[LisaCA]

hi guys,

first let me say that I'm so grateful for the best wishes and support as i dealt with my inlaws. i was able to sneak away for a bit periodically and post, and it was a lifesaver! To say my mil and fil don't get it is an understatement. it was 9 days of "interesting" comments from them. no matter what I said seemed to roll off their backs like water on a duck. on the plus side, I got to talk to sil, who they believe is the perfect one. turns out she's as cranky as I am, but is better about holding it in and setting boundaries. I just get mad and snap, making me # 3 favorite daughter-in-law, behind sil (#1) and in # 2 spot, "anybody but lisa" . also found out that sil wanted to adopt (can't have any more kids due to health reasons), but dh's parents said no ( so what do they have to do with anything?). i told her I'd send her info on adoption, and she and her husband should do what is in their hearts (she's from the philippines, and they're a bit more traditional, respecting parents and all that). wonder what inlaws feel about dd- or that we didn't ask their permission . That said, we all survived intact and were thrilled to leave new york.

we arrived in chicago (after a bit of an evil flight: original flight cancelled for mechanical problems, having to reschedule on another airline, then problems with paperwork, finding our luggage, arriving in chicago about 7 hours late!) and went straight to see bmom's family (they were not about to wait ). it was great to see everyone, and it felt just like family. Even dd, who was pretty reluctant to be touched by anyone in NY (wonder why? ), was very tolerant and enjoyed being passed around to the aunts, cousins, grandparents and bmom! We spent every day with bmom's family, and were able to see bdad's family on thursday and saturday (Bgreatgrandma, bgrandma, bdad, baunts, bcousins-1st and 2nd, plus assorted friends). They were quite nice to us and bdad even had the paperwork signed so we can go on to finalize. what was sweet is that we learned that he called dh on father's day to wish him a happy one-that really meant a lot to us.

we had a naming ceremony based on bmom's family's religious orientation (afrocentric, a particular group) which was nice because we got to meet all of dd's extended "family". the wording was great, the ceremony included dd's "mothers", "her parents" and "grandparents". lots of drumming and dancing which dd loved, great veggie food, just awesome. Also had time to talk alone with bmom (and bdad as well on another occasion, saying many of the same things). she says she's not having too much difficulty at the moment adjusting: I think she needs a bit of distance. apparently a few of her school friends have subsequently become pregnant and have chosen to parent, but she says that's them, not her. she believes she doesn't have a child, that dd is ours. i mentioned that we'll always view her as dd's first mom, and we love her dearly. we also talked about what dd would need from her (occasional cards, things that dd will treasure always, and that doesn't have to be deep, just to let dd know that she thinks of her occasionally). my feeling is that she'll start to let herself feel more in the future. at the moment she's doing what she needs. she did hold dd many times and dd loved her. she also watched dd a lot during the visit, I think trying to process things. dd's birthday is on the 7th, so she has a lot to process. We're having a birthday cake sent to them so they can join in the celebration from afar.

also found that bfamily calls dd by her birthname, and let them know that for what it's worth, we think that's fine. I grew up having mom's side of the family call me by my middle name, everyone else called me by my first name. it was no biggie for me and i think it will be no biggie for dd. If it is, she can just say no when she decides it's an issue-I'll back dd on whatever she wants with this issue. in the meantime, they use both names, but her birthname more frequently.

at the end of the visit, bmom's family said they couldn't imagine waiting another year to see dd, so they're trying to plan a trip out to see us . we hope to be out there in the next year or two, so we'll see them and bdad's family again.

since we'd like to adopt again (in a year or so), I think we need to either adopt from CA or IL, just to make juggling all the families easier on us! Speaking of which, we stopped by bmom's agency and they were thrilled to see us! took tons of pictures. they also mentioned a situation of a hispanic/aa child due soon who has no aparents ! said we weren't ready, but maybe in the near future .

What can I say but that it was a great time! we loved it, bfamilies loved it, and we can't wait to do it again, sans the inlaw part . it really filled a need in me to bond with her bfamilies, and to see that they really cared for dd. it really has been an awesome trip. amazingly, it wasn't hard to see dd with her bfamilies-the hard part was not crying over the images. Thanks again for the moral support-couldn't have done it without you all.

lisa

[Kelli]

Lisa, welcome back! What a blessing for your daughter to have so much love!

