[icunurse]

We have exchanged emails with a women who claims to be pregnant and due in Oct. She is not from our state. She has gone so far as to say that if she decides to place, it will be with us. We've only exchanged a few emails, she's not working with an agency yet, and, honestly, I don't think it's going to happen (we really think that she'll parent). BUT, on the slim chance that it could - what do I do now? Our emails have been mainly informative, answering questions about adoption, our family. We've never talked or seen each other. She mentioned wanting to speak with our agency, but they don't work in her state. I have stressed several times that she needs to get some counseling to decide what is right for her, etc. We have do idea how this would even work being in a different state. Also, we haven't asked anything in regards to social/health history as it is uncomfortable for us to do (but necessary at some point). We've emailed our SW, but, obviously, won't hear anything until tomorrow. Any advice?

[mlbsands]

Hey.. congrats.. this will be good "practice" if it does not happen.. but hopefully it will. 1st.. figure out what state she is in and find out thier laws (if you let me know that state I can look it up)..

Then talk to her about those laws and keep suggesting she talk to someone, but don;t push some people want it som do not.. Offer to help pay for it if needed most states allow us to pay for this.

Offer her the chance to talk on the phone and ask her if she is comfortable answering more questions or if she would prefer that go thru an attorney.. We also sent an email with a buch of those questions.

That is a good place to start.. we did an independant adoption and went theru several possible matches prior to that so I am more than happy to tell you more about what we did.. (she was 2000 miles away).

mandy

[icunurse]

Thanks for helping. The woman seems pretty confused and not at all knowledgable about the adoption process. She is in Wisconsin, not that far away. We don't have an 800#, so we might need to get one, as we're not comfortable giving out our # or having it come up on a caller ID. She has not asked for any assistance, hasn't made any mention of "needing" money. She *really* needs to meet with someone to talk about adoption, the process, the legal parts of it, etc. I can't tell her enough how it is her choice, look into all of her options (not only adoption, but services that might assist her in raising the child). While I am pretty confident that she isn't trying to scam us, I also don't think that she will place her child. Not a big deal, we will keep on trying....I just hope that she can find help for whatever she needs. I guess until we hear back from our SW, we're just going to wait for her to make another move and go from there. Oh, you never realize the "comfort" of going through your agency.....

[Deanna&Alex]

Most agencies have agencies that they work with in other states so I'm sure when they speak with you they will be able to tell you who they use in Wisconsin.

As for asking questions. I'm learning from our own situation and from speaking with the counselors who deal with it, they seem to go in asking questions just like it's no big deal. In our situation the counselor asked our pbmom, "you don't know who the pbdad is but do you know what color he was?" I was shocked that she asked that so bluntly. (I wasn't on the phone, she asked this during one of their sessions but she asked it just like that)

When I questioned her on how she could ask that so bluntly she said. Hey, it's not a big deal, we all know that this wasn't the choice she wanted to make (getting pregnant), so we treat it like it's not a mistake and that it is what it is, no embarressement, no ill will, etc. She says if I treat a girl in this situation like she should be embarressed, she will be. So I don't, I treat them like I would treat my daughter or my niece, with kindess, respect and not an ounce of judgment.

Putting it that way made sense to me. I hope I quoted her right and I'm not coming off sounding bad. She really sounded great when she explained why she asked such tough questions so bluntly.

[Deanna&Alex]

For us, race did mean something. Please don't slam me on this, start a new thread if you want to, I don't want to hijack this thread on that topic. I can explain my feelings on race in a PM or as stated before a new thread.

[Deanna&Alex]

The counselor in our situation is also a bmom who placed her son 30 years ago. She has a realistic approach on what these girls are going through. I know the pbmom in our case really likes this counselor so, evidently the way she handled her worked. I think this counselor handles most of these girls or couples this way becuase she has such a knack for doing it without offending. I tell you, it took me back when we discussed the situation.

I really want to emphasize that this counselor is totally non-judgemental about how these girls live thier lives and I think they can feel it when they speak with her. That is the point I guess I was trying to make. Ask the questions you want answers to and don't be afraid to ask. If you don't truely judge someone, if you only need to know the answers so that you can make an informed decision about wanting to adopt this baby, if the pbmom places, than it should be no problem to just be blunt and ask. I don't think there was anything unkind about the way this counselor handled M, the pbmom in our match.

[redhedded]

Deanna, I removed each of my posts, mostly since race is an issue for you, the discussion becomes moot.

icu, we had two women contact us after seeing our profile on the agency website. I just tried to get to know them and had our agency handle the tough questions and the logistics, since both were out of state and not in areas where our agency was licensed. Neither situation worked out, but it is possible by getting another licensed entity (in the area) involved. Good luck to you.

Forgot to add, that in our situation (all service all fees included agency), our agency would have acted as a referral agency and forwarded (most with the exception of a percentage) the fees to the new agency.

[tobeafamily]

Even though your agency isn't licensed in her state, she can and should still speak with them. They will help you by asking the 'hard' questions - proof of pregnancy, status of biological father, medical/social/substance history, etc.

They can and should also be able to provide her with counseling, and may be able to arrange for a counselor near her to meet with. We and our agency were in VA, Ryan's bfamily was in TX. They called the agency's toll-free number to talk, we arranged for a nearby counselor to be available and for an attorney experienced in adoption to represent only them (as well as one in TX for us).

Lastly, your agency may have relationships with a licensed agency in this expectant mom's state that they can coordinate services with. It's not unusual.

HTH JMHO

Regina