[sugarbabysmommy]

This evening we had dinner w/ my in-laws and some other family we see rarely. The topic of babe's looks came up, and of course everyone remarked on how much babe looks like us. I said well it's no surprise since X and Y (birthparents) look so much like us and that was one of the reasons they choose us. So, this opened up the open adoption conversation with the infrequently seen family members. It was for the most part pretty benign- thankfully void of "aren't you afraid babe will be confused," or "do they know where you live" kind'a hooey.

Then they began to ask a few questions about babe's birthparents, are they still together, when we visit do we all visit together or do we see them separately, all in all still pretty benign but these types of questions usually lead to other types of questions like why did she place babe, and other questions about their lives. Thankfully these questions didn't come- I say thankfully because my MIL was blurting out answers before we had a chance to reply and I wasn't so sure what she might say to other questions asked.

I realized now is the time to talk with the in-laws, specifically MIL, and even other friends and family about what is to be shared and what is private, about what is their story, what is babe's story etc. I have to admit, I'm stuck. When it comes to discussing the relationship between the birthparents that's easy, simply saying their relationship is their business and not ours to discuss is sufficient. But other things have me scratching my head.

To be honest we see them as part of our family circle, so talking about the last time we saw them, or how their new job is going feels only normal and natural. So do we draw the line at discussing anything related to adoption? I am have very happy to discuss the legalities and processes of adoption since there are so many misconceptions (like tonight someone asked if they could take babe back, as if open adoption meant not legal in the same way closed is- very common!). I also talk about how we met and matched with babe's birthparents and about our experience of babe's birth - is that crossing a line? Dicussing their reasons for placing is their business, but it's hard to not want to dispell negative stereotypes about why one chooses adoption by saying something like they are just average people who were faced with an extraordinary and difficult decision and chose adoption for babe- is that crossing a line? I fear leaving something unsaid when someone has made negative assumptions only confirms their ideas about "the sorts of peole who choose adoption." (just want to say this didn't happen tonight)

Babe is too young now, but at some point I want to draw my clues from babe and be sensitive to babe's feelings. If babe were to one day say don't talk about anyone, that would be awkward since I do consider birthfamily as family, and friends, and it's hard to imagine not talking about family- but babe's feelings will always come first on this matter.

I know many hold black and white ideas of what to say and not to say, I'm interested in hearing these ideas, as well as the grey.

[Montraviatommyg]

From the point of view a bmum (now in reunion) if my bson's parents had known the true version of why he was placed it probably wouldn't have bothered me if they had given a simple (editted) version why I relinquished him. I'm not sure exactly what they were told, if anything, or how close to the truth it was. In my case I was continually pressured into him being adopted by my parents until I gave in despite being in a position that I was capable of looking after him. The best advice I can give is if you do answer the question then keep to the facts but keep it simple as that way you're respecting their privacy while still being honest.

Philippa

[MNelson]

Something I've found helpful to give a non-answer answer to the "why did she/they?" question is "It was an extremely difficult decision." That seems to politely get across the point that the details are private, while getting to the point of what they (in most cases) are trying to discuss: the gravity of the decision via grappling with incomprehension.

I, as you do, feel compelled to talk about E’s bfamily as our family (as I would about my in-laws … I like my in-laws ). I'll usually share information about each of their professions and their interests that are similar to ours. I also feel this helps to dispel the stereotypes. I talk about how they shower E with love and attention, and miss him terribly when we’re apart.

Unfortunately we usually then have to deal with the “saints for doing this” comments (for the openness). We will then turn it around to E and say we are blessed to have so many people who love him. I’ll usually throw in a “Who else can you brag about your kid non-stop with without inducing nausea?”

[icunurse]

We share things about DS's bparents based on what is being asked, why it's being asked, and who's asking. For example, my dearest friend knows a lot, but some people who I consider friends (but not super-close) know a watered down version. When people ask why they chose to place, I tend to stick with "they just didn't feel ready to be a parent right now". I usually also add how much they loved him to not only admit that, but to place him for adoption, as there are so many people out there who aren't ready or "fit" to be parents, but raise the child themselves anyway. I've found that by adding this on, it really makes people think about how sometimes keeping the child can be a bad decision and it makes them think a little differently about adoption.

Open adoption is difficult for a lot of people to understand, so I've used different answers for different people (and some STILL don't get it). Just keep working on them - it sounds like you're doing great- and it will all turn out OK.

