

However, they also have an adopted son. He is latino. He sticks out like a sore thumb in that family--it is soooooooo obvious he's adopted. He's about 9 now, I think.

Anyway, at my wedding (couple years ago) my mom was introducing her sister and family to someone. The person must have commented on the difference in looks between the one son, E, and the rest of the family. My mom explained that he was adopted.

(Ok, well maybe it wasn't my mother's place to say anything, but that's not the point here.)

So anyway, afterwards my aunt said to my mom, "Um, D____, we don't tell people E is adopted. We don't talk about that with E yet."


Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat???????????? The kid was six/seven years old at that time, and looked like a chocolate ice cream cone surrounded by vanillas. How on earth could they NOT talk about it with him?????

My mother was floored.



Ugh. What are some people thinking...???

[sugarbabysmommy]

I find it so sad and disturbing that they are only living with half of their daughter, her causcasion half, while pretending her African American half doesn't matter, let alone exist. Her mother saying she thinks the child might believe her adad is her biological father makes it clear there have been few conversations about adoption, and biological history. Is it possible this is their of handling an unknown biological father- just don't talk about it- hoping that contact with her biological mother is enough "roots?" I'm guessing that her biological mother is CC, that makes living their little fantasy even simpler for them.

Is there are reason you can't open a dialogue with her about adoption in general, including discussing your own child's adoption? Simple general stuff that often can lead to more conversations: how often do you visit X's biological mother, now that X is older does she ever have questions, how has your fmaily dealt with the idea of open adoption... you get the idea. Make it an exchange of stories, rather than just an inquiry into her child's adoption and birth family history. it's possible for you to lead by example, sharing how imporant your child's ethnicity is to your whole family.

This little girl will go out into the world and not be identified as Caucasian because she is both CC/AA, she will be identified as African American. How can a family pretend otherwise? It's a fantasy.