Peace and blessings,

Kelli

[lambeausam]

Glad to hear you enjoyed MOST of your trip! Boy, did you pick a great weekend to be in Chicago.

Sam

[mommieof2cuties]

Glad to hear that your back, I am still mad that your inlaws can be so rude to you and your husband, even to the rest of the family. Adoption is wonderful and I hope that you will send the adoption information to your sil. Someone needs to educate the inlaws. Well, so glad that your trip is over and everyone is home safe and sound. Sorry about your long flights.

Have a great day

summer

[kllee4]

What a wonderful trip! Welcome back! Just think of all the memories (and trunkload of pictures) she will have. That is amazing of how much she is surrounded by people who love her. Looking forward to more frequent posts from ya!

[Nevada Jen]

Glad your back. Visit with B-family sounds awesome and like it really filled an empty spot in your soul. Hopefully bfamily can be the balance that balances out the inlaws. At least you have done your duty with them and you should be completely guilt free for at least a year on the topic of inlaw visits. For the record, its better to have the difficult relatives visit you (and stay at a hotel) because then you can be "working", "running errands" and generally a little more in control of the situations. Plus you get to say things like, "OK I was respectful of your ignorance in your house but this is my house and it is probably better if you just don't talk."

Jen

[MNelson]

Sounds like a fabulous visit, Lisa. I was especially touched by the fact that you are honoring their use of your daughter's birthname. There really is so little harm in that, and it obviously means a lot to them. I know lots of people who have pet names. My brother calls his nephew -- my nephew, too, but didn't want to confuse as his son -- by his middle name. Only one to do it, and it makes my nephew feel like he has a special bond with his uncle. So many people think that it would confuse the child, but really, children make sense of confusion every day! Or if they can't make sense of it, they have a very sensitive bs meter and will call them on it (as you say, you'll support your dd in whatever she decides).

It's wonderful when bfamily really is family. Especially when we have some that has been around longer that we wouldn't mind trading in

[Leigh131313]

Hey you survived!! Congrats!!


Leigh

[LisaCA]

chicago was great! the weather was a wee bit muggy but we survived. went to the taste of chicago, hung out downtown, it was a blast. nice city-now if you could only do something about the weather...

my inlaws are a piece of work. apparently they've been commenting on how sil dresses, raises her son and older daughter, everything is up for grabs. When I told dh about his parents behavior to sil, he had a hard time believing it (i don't, but then again, they aren't my parents). I never get the dressing comments since I dress pretty modestly (no v-necks, tight jeans, etc.) The other comments, well, they come fast and furious (my complexion, haircuts, etc). my pointed comments that my mom raised me that if you have nothing nice to say you should keep your mouth shut, seem to have no effect. I did say to dh that he should get down on his hands and knees and thank god we live 3000 miles away!

I've been trying to educate them for the past 22 years on a number of things: black history (no, african art isn't primitive or embarrassing, it's actually technologically advanced and meaningful), cultural anthropology (diff cultures do things differently), etc, but no luck. I've given up on the adoption thing, I'll just keep dd away. Of course I've stayed away. my last visit was in 1987-no joke. They come out way too much for my tastes (at least 2x a year, and we make them stay at a hotel), so i felt no need to go there. Dh has always been free to visit them with my blessing, but he has chosen to avoid them too, visiting about every 5 years or so. Of course they blame me for this, but dh has free will.

why they are so against adoption, I'm not sure. might be that parent thing that your kids are never smart enough to do anything independently, or the idea that you never know about "blood", or all the lifetime movies about adoption-not sure. They were amazed that dd was so smart and way more advanced than their favorite grandchild, but they're probably blaming that on sil "foreign" genes, plus her parenting. maybe they'll see the light . in the meantime, life's too short to waste it on them. on my deathbed I'll want those 9 days back.

ah well, aren't relatives tons of fun? I have to say that the idea of adding my child's bfamily to my family seemed overwhelming at first (like I need more family, i can barely deal with my family and my inlaws!) but I came around after reading tons and thinking. Of course it helps if they're likeable-don't know what i'd do if they were like my inlaws . i thank my facilitator for being such a great matchmaker!

lisa

[icunurse]

Welcome back! Glad to hear the heat didn't get to you too much. I'm PMing you something, too.....

[timni]

I am so glad to hear things went well. What a great story to tell later in your childs life. You are an inspiration to me as a future amom.