As far as info that I share or don't - I never give out last names or very specific identifying info (we don't live that far apart and bdad hasn't told family); I have their pics in albums, but wouldn't bring them to work; DS's medical history is known only by DH and I and the pediatrician; DS's full story (why he was placed, rocky relationship between bparents, etc) is known by us/bparents/agency and, one day, DS. I try and respect their privacy, but also understand that we have an open adoption, so certain things like names, jobs, etc are okay to talk about.

[sugarbabysmommy]

All in all, I have to say we get very few saint comments, we do get a few "how lucky your kid is that you stepped up"- huh??? Do you mean how lucky am I that someone thought I'd be a good mom to their baby???

I was thinking more about this and maybe what I need to do is make a list of do's and don't's.

Answer Do's:
how we met birthparents
agency/adoption process
how and when we first met babe
how often we visit/ activities we do together
common interests/jobs

Answer Don't's:
birthfamily medical history
details of birthparent relationship
in depth reasons for placing
babe's conception

Anything else anyone would add to either list? Still thinking out loud, thanks for those of you who posted and shared how you handle things, or in your case Philippa what you'd feel comfortable with.

(and Plareb, I do like my in-laws, even my MIL , she can just bug the cr*p out of me)

[Montraviatommyg]

Originally Posted by sugarbabysmommy

Anything else anyone would add to either list? Still thinking out loud, thanks for those of you who posted and shared how you handle things, or in your case Philippa what you'd feel comfortable with.

(and Plareb, I do like my in-laws, even my MIL , she can just bug the cr*p out of me)

Will think about this, only 'stuck my nose in' as I thought it would be constructive to get one point of view from a birth mother, although I appreciate others will differ from mine.

Good luck though will dealing with stupid/insensitive/bizarre remarks - you are making every effort to be a responsible mother.

Philippa

[MNelson]

I think the saint comments stem primarily from the lack of full understanding of how beneficial maintaining the relationship is for the child. I don't think anyone would bother mention all the "saintly" things parents do for their kids every day! People uneducated about it all only see the burden of open adoption, and not the benefits.

[KatieMill]

I too struggle with what to say / what not to say. It is almost hilarious to me when we start talking about our experience....to watch people's faces....I guess whether we want the mantle or not--as families that have adopted we are in a position of educating society.

I don't always like the mantle....and hearing others' opinions, comments, questions, etc often hurts and stings.

As a previous poster said, I always try to throw in that DD's bmother made the hardest decision of her life--but knew she wasn't emotionally or financially capable of parenting a child.

I also like to throw in that as a society we put down the Susan Smith's and Andrea Yates' of the world for the atrocious acts they've commited---yet who was there to help? How much better off (alive I guess!) would there children be had they been adopted. Also, when you are parenting and become overwhelmed---there is virtually no help unless you are extremely wealthy and can afford someone to take care of your kids. Society frowns upon women that say they are overwhelmed or need some help....yet, this same society wonders aloud how can a woman give up a child for adoption?

It boggles the mind!!

[sugarbabysmommy]

Philippa,
You are always welcome to poke your nose in I do appreciate all points of veiw. I know that we all on all sides of adoption hear our share of ignorant or off the wall comments, or are asked questions that should be left unasked. I'd love to hear from adopted persons as well, but am not so sure where to post this so they'd have a chance to read it.

Plareb, comments about appearance really get under my skin. Only a few people have done this, a very few, and I am always at a loss as to how to reply. It goes something like this, "Oh my goodness, Babe is so cute, I had no idea Babe was so cute," as if only homely babies are placed for adoption. Or, "The little girl across the street from us was adopted and she's just the most adorable little girl you could ever meet," as if adorable and adopted are not normally associated. These are such subtle judgements about children who were adopted that it almost seems impossible to explain why they are bothersome without coming off like an oversensitive new mom, one everyone rolls their eyes at behind her back. I wish I could come up with a snappy response for these remarks, something concise. It's true, many only see the burden of open relationships and not the benfits. For that reason I try very hard to vent (IRL) only to my husband about feelings related to my relationship with my child's birthparents. Like with any family member there can be things I don't like about our relationship and want to fix (or times I just need to complain and get it out of my system), but some folks don't see it that way, they think any negative comment is a reason for the open relationship no to exist.

Katie, I agree, many do frown on women who say they are overwhelmed and need support. Society also doesn't like to hear if a woman doesn't love being a mother 24/